Still A Valley Girl

 I grew up in the 80's, like totally. You may know what a valley girl is. The term originated from the San Fernando Valley in California, and it filtered all the way to this midwestern girl in the Chicago suburbs. The 80's were totally tubular!

I was thinking of how I was, like, a valley girl, like, in high school. I started to think that I am still very much a valley girl today, but in a much different way.

When we talk about going through a valley in our life, we tend to think of a cold, dark place of isolation and loneliness and, frequently, even pain. However, if I were to tell you that Chad and I took a vacation to the Grand Canyon, and spent a week camping out in the valley, it might seem fun and exciting! We would face challenges, even difficult ones, but overall, I think our experience would be positive. We may struggle to find food or start a fire. Outdoor bathrooms and tents might be dirty and uncomfortable.  The rough terrain could make hiking down into the canyon and back out quite a lot of work.

I would like to think that our time there, together, would also be one of rest and closeness. Being alone with someone for a long period can really bring you closer. Our journey through life, even when difficult, can be very much like this.

God tells us that He is with us in the valley, and we need not fear (Psalm 23). While the valley can be challenging and unpleasant at times, it can also be a place of refreshment for the weary and communion with God. 

I am definitely still a valley girl, as I have spent quite a lot of the last few years feeling like I am at the bottom of the Grand Canyon. I am thankful for a God who is there with me, One who allows me graciously to see the beauty in the canyon's sides as I look up towards heaven. I have found some of the sweetest times of fellowship with the Lord comes in those moments when I am camped out at the bottom, seemingly alone.

This past year has gone remarkably well, and I am so grateful for the lessons I have learned in the valley. I pray that 2024 continues to be a year filled with less pain and fewer trials, but even if it isn't, I know that God will be by my side strengthening and guiding me as I look once again to climb out of the valley.

 

Happy New Year to you all! Keep looking up to the One who holds all who are His in His hands, and never lets them fall.(Jude 1:24-25; Isaiah 49:16)

I will leave you with one of my favorite songs. "If You Want Me To" by Ginny Owens.

Until Next Time

~Shari

Just One Click

 Sometimes it only takes one click to take you back. Most days I don't think about it, but it most definitely impacts my life daily. It shaped who I am, what I do, and how I respond to both people and situations. Just one click on a documentary that was recommended for me got me thinking, and then blogging. Leave No Trace is a documentary about the Boy Scouts and their downfall as stories and documents were brought to light about ten of thousands of boys who were sexually abused in the scouts program and camps. 

In my last post, I talked about being bullied and how that made me an angry teen, but I didn't touch on this other reason for that anger. The specific incident this documentary made me think of happened shortly after my 13th birthday. My mother had always told me stories of my sister being a candy striper at our local hospital, and I really wanted to do it also. I lived about 3 blocks from Mercy Center in Aurora, and walked over to ask questions about it. I learned you had to be 13 to volunteer, and they no longer called them candy stripers. On my 13th birthday, in May 1983, I walked over to Mercy Center again and signed up to be a volunteer. I started off delivering flowers to patients the very next day. I had no friends, so I had a lot of time that summer. Within a few days, I was given more hours and duties. I started working at 6 am each weekday in the admitting office. 

In 1983, the hospital had no computers, so there were piles of paper charts and a huge white board with every bed number in the 5 story building. We had to keep track of each patient coming in and going out. I would get them to complete paperwork, give them a wrist band, assign them a bed, and walk them up to their room. I LOVED this job and must have excelled, because after a couple of weeks, the manager was letting me come in alone on Saturday mornings to check in the rare patient who had a weekend admission. 

In the course of my duties, I had a lot of contact with the nursing station and environmental services to make sure beds were empty and clean. I will spare you the horrid details, but the first week of August that summer, less than 8 weeks from when I started, I was standing in the volunteer coordinator's office being fired. I was sobbing and begging, but she was adamant. As I stood there very upset, weeping and shaking, she explained that a nurse had reported me being in a utility closet with a (30 year old) janitor. She raised her voice to shame me for being young and not understanding that people had jobs to do, and I was an unhelpful distraction. Yes, you may have guessed, I wasn't in that closet looking for supplies. I often wondered how that nurse and supervisor were able to turn a blind eye to something so heinous, but by then, I had already learned how to keep silent and had no self worth.

To be honest, sometimes I wonder if I had a sign on my forehead. I am not joking. I was sexually abused by 5 different adults by the time I was 18. As a teen I was also an easy target for the boys in my age bracket. "Date rape" wasn't a term I heard in the 80's, but I definitely understand what it is and how it happens....at least for me. I was really unable to say "no". I had learned that I didn't have a voice or a choice. I deserved what I got, or at least that is what I thought. I rationalized that if I wouldn't have been there, it wouldn't have happened, so there is no one to blame but myself.

As you might guess, I dealt with depression and anxiety, but I was also angry at the world around me. I really was broken. As broken as a person can be anyways. I had trouble making real friendships and had no sense of "self". My past continues to impact my present, although less than it once did. I still keep people at a distance, have trouble trusting people, and I may never have a truly healthy view of sex, but having a wonderful, patient and understanding husband has absolutely been great medicine!

The two of us dealt with my past when we went to counseling in the mid 1990's, and shortly after that is when we came to Christ. People like to present Christianity as a "cure all". The message that frequently gets communicated either directly or indirectly is, "Trust Jesus and you will be happy and healthy." If you know anything about my life or have read this blog, you will know I am not healthy physically and have struggled with mental health in my life as well, so that clearly isn't a true picture of Christianity.

God's word doesn't promise us health or wealth, at least not the earthly defined type. He does tell us that He is with those who love Him. He comforts us, petitions God the Father on our behalf, gives us His Spirit to guide and strengthen us, and leaves us his Word to give us peace. Christ knows my pain. He shares in our sufferings. He suffered unimaginable pain while hanging on a cross, dying, bearing the weight of my sin. He took my place then, so that I might have life everlasting. On that day, I will know what true health and wealth is. Between now and then, I will keep clinging to my Savior, trusting Him to continue to heal my heart. He is teaching me to love and forgive others as He loves and forgives me. If you haven't trusted Christ, asked Him to forgive you, and placed your faith in him, my friend, please cry out to Him today. He won't take away all the pain instantly, but He will see you through it. 

The early years of my life were marked by trauma, grief and loss. The later years have been marked by grace, healing, and restoration. Praise be to God!


Until Next Time~

Shari

P.S. In case you missed the posts about my childhood and early adulthood.

Daily Absence

 Imagine that your elderly mother's birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks and you have the bright idea to plan a surprise birthday party for her. Within minutes, your brain is whirring with to-do lists and plans. You sit down the first chance you get and make a list of guests. Over the next few days you are super busy as you begin squeezing in the party planning along with all your regular activities. You realize you haven't talked to your mom in several days, which is unusual, but you brush that guilt aside because you are busy. You are SO excited and it will be great to spend the day with her on her birthday-- besides you are horrible at keeping a secret and don't want to say anything to ruin the surprise.

Two weeks fly right by and the house is decorated to perfection. Guests start to arrive, and you feel nervous butterflies in your stomach because you want so badly to please your mom and make this day a success. As people start to mingle, you just can't shake the feeling that you forgot something, and it starts to gnaw at you. Within a couple of minutes you realize what the problem is...you forgot to invite your mother. 

The guest of honor isn't there! Embarrassed and guilty, you make excuses and justify how busy you were. Surely you aren't the only one who would have done all of this and forgotten the most important thing. The guests are having a great time. You notice the cheese platter is empty, and before you think about it again, you are back to being a good hostess. As the party winds down, people trickle out and you start the process of cleaning up the party aftermath so you can be ready to get to work tomorrow morning. Just before you head to bed, you call your mom to say "Happy birthday! I love you. Talk to you later. I am very tired. I had a busy day," and hang up the phone just before you drift off to sleep.

Does this all sound ridiculous? Impossible even? I would hope so, yet I fear many of us live our lives just like this when it comes to God. I heard the term "Functional Atheism" many years ago, and it has always stuck in my head. We live busy, independent lives. We go through our day with very little (if any) thought of God, His Word, or prayer. We get things done, run around completing our to-do lists, serving others in God's name, and yet fail to actually include the guest of honor in any of our plans. Basically, we live functionally as though we are atheists, simply planning and doing the tasks we need to do.

Oftentimes I lift my head from a project I have been engrossed in, maybe even frustrated with, and realize that I haven't bothered to pray and ask God for wisdom. In fact, I never even bothered to ask if the task is something I should be doing at all. I lay down to sleep at night, and the thought pops into my head that I should pray, because I "forgot" again today, or didn't have time, only to wake up in the morning and have only a brief memory of a few sentences uttered before I was sound asleep.   When this happens do I spend my morning in prayer? No, to my own shame I do not, but instead I get up and hit the ground running. After all, the dog needs to go out and I am hungry and there is a lot on my to-do list today!

We tend to be driven to God in prayer when bad things happen, and our daily lives are disrupted. The war in Ukraine has been that driver for me the last few days, as reading stories from the people there and seeing the devastation has reminded me how much we need God to intervene. I started to think about those words again: Functional Atheism. Why do I struggle so to be faithful in prayer? God forgive me! I am utterly and completely dependent upon Him for life, light, faith, breath, and, well, EVERYTHING! Yet I continue to rush ahead in my own strength to do all the "good things" I think I should be doing, and all the busy days just keep flying by. May we all be more fully aware of our need for Him. May He graciously increase our desire to spend time with Him, causing us to trust Him more fully.

Until Next Time~

Shari

OUCH!

All of us 1980's kids, probably remember when that little alien came on the scene. No, not ALF, the other one. You know who I mean! The 1982 film, E. T. the Extra Terrestrial, was a heart warming story of friendship. Of course, thinking of friendship with an alien sounds, well, alien. If you haven't seen it, go now and watch. I'll wait.

Aliens were about the only thing that didn't happen this past year (although the US military has acknowledged some unidentified flying objects, and leaked video footage, so who knows!) The past year and a half have been difficult, to say the least. A global pandemic lead to unprecedented shutdowns. Illness, death, lost jobs and businesses, isolation, riots and looting, and some natural disasters as well, lead to day after day of seemingly bad and painful news. No one remained untouched by these recent events. We have all suffered in one way or another.

Today in Illinois, we officially "reopen" without any pandemic restrictions, for the first time since March 2020. There is reason to be excited about getting back to normal, and yet some of us might not be ready to throw away our masks and pretend like none of this happened. I have shared in previous posts about the need for love, grace and patience as we deal with each other. This has all been painful and traumatic, more so for some than others. 

You all probably know my love for all things medical. I have my "armchair MD" degree, mostly due to my own health issues, and my love of research. Like most other relevant medical topics in my life, I kept up with the research on COVID-19 as it became available. You are well aware of the need to find reliable sources for all of our news. Ignorance and untruth abounds on the internet! We ALL had to weigh the facts, consider our own health and family situation, and make difficult choices these past 14+ months. 

If you have followed any part of my health journey, you might know that we have been to Mayo several times, and are set to return again this September. I am currently on a "drug holiday" (as the doctor called it), and not taking any treatment. I am currently going through a particularly difficult, painful, downhill path in my disease process the last couple of months that has me reevaluating my treatment options. I hurt everywhere! Widespread joint and muscle pain, as well as worsening neurological symptoms make me think it may be time to consider if more medication is necessary.

In the past, I have had to weigh a number of factors in deciding which treatment to try (or not). My disease is rare, and so the research is sparse, ongoing, and thus hard to decipher at times.  It is not easy to make a choice to take a chemotherapy drug that comes with lots of health risks, when the scientific studies were only able to try it on a handful of patients. Many of you have probably made decisions that seem to have no "right' answer and it can be heart-wrenching, or perhaps have disastrous consequences. This new coronavirus pandemic gave us all a taste of what it is like to have a disease no one knows much about. Studies are needed, but take time, and leave a lot of unanswered questions as we make decisions about our health.

It is normal for us to have our emotions and feelings sway our decisions. It is hard sometimes to trust the facts. The most recent research of COVID-19 and the mRNA vaccines seem to suggest that they are very effective at preventing serious illness and death, even with the current variants.  (I recommend CIDRAP for trustworthy research, and a great podcast too) After 14 months of caution, worry, masks, bad news reports, shutdowns and everything else, it can be very difficult to set aside the difficult emotions we have had, and trust the science. Some will be totally comfortable jumping in the deep end of the pool. Others have never gotten out of the pool. Still others are slathered in sunscreen, and just starting to dip a toe in the shallow wading pool. We need to extend grace to each other as we wade back into life, at our own pace. Encouragement, support and love are called for here, not judgment and ridicule!

God made us emotional beings. We should feel things deeply, however we cannot trust our feelings to be the basis of our decision making. Feelings may tell us it is unsafe to drive after watching hours of car crashes, and reviewing accident data. Science and engineering data may help us to trust the braking system in our cars. Those two things are seemingly at odds with each other. Most of us will trust the car to work as we expected, and yet many might still be anxious while driving or being a passenger in a vehicle. We have to move past emotion in many situations. The Bible tells us that "For we walk by faith, not by sight." (2 Corinthians 5:7).

That is not to say that we shove our emotions down deep and ignore them, but we also can't trust our emotions completely. I feel lots of pain, and that makes me feel sad. I feel like I can't do things I want to do, and that makes me feel like I can't contribute in a meaningful way. I could keep going with the "I feel" sentences, but what I know is that God is faithful. God is sovereign "and we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:28) He is trustworthy, my feelings are not. I have to function in the space where I feel all the feelings, but can still trust Him enough to step off the diving board in faith, without drowning in my emotions.

I am struggling right along with all of you. It has been a ROUGH year in so many ways! Pray that we all learn to trust God more fully, love each other more in humility, and forgive others as we have been forgiven. Pray for those who have not yet trusted in Christ alone for salvation. Pray we all suffer well, in a manner worthy of our calling, and in a manner that brings glory to God!

Until Next Time

~Shari

Undone in Twenty-One

The book of Job, in the Bible, is my favorite. For those of you who may be unfamiliar with the story of Job, he was described as a "blameless and upright" man who "feared God and turned away from evil." He was a wealthy landowner, who had several children, and a seemingly close family. He prayed for his children regularly. While I highly suggest you read through the book, especially the early chapters to get a feel for Job's life, I will summarize by saying that Job had a very good life. Then God allowed Satan to tempt Job. I will just stop for a second here to explain that NOTHING that happens in our lives is outside of God's control. Satan needed permission to test Job, but to be clear it is Satan doing the tempting, not God. Satan assumed as soon as things started going south for Job, he would curse God and turn from his faith. (Spoiler alert: Satan was wrong)

Job had a series of catastrophes occur. Raiding troops, fire and wind storms took his livestock, his servants, and then Job's children. While he mourned such great loss, he praised God and trusted Him saying, "The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord." Despite all that happened, Job trusted God. He knew that all of life's blessings come from God's loving hands, and he knew that God was sovereign over all of it. Satan tried harder and struck Job with boils and sores that itched. He was miserable, scratching his wounds with broken pottery. Job still did not curse God, even though his wife urged him to "curse God and die."

I won't pretend that my life compares with Job's. By some standards, I may live an "upright" life. Compared to much of the world, we are "rich". We might be seen as having an abundance like Job had. We have family we love, great friends, a nice house, and good neighbors. Thankfully I have a supporting husband who has encouraged my faith, not pushed me to abandon it, as Job's wife did.

Unlike Job, I have not known the loss of children, or all I possess. Though this past year brought us a long term unemployment, which has eaten our savings, it pales in comparison to Job's immense loss. Also unlike Job, I have discovered a misplaced trust in our security. Chad has worked hard and we saved up for future emergencies. We were trying to be good stewards of all that God has given us, and savings is a great idea (I do not mean to imply that it is wrong). I only bring it up to confess that I allowed a false sense of "self-security" to creep in by growing the balance of my savings, only to have to swept away like Job's possessions. What are we left with when that which we trusted in is gone? 

I was recently reminded of a story from Exodus chapter 16. The Israelites, whom were just delivered by God from Egypt, grumbled and complained that they were brought out to the desert to starve to death. God gave them manna from heaven (literally showered them with sweet bread). They were instructed to take each day the amount they needed to sustain them for that day (the only exception being that they could gather an extra serving so they didn't work on the Sabbath). God provided for them, even though they were ungrateful. He gave them bread, but they decided they wanted meat. So, God gave them meat, SO much of it that they gorged themselves until they threw up!

They gathered more manna than they needed for one day, trying to "save it up" and make sure they had extra (their own little emergency fund, if you will). They had been warned not to gather extra, and when they awoke the next day, they found it stinky and worm infested.

I have not gone hungry (perhaps the opposite is true during this covid period). My "grumbling and complaining" was more of a "whimpering and pleading" and always about my health. It is not the nerve disease (CIDP) or even the paralyzed leg that wears me down. It isn't the inability to go and to do the things I once enjoyed.  Most days it isn't even the chronic back and neck pain. It is simply the "one more thing" that has me in sackcloth and ashes like Job. It is the common place or mundane ailment that becomes the straw that breaks the camels back for me.

It is the latest migraine, the diverticulitis, the kidney stone, the coronavirus, or the sinus infection (all have happened in the last 6 months). It is that small little sickness that happens in addition to my "normal" health struggles that lays me bare before a mighty God. That "one more thing" that brings me to my knees in prayer, begging for mercy. That "one more thing" that makes all the busyness of the world stop, drowns out all the noise, and gets my eyes fixed squarely upon Christ, my only hope. It seems to always take that "one more thing" to get my attention directed back to God and away from myself, my worries, my planning for tomorrow.

It is that "one more thing" that reminds me that tomorrow has enough cares of it's own (Matthew 6:34).  Today, I get my daily bread, one portion of manna needed to get through this day, not tomorrow. I get grace enough to stand up under the tremendous burden, not in my own strength, but in God's strength.....one more day. For in my weakness, His strength shines through. (2 Corinthians 12:9-10) 

God gives each of us our daily portion every single day. We recite this in the Lord's prayer, which says "give us our daily bread" not tomorrow's bread or next week's bread, but enough for today. He is truly enough. 

If you have ever received an email from me, you may notice the verse from Job 13:15, which reads "though He slay me, yet will I trust Him." I hope you might read some of the story that I shared with you today. I pray that you too might find grace and strength in Christ today, and let tomorrow worry about itself. May God cause you to trust in Him, no matter your circumstances.

Until Next Time
~Shari

P.S. God restores double to Job at the end of the book, which you can read about in chapter 42!

If I Died Today (What Would My Friends Say?)

 A part of me wishes to remain silent. I wonder if speaking even does any good. Will I just be one more voice among the thousands of voices that will likely only be heard by those who already agree with me? Is there any value in speaking up? I hope so.

After seeing that the term "6%" was trending on Twitter, I looked to see what it was all about. I also quickly found many FB posts regarding the new CDC number breakdowns of all the coronavirus deaths. We have known all along that COVID-19 disproportionately impacts the elderly, people of color, and those with underlying medical conditions (AKA co-morbidity). The numbers did NOT change, but the CDC statistics now clearly show that 6% of the deaths were young, healthy individuals with no underlying medical problems. The other 94% of the deaths involved age and/or health issues; however, the virus is still the reason for their deaths. Heart disease, stroke, diabetes, obesity, and other conditions do make your chances greater for having a serious case of COVID-19, or dying from it. Every one of those deaths was just as much caused by the virus, and every one of those deaths matters!

If I had contracted the coronavirus and died today, my death would be in that 94% bracket, but I MOST definitely died because of the virus. My neurological condition perhaps puts me in a higher risk category than you of serious illness or death from COVID-19, but my disease by itself is not deadly, thus the virus would still be the precipitating event in my untimely death.

If I died today, what would my friends say? Sadly based on social media, I think many would say she was "older" and "sick" so she wasn't worth shutting down an economy or wearing a mask. Others would blame the people who are out having parties, not wearing masks, and "don't care about others." Neither would be accurate, but I see both views on display every day.

The division in our country causes me so much heartache, and I find myself in tears this morning. Sometimes all this bickering is exhausting, and it saddens me to see fellow Christian sharing memes of "sheeple" instead of the gospel. I will continue to pour my heart out to God, but would you join me? May He show us all mercy, and help us to love our neighbor as ourselves. Christian brothers and sisters who say ALL lives matter, surely each and every soul lost to this virus, regardless of any preexisting condition, is a tragedy, most especially those who die apart from Christ.

How did we become such a polarized and hate-filled nation? I ask myself what part have I played? Maybe you are willing to ask yourself the same thing?

The facts and truth are harder than ever to discern. As an example, the CDC was once a nonpartisan organization that presented the medical and scientific facts to educate the public. It has recently become more political, changing policy due to politics rather than science.It should concern us ALL that any group/organization/company would only speak along party lines, never listening to the other side. We must be vigilant and discerning, my dear friends!

While we live in an age of information overload, the truth gets lost in a sea of rhetoric and misinformation, but we have a duty to speak and defend the truth. Especially as a Christian, I know the importance of studying and searching to uncover the truth, being slow to rush to judgment or point fingers. May God help us all to listen, discern, and seek the truth! May it start with me. May God give wisdom and humility freely to all who ask, as they are both much needed!

You who are angry and tired of fighting in the midst of injustice and inequity. I hear you and I see you. Would you share your personal experience and pain you have felt from racism with me? Would you allow me to share my concerns and fears as well? Can we move forward together, giving each other grace to grow and learn?

You are fearful that your rights are being striped away, and the government is taking your freedoms. I hear you and I see you. Would you join me in praying for our nation? Will you tell me what worries you the most? Can I share with you how hot and uncomfortable wearing a mask is, but also explain how it can help protect me, and makes me feel like you care for me? Might we come together in our love for Christ and one another, extending grace as we grow and learn? 

Please don't turn a deaf ear to your neighbor! Maybe we can all agree that these are difficult times! We must be slow to anger, slow speak, and quick to listen. Seek the facts, and the science, and then filter them all through the Scriptures. Be willing to hear the pain and stories of others, showing compassion. Turn off the news/social media and go start a dialogue with your neighbors. Each of us has differing views, unique experiences, and contrasting cultural backgrounds, yet we might all find unity in Christ, and I pray that we will. 

Until Next Time~

Shari

P.S. If you made it this far in reading my post, please pray for our upcoming trip back to Mayo Clinic September 8-10. Will post some updates afterwards!

We're Not Crazy

By now, unless you live in a cave, you have surely heard of the COVID-19 "novel coronavirus". The divide in America that I have mentioned before, is now focused on the virus instead of politics, but it still gets ugly very quickly! So, whenever I have a lot of thoughts gathering in my brain, I blog about them. I thought I would add my non-medical two cents worth to this whole ordeal (aren't you lucky).

1. "Panic Buying" - Stores are relatively empty of virtually all kinds of grocery items, and definitely out of hand sanitizer, face masks and toilet paper by now. My first point that we should consider, is that people are SCARED. This fear reveals the worst of humanity, the total depravity of man shows itself clearly as shoppers fight over toilet paper. Please pause and consider the shopper behind you who may not be able to get basic supplies they need for survival. If you weren't concerned about the virus at all, you may now be worried about the lack of food, and resulting ripples throughout the economy.

If you have seen people shopping with masks and gloves, it is not always because of fear. Slowing the spread of the virus is not just to protect yourself. There are individuals that are at greater risk for contracting the illness. Some must wear masks to protect themselves or their children, so please be kind. It is so easy to laugh and think they are being ridiculous, like this mother who experienced shaming as she shopped for her family.

This is an opportunity for the body of Christ to reach out with the only message that can calm a soul, the healing balm of the Gospel. As a Christian, I should be wise, educate myself about the virus, be considerate of others and try not to spread the virus. I should recognize this fear, be understanding, listen, and spread the love of Christ instead. Hopefully we can all give consideration to others, and share some of our excess supplies with those who may have very little.

Another thing to consider about the excessive hoarding is the fact there are people with compromised immune systems that need some of the items that were bought in large quantity in the early days. (Read this article for a personal perspective). This leads to my next point....


2. "Price Gouging" - The market generally allows manufacturers and store owners to recognize demand for certain items. They lower prices to help get things sold that aren't selling (think clearance racks). They raise prices to slow sales when items are flying off shelves, while they increase production. Times like this bring out the greed in our society. Some people in an effort to make a lot of money, bought supplies so they could turn around and sell them for a huge profit. (This guy is stuck with 17,700 bottles of hand sanitizer) Again, this is our opportunity to share with those in need.

Under this heading, while I mentioned greed, I thought I could add the fact that almost immediately scams popped up regarding the virus. Selling useless/fake products, including offers of cures and vaccines. Please check for the facts from a reliable source like the Centers for Disease Control (CDC)


3. "Down Playing the Seriousness" - If you aren't concerned about the virus at all, then I think you need to read more about it. It is new, which is why it is called "novel". A couple months ago, they knew nothing about the virus. As experts try to learn quickly, they offer the best practices from the data they have received. I have seen many posts about people overreacting for no reason, or the flu killing more people each year. This virus doesn't have a year's worth of data. As far as all the closures being an overreaction, I would say they are not. Italy is literally choosing which patients get to use the available medical equipment (like ventilators) and which ones die. The US response is meant to slow or stop the spread of the virus so that it does not overwhelm the medical system. The virus is deadly, and while you might be young and healthy with mild symptoms, you can still spread it to others for whom it may be life threatening. To these people, this is a very big deal!

As a side note, please know that even if the virus doesn't end up affecting millions of people does NOT mean it was no big deal! It does mean that all the actions taken (closing businesses/schools, social distancing, washing your hands, etc) DID work, and the disease was starved of hosts. We should be thankful for that and not smug that you were right.

You may have also seen ageism and ableism rear it's ugly head with subtle comments like "it only affects the elderly and sick" or the not so subtle use of the term "the boomer remover" to label the virus. Things like this story are sickening, but again clearly display the sinfulness of man. In the midst of all of this, I hope we can remember that each of us was created in the image of God. As image-bearers, my prayer would be that we might be able to trust Him for our needs; that His Word would bring comfort to our hearts; and His Spirit would prompt us to act in a loving manner towards one another.

Times like these make it clear that none of us are promised tomorrow. The Bible is clear that "today is the day of salvation." So, you should "choose today whom you will serve" and place your faith in Jesus Christ alone for salvation. Believe that Christ died for your sins and was risen to provide eternal life for all who believe. Repent of your sins. Whether you have toilet paper or not, you can trust that God is in control. Life won't be easy, and you might still feel fearful, but you can absolutely trust Jesus and God's Word, and rest in Him. (2 Corinthians 6:2; Joshua 24:14; Mark 1:15)


4. Final reminders - Please, brothers and sisters, check on your neighbors, and help where you can. One thing this whole situation has helped me to see is that I should try to keep a few extra pantry goods, so that when something like this happens we have plenty to share with our neighbors in need. What a beautiful testimony to the unsaved world to be a calm and shining light in times like this! Be safe everyone and together we will get through this.

Until Next Time~
Shari

Course Correction

I am not a sailor, although I did serve in the US Coast Guard Reserves. However, I do know that you need to be able to set a course and use a compass to stay on your heading. When you are on any kind of journey, it is important to know where you are going, and be able to follow directions to get there. Google tells me that being just 1 degree off course will cause you to miss your destination by 1 mile for every 60 miles you travel. Over the span of our lifetime, if we remain just 1 degree off course, the results could be disastrous!

Those of you who have followed my blog, know we have had a rough couple of years. (That may be a bit of an understatement!) My continuing health issues and physical needs have involved some large financial expenses. We recently experienced another unexpected financial setback. This week's experience has caused me to check my compass and realize that I had subtly and unintentionally drifted off course.

I dislike change, love to plan, like to be aware of what lies ahead, and feel more secure with a cushion in my savings account. Security is my love language! While none of these things is inherently wrong, it can be easy to get off course. I trust God, and know He provides all that we have. I know He has lovingly guided us through every difficult valley, and upheld us on every joyful mountain top. He alone gives, and He alone takes away.

So, when this unplanned financial issue came up a few days ago, it brought up a lot of thoughts and feelings. Fear, lack of security, frustration, and worry were quick to rear their ugly heads. I came to realize that my compass was no longer set to true north. My eyes were not fixed upon Christ, but were fixed upon my own plan to feel secure. My need to plan and control had failed me, and I sat wondering how easily I had drifted from my course (again).

Sitting atop my metaphorical boat, polishing it to a high gloss shine, I failed to make sure I was sailing a straight and sure course. I am thankful that God uses situations in our life to gently remind us to keep our eyes on the right thing: my Savior, Jesus Christ. It is not my planning, or savings account, or health that make me feel secure. Only in Christ is my future secure, and He alone is my only hope in life and death. I am very thankful for this little course correction this week, that I might avoid a more disastrous result down the road. I am in constant need of these reminders to keep my compass pointed north!

Have you checked your compass recently? Have you been drifting? Today is a great day to adjust your course, avoiding serious consequences, and place your faith in the One who can bring you safely to your destination.

Until Next Time~
Shari

Don't Spill the Beans

My mother and I used to play the game "Don't Spill the Beans" when I was a kid. Each player took turns carefully adding a bean to the top of the pot, trying to keep it balanced so it would not tip over and spill the beans all over the table.

Original game photo. We just bought a bag of kidney beans to use.

This game seems like the perfect image for how the last few weeks have felt. In general, I am not an emotional person. I probably shed a few tears once per quarter, and have a good cry once a year or so. Most days my logical side tells me tears won't help, so don't waste energy crying, but then I go through a rough patch. Besides my regular chronic pain and neurological issues, which start my pot off with a handful of beans already, things tend to mount quickly.

Side effects from new high blood pressure medicine - add another bean.
Frustration and disappointment from a body that can't do what I used to do, or what I would really like to do - another bean.
Frequent headaches and migraines - bean.
Cancelled plans - bean.
Financial burden of disability, more pain than normal, weight gain, lack of quality sleep - bean, bean, bean, bean.

It isn't long before I feel my emotions begin to tip to one side, and despite my best efforts to level them out, things tip too far, and streams tears down my face, like the pot dumping all the beans all over the table. I am currently feeling like my pot is about to tip again.

If you are familiar with the game, as soon as the pot tips, emptying all the beans, it swings back and forth slightly a couple of times before it levels out and stops moving.  Just like a good, cleansing cry can swing our emotions, but afterwards there is a calm. All the stress and trials seems to have been washed away, and God graciously rights His vessel once more. He steadies us, having eased our burdens, comforts us and gently reminds us of the joy of our salvation. Christ, who bore the awful load of our sins, takes all our beans (our hardships) upon Himself, gives us a lighter load to carry. May we all be an empty vessel, willing to spill all of our beans into Jesus' loving arms, and look to Him alone for grace, strength and comfort in difficult periods of life.

One day there will be no more pain, or tears, but for now I pray that I will be an empty vessel, willing to be filled and used by God, for His glory. I am beyond grateful for the gift of eternal life, and the hope that I have found In Him. He provides exactly what I need, when I need it.

I thought I would finish with the words of the Heidelberg Catechism question #1:

          Q. What is your only comfort in life and death?

          A. That I am not my own, but belong with body and soul, 
               both in life and in death, to my faithful Savior Jesus Christ. 
               He has fully paid for all my sins with his precious blood,
               and has set me free from all the power of the devil. 
               He also preserves me in such a way that without the will 
               of my heavenly Father not a hair can fall from my head; 
               indeed, all things must work together for my salvation. 
               Therefore, by his Holy Spirit he also assures me of eternal life 
               and makes me heartily willing and ready from now on to live for him.

What "beans" are piling up on your pot? Look to Christ today, and give them all over to Him, before they spill all over the place!

Until Next Time~
Shari

Pinball Wizard

Pinball gets a bad rap. Whenever I hear a reference to it, it is often in regards to feeling like the ball, being knocked around, seemingly senselessly. What if we changed our focus? What if we instead think of the pinball wizard? We could recognize the amount of skill and coordination the game takes. We can admire the knowledge of physics and geometry needed to do well. We could see the gentle touch used. Appreciate the wisdom to know when to use force sparingly and with precise timing, without seeing the dreaded "tilt". There is a true rhythm to the game, where the ball is not a helpless victim, but a willing participant. A tool used in reaching the goal.

None of my analogies are perfect, but I do get these crazy ideas that help explain my life! I will admit, I have felt like that poor, metal ball being whacked about, just trying to get in the safety of that hole at the bottom of the game, not realizing that would be game over.

I have had so many migraines in the past few weeks, in addition to everything else, that it is hard not to feel like that ball. Then, one day this song got stuck in my head, and I started thinking. What if I stop focusing on the ball, and instead focus on the fact there is a pinball wizard moving the ball exactly how, when, and where he wants to?

A change in perspective can give us a change in attitude. While God is not a "pinball wizard" and I don't believe God is whacking us around a game board, I do know that every move my life takes is a planned move. God is gently nudging me, directing me, keeping me from that darkness of that hole that appears quiet and safe at the bottom of the pinball game. He keeps me from falling in the pit. God's loving care keeps me going, gives my hope, directs my path. I do not need to worry that our lives will go "tilt" as 2 Corinthians 4:8-9 promises:

"We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed."

Praying my migraines cease, but so very thankful for the loving, rubber bumpers that the Lord uses to steer me away from paths I should not take. He uses the gentle touch I need. I can trust I won't be crushed or destroyed, even if there are difficult times. 

Until Next Time~

Shari

Faith at 49

Yesterday was my 49th birthday, but I don't feel a day over 80 though! 😁 I figured I would celebrate with a blog post since it has been a while.

In a lot of ways, my days have been pretty status quo, but there have been some new developments if I think a little harder. I have been continuing on my infusions of IVIg every other week. Besides being bored for 5 hours in the infusion center, there isn't much to report here. Thankfully the side effects have been minimal, but I am not convinced it is helping at all.

Subjectively I think I have been getting worse. My legs don't seem to want to follow my brain's commands, and seem to have more trouble walking. For sure the numbness, tingling and weakness in my hands and arms has been progressing. Due to this, I have had more issues navigating in my manual wheelchair, and yet I am using it more and more. We have an appointment on the 10th of June at Shirley Ryan Abilities Lab again to begin the process of getting a power wheelchair. Of course, with a power wheelchair, an accessible van is a necessity. (I should probably do a blog post on the expensive nature of a disability, since I think my husband works to pay for all my needs) I am excited though that the new power chair, and the van will make me more independent. I do miss shopping at an actual store (while online shopping is a blessing when you can't go somewhere, it just isn't the same, especially for clothing!)

About two weeks ago, I had an episode of nerve pain in both legs, that grew so bad that I had to rethink what I thought a 10/10 on the pain scale was (even after 2 kids and 20 kidney stones). This was hands down the worst pain I have ever felt, and it landed me in the ER. Thank God for strong drugs! They basically knocked me out for a couple hours, and I woke up feeling better. I was very worried that the pain would come back, or would be here to stay, and knew that there was no way I could handle that.

Even as that thought entered my mind, I wondered "what exactly do I mean?" Many of you have heard a story of someone who has gone through something horrible, or seemingly impossible, and thought "I could never do that!" But what happens when that same terrible accident or illness strikes you? In that moment, you might think along the same lines. I know I did lying in the ER bed: I can't do this, I cannot live in this much pain.  I understand feeling that way, but in reality we have no choice. It is not as simple as rewinding the clock to a time before the accident happened, or telling the doctor you decided not have the disease he just diagnosed you with.

It is in these moments that the rubber meets the road. Does all the talk about my faith mean anything? Do I really believe what I preach? My answer is a resounding YES! However, that does not mean that I never struggle or doubt. The pain is very real. There are many days I feel the reality of the fact that I am not strong enough to handle all of this, but it is also in those moments that God reminds me of His strength.

I know I have said this before, but the saying "God never gives you more than you can handle" is not in the Bible. What is true is that God never gives you more than HE can handle. He grows us in our faith, strengthens us, and allows us to persevere. It is only my lack of trust, my lack of faith, that in the midst of excruciating pain, I cry out to God and say "I can't!" Those words should be immediately be followed by, "but I know You can!"

This is not easy. Life is not easy (or even fair, for that matter), but every day is a blessing. Every day is a choice to dwell on all the things we can't do, or can't handle, or to dwell on the goodness and faithfulness of God. We thank Him, the giver and sustainer of life, for every second of every day that we are given to enjoy His creation, our families, our jobs, our friends or pets, or anything and everything you have in your life that you get to enjoy during our brief time here under the sun. Every breath is a blessing, even if it is a painful one. Be encouraged today, that even though you can't, He can!

Until Next Time~
Shari

Prayer requests:

• Please continue to pray for clear test results in September when we return to Mayo Clinic, so we can make decisions regarding my treatment going forward. 
• My liver enzymes have been elevated for the past couple months, please pray they return to normal.
• Pray for me to trust in God to provide all we need, whether it is about the cost of the van and everything I need, or the pain I am experiencing. I worry (more than I should), but know I should trust God, and am thankful He is teaching me to trust Him more. He has always provided, and I don't expect Him to stop now. I am thankful that Chad doesn't stress over this the way I do! We make a good team <3 
• Pray for the grant I applied for to help (hopefully) with some of the conversion costs of the van. That organization has my case on their agenda for their June meeting.

Y'all Come Back Now, Ya Hear?

We just got home from Mayo. They repeated two tests yesterday that measure nerve function. Both tests showed stable results with marginal improvement in a couple of the numbers. As it turns out, I didn't get the clear results I was praying for, but that's okay. God did answer prayers for decent weather, safe travels, and I did not have too much pain. (I am worn out though!)

The doctor said we had many options including:

1. Stop the IVIg infusions, 
2. Take IVIg plus a 2nd medicine, 
3. Continue on as is, or 
4. Switch to something else entirely different. 

Hmmmm....well hey, at least I have choices! Basically, we feel like we are playing pin the tail on the donkey blindfolded! With any disease, it is often difficult to find the correct course of treatment for a patient. It is even more difficult with rare diseases. Many times you just have to make an educated guess, and see if something works.

We discussed all the options, but he doesn't have answers to all the questions I asked. He doesn't know for sure the medicine is doing anything. It might be that I just haven't gotten any worse in the past 6 months. He is "guardedly optimistic" that the medicine may be starting to make a difference. The first signs of this disease began back in 2005. It has been a very slowly progressing disease over 14 years. If the nerve inflammation and scarring is ever going to get any better, it will be a slow recovery process.

We decided to stay on the current course, but with IVIg infusions every 2 weeks, instead of weekly (mostly to give me a little break from the headaches and fatigue). Chad and I are good at making a decision and then sticking to it, so I will do 13 more infusions over the next 26 weeks.

In September, we will repeat all the tests again, and make a new plan.  If things continue to improve, we will adjust treatment as needed. It I am not better, we will stop all medications, wait a year....then, you guessed it, go back to Mayo for testing and a doctor appointment.

I did ask for prayer for clear results. I did get an answer to that prayer, and that answer was very clear, although the results weren't. I like things neat and tidy. I would love to just have all my symptoms packed into a nice little box, and be clearly labeled, but that does not seem to be God's plan. I like to get things done (fast preferably), check them off my list, and move on to the next thing. God, however, has me on the long, winding road, teaching me to sit back, slow down, and enjoy the scenery. I am learning not to take anything for granted. I am also learning to be present in the day. Today I can still get up, enjoy life, spend time doing things I love. I don't know what life will be like 6 or even 12 months from now (or if I will even be around to tell you), but I fully trust God, who is guiding my path. I wish He had me on the expressway, but the back country dirt roads aren't so bad either!

Thank you all for your prayers! I will keep everyone updated on our trips, and test, and everything else! To be continued.....

Until Next Time~
Shari

Why Me?

Several people over the years have said that I must question why all of this is happening to me. Why I have to suffer. Why I can't seem to catch a break. Why me??

My response has almost always been: "Why not me?"

Honestly, this question has still come to my mind many times. I may not have asked "why me?" in the pity party sense. Instead, I am in awe as I ponder the fate that my sin truly deserves, and yet know I received grace instead. The mere fact that I might enjoy anything in this life, moreover inherit eternal life through Jesus Christ, leaves me speechless.

The lyrics of the hymn How Sweet and Awesome Is This Place  capture this wonder:

...Each of us cry, with thankful tongues,

"Lord, why was I a guest?

"Why was I made to hear Thy voice,

And enter while there's room,

When thousands make a wretched choice, 

And rather starve than come?"

When you let that sink in, you can't help but to ask "Why me?"

I am still doing a study with the book by Jared C Wilson that I mentioned in this post. The chapter this week brought up a story of the author's friend (Richard) who found out he was dying of cancer. During that period, Richard wrote these words in an email to Pastor Wilson:

"I really feel so blessed that God would actually use me at all to attempt to bring Him the glory He so deserves. Why me, brother?"

Wow. I read through that a couple of times. What a marvelous and humble response from someone facing death. I won't presume to know God's plan, but this story hit me like a ton of bricks. My prayers have consistently been that God would strengthen me to suffer well. That I might suffer faithfully in a manner that would bring Him glory in the midst of these trials. So, when I read this story of a dying man questioning why God would graciously choose him to be a part of the bigger picture, it touched me.

The Westminster Shorter Catechism asks:
Q. What is the chief end of man?
A. Man's chief end is to glorify God, and enjoy Him forever.

I want God to be glorified. I know that through every twist and turn in my life, God has been growing me. I am not who I once was. I am also not who I will be. Sanctification is a process, and in some ways I have come a long way, and in other ways I have barely moved.

Life is not easy. Some days lately it seems overwhelming and impossible, in fact. Through all of these trials, God has revealed things in my own heart that are not pleasant. He has chastened and corrected me. He has convicted me of my need to love and serve others. He has humbled me, painfully so, at times. I know more about myself than I used too. I am learning a lot about others as well. God has deepened my faith and my trust in Him.

This week, I find myself echoing that book chapter, "Lord, why me? Why would you use me at all to attempt to bring yourself the glory that you alone deserve?"

As I ponder these things, my heart sings praises to Him. I feel thankful to know that He can (and will) be glorified in the midst of my suffering. He does strengthen and sustain me. He hears my cries, and He replies:

"Why not you?"

I pray you all might be guests with thankful tongues, and not make a wretched choice. May God be glorified through us all!

Until Next Time~

Shari

Friends

I woke up this morning with some old song lyrics playing in my head. Not sure if many of you were Whodini fans back in the day, but these were the words I heard this morning on auto repeat upon waking:

"Friends

How many of us have them?

Friends

Ones we can depend on 

Friends

How many of have them

Friends

Before we go any further, let's be

Friends"

Now, you may very well think this is a weird thing to be thinking as soon as my eyes open before 6 am, but for me, my brain is either fully asleep or going 100 mph, so this is normal for me! Friendship has been on my mind a lot lately. I have been thinking back over my life and about the people who have come and gone. I have been trying to define what friendship is, and what reasonable expectations I should have.

I was born in 1970, and grew up in a different era. An era where "screen time" wasn't a term. If we watched TV at all, it was one of a half dozen channels, tuned in with a rabbit ear antenna. It was also live TV. If you weren't home in front of the television on a Friday night, you didn't get to see who shot J.R. We also didn't wear bike helmets (the first car I can remember that we had, didn't even have seat belts in the back seat). During the summer, I would be up and outside early in the morning, shortly after my single mom left for work, and would return only to grab food or for a bathroom break, and not be back until dinner. We didn't have cell phones, and while I can't say with certainty, I don't think my mom worried about where I was. Being out with friends all over the neighborhood was normal. We would ride our bikes a couple miles to the convenient store and buy candy and pop. I was truly a latch-key kid. I walked to kindergarten alone, with a key strung on a piece of yarn around my neck. I left for school when the Bozo show was over, and returned back home almost 2 hours before my mom got back from work. Lots of things were different back then.

It was also an age when abuse or bullying were not readily recognized or dealt with. I have written about my back story a few times, and if you are interested in the details, just go back to the first few blog posts I ever wrote. For the sake of today's discussion about friends, I will just summarize by saying that I came from a broken home, where abuse occurred. The impact of this on me at a very young age, by the people closest to me, was that I withdrew. As a young grade school age kid, I struggled to make sense of the world. I was small in stature, and painfully shy. The kind of shy where you sit in a corner, don't speak, and are on the verge of crying or vomiting when the teacher calls your name. I had trouble making friends, which would be a theme throughout my childhood. I did best one-on-one, and had a close friend or two at a time.  I was not athletic, and some would probably say clumsy. School came easy for me, without studying, and I was always the first one done with every test. This became a game I played to see how fast I could complete the test, but to some degree a necessity. I was bullied, and those same kids would want to copy the answers off my worksheets and tests. What I learned at home from the abuse was that saying no was not acceptable. You did what was asked of you, and were not given a choice. I did not want to let people copy my work, but was too timid to say no. My solution, was to be super fast, and run the paper up to the teacher's desk as soon as I could, and sheepishly apologize for not being able to "help."

I can't deny that all of these experiences shaped who I am. While I believe that we are born with natural talents and personality traits, our experiences and upbringing impact those things drastically some times. I had trouble trusting people. My experience was that people let you down, hurt you, and abandon you. I found people difficult to understand. I liked things to fit in a neat little (controllable) box, and people were none of those things. They were complicated and impossible to figure out. I felt like everyone else got a manual on navigating social circles, and I never got to read it. People were exhausting. I learned that I could only trust myself, and no one else. So I started building walls to keep others out.

As the years past, I realized that even the few people you let into your inner circle will turn on you to help themselves, share your darkest secrets to increase their social standing or drop you like a hot potato when it is to their advantage. As I began junior high, I became acutely aware of the fact that I was from a poor, black neighborhood. This was a fact that I had not understood up until this point. It was normal to me, and I never dreamed that my white "friends" would shun me for being different. I didn't fit in to the rich, white, preppy club, and those two years were such a struggle, that it would change the course of my life.

I spent a lot of time alone, and when I did talk to anyone, it was the neighbors that I knew. The wall I had built around myself became higher and thicker. I was determined to never let anyone hurt me again. I got angry, and instead of sheepishly saying yes, when I wanted to say no, I became ready to fight with anyone, at a moments notice. As newer families moved into our apartment complex, I met more and more of them, and quickly found that becoming part of their group provided me with fast friends. The trouble was that the apartments had become an area for the gang named "black gangster disciples". I wanted to belong very badly to a group, especially one that hated the clique that had shunned me. The gang was more than willing to include me. I then got involved in drugs and stealing, and fighting.....lots of fighting. All of this was to make and keep "friends."  By this time, I used people to achieve what I needed. I was fairly intelligent, and would use that to my advantage to get people to do what I wanted. My issues with saying no continued though, and lead to to do things I didn't want to do still. I was a broken mess, who still found social events to be exhausting. People were a jigsaw puzzle with so many missing pieces that I could never solve it.

Chad can testify to my short fuse back when we met (1989). Throughout the early 90's, I was a ticking time bomb on the verge of killing someone for looking at me funny. I was willing to fight with anyone, anywhere, at any time. In my early 20's, I had Chad, and my two kids, and no real friends to speak of. I was out to prove I didn't need anyone, even Chad knew he was expendable. (love you honey!)

This is where I was when God entered the picture in 1998. Now, just over 20 years since I became a Christian, and am happy to report that He is still working feverishly in my heart to correct all these wrong and sinful attitudes. It began by Him graciously showing me my sinfulness. when it came to wrong thoughts about people. God showed me that I am not independent, and not in control of my life. Slowly, very slooowwwllllyyyyyy, God has torn down the wall I spent years building (the dust is still settling). He has really convicted me that others are "created in His image" (Genesis 1:27), and when I would start going back to old thought patterns (thinking people are exhausting, not worth the effort, to be kept at arm's length, or just obstacles to be stepped over and manipulated to get what I want) the Holy Spirit is quick to let the rooster crow and show me my sin. This has been a long road, and this journey still continues. It is hard to change so many years of history that has shaped the essence of who I have become, actually it is impossible apart from Christ. It has been painful at times, as sanctification is never a pleasant experience. I will be the first to admit that making friends still isn't easy for me. People can be needy and unkind. Most times I still find socializing exhausting. I spend a lot of time in prayer trying to set reasonable expectations of others, wanting to be vulnerable and open with others, and figuring out how to meet the needs of others while setting healthy boundaries.

When God first started this process, I began to realize that my definition of "friendship" was all wrong, all worldly. Friends were the people in my life I expected to meet every demand, always have my back, and love me unconditionally, all while I invested very little of my own energy doing the same. Like a self-fulfilling prophecy, I set myself up to prove my hypothesis that people were untrustworthy, and would stab you in the back the first chance they got. As I studied God's word, He lead me to passages like these:

"A friend loves at all times." (Proverbs 17:17)

A sweet friendship refreshes the soul." (Proverbs 27:9)

"Love one another." (Romans 12:10)

"Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others." (Philippians 2:4)

"He who withholds kindness from a friend forsakes the fear of the Almighty." (Job 6:14)

"Bear one another's burdens." (Galatians 6:2)

"Encourage one another and build one another up." (1 Thessalonians 5:11)

"Serve one another." (1 Peter 4:10)

"Do to others as you would have then do to you." (Luke 6:31)

"...that we may be mutually encouraged by each other's faith." (Romans 1:12)

"Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.' (Proverbs 27:17)

"And this commandment we have from him: whoever loves God must also love his brother." (1 John 4:21)

"Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends." (John 15:13)

"Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity." (Colossians 3:12-14)

Scripture turns my definition on its head! Friends are not put into our lives to do our bidding, or meet our needs. Friends are are a blessing from God. People who choose to love us, because God loves us. God commands us to love and serve others. Yes, friendships take work, and it requires that we die to our own selfish desires. It is an intentional choice to love someone, not because we want something in return, but in response to what Christ has already done.

Friends are a gift that are placed in our lives to help encourage our faith, to correct and rebuke us, and to carry our burdens, as we carry theirs. A friend is not just a person who agrees with you, or is easy to talk to. Each brother and sister in Christ, each of our neighbors, every person who tries talking to us n line at the grocery store, are all opportunities to show Christ's love to others. We can create true friendships, built upon a firm foundation with God and His Word as it's base. We are only able to love and forgive others, because we have been loved and forgiven by God. We recognize God's image in the face of others, even those who are different than we are. Yes, even those who are "weird" or difficult or hard to love.

God is graciously continuing His work in me. I have a long way to go in this area. I still tend to be exhausted (mentally and physically) after social events. My self-righteousness still rears its ugly head when I walk away from interactions wondering why someone didn't ask about me. The Lord is quickly making the theme of 2019 "it isn't about me." Another painful, but necessary sanctifying lesson to be learned. I pray that God would show each of you your sinfulness, and your desperate need of a Savior. I pray He opens your eyes to the people around you, that maybe you tend to overlook. Those who were all created in His image, and could use a true friend. The kind that sticks closer than a brother (Proverbs 18:24), not because you want something from them, but because you love God so much that His love bubbles up and pours over onto others. May He gently remind us all that this life is not about us, but it is about Him.

Until Next Time~
Shari

ODAAT

I like schedules. Actually, my life is full of lists and schedules. I even make a weekly dinner menu. Order and structure characterize my days, so much so, that some days you will find me doubled over in pain cooking dinner. If the menu says spaghetti on Tuesday, we are eating spaghetti on Tuesday if there is any humanly possible way for me to get it done. Sometimes, Chad comes home from work and just shakes his head in disbelief. "You know that no one else does this, right?" he asks.

Since I like things planned out (no surprises for this girl!) I begin each day looking over the week's activity list. When I was younger and healthier, I always got everything done. Now, I try to save energy for the days that have the most important tasks. The trouble is, ALL the tasks on my list are *important* to me. According to the Meyers-Briggs personality test my kids had me take a few years ago, I am "the duty-fulfiller" type. Basically, this means that I have a list of things that I need to get done each day. I push through to get every last item done, always have, and always......well, actually not anymore. Some days, no matter how hard I push, there are still items left on my to-do list at the end of the day, which tends to leave me feeling like I failed. (Yep, I got issues)

I have always planned my days and weeks far in advance, even down to life's least important tasks. I am a creature of habit. I do laundry on Mondays, clean each level of the house on their specified days, and grocery shop on Thursday mornings. Every chore, and even things like reading or art, are in my calendar in their official time slot. Chad also shakes his head when my phone buzzes every few minutes reminding me to do basically everything. What a glorious time we live in to have smart phones with reminder alarms! I used to write everything on a wall calendar, and use notepads for endless lists.

I have written before about managing expectations. Honestly, I am WAY better at letting others off the hook, giving them grace, and lowering my expectations of them, than I am of myself. I am my own worst enemy. I know that my list doesn't really matter. Although I like structure, I do know that if my laundry doesn't get done until Friday, the world won't fall apart. Honestly, I won't even run out of clean clothes that soon! If my life seems ridiculously organized, all I can say is that I am a LOT more laid back than I was twenty years ago. (Hard to believe, right?) Age, children, marriage, poor health, and most importantly, my faith in Christ have all impacted me in a positive way, and helped me to let go of some things. I have learned to cut myself a little slack. I am still a work in progress.

Lately, each day seems to start differently, unpredictably. I never know how I will feel. New challenges present themselves, and as Chad likes to say, we adapt, improvise, and overcome. I have been made more and more aware of my tendency to want to perfectly perform my (never ending) lists. I am a taskmaster. I place unnecessary burdens upon myself, especially now. There is nothing quite like completing a task, and being able to cross it off my list! I am learning that most of what is on my list is unimportant. I need to prioritize, but I also need to learn to let go. Everything is not of equal importance. It really is okay if the furniture is dusty.

I am trying to take each day as it comes. I can't change how I feel when I wake up every morning, but I can choose how I view each day. I am working to figure out why I am how I am, growth is an important part of life (although I am not a huge fan of change). For now, I am learning to take One Day At A Time (ODAAT). By the grace of God, I am learning to forgive myself, and give myself permission to "fail" at finishing my list. The Lord has been teaching me so much through all these trials, and most recently, He has been gently revealing the heart issues behind my compulsive behavior. My need to do everything on my list is a form of works righteousness. It shows my sinful tendency to want to do something to earn favor, or feel accomplished. It speaks to my trying to control things, which reveals a lack of faith and trust. All my striving to complete a list is simply futility. The good news is that Christ's work was complete. I do not have to contribute anything to my salvation, nor could I add anything to it. Jesus said, "It is finished." I don't need to run myself ragged over a ridiculously long and detailed list of chores. I need only to enter into His rest. I am grateful for God's loving correction, and His grace to live ODAAT.

Until Next Time~
Shari

Bruised

When people ask how they can pray for me, I frequently tell them to pray that I might suffer well. While I would love for God to heal me, to end my pain and suffering, and to make me well, it is not the thing I ask for most often.  No one but God knows how long this season of suffering will last, but I do know that I am called to endure, to continue to praise God, and to bring glory to His name. I want to be a faithful witness. In my weakness and my darkest moments, I cry out to God for strength, grace, and healing, but always end my prayer saying "not my will, but Yours be done."

I was given a book to read recently, "Holding on to Hope: A Pathway through Suffering to the Heart of God" by Nancy Guthrie. If you have gone through a period of suffering, grief, or loss, get this book! She brought up a great point in the book, and it has really stuck with me. She mentioned that we seem to tack on the little phrase "Your will be done" at the end of our prayers, but really should start our prayers in this manner. Imagine if we could really give all our wants and desires over to the Lord and pray "Your will be done", fully trusting He will work all things for our good. Honestly, just go read the book, as I am not doing it any justice here! It is hands-down the best book on suffering I have read, and I have read a LOT of them.

Before I sign off, I figured it is time for some updates. First, I began my weekly IVIg infusions on Friday, October 26th, and will have my 3rd one this Friday. Side effects thus far are fatigue and a mild headache, although last Sunday I had a full blown migraine. Additionally, my veins aren't cooperating, so the doctors are currently deciding if I should have a port put in to enable easy access for the IV. It took 3 attempts last week to get the IV started, and my arms are very bruised, but I know that God does not break a bruised reed.

Hopefully, my body will adjust, and treatment can continue. I am really suffering, and this is the last line of treatment. With my legs, the main symptoms were numbness, weakness, cramping, loss of reflexes and balance issues, but overall not painful. Now that we realize my upper body issues are related to the CIDP also, it has helped me to understand some of my symptoms. While I do have numbness, weakness, and muscle cramping in my arms, I also have constant burning nerve pain in my neck and hands. The most painful aspect has been the random electric shocks that shoot down my arms unexpectedly. I remain cautiously optimistic that this treatment will provide some relief, choosing each day to not linger in the self pity and depression that constantly stalk me. Pray for me to continue to cling to my Savior, and to suffer faithfully. I know He will give me the grace needed to live each day for His glory.

The last thing to tell you about is a letter I recently wrote to the doctor (whom shall be known as "Dr. D") who performed my original surgery. I wrote three pages explaining everything that has transpired since 2009 when he removed the "tumor." I wasn't sure "Dr. D" would even read the letter, remember me, or respond. He was only my doctor for about a year, before we moved on to second and third opinions. Since he is at a teaching hospital, the letter was meant to inform and be used as a learning experience. I was pleasantly surprised to receive a two page hand-written response from "Dr. D" a couple weeks later. His response was sincere and humble. He admitted he should have done better at  following up with me. It was a cathartic thing to do, and helps me to close that chapter and move on. And so, I am moving on...

Until Next Time~
Shari

Loss of Control

I admit it. I am a control freak. I like all of my ducks in a row.....a perfectly straight row, to be exact. If you knew me 10 years ago, you saw this attribute in full bloom! Health issues, age and a bit of wisdom have helped me learn to let go of a few things, but I will always be a planner. So, when things don't go according to my plan, it gets a bit uncomfortable (frustrating perhaps?) and I get irritated.

Our trip to Mayo Clinic didn't go quite like I expected, in large part because Northwestern Medicine "wasn't playing nice" according to my doctor. We requested ALL of my tissue samples about 6 weeks ago. Since I like to stay on top of things, I called to follow up with them 3 weeks later. They said they never received any request. I personally talked with the pathology department at that point, emailed a new request and paid $40 to overnight the samples to Mayo.

I then made sure the package showed up at Mayo, and got to the right doctor. Last week, it was here and in the right doctor. Then, we show up for our appointments today....

Turns out that Northwestern only sent 3 slides, that were already prepared with stain (doctor said like getting cooked meat instead of raw), instead of ALL the pathology as requested. The doctor then contacted Northwestern to get the remaining tissue, and the hospital refused to send MY tissue samples to Mayo Clinic so that they could properly diagnosis and treat me. Yup, that is irritating. 

As it turns out, the medical team here has seen enough to say with a fair amount of certainty that I do have CIDP and I did not ever have a neurofibroma. (Makes me wonder if this is why Northwestern isn't sharing?) Either way, I will begin treatment of low dose, weekly infusions of IVIG, and give it 4 months to start working. Then we will return to Minnesota again in January (yay) and repeat all the testing to see if there is any difference. 

In the meantime, I can assure you, Northwestern will get tired of hearing from me, until they give me ALL of MY tissues samples! (Chad says I am like a dog with a bone, so I won't let go until I get what I need). Mayo did not want to do a nerve root biopsy, unless they absolutely have too. The biopsy itself takes a big enough piece of nerve for testing, and will likely leave me with an additional neurological deficit. They will stay in touch once they get everything, and make their final, definitive decision on things (thought we would have that today, yep very irritating).

For now, I am still learning that ducks like to get out of line, and no matter how hard I try to keep them together, they frequently fail to comply with my desires. All of this makes me remember that my idea of control is all just an illusion anyways. In all honesty, I have absolutely no ability to make anyone else, or any situation work out according to my plan, and I don't want it to. 

I really do appreciate all of God's gentle (and sometimes not so gentle) reminders that His plan is different and better than mine. I can quit being like the little hamster in a wheel going around in circles trying to get somewhere, and rest in Him, knowing He knows exactly what I need, and exactly when I need it.

So, we will be home tomorrow. I am thankful to not be having surgery. I am grateful for friends and family who pray regularly, and send me a ton of messages of encouragement. Hopefully, I will continue to grow and these changes in my plans will bother me less and less as I get older. Lord, help me to be a more patient patient. One day at a time, right?!

Until Next Time~

Shari

Constant Sorrows

Have you ever knocked over a glass of milk? You watched it tip in almost slow motion, as it runs all over the floor, and soaks everything nearby. How did you respond? On a typical day, you may very well feel a mild annoyance, and rush to clean it up.

Now, have you ever had one of those days when your 2 year old is throwing a temper tantrum and while dealing with that, you burned breakfast? Maybe at that exact moment, your 5 year old is yelling your name from another room. You know, the kind of scream that makes your heart sink, and you instinctive realize that they are hurt. At the very second you rush to their aid (now trying to ignore that tantrum of your toddler, and the charcoal remains of your meal) the phone rings. It is suddenly so loud, and you feel you may explode. You are still hurrying to help your child when you bump a glass of milk, knocking it over, and it splashes everywhere. How do you respond in this scenario? Do you feel overwhelmed? Is anger welling up from within? Do you drop to the ground, scoop up the hurt child and just start sobbing because it all seems like too much?

I have been dealing with a lot lately. It seems like every day is the latter of the two scenarios. It isn't just the small glass of spilled milk that makes me want to drop to my knees in prayer and weep. By itself, I can deal with the pain in my neck and back. I can cope with the allergies, or migraines. Normal days make the nerve pain doable. Numbness, or loss of balance and falling, are each things I can accept. We still have some unanswered questions from Mayo. All the waiting and the unknown causes me to ponder various options and outcomes, the "might-bes" and "could-have-beens" often late at night when I am not able to sleep because of pain.

My life isn't special or unique. The majority of us deal with hundreds of small things on a daily basis. We all have to decide how we respond to the overturned glass of milk. We all have moments when we want to just curl into a ball and cry. I just started reading a new devotional book that encourages prayer and the reading of the Psalms. Thousands of years ago, King David felt sorrow over many things too. The Psalms are both a raw expression of emotion, and an encouragement from our Lord at the same time.

Psalm 77 is titled in the ESV as "In the Day of Trouble I Seek the Lord" and begins in verse 1 with:

"I cry aloud to God,

aloud to God, and he will hear me."

It has rained several times recently. The dark and dreary days feels as if they go on forever. They make me feel sad and like not doing anything. On the longest of days, when everything I am dealing with seems to occur at the exact same moment, and I don't think I can go on....I cry aloud to God, and He hears me. In the darkness, and in the pain....I cry aloud to God, and He hears me. On sunny days, when life seems ok, and all I am dealing with is one glass of spilled milk.....I cry aloud to God, and He hears me. 

I want you to know you are not alone, even when you feel like it. On days when you feel like you can't go on, or when the rain just won't stop, God has promised His people that He hears their cries. Our feelings betray us. The devil would like us to believe we cannot go on, and that we are alone. He tries to separate us from right fellowship with God and His people. We cannot trust our feelings and perceptions, but we can trust God's Word.

There is someone else besides you and me that knew this very well, that is Jesus. Isaiah 53:3-5 tells us that:

"He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief."

Jesus knows sorrow and grief. He can empathize with whatever we are going through, and will help us to endure it (1 Corinthians 10:13). He knows far greater sorrow than we can ever know. As he prepared to go to the cross, he cried out in prayer to God the Father, and asked that this cup might be taken from him. Yet, Jesus knew he must go forward. He must go to the cross, to his death. Jesus knows the cup cannot be taken from him, and he prays for God's will to be done, and trusts Him fully to accomplish His plans. Jesus took our sins upon himself at the cross, with the result being his separation from God (Matthew 27). In those moments, Jesus knew a far greater pain than we are going through.

Some days it is easy to dismiss all of this by saying, "Yeah, but Jesus is God, of course he could do it. I really can't handle all of this." You are correct, you cannot. Jesus trusted God, and so must we. Will we do so perfectly? No, but we make a choice to trust God, and His Word. We ask him for help, and cry aloud to Him. We can know He will hear us, even when our minds tell us He will never listen. The truth is, we frequently have to deal with more than we can handle, but never more than God can handle. If we will turn to Him in faith and repentance, God is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and He will also extend each of us the grace we need to get through each day.

So, yes, there have been a few tears lately, a few moments of feeling alone. There are times when I hear depression knocking on my door and I am tempted to answer. In those moments, the Psalms have really helped me to grieve, while still praising God. This new book has been a great reminder to pray. I know God hears me. I am never alone.

Until Next Time~

Shari

P.S. If you are interested in the book I mentioned it is Prayers of the Bible: 366 Devotionals to Encourage Your Prayer Life by Gordon Keddie.

Lost In Space

I thought I would try to write a short post, since I have been very wordy recently! I mentioned the sensory and motor nerve issues that were discovered on my tests in yesterday's post. I have been thinking about the doctor explaining this all to us.

Tests showed some motor nerve involvement. This would cause weakness, and muscle atrophy, which is why I fatigue quickly, and can't walk as far as I used to. There is also some demyelination. Myelin is the protective covering over your nerves. It is like the outside plastic sheath on electrical wires. When nerves show signs of demyelination it means that the protective coating is being destroyed by the disease process. Just like a short in an electrical wire, without the coating on the nerves, the signals slow or stop and cannot pass correctly along the nerve, getting lost along the way.

My tests also show sensory nerve damage. In fact, my testing shows that this part is the worst part of my particular case. The doctor said it was one of the worst sensory exams he has done. Sensory nerves help you feel hot or cold. They allow you to feel rough and smooth surfaces. They enable you to walk, and feel the ground under your feet. My legs are numb from my toes to my hips. So much so that I have burned myself in the shower without realizing it. One of the biggest problems with not having much feeling in your limbs, is the difficulty your brain has trying to communicate properly with them. I cannot always tell where my feet are in space. Proprioception is the brain's ability to have a sense of the position of all our body parts as we move. It usually lets us know how hard we are pushing down, or weight bearing.

Because of all of this, I am a bit "lost in space." I start to take a step forward, and instead I lose my balance and end up side-stepping to try to stop from falling (danger Will Robinson!). I end up going in a direction that I did not intend to go, and THAT sums up our life right now. It probably seems like a lot of your lives too. We think we are headed in one direction (at work or home, perhaps medically or relationally), when we realize we have had to do a couple quick side steps to stop from falling. I went to Mayo thinking that we would get answers about our future (learn more about my prognosis), and came home questioning our past.

Proverbs 16:9 reminds us that "The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps." We may feel like we are stumbling around. It may seem like we are falling and side-stepping instead of heading in the direction we should be going, but God has ordained our steps. We may not feel like we are on a straight path. Our idea of straight may be different from the Lord's. God's ways are higher than ours. His purposes mightier. We are to trust in the Lord with all our heart, and not lean on our understanding, but in all our ways acknowledge Him. If we do, He promises us to make our paths straight. (Proverbs 3:5-6)

I have said many, many times that this is not a path I would have ever chosen. I don't think anyone in their right mind would sign up for this, but I believe with all my heart, that I am walking this road for God's glory and my good. I am thankful for His loving discipline, and the Spirit's leading and guiding. I am grateful that He has begun teaching me patience, love and compassion. I am praying that God would graciously open your eyes to His truth, open your heart to His Son, and give you faith to trust that He is making our crooked paths straight.

Until Next Time~
Shari