Hurry Up and Wait

 Waiting is not easy. I am a woman of action! I like to tackle problems head-on and get things crossed off my list. So, when I received my cancer diagnosis and was told just to wait until my body had healed from surgery before we start any testing or treatment, I struggled to just sit and wait. Personality aside, it is hard to hear that you have breast cancer and then be told we can't do anything about it for a few weeks. Every part of you is screaming to get rid of all the cancer cells, and the last thing you want to do is nothing.

Waiting is not easy, but in those moments of impatience, fear, and uncertainty, the Lord meets us with His still small voice, if we just pause and listen. My last few weeks have been a sobering practice in quietly trusting and waiting. The main thing I have learned is that I am not good at it! This is definitely a weakness that will require discipline and practice to develop. If you are familiar with the Bible at all, you may have heard of Mary and Martha. 

Mary, Martha, and their brother Lazurus, were friends of Jesus. In Luke chapter 10, Jesus is visiting them and Martha is busy hosting, while Mary sits at his feet to listen. Martha complains that Mary isn't helping, but Jesus says Mary choose what is better. Mary is seen as quiet, thoughtful and devoted, while Martha is practical, busy and task-focused. 

I am definitely a Martha, and while I enjoy serving, it can sometimes be a distraction. I stay busy to avoid thinking about serious things, or to keep my mind from wandering. This is not inherently bad, but if I fail to properly deal with thoughts and emotions, rather than keeping them out of my mind through busyness, then I also fail to learn and grow from those things. Additionally, I can be so task-focused (i.e. have to get my to-do list finished), that I fail to see the people around me that are the better option to choose. Somethings do need to get done, but at the end of the day, the people in my life are WAY more important than my to-do list!

A cancer diagnosis has a way of putting life into perspective. I don't want my legacy to be my clean house or manicured lawn. I don't get any brownie points for getting my list completed. I hope the day of my death is still far in the future, but when it does come, I hope I am remembered as someone who loved others and learned to sit quietly at the feet of my Savior. I want to live well today, so that one day I will also die well.

I had my radiology consult today, and it is more of the "hurry up and wait" process. My MRI is scheduled for next week. We had to wait several weeks post-op in order to get good results. I can't start radiation until we get that MRI report. If they find any other evidence of cancer, I may still need additional surgery and radiation cannot start until 8-12 weeks post-op. Additionally, if the scan show anything, chemotherapy will be back on the treatment plan as well. So, today I try to be okay with the waiting, and trust that God will meet me in the waiting.

Until Next Time~

Shari

Giving and Receiving

 You may have heard it said that it is more blessed to give than to receive, but is it?

We heard someone say that public speaking is people's number one fear, apparently a more common fear than death. So people would rather be the one in the coffin than the one giving the eulogy! I have never fact-checked this, but it is a funny reminder of how quirky humans can be.

I have just finished rereading a couple of books that are wonderfully practical if you want to be a good friend to someone going through something difficult. When I first read these books, I read them more from the perspective of being the friend that would be doing the helping, although I admit that my long journey through suffering has given me a unique perspective.

Now that I am navigating a breast cancer diagnosis and treatment, these books have me looking through a different lens. Thankfully, my treatment plan seems pretty minor compared to what it could be, but a cancer diagnosis is still very hard. I have been wrestling with the role of "giving and receiving" for years, but it has been in my thoughts all the time lately. 

If I am being honest, giving seems better to me, and easier too. I think most would say that they would prefer to be the one serving at or donating to the local food pantry or nursing home, rather than being the one receiving the help. Admitting you need some help can feel like a failure or weakness. Asking for a friend to lend a hand, especially if you are in a situation where you cannot do it for yourself, is very humbling. When you are the giver, there can be a sense of superiority. We help someone else, feel good about ourselves, and might be glad we aren't the one needing the help. When you are the receiver, there can be a loss of autonomy and independence.

I have a community of people who care about me and want to help. Helping others is a wonderful way to show the love of Christ to those who need care. Likewise, learning to let people help is also being Christlike, and a loving way to let people show care and concern for us. Giving people the chance to serve is a gift just like being willing to serve others is. Both the giver and receiver need to grow in grace and humility, always being careful not to overstep (i.e. the giver forcing help upon someone, or the receiver taking advantage of people's generosity). I am currently working through this pride that wants to not let me admit I need help, while honoring the fact that I am introverted and sometimes need space in my suffering. 

My prayer for us all is that we would learn to be faithful in serving while also letting others serve us. Even Jesus, who came to serve and not be served, who washed his disciples' feet, allowed Mary Magdalene to wash his feet with her hair. (Matthew 20:28 and Mark 10:45; John 12:3; John 3:1-17)

I have recommended these books for years, and your friend does not need to be diagnosed with cancer for the practical advice to be valuable! My prayer is that we all learn to be both good givers and receivers. These books can help us navigate being a better friend as we walk together through a hard providence.

1. Just Show Up: The Dance of Walking Through Suffering Together by Kara Tippetts and Jill Lynn Buteyn
2. Loving Your Friend Through Cancer: Moving Beyond "I'm Sorry" to Meaningful Support by Marissa Henley

Until Next Time~

Shari

Live Like You Were Dyin'

 Cancer is a scary word. The first two weeks after I received the phone call letting me know I had breast cancer were very hard, especially before we saw any specialists. You have to actively keep your mind busy, so you don't start going to worst case scenario, but you do start to think about death. Having faith doesn't mean that you are never scared, worried or have doubts, but like in many of the Psalms, we lament our current condition, pour our hearts out to God, and then let Him lift us up and remind us to praise Him in the midst of difficult news.

We are beyond grateful for the Lord's steadfastness in this hard providence and rejoice over all the good reports with my cancer being caught early. Yet I continue to wonder how I might live my life better; with the knowledge that death awaits us all.

In the words of the great philosopher, Tim McGraw, "Someday I hope you get the chance to live like you were dyin'." This year has started off with lots of changes- surgery, new diagnosis, first grandchild, change in job and church and an extended path of treatment ahead. The one common thread so far for me has been to consider more fully what I want to spend the rest of my life doing. 

I have seen this video about Ben Sasse mentioned many times this past week, so I finally watched it. This encapsulates so much of what I have been thinking about. We are all facing death but some people, like Ben, know it is coming very soon. What things are most important? How do we spend our time? Do we focus on things of temporary pleasure or eternal significance?

I haven't even entered the treatment phase for my breast cancer yet, but I already know God is working in my heart to redirect my affections toward Him and get me thinking more about how best to redeem however many more days that He will graciously provide. I pray we all get the chance to live like we were dyin' because we all are.

Until Next Time~

Shari

Roller Coaster

 Five weeks ago, I had surgery. 

Four weeks ago, I was told I had breast cancer. 

Three weeks ago, the oncologist told us it looked like good news: caught early and favorable tumor markers. We had a plan to get more testing and consultations with a surgeon and radiologist.

Two weeks ago, I began the last two weeks at my job, which I have loved, but I have a higher calling....

Last week, our first grandchild was born, and I will have the privilege of providing childcare for her in just a few short weeks. #bestjobever

Yesterday, my consultation with the surgeon provided more good news. The ultrasound of my lymph nodes looked good, so she will not do a biopsy of the nodes (it has some risk and will not change the game plan). We are waiting for some more tests, but I will be seeing the radiologist soon and have been cleared to begin radiaiton treatments. The surgeon reiterated that my cancer really is the best case scenario. Stage 1, non-aggressive, slow-growing, hormone positive (responds well to medication). She explained that the genetic mutation of the Bard1 gene that I have, put me in the hish-risk group to develop breast cancer, but now that it has happened, the risk of developing a different breast cancer drops to an average risk.

I still have radiation treatments to get through (not sure how long yet), anti-estrogen meds to take (5-10 years), and a lot of monitoring, tests, scans over the next few years, but they do not expect to find any more cancer beyond what was already removed, and put my long term survival rate at 98-99%. 

I am just beyond grateful for that surgery that caught this cancer so early!! Cancer can be so scary, but it sounds more like a short, rough patch instead of the longer "battle" I was gearing up for! Praise God for His mercy in this emotional roller coaster that has been 2026 so far!

Slowing Down

 Many of you have already heard the news from our oncology consult. No one wants to be diagnosed with breast cancer (or cancer of any kind), but we now know that the news seems to be about as positive as it can be at this point. So let me just start by saying PRAISE THE LORD!!

I spent two weeks waiting for this appointment and all we had been told was that I had lobular breast cancer. I did research a little bit about what was likely to be the course of treatment. I was nervous going into the appointment to hear the details, but actually felt ready for the battle that was ahead. The oncologist was great and spent over an hour with us. He explained everything they know for sure, and it really is best case scenario:

• I actually don't have true lobular breast cancer, but it is a mixed cancer, meaning it is invasive ductal carcinoma with lobular features. This means the cancer is easier to treat, and I will not need a mastectomy.
• He said that the cancer is only in the left breast, and that the changes in the right breast are more "cells that are behaving badly" and pre-cancerous changes, which the meds below will help take clear up before it becomes cancer.
• It is grade 1 which means it is not a fast growing cancer.
• The portion they found in the surgery was small, and although at this point we do not know if they got all the cancer in the first surgery, the doctor said chemotherapy would not be warranted in this case.
• The tumor is estrogen+, progesterone+ and HER2- which is all good news. An anti-estrogen medication for the next 5-10 years will be very effective at "starving" the cancer and help stop it from returning. These factors all indicate that treatment will be more effective. (including a low Ki-67 index which also indicated slow cancer growth)
  

Unfortunately, having had the surgery is a mixed bag. On the one hand, thank God I had the surgery and found this cancer so early! On the other hand, because of the surgery I am coming into the cancer diagnosis sort of backwards. The surgery is going to make testing and treament more difficult initially, and we will have to wait several weeks for full healing to happen in order to complete some next steps: 

• I have an ultrasound scheduled in two weeks to hopefully see any remaining areas of cancer in the left breast and to look at the lymph nodes.
• I have a consultation that same day with a surgeon to discuss how we can biopsy the lymph nodes. Normally they map the lymph nodes where the cancer is likely to spread, but the surgery has impacted the lymph system, and they can't do mapping any time soon. So, we will likely have to do anxillary lymph node dissection which is a bit more difficult and invasive as has some more risk.
• Next steps will be an MRI in mid-March to hopefully confirm if there is any cancer in either breast. I follow up with the oncologist about a week after that MRI.
• In the meantime, once I have had the ultrasound and surgical consult, the doctors will discuss my case and set me up with a radiation consultation. We are not sure I will need radiation, but because of the area of cancer and my age, the doctor thinks he would suggest we consider it for a better long term outcome.

I am so incredibly grateful for a community of people who have made us feel very loved. Your texts, cards, meals and more have been overwhelming in a very difficult season. Thank you all!

Until Next Time

~Shari

P.S. Grandbaby is due any day now, and we are over the moon excited! 

My Eyes Keep Leaking

Wednesday, January 21st at 10:08 am is the exact moment my world (and mind) started spinning. As soon as I heard the surgeon's voice on the phone I knew it was not good news, since there was no reason he would personally be calling. From that moment I was on the phone nearly constantly until almost 4:00pm calling our family and friends. It was exhausting emotionally, and there were so many tears.

Now that we are a couple of days out from that phone call, the tears still keep coming. There is so much grief, shock and uncertainty. I will be doing fine for a few hours, and then a thought sends me spiraling and more tears fall. I am not really much of a crier (or someone who "spirals"). I am definitely someone who wants ALL the information, up front, all at once, and then I am ready to deal with it...so this waiting period between that phone call and the February 4 oncology consultation feels unbearble.

I have had to deal with a lot of medical issues and unwelcome diagnoses, but hearing the word cancer hits you so much differently. Most of us know someone who has had cancer, or maybe you have gone through this journey yourself. Not every cancer diagnosis is the same, which leads to a lot of questions and fear, but because each case is so individual, I have opted to not google much about it besides some basic information. Rest assured, once my doctor has the full picture of my personal case, I will get ALL the details (and share them with you).

While I never thought this blog would become a medical journal to document my cancer journey, I have decided to use it for this purpose for the foreseeable future.

I will be sharing some of these updates on FB, but if you would like to read them all and not miss anything, enter your email over on the right column --> to subscribe and you will be emailed every time I journal some news.

Thank you all, seriously from the bottom of my heart, your response has been overwhelming! I feel loved and cared for and am so incredibly thankful. 💜

Until Next Time

~Shari

Being Brave

Last Tuesday, January 13, I underwent a difficult surgery. You know I am usually an over-sharer,  but this surgery seemed too private to share. I am writing to ask for prayer, as things have taken an unexpected and heart-breaking turn. So now I am going to be brave and speak about something that seemed embarassing, but has turned out to be a great blessing.

I am so thankful for God's timing and providential care. My doctor had suggested I consider a breast reduction that could help with my chronic neck and back pain. It took a lot of convincing (almost two years from first mentioning it, to seeking insurance approval). It has been a rough first week of recovery, filled with doubts about if I made the right decision, and then this morning the phone rang...

The surgeon just called to tell me the biopsy report found invasive lobular breast cancer in both breasts. The surgeon said thank God that he did this surgery, as my mammogram did not pick up anything this past September, and that we wouldn't have wanted this to go undetected until next fall.  He believes we caught it early, but there will be testing in my future. My initial oncology consultation is February 4th, but they will get me in sooner if there is a cancellation.

Please pray for me and Chad as we figure out next steps, and pray for our children and family as we all come to grips with this news. We balance this news with the great joy of expecting our first grandchild in the next couple of weeks, and pray for her uneventful and healthy arrival!

I appreciate your fervent prayers on our behalf.

Until Next Time

~Shari


P.S. If you have 12 minutes, this video explains the type of cancer I have, but also shows why it is so hard to find it on mammogram and ultrasound.