Opening A Can of Worms

I have hesitated writing about this particular subject, but now that I am a couple years out from the event, and with my current observations, I decided it was time. An alternative title might be "Grace and Education" since that is my hope....to educate, but also to extend grace to myself and others as we learn.

I have frequently pointed out issues to my friends that I have experienced as my disability has progressed. One example would be my disdain of the step-on garbage cans in handicapped bathrooms. HOW is someone in a wheelchair (or with no balance, no legs, or whatever) supposed to step on the foot pedal and open the garbage can to toss out the paper towels??? There are dozens of things like this that I have figured out as I go. I put these items in the category of "you don't know until you know". Nobody has a reason to think through all the scenarios that could arise, nor would we be able to think of ALL the possible differences, before we plan, design, or implement an idea. But, for the one person for whom the problem exists, it is a trouble spot. I run into these dilemmas many times a day.

I have tried to remember to extend grace to others, because I do know people want to help. People have generally responded well when I point out problem areas (although most of them don't change when I visit the location again). I am not a dogmatic disability activist, but I would like to lovingly help others to think through things they don't know until they know.

One of the things I have noticed as my disability has become more visible, is the look of pity that I get. I am sure most people don't even know they are doing it, but it is obvious when you're on the receiving end. Recently, I have ventured out alone to some stores, now that I have a van and am a little more independent. Times like these are when I notice the pity look the most. People rush over to hold doors, clear aisles, and the like, all while their face (and sometimes even their mouths) say "awww, poor thing." I am stubbornly independent, but I am also in pain, and starting to have trouble with my arm and hand strength so, in many ways, I am just thankful someone opened the door, or cleared the path, so I didn't have to struggle so much. However, there are many (perhaps even the majority) of people with a disability who are strong, capable, and independent. We do not need or want your pity, even when we could use your help. If I can turn this post into a learning experience, then the first lesson is that you should ask someone if they would like help. You wouldn't rush over to a able-bodied person, and grab the door out of their hand to open it the rest of the way, so don't do it to a person with a disability.

Basically, just treat all people the same. Easy peasy! Okay, not really. Everything we do is tainted by sin. Even our best efforts to help others are mixed with wrong motives. Many times I get the "pity look" as someone opens the door for me, and it is quickly followed by this look (or sometimes an explanation to a child) that says "I am so awesome for helping the poor, crippled woman." I try not to be oversensitive, or read things into a situation that aren't there. The truth is my response is tainted by that same sin nature. This all reminds me of an article I posted on FB a few years ago about "volun-tourism". We travel to a third world country, hug some orphans, hand out water and candy, build a home, and go on safari. It was pointing out our tendency to use a missions trip as a photo op. We go back home a week later with great photos and feeling good about ourselves for "helping those poor people". I have done this too, but we quickly go right back to our American life of excess, and the other people we just thought we "helped" have not had any actual change in circumstances.

(More useful tips and disability etiquette links are listed below. In addition, I added some info about the trend in volun-tourism, since they explain the issue much better than I do. Please take a few minutes and browse some of the highlights!)

This segue brings me to the story I haven't talked about. A few years ago, my husband and I attended a camp aimed at families who have a member with special needs. In a lot of ways, we probably went there with the volun-tourism mentality. We were going to go serve the families struggling with the pressures of dealing with special needs. We learned a lot about disability etiquette there for the first time. As a person with a disability, I was overwhelmed seeing families embraced, loved, and served by many volunteers. I wrote about my experience, and my growing pains, as God revealed ugly truths in my own heart. It was painful, and wonderful, all at the same time. This was also a week of learning to extend grace. If you know me, you know my middle name is Organization. Dealing with a dis-ability is not as hard for me as dealing with dis-organization. That old post shows how I struggled to find a spot to serve, or to help without making it about me. By the end of that week, I felt I had found my niche, and for the first time felt that I could be useful despite my disability. And then....

A year later we signed up to serve again, but we would end up never going back. Turns out that even an organization built on serving families with disability has trouble doing the one thing they talk about a lot: co-laboring. They are absolutely wonderful at making families feel loved and welcomed. Many of these families think this camp is the best week of the year, and we need more places like this! The trouble is that there is still a disconnect when it comes to the able-bodied people helping dis-abled people (or differently-abled, if you prefer).

Like any week of service or missions, we show up expecting to help and bless the less fortunate. Even if we don't want to think or talk about it, it shows in our faces, actions, words. When we went to sign back up to serve again at this camp, there were issues, many that I will not discuss publicly, but the one I will talk about is the fact that they asked me to return as a camper, not a volunteer. It was brought up that we could come as a family and be served, and relax for the week.

While this was super heartbreaking for me, because it was the one place I actually felt useful, but I don't bring this story up for that reason. I want to talk more about our tendency as humans to help others to feel good about ourselves, instead of helping people who need/want our help. It is not wrong to open a door for someone, but honestly, do you do that for everyone, or deep down do you think the person with a disability needs you to do it? Basically, I am asking you to truthfully evaluate if you treat people the same. This requires some soul searching and brutal honesty with yourself. I would venture to say that we all do this very thing. Whether it is physical, or intellectual, there are areas in our lives that we feel superior, even if that is not a thing we would say to someone. We have those moments of thinking we could do something faster, or figure something out better, than someone else.

What it boils down to actually, is the fact that we all need to be more aware of our motives, our sin, and remember that we all have strengths and weaknesses, but none of us wants someone else rushing over to "fix" our problem. We can come together, find a place where we can work shoulder to shoulder, utilizing each other's God-given strengths, and do so to the glory of God.

Missions and service projects are fantastic, and I am not trying to say to not do them. My point is more about really learning to co-labor, whether it is in the disabled community, or a village in Africa. Ask how or what you can do to help, and roll up your sleeves, side-by-side with the others, and work together. I want you to serve, but I mostly want you to understand that a week at a camp may not be the best way. Only you can prayerfully decide how and where to spend your time and gifts, but be intentional and educate yourselves before you do.

I am thinking of the old saying:

Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you feed him for a lifetime.

In order to truly do that though, you have to be willing to talk and listen. Find the areas in an individual's life where they could use your giftings, and show up. Opening a door for me at Kohl's might be just fine, but maybe what I really need is help with shopping. A meal might be great, but I may have a refrigerator full of food, and a dozen loads of dirty laundry. This type of service and love involves more. More knowledge, more love, more dying to your own interests, and looking more to the interest of others. It is not about feeling good about yourself, but about laying your life down in service to another. This all takes lots of grace, love, and forgiveness. It also takes time to educate yourselves. (Please check out some of the resources listed below)

I will finish with these words from Philippians 2:1-8:

"So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men.   And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross."

Until Next Time~
Shari


Resources:

Disability-

1. "Interacting With People With Disabilities"
2.  Etiquette and Language Tips
3. "Introduction to Disability Etiquette" 

Volun-tourism-

1. "The Reality of Voluntourism"
2. "The Business of Voluntourism"
3. "As Voluntourism Explodes In Popularity, Who Is It Helping The Most?"

(Please note this links are to outside resources, and all the information/views are not mine, but are provided here to educate you more on this topics.)

Faith at 49

Yesterday was my 49th birthday, but I don't feel a day over 80 though! 😁 I figured I would celebrate with a blog post since it has been a while.

In a lot of ways, my days have been pretty status quo, but there have been some new developments if I think a little harder. I have been continuing on my infusions of IVIg every other week. Besides being bored for 5 hours in the infusion center, there isn't much to report here. Thankfully the side effects have been minimal, but I am not convinced it is helping at all.

Subjectively I think I have been getting worse. My legs don't seem to want to follow my brain's commands, and seem to have more trouble walking. For sure the numbness, tingling and weakness in my hands and arms has been progressing. Due to this, I have had more issues navigating in my manual wheelchair, and yet I am using it more and more. We have an appointment on the 10th of June at Shirley Ryan Abilities Lab again to begin the process of getting a power wheelchair. Of course, with a power wheelchair, an accessible van is a necessity. (I should probably do a blog post on the expensive nature of a disability, since I think my husband works to pay for all my needs) I am excited though that the new power chair, and the van will make me more independent. I do miss shopping at an actual store (while online shopping is a blessing when you can't go somewhere, it just isn't the same, especially for clothing!)

About two weeks ago, I had an episode of nerve pain in both legs, that grew so bad that I had to rethink what I thought a 10/10 on the pain scale was (even after 2 kids and 20 kidney stones). This was hands down the worst pain I have ever felt, and it landed me in the ER. Thank God for strong drugs! They basically knocked me out for a couple hours, and I woke up feeling better. I was very worried that the pain would come back, or would be here to stay, and knew that there was no way I could handle that.

Even as that thought entered my mind, I wondered "what exactly do I mean?" Many of you have heard a story of someone who has gone through something horrible, or seemingly impossible, and thought "I could never do that!" But what happens when that same terrible accident or illness strikes you? In that moment, you might think along the same lines. I know I did lying in the ER bed: I can't do this, I cannot live in this much pain.  I understand feeling that way, but in reality we have no choice. It is not as simple as rewinding the clock to a time before the accident happened, or telling the doctor you decided not have the disease he just diagnosed you with.

It is in these moments that the rubber meets the road. Does all the talk about my faith mean anything? Do I really believe what I preach? My answer is a resounding YES! However, that does not mean that I never struggle or doubt. The pain is very real. There are many days I feel the reality of the fact that I am not strong enough to handle all of this, but it is also in those moments that God reminds me of His strength.

I know I have said this before, but the saying "God never gives you more than you can handle" is not in the Bible. What is true is that God never gives you more than HE can handle. He grows us in our faith, strengthens us, and allows us to persevere. It is only my lack of trust, my lack of faith, that in the midst of excruciating pain, I cry out to God and say "I can't!" Those words should be immediately be followed by, "but I know You can!"

This is not easy. Life is not easy (or even fair, for that matter), but every day is a blessing. Every day is a choice to dwell on all the things we can't do, or can't handle, or to dwell on the goodness and faithfulness of God. We thank Him, the giver and sustainer of life, for every second of every day that we are given to enjoy His creation, our families, our jobs, our friends or pets, or anything and everything you have in your life that you get to enjoy during our brief time here under the sun. Every breath is a blessing, even if it is a painful one. Be encouraged today, that even though you can't, He can!

Until Next Time~
Shari

Prayer requests:

• Please continue to pray for clear test results in September when we return to Mayo Clinic, so we can make decisions regarding my treatment going forward. 
• My liver enzymes have been elevated for the past couple months, please pray they return to normal.
• Pray for me to trust in God to provide all we need, whether it is about the cost of the van and everything I need, or the pain I am experiencing. I worry (more than I should), but know I should trust God, and am thankful He is teaching me to trust Him more. He has always provided, and I don't expect Him to stop now. I am thankful that Chad doesn't stress over this the way I do! We make a good team <3 
• Pray for the grant I applied for to help (hopefully) with some of the conversion costs of the van. That organization has my case on their agenda for their June meeting.

Dark Circles

Have you ever had that feeling like you are about to pass out? Dark circles envelop your vision, blackness closing in. This seems like a decent analogy of my life currently. Darkness seems overwhelming at times, closing in from every side. I feel like I might "pass out" as I lose the light in my vision. The last several years have been difficult (that might be putting it mildly), but this past year has definitely hit an all time low. My health has continued to decline and the accompanying chronic pain has been overwhelming. Medical treatments and side effects are exhausting. I have spent a LOT of time sitting with a heating pad or ice pack, and zoning out in front of a screen. I haven't done much art, or cleaning, or even leaving the house. I have missed a lot of Sunday morning worship services. Due to my accessibility needs, we switched churches in December of 2017, which combined with my recent spotty attendance record, has made it difficult for me to feel connected. I have lost friends, been unable to do things I love, and gained weight. Any one of these things would be enough to deal with, but all together, I feel alone and surround with darkness.

Disability and suffering are often isolating. When I do go out, I put on a smile, and try not to turn every conversation into a gripe fest of how bad I feel. So instead, I try to love others and ask about their lives. Listening is one of the first things I have learned this past year. As I have spent more and more time alone, stuck in the house, and wishing for someone to talk to, I have learned how valuable a listening ear is! In today's electronic world, it is a rarity to find someone that stops, makes eye contact, and actually pays attention. I am SO very thankful for those friends I have that are willing to do this, and hope I can do the same for others.

I have also learned some things (of the not so pleasant variety) about myself. I have put too much worth on friendships, letting hurt creep in when those relationships fell apart. I am reminded of my own words about managing my expectations of others. In truth, I should be seeking Christ. Wanting a deeper fellowship with Him. Going to Him in prayer, and with my concerns, worries, and pain. Not that friends aren't deeply valued! A good friend is a rare jewel. They can rebuke and encourage us. They help carry our burdens. But we must also remember they are sinful humans, just like us. Christ alone is the "friend that sticks closer than a brother" (Proverbs 18:24), and to Him alone should we look to truly fulfill that need for acceptance and love.

Besides feeling super crummy, gaining back a lot of the weight I lost back in 2013-2014 has added to my frustration and encroaching depression. This issue has also got me thinking about my beliefs on weight, self image, and food. Yes, I do feel worse when my clothes don't fit. My blood pressure is high again, so there is a real health concern, but if we get down to the brass tacks, I want to be thin to "look good." Our culture pushes this agenda, and I have bought in hook, line, and sinker!

I have been going through the book Idols of the Heart by Elyse Fitzpatrick again, and there are plenty of idols coming out of my little "idol making factory" as John Calvin describes our hearts. One more lesson to be learned in all of this darkness.

We want what we want. What we shouldn't have for reasons perhaps unknown to us. We desire that which we think will make us happy: friends, thin bodies, perfect health, no pain, etc. The list goes on and on seemingly forever. It is very difficult, if not impossible, to bear up under the weight of all these things. The dark circle surround us, and just like my analogy about the feeling of passing out, just about the time we think our entire vision is going to go black, and we will most definitely pass out, a tiny light in the center of our vision starts to shines through. Slowly, the center light grows, and chases back the black circle that had threatened to overtake us.

In those moments, I am reminded of 1 Corinthians 4:8-9

"We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; 

perplexed, but not driven to despair; 

persecuted, but not forsaken; 

struck down, but not destroyed"

This is where my hope is found, in Christ, the Light of the World. Just when I think I can't take any more, as I lie alone begging for mercy, wondering if the pain will ever end, asking Him if He is listening, if He even cares, that small dot of light emerges in the distance. As I begin to focus on it, it grows larger and brighter. That is not because God finally showed up, or decided to intervene, but simply because I wasn't focused on the light. I began to focus on the overwhelming blackness. I started to believe He doesn't care, or isn't listening. I begin to believe it will never end. I start to focus on my symptoms and circumstances, and lose sight of my Savior, and His truth. But then, I hear God's still small voice prompting me to remember what is true. God tells us many places in His Word that He will not leave us or forsake us. That is the truth. God never left me, his Light was there all along, I just chose to focus on the darkness. I missed His tender mercy in a card from a faithful friend, because I was thinking instead of the friends I lost. I failed to see the simple joy God brought to my days by way of a little 12-lb dog, and looked only to my feelings of loneliness.

I am not trying to minimize the struggle. I am suffering. I am miserable. This is all very hard. I know you hurt too. I am simply trying to remind you (and myself) to stop focusing on the black circles closing in around us, and focus on the light instead. Keep your eyes fixed upon Christ! (Hebrews 12:2). Be grateful for the faithful friend, or that tiny rescue dog! That is how we give thanks to God in all circumstances, like Paul tells us in 1 Thessalonians 5:18. We start to change our focus to God's blessings, and stop making the pain and disappointment the center of our world. We aren't thankful for the pain and suffering, but we can be thankful to God, even on the worst of days, for His loving care. 

I am thankful that God has been gently revealing the sin in my heart, and for His forgiveness. I am thankful that I am learning to trust Him more, even on those days when I cry out like the child's father did in Mark 9, "Lord I believe, help my unbelief!" Remember to give thanks for His Son, the Savior of our souls, who also knew the pain of suffering and isolation. The One who suffered all of that in our place. 

We used to joke that the light at the end of the tunnel was a train, and some days it still feels like that! I pray we can all look down that tunnel of blackness, and see a small light in the distance, and then draw near to that Light! Keep searching and clinging to the One who preserves our souls, and I know the darkness will fade, even if the suffering continues. That is the truth for all who are in Christ Jesus! Will you choose to cling to the Light, or continue in the darkness?

Until Next Time~

Shari

Friends

I woke up this morning with some old song lyrics playing in my head. Not sure if many of you were Whodini fans back in the day, but these were the words I heard this morning on auto repeat upon waking:

"Friends

How many of us have them?

Friends

Ones we can depend on 

Friends

How many of have them

Friends

Before we go any further, let's be

Friends"

Now, you may very well think this is a weird thing to be thinking as soon as my eyes open before 6 am, but for me, my brain is either fully asleep or going 100 mph, so this is normal for me! Friendship has been on my mind a lot lately. I have been thinking back over my life and about the people who have come and gone. I have been trying to define what friendship is, and what reasonable expectations I should have.

I was born in 1970, and grew up in a different era. An era where "screen time" wasn't a term. If we watched TV at all, it was one of a half dozen channels, tuned in with a rabbit ear antenna. It was also live TV. If you weren't home in front of the television on a Friday night, you didn't get to see who shot J.R. We also didn't wear bike helmets (the first car I can remember that we had, didn't even have seat belts in the back seat). During the summer, I would be up and outside early in the morning, shortly after my single mom left for work, and would return only to grab food or for a bathroom break, and not be back until dinner. We didn't have cell phones, and while I can't say with certainty, I don't think my mom worried about where I was. Being out with friends all over the neighborhood was normal. We would ride our bikes a couple miles to the convenient store and buy candy and pop. I was truly a latch-key kid. I walked to kindergarten alone, with a key strung on a piece of yarn around my neck. I left for school when the Bozo show was over, and returned back home almost 2 hours before my mom got back from work. Lots of things were different back then.

It was also an age when abuse or bullying were not readily recognized or dealt with. I have written about my back story a few times, and if you are interested in the details, just go back to the first few blog posts I ever wrote. For the sake of today's discussion about friends, I will just summarize by saying that I came from a broken home, where abuse occurred. The impact of this on me at a very young age, by the people closest to me, was that I withdrew. As a young grade school age kid, I struggled to make sense of the world. I was small in stature, and painfully shy. The kind of shy where you sit in a corner, don't speak, and are on the verge of crying or vomiting when the teacher calls your name. I had trouble making friends, which would be a theme throughout my childhood. I did best one-on-one, and had a close friend or two at a time.  I was not athletic, and some would probably say clumsy. School came easy for me, without studying, and I was always the first one done with every test. This became a game I played to see how fast I could complete the test, but to some degree a necessity. I was bullied, and those same kids would want to copy the answers off my worksheets and tests. What I learned at home from the abuse was that saying no was not acceptable. You did what was asked of you, and were not given a choice. I did not want to let people copy my work, but was too timid to say no. My solution, was to be super fast, and run the paper up to the teacher's desk as soon as I could, and sheepishly apologize for not being able to "help."

I can't deny that all of these experiences shaped who I am. While I believe that we are born with natural talents and personality traits, our experiences and upbringing impact those things drastically some times. I had trouble trusting people. My experience was that people let you down, hurt you, and abandon you. I found people difficult to understand. I liked things to fit in a neat little (controllable) box, and people were none of those things. They were complicated and impossible to figure out. I felt like everyone else got a manual on navigating social circles, and I never got to read it. People were exhausting. I learned that I could only trust myself, and no one else. So I started building walls to keep others out.

As the years past, I realized that even the few people you let into your inner circle will turn on you to help themselves, share your darkest secrets to increase their social standing or drop you like a hot potato when it is to their advantage. As I began junior high, I became acutely aware of the fact that I was from a poor, black neighborhood. This was a fact that I had not understood up until this point. It was normal to me, and I never dreamed that my white "friends" would shun me for being different. I didn't fit in to the rich, white, preppy club, and those two years were such a struggle, that it would change the course of my life.

I spent a lot of time alone, and when I did talk to anyone, it was the neighbors that I knew. The wall I had built around myself became higher and thicker. I was determined to never let anyone hurt me again. I got angry, and instead of sheepishly saying yes, when I wanted to say no, I became ready to fight with anyone, at a moments notice. As newer families moved into our apartment complex, I met more and more of them, and quickly found that becoming part of their group provided me with fast friends. The trouble was that the apartments had become an area for the gang named "black gangster disciples". I wanted to belong very badly to a group, especially one that hated the clique that had shunned me. The gang was more than willing to include me. I then got involved in drugs and stealing, and fighting.....lots of fighting. All of this was to make and keep "friends."  By this time, I used people to achieve what I needed. I was fairly intelligent, and would use that to my advantage to get people to do what I wanted. My issues with saying no continued though, and lead to to do things I didn't want to do still. I was a broken mess, who still found social events to be exhausting. People were a jigsaw puzzle with so many missing pieces that I could never solve it.

Chad can testify to my short fuse back when we met (1989). Throughout the early 90's, I was a ticking time bomb on the verge of killing someone for looking at me funny. I was willing to fight with anyone, anywhere, at any time. In my early 20's, I had Chad, and my two kids, and no real friends to speak of. I was out to prove I didn't need anyone, even Chad knew he was expendable. (love you honey!)

This is where I was when God entered the picture in 1998. Now, just over 20 years since I became a Christian, and am happy to report that He is still working feverishly in my heart to correct all these wrong and sinful attitudes. It began by Him graciously showing me my sinfulness. when it came to wrong thoughts about people. God showed me that I am not independent, and not in control of my life. Slowly, very slooowwwllllyyyyyy, God has torn down the wall I spent years building (the dust is still settling). He has really convicted me that others are "created in His image" (Genesis 1:27), and when I would start going back to old thought patterns (thinking people are exhausting, not worth the effort, to be kept at arm's length, or just obstacles to be stepped over and manipulated to get what I want) the Holy Spirit is quick to let the rooster crow and show me my sin. This has been a long road, and this journey still continues. It is hard to change so many years of history that has shaped the essence of who I have become, actually it is impossible apart from Christ. It has been painful at times, as sanctification is never a pleasant experience. I will be the first to admit that making friends still isn't easy for me. People can be needy and unkind. Most times I still find socializing exhausting. I spend a lot of time in prayer trying to set reasonable expectations of others, wanting to be vulnerable and open with others, and figuring out how to meet the needs of others while setting healthy boundaries.

When God first started this process, I began to realize that my definition of "friendship" was all wrong, all worldly. Friends were the people in my life I expected to meet every demand, always have my back, and love me unconditionally, all while I invested very little of my own energy doing the same. Like a self-fulfilling prophecy, I set myself up to prove my hypothesis that people were untrustworthy, and would stab you in the back the first chance they got. As I studied God's word, He lead me to passages like these:

"A friend loves at all times." (Proverbs 17:17)

A sweet friendship refreshes the soul." (Proverbs 27:9)

"Love one another." (Romans 12:10)

"Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others." (Philippians 2:4)

"He who withholds kindness from a friend forsakes the fear of the Almighty." (Job 6:14)

"Bear one another's burdens." (Galatians 6:2)

"Encourage one another and build one another up." (1 Thessalonians 5:11)

"Serve one another." (1 Peter 4:10)

"Do to others as you would have then do to you." (Luke 6:31)

"...that we may be mutually encouraged by each other's faith." (Romans 1:12)

"Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.' (Proverbs 27:17)

"And this commandment we have from him: whoever loves God must also love his brother." (1 John 4:21)

"Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends." (John 15:13)

"Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity." (Colossians 3:12-14)

Scripture turns my definition on its head! Friends are not put into our lives to do our bidding, or meet our needs. Friends are are a blessing from God. People who choose to love us, because God loves us. God commands us to love and serve others. Yes, friendships take work, and it requires that we die to our own selfish desires. It is an intentional choice to love someone, not because we want something in return, but in response to what Christ has already done.

Friends are a gift that are placed in our lives to help encourage our faith, to correct and rebuke us, and to carry our burdens, as we carry theirs. A friend is not just a person who agrees with you, or is easy to talk to. Each brother and sister in Christ, each of our neighbors, every person who tries talking to us n line at the grocery store, are all opportunities to show Christ's love to others. We can create true friendships, built upon a firm foundation with God and His Word as it's base. We are only able to love and forgive others, because we have been loved and forgiven by God. We recognize God's image in the face of others, even those who are different than we are. Yes, even those who are "weird" or difficult or hard to love.

God is graciously continuing His work in me. I have a long way to go in this area. I still tend to be exhausted (mentally and physically) after social events. My self-righteousness still rears its ugly head when I walk away from interactions wondering why someone didn't ask about me. The Lord is quickly making the theme of 2019 "it isn't about me." Another painful, but necessary sanctifying lesson to be learned. I pray that God would show each of you your sinfulness, and your desperate need of a Savior. I pray He opens your eyes to the people around you, that maybe you tend to overlook. Those who were all created in His image, and could use a true friend. The kind that sticks closer than a brother (Proverbs 18:24), not because you want something from them, but because you love God so much that His love bubbles up and pours over onto others. May He gently remind us all that this life is not about us, but it is about Him.

Until Next Time~
Shari

Good Grief

Grief is a part of life. We grieve the loss of a loved one. We can also grieve the loss of what might have been. The loss of hopes and dreams. We all go through times of grief for things like this. Maybe an injury kept you off the baseball team that you thought would be your future. Maybe it is finding out your child will have special needs, and their future goals may be learning to walk or talk, instead of being the CEO of a fortune 500 as you had hoped. We grieve the dissolution of a marriage, or a child who wanders away from the faith. There are likely hundreds (thousands even) of scenarios that cause us to suffer a loss of some kind, and result in us grieving.

Grief can be necessary and even good. Grief is a natural human emotion, and a process that is as natural as living and dying. Grief can also be bad. It can be a state we enter into and never leave. We can linger too long and let sadness, anger, denial, and bitterness rule our hearts. There is a sinfulness in dwelling in grief too long, however, dealing with grief can be helpful as we come to acceptance, embrace the truth, and move passed it. This is not to say that there is not still a hurt, or a void left behind by the loss, because there frequently will be, especially if our loss is that of a cherished significant other.

Reflecting on all my recent news, I realized all the grieving that I have done, and am still doing. When I first had surgery in September 2009, doctors had hoped that they could remove the tumor from the nerve, and I would not have any ill effects. My surgery that day lasted 8 hours. Just moments after waking up enough to realize where I was, or even who I was, my mother blurted out that the doctors had to remove 7 inches of my femoral nerve. They took a portion of nerve from my inner thigh and tried to reroute it to make my thigh continue to work, but doctors weren't hopeful, and it could take up to 12 months to let the nerve heal and see where we end up. I remember bursting into tears as I heard what I considered to be worst case scenario. I also remember Chad (my husband) saying to my mother that they were going to wait a little while to tell me. My mother was never good at keeping secrets :)

After that surgery, it took me weeks to just sit up in bed for more than a minute or two. I had 3 incisions, each 8-12 inches in length. I had been completely disemboweled during surgery to get to the spine and nerve so they could find the tumor and remove it. It was by far the roughest, most painful thing I have ever been though. Those weeks were very sad, and very difficult. There was a lot of grief and even more tears. Gradually I started to feel better, my stubborn attitude kicked in, and I was determined to get better. The doctors weren't sure I would even be able to walk, but I did. Within a few months I walked without any help. First I used a walker, then a cane, then I just walked, although I wore leg brace the first year that kept my left leg locked in a straight position. I even got back to a fairly fast walking pace, and went on regular walks. I hobbled around on a tennis court, hopping on one good leg and playing couples tennis with some friends of ours. I rock climbed, and kayaked, and got a recumbent bike so I could still ride with my family.

I grieved of what might have been, while realizing there were some things I could never do again, no matter how determined I was. During this time, several friends and family members started jogging (something I had tried for years to get a few of them to do). They really enjoyed the runner's high. Running is something I cannot do ever again. It is not physically possible to run, jump, or kick with no quadriceps muscle. So I grieved.

There were more surgeries to try to return function to my leg. Surgery to help my knee pain that happened because my leg didn't work properly. Surgery because the first surgery caused painful scar tissue to form a neuroma (nerve mass). Surgery to fix a pinched nerve in my right leg because of my change in gait. And there was pain, so much pain. Pain from the surgery. Pain from the resulting issues. Pain from my neck and back that had a previous issue, but were now being contorted in an unnatural position as I tried to swing a dead leg forward and walk. There were plenty of things to grieve. Then, a team of doctors and orthotists at RIC (now Shirley Ryan Abilities Lab) that worked to get me a lighter weight leg brace, that bent went I walked. I kept walking. I worked out. I pushed and pushed, and after sitting on the side lines for 2 years, I joined my family and a group of spectacular friends, and did a 10 mile Tough Mudder obstacle course.

This whole process has been a roller coaster. Lots of waiting and seeing how things will turn out. I have had to grieve, let go of things, evaluate the new circumstances and change course. As Chad likes to say, we "adapt, improvise, and overcome." That is exactly what we have done every step of the way. We cry. We brainstorm a new trajectory, and we move forward. We move through the grief, and work hard not to get stuck in it.

Now we have circled back around. Now as I sit here and type, I am grieving the loss of my "tumor". I have been thinking all this time, that in 2004 when symptoms first appeared, it was due to the tumor they found in 2009. For 14 years, I have been dealing with my "tumor" and all it involves. All the ups and downs, the surgeries, the tears and pain. So, when I first felt symptoms in my right leg in 2011, I felt fear. I was scared that the tumor had returned. I was afraid I would lose the use of my right leg that had been doing most of the work since 2009. Then we learned it was something different. A mystery neurological disease that was unrelated to the rare nerve tumor I had. I grieved some more. It seemed that lightening had struck twice. I now had 2 different problems that both had a very rare occurrence rate, which made finding solutions difficult as no one really knew how to help. I grieved the unknown, and gradual loss of feeling and strength in my "good" leg.

Now in 2018, I am grieving the loss of the "tumor" I thought existed. I now have to wrap my brain around the fact that I have had a progressive neurological disease for 14 years. I never had a tumor, or 2 diagnoses, it's just been one all along. I cannot begin to adequately describe all the poking and prodding, the appointments, testing, waiting, the cost of all of this (emotional, physical and financial). Today I have to grieve my past and my future. I have to deal with the reality of my new diagnosis, which can be a difficult disease. It is rare enough that they cannot really give me a specific prognosis timeline, or treatment plan that works for everyone. They know what has helped some other people, and they hope it will work for me.

Eventually, we all need to move on so we don't get stuck, but today I will just grieve. I know I will continue to fight, it's what I do. I don't take bad news lying down, I get up and consider it a challenge to rise above. Unfortunately, with all the above events, my fight doesn't pack the punch it once did. I grieve that too. Today I will grieve. Tomorrow I will adapt, improvise, and overcome.

With God's grace, we will continue to get through this, one day at at time. He will faithfully strengthen us for each day ahead. Graciously, the Lord has kept Chad and I together as a unit, lock step, through all the ups and downs. I couldn't be more grateful to my Savior for His amazing grace! To God alone be the glory!

What are you grieving today? How will you adapt, improvise, and overcome tomorrow?

Until Next Time~
Shari

Constant Sorrows

Have you ever knocked over a glass of milk? You watched it tip in almost slow motion, as it runs all over the floor, and soaks everything nearby. How did you respond? On a typical day, you may very well feel a mild annoyance, and rush to clean it up.

Now, have you ever had one of those days when your 2 year old is throwing a temper tantrum and while dealing with that, you burned breakfast? Maybe at that exact moment, your 5 year old is yelling your name from another room. You know, the kind of scream that makes your heart sink, and you instinctive realize that they are hurt. At the very second you rush to their aid (now trying to ignore that tantrum of your toddler, and the charcoal remains of your meal) the phone rings. It is suddenly so loud, and you feel you may explode. You are still hurrying to help your child when you bump a glass of milk, knocking it over, and it splashes everywhere. How do you respond in this scenario? Do you feel overwhelmed? Is anger welling up from within? Do you drop to the ground, scoop up the hurt child and just start sobbing because it all seems like too much?

I have been dealing with a lot lately. It seems like every day is the latter of the two scenarios. It isn't just the small glass of spilled milk that makes me want to drop to my knees in prayer and weep. By itself, I can deal with the pain in my neck and back. I can cope with the allergies, or migraines. Normal days make the nerve pain doable. Numbness, or loss of balance and falling, are each things I can accept. We still have some unanswered questions from Mayo. All the waiting and the unknown causes me to ponder various options and outcomes, the "might-bes" and "could-have-beens" often late at night when I am not able to sleep because of pain.

My life isn't special or unique. The majority of us deal with hundreds of small things on a daily basis. We all have to decide how we respond to the overturned glass of milk. We all have moments when we want to just curl into a ball and cry. I just started reading a new devotional book that encourages prayer and the reading of the Psalms. Thousands of years ago, King David felt sorrow over many things too. The Psalms are both a raw expression of emotion, and an encouragement from our Lord at the same time.

Psalm 77 is titled in the ESV as "In the Day of Trouble I Seek the Lord" and begins in verse 1 with:

"I cry aloud to God,

aloud to God, and he will hear me."

It has rained several times recently. The dark and dreary days feels as if they go on forever. They make me feel sad and like not doing anything. On the longest of days, when everything I am dealing with seems to occur at the exact same moment, and I don't think I can go on....I cry aloud to God, and He hears me. In the darkness, and in the pain....I cry aloud to God, and He hears me. On sunny days, when life seems ok, and all I am dealing with is one glass of spilled milk.....I cry aloud to God, and He hears me. 

I want you to know you are not alone, even when you feel like it. On days when you feel like you can't go on, or when the rain just won't stop, God has promised His people that He hears their cries. Our feelings betray us. The devil would like us to believe we cannot go on, and that we are alone. He tries to separate us from right fellowship with God and His people. We cannot trust our feelings and perceptions, but we can trust God's Word.

There is someone else besides you and me that knew this very well, that is Jesus. Isaiah 53:3-5 tells us that:

"He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief."

Jesus knows sorrow and grief. He can empathize with whatever we are going through, and will help us to endure it (1 Corinthians 10:13). He knows far greater sorrow than we can ever know. As he prepared to go to the cross, he cried out in prayer to God the Father, and asked that this cup might be taken from him. Yet, Jesus knew he must go forward. He must go to the cross, to his death. Jesus knows the cup cannot be taken from him, and he prays for God's will to be done, and trusts Him fully to accomplish His plans. Jesus took our sins upon himself at the cross, with the result being his separation from God (Matthew 27). In those moments, Jesus knew a far greater pain than we are going through.

Some days it is easy to dismiss all of this by saying, "Yeah, but Jesus is God, of course he could do it. I really can't handle all of this." You are correct, you cannot. Jesus trusted God, and so must we. Will we do so perfectly? No, but we make a choice to trust God, and His Word. We ask him for help, and cry aloud to Him. We can know He will hear us, even when our minds tell us He will never listen. The truth is, we frequently have to deal with more than we can handle, but never more than God can handle. If we will turn to Him in faith and repentance, God is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and He will also extend each of us the grace we need to get through each day.

So, yes, there have been a few tears lately, a few moments of feeling alone. There are times when I hear depression knocking on my door and I am tempted to answer. In those moments, the Psalms have really helped me to grieve, while still praising God. This new book has been a great reminder to pray. I know God hears me. I am never alone.

Until Next Time~

Shari

P.S. If you are interested in the book I mentioned it is Prayers of the Bible: 366 Devotionals to Encourage Your Prayer Life by Gordon Keddie.

Letting Pain Be Our Guide

If you have ever been sick, or injured or have dealt with any physical ailment, like me, you have probably had a conversation with your doctor about what activities are safe to do. I have had this discussion multiple times in an effort to determine which activities are safe and which will bring more pain or damage. Almost without exception I hear these words, "Let pain be your guide." As I was pondering those words this morning, I decided this was much better advice than I first thought.

All of us, as fallen human beings, know the pain this life brings. Sometimes it is a literal, physical pain; other times, it is more subtle- the pain of rejection, heartbreak, grief, disappointment, bitterness. Pain reminds us that we are mortal. Pain tells us we are weak and frail. Pain screams to us that this life is temporary. Pain constantly whispers in our ear that there are consequences, both physical and emotional, that this sinful world brings. Pain points us to that Future Hope that is without pain.

We cannot escape pain in this world, but we can learn to let it be our guide. Let pain guide you to the cross. Let pain guide you to your knees in prayer. Let pain guide you to the Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, for He alone can bring true relief.

Are you letting pain be your guide, or are you still ignoring it?

Never Good Enough

We all struggle with feelings of inadequacy at times. Maybe we have trouble keeping up with others in sports. We may find it takes us longer to “catch on” to something new than it does our co-workers. Whatever it is we face, there will always be someone better, faster, or stronger.

Similarly, we all struggle with sin. We think we have an issue under control only to see it rear its ugly head again when we least expect it. We look around at others in church and they seem to have it all together. If only I could be more giving, patient, kind, etc. (fill in the blank). If only I could be more like whoever (fill in the name).

The truth is we are all sinners. We all struggle with sin, every day. None of us really have it “all together.” We are unable to perfectly fulfill the law of God. The Bible tells us that “The law was our tutor to bring us to Christ, that we might be justified by faith” (Galatians 3:24). The Law of God teaches us that we are sinful, that we can never be “good enough.” We cannot earn His favor. No matter how hard we try or how much we do.

The challenge today is to look to Christ as an example of the standard to strive towards, and stop looking at everyone around you. Repent of your sin, confess your utter dependence upon Him and need for His help, and know, that despite the fact you aren’t good enough, if you are truly His, you are forgiven. Now that is good enough!