Another Fork in the Road

 You may have realized by now that I never do anything the easy way! I had to stop taking the second medication because of difficult side effects. After a lot of research and discussing everything with my doctor, we have decided to try another medication. The meds they want me to take will help stop the breast cancer from returning, although it is no guarantee.

There are 3 drugs classified as aromatase inhibitors, which basically rid your body of all the estrogen and starve the cancer cells. I will start the exemestane this weekend (after my scheduled Friday colonoscopy). The risk/reward ratio is substantial enough to give it a try. If I experience adverse side effects again we will stop this medicine also, and move on to one last similar drug.

Tamoxifen has been around much longer than the above mentioned aromatase inhibitors. Tamoxifen is in a class of drugs called selective estrogen receptor modulators (SERMs). It works differently. It binds to estrogen receptors and blocks the hormone from fueling cancer cell growth. My mother took this medication back in the late 1990's.

I will try exemestane first and stop it if I run into problems again (I will know within two weeks). If I need to, I will start the Tamoxifen and do the same two-week trial. If I cannot tolerate either of these, then I will be carefully monitored, and if the cancer returns, they will recommend doing the double mastectomy at that point.

I am still managing one day at a time. It is well with my soul. I am enjoying every minute with my granddaughter. Life is pretty good, even in the midst of these trials. Glory be to God!

Until Next Time~

Shari

Resting...Sort Of

 Hello! I thought it was time to update how I am doing. Tomorrow will be 3 weeks since I finished radiation, and the fatigue is lingering longer than I would like, but my skin has really healed up. I am moving in the right direction! I started the anti-estrogen medication (Letrozole) two days ago, and so far, I don't have any side effects. 

Now that the hard part is over, I think this next season will be one of resting. If you know me, you know resting is not easy for me. I tend to keep pushing through to get things done, but that isn't the best idea right now as I let my body heal, so I keep on trying to learn to just R-E-S-T.

This past week, I started my new gig as full time grandma providing childcare. Nothing helps you slow down a little like an 11-week-old baby that likes being held. 😁 My cancer diagnosis has really helped me to think more about how I spend my time, and what is truly important. Holding my sweet grandchild is way better than to-do list, social media scrolling, and other busyness that draws us away from the better things.

So, my current prayer is that I learn to just rest, not only physically, but keep learning to more fully rest in Christ. He did all the work, so that I could enter His rest, and I pray also that you are able to do that as well.

Until Next Time~
Shari

I will leave you with the lyrics to the hymn: Jesus, I am Resting, Resting

Jesus, I am resting, resting

in the joy of what thou art;

I am finding out the greatness

of thy loving heart.

Thou hast bid me gaze upon thee,

as thy beauty fills my soul,

for by thy transforming power,

thou hast made me whole.

Refrain:

Jesus, I am resting, resting

in the joy of what thou art;

I am finding out the greatness

of thy loving heart.

O how great thy loving-kindness,

vaster, broader than the sea!

O how marvelous thy goodness

lavished all on me!

Yes, I rest in thee, Beloved,

know what wealth of grace is thine,

know thy certainty of promise

and have made it mine. [Refrain]

Simply trusting thee, Lord Jesus,

I behold thee as thou art,

and thy love, so pure, so changeless,

satisfies my heart;

satisfies its deepest longings,

meets, supplies its ev'ry need,

compasseth me round with blessings:

thine is love indeed. [Refrain]

Ever lift thy face upon me

as I work and wait for thee;

resting 'neath thy smile, Lord Jesus,

earth's dark shadows flee.

Brightness of my Father's glory,

sunshine of my Father's face,

keep me ever trusting, resting,

fill me with thy grace. [Refrain]

Still A Valley Girl

 I grew up in the 80's, like totally. You may know what a valley girl is. The term originated from the San Fernando Valley in California, and it filtered all the way to this midwestern girl in the Chicago suburbs. The 80's were totally tubular!

I was thinking of how I was, like, a valley girl, like, in high school. I started to think that I am still very much a valley girl today, but in a much different way.

When we talk about going through a valley in our life, we tend to think of a cold, dark place of isolation and loneliness and, frequently, even pain. However, if I were to tell you that Chad and I took a vacation to the Grand Canyon, and spent a week camping out in the valley, it might seem fun and exciting! We would face challenges, even difficult ones, but overall, I think our experience would be positive. We may struggle to find food or start a fire. Outdoor bathrooms and tents might be dirty and uncomfortable.  The rough terrain could make hiking down into the canyon and back out quite a lot of work.

I would like to think that our time there, together, would also be one of rest and closeness. Being alone with someone for a long period can really bring you closer. Our journey through life, even when difficult, can be very much like this.

God tells us that He is with us in the valley, and we need not fear (Psalm 23). While the valley can be challenging and unpleasant at times, it can also be a place of refreshment for the weary and communion with God. 

I am definitely still a valley girl, as I have spent quite a lot of the last few years feeling like I am at the bottom of the Grand Canyon. I am thankful for a God who is there with me, One who allows me graciously to see the beauty in the canyon's sides as I look up towards heaven. I have found some of the sweetest times of fellowship with the Lord comes in those moments when I am camped out at the bottom, seemingly alone.

This past year has gone remarkably well, and I am so grateful for the lessons I have learned in the valley. I pray that 2024 continues to be a year filled with less pain and fewer trials, but even if it isn't, I know that God will be by my side strengthening and guiding me as I look once again to climb out of the valley.

 

Happy New Year to you all! Keep looking up to the One who holds all who are His in His hands, and never lets them fall.(Jude 1:24-25; Isaiah 49:16)

I will leave you with one of my favorite songs. "If You Want Me To" by Ginny Owens.

Until Next Time

~Shari

My Familiar Friend

 Suffering and I are well acquainted. Chronic pain has been my almost constant companion since 1998, when I first began having symptoms, and although it has changed in placement and intensity over the years, it has rarely left my side. I have read a LOT of books on suffering and what the Bible has to say about it, especially ones that help teach me to suffer well. While I still cry out to God in pain and plead for mercy and healing at times, my more consistent prayer has been that I might suffer well. Above all I want to suffer in a way that brings glory to God, and draws me nearer to Him. 

Chronic pain is difficult, and I would not wish it on anyone. It is definitely not something I wanted, but without a doubt God has graciously used it in my life. I have learned to appreciate more of the little things, love others with greater sympathy, and trust God more fully. It is not the healthy person who seeks a doctor, but the sick. My illness has caused me to seek God more intentionally, more often, and with greater urgency than I would otherwise have done. He has answered those prayers in many ways, though often not in ways I had hoped.

I have noticed this week that my Bible study, random FB scrolling, and a book I am reading have all been great reminders on the ways God has answered those prayers. I am sure you have all had similar experiences when everything you seem to hear and read go together as if God is trying to get your attention on that topic. A couple weeks ago, as I was working through Colossians with a dear friend, we were confronted with the final verses of chapter 1:

"Now I rejoice in my sufferings for your sake, and in my flesh I am filling up what is lacking in Christ's afflictions for the sake of his body, that is, the church, of which I became a minister according to the stewardship from God that was given to me for you, to make the word of God fully known, the mystery hidden for ages and generations but now revealed to his saints. To them God chose to make known how great among the Gentiles are the riches of the glory of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory. Him we proclaim, warning everyone and teaching everyone with all wisdom, that we may present everyone mature in Christ. For this I toil, struggling with all his energy that he powerfully works in me." (verses 24-29)

The commentary I am using (written by R. Kent Hughes) expresses that v.24 is one of the most widely debated verses in all of scripture! That is sobering as I seek to rightly handle the word of God! I suggest you read and study this portion on your own, because I will not be breaking that all down for you, but I did glean very useful insight from the commentary. Hughes states on page 248, "Paul knew his sufferings were for the Church and that they brought to him a special closeness with Christ. Every blow that fell on him fell on his Master and thus bound them even closer in mutual suffering." He goes on to talk about the story of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego in the fiery furnace, and how God was with them. (Daniel 3:25) He ends that paragraph with this, "Paul knew sufferings are miserable, but the resulting sense of union with Christ is wonderful." (for you Veggie Tales fans, the "Rack, Shack, and Benny" tune is probably stuck in your head now. You're welcome!)

As I was scrolling through my Facebook news feed, I ran across this short video from Joni Eareckson Tada:

www.facebook.com/JoniEarecksonTada/posts/6418170734890062 

After more than 50 years as a quadriplegic, and a breast cancer survivor, she knows more about suffering than many people, and she clearly expresses how hard it is to deal with the pain, along with how much we need Christ in the midst of it. Christ doesn't magically make everything go away or stop hurting, but he is there with us in the midst of the trial. He comforts and strengthens. He gives peace and wisdom and love. We are bound with Christ in a special closeness in the midst of our pain. He is an even closer, constant companion than our pain!

In addition to those two items, I am reading a new book. As I mentioned earlier, I have read SO many books on suffering, but this one is a bit different. "Dark Clouds - Deep Mercy: Discovering the Grace of Lament" By Mark Vroegop is a book that helps us to see the benefit of lamenting. Every chapter thus far has really shown me how and why to use biblical lament in prayer. We cry out to God, with our hurt and pain, for God knows our struggles and thoughts anyways, yet we also keep our eyes upon Him throughout. Lamenting allows us to feel the pain of our situation, grieve it openly while still seeking God in it's midst.  I am not much of a book reviewer, but if you struggle with grief or pain of any kind, I highly recommend you grab a copy of his book and read it! The Psalms are full of such good examples on how to really cry out to God in our grief, and he masterfully teaches us how to benefit.



I figured since this same topic has been impressed upon me several times in the last two weeks, I would share it with you! I pray you find comfort also in the One who holds us in His great care. 

As a quick update on me, it is time for our annual trip to Mayo Clinic. We head there on the 15th for several tests and then check in with my doctor before heading home late on the 17th. Another whirlwind September trip for us. I am hoping to discuss any other treatment options that may help me, and determine the risks of those medications in the middle of a pandemic. Lots to think through, and would appreciate prayers for wisdom, as well as physical strength. The jam-packed, short trips to Mayo are difficult, but it is too expensive for us to drag them out over several days, besides our pup, Willow, would miss me WAY too much! 😁

This year brings the added joy of being at Mayo during the same days as good friends of ours, and as weird as it is, I am looking forward to waiting room chats and quick bites to eat together between appointments. Like bringing a little bit of "home" along with us! 

I am sure there will updates coming! (c'mon, you know I'm an oversharer) Please also pray we stay healthy, both now so I don't have to cancel my trip, and afterwards, since we think I got covid there last year (tested positive 6 days after).

Thank you all for reading!

Until Next Time~

Shari

When Did I Quit?

 I can't really tell you the day or the hour, or even the week, but at some point I feel like I gave up. What does giving up mean you might ask? Well, for me it was cloaked in my thinking that I was just accepting reality.

I have always been a fighter. I had a friend tell me once that I'm the kind of person that walks right up to a challenge, and never backs down, but finds a way through it and overcomes. I am not too sure that that's true anymore. My disability has been a long, slow journey. As more and more of my work, hobbies and pastimes were stripped away, something changed in my mind that convinced me I couldn't do it anymore, and thus I shouldn't bother to try. In all reality, many things have gotten much harder, but they are still possible. We have taken more of an "adapt, improvise, and overcome" approach in the sense of solving issues as they arise, but mostly I have just given up a lot of things that I put in the "too hard to do anymore" category.

I don't feel sad about this, again, it just seems like it's my reality. I really am okay being somewhat of a hermit. I've always been on more of the shy, introverted side of things, and spending a lot of hours alone usually doesn't bother me too much. However, when I look back a few years ago and compare that life to now, I feel like I've changed so much sometimes I hardly recognize myself. I used to love to just go browse thrift stores or antique shops, and we were always out doing things on the weekend. Museums, kayaking, and lots of hiking were among our weekly outings. Now, when I see that I have a couple of physical therapy appointments in the same week, I feel slightly overwhelmed that I have to leave home multiple times (especially by myself). All of it just seems too difficult, so it has gotten easier to just stay home. The thing is, I'm actually very content at home. This fact actually leads to making the situation worse though. If I was the kind of person who missed getting out and doing things, or missed large groups of people, I think that I would force myself to do more even if it's harder than it once was.

Years ago, my blood pressure was creeping up and I was having issues with blood sugar. I decided I had had enough. Literally overnight I changed the way I eat and exercised. Within a few months I had dropped 40 lbs and no longer needed to have any medication for those issues. I maintained that for about 3 years, but gradually as things got more difficult for me physically, I started to make little excuses and exceptions. A quick bite of food here or there that wasn't on my diet, skipping exercise because I was in too much pain, and things like that started to become more normal. Now here I am back at the weight that I started at in 2012. I've been on blood pressure medication for more than a year, and I've started to have problems with blood sugar regulation again.

In my mind, I still feel like that young, strong, fighter, and yet in reality have become something different. I'm not sure this is all bad. I can easily make excuses for how I'm taking care of myself, but the truth is I would prefer to be that younger healthier woman. Days like today when the pain isn't too bad, I wake up and face a new day with determination that I'm going to change everything on a dime again. Lately though, I make that proclamation a few times a week, and by the end of each day I feel defeated as the reality sets in. My lack of mobility and increased pain slowly strip away my intestinal fortitude. I used to think all I had to do was pull myself up by my bootstraps and muscle through. Another friend of mine reminds me the bootstraps are nowhere mentioned in the Bible! I no longer feel that that is actually true, not everything can be overcome. Grit and determination aren't always enough.

Above all I do believe that the battle for all of this begins in our minds. What we believe about ourselves and the world around us really does impact what we think and feel. The Bible, which is God's word, is my ultimate source of strength and truth. It's where I go on good days to be reminded of God's loving plan, and it's the thing I cling to on bad days to remind me of God's providential care. 

I'm very thankful that God has helped me to be content in my circumstances, to learn to trust him more, and deepen my faith in the midst of all my struggles and suffering. God may not really care if I weigh 160 or 120 lb, but I know he absolutely does care for me! Because I'm an all or nothing kind of gal, it's hard for me to just try to choose one small thing and focus on accomplishing that. When I wake up in the morning and think about changing something in my life, the conversation in my head looks more like this:

"Okay. Today I will stop eating or drinking anything that's not healthy, eat less overall, exercise at least an hour every day, and get out and do more activities with family and friends. Also, be home in time to make dinner."

That all sounds super easy, right!? Obviously, when I can't accomplish that to 100% perfection, it tends to discourage me and makes me want to give up. My biggest struggle these last few years is realizing that everything is not so black and white. I'm learning to embrace the gray. Today I'm going to focus on one small thing I can do that will be healthier for me, and work to do that. Tomorrow when I wake up, I'll remind myself not to look back at my failures, but to stay present today and focus on one more small thing I can do. God's mercy is new every morning!

I'm reminded of the song from Santa Claus Is Coming To Town where the lyrics say:

Put one foot in front of the other,
and soon you'll be walking across the floor.
Put one foot in front of the other,
and soon you'll be walking out the door.

Walking across the floor

Do you set goals for yourself? Do you set yourself up to fail like I do? What one small thing can you do today to make a bigger difference down the road? Share with us in the comments!

Until Next Time

~Shari

OUCH!

All of us 1980's kids, probably remember when that little alien came on the scene. No, not ALF, the other one. You know who I mean! The 1982 film, E. T. the Extra Terrestrial, was a heart warming story of friendship. Of course, thinking of friendship with an alien sounds, well, alien. If you haven't seen it, go now and watch. I'll wait.

Aliens were about the only thing that didn't happen this past year (although the US military has acknowledged some unidentified flying objects, and leaked video footage, so who knows!) The past year and a half have been difficult, to say the least. A global pandemic lead to unprecedented shutdowns. Illness, death, lost jobs and businesses, isolation, riots and looting, and some natural disasters as well, lead to day after day of seemingly bad and painful news. No one remained untouched by these recent events. We have all suffered in one way or another.

Today in Illinois, we officially "reopen" without any pandemic restrictions, for the first time since March 2020. There is reason to be excited about getting back to normal, and yet some of us might not be ready to throw away our masks and pretend like none of this happened. I have shared in previous posts about the need for love, grace and patience as we deal with each other. This has all been painful and traumatic, more so for some than others. 

You all probably know my love for all things medical. I have my "armchair MD" degree, mostly due to my own health issues, and my love of research. Like most other relevant medical topics in my life, I kept up with the research on COVID-19 as it became available. You are well aware of the need to find reliable sources for all of our news. Ignorance and untruth abounds on the internet! We ALL had to weigh the facts, consider our own health and family situation, and make difficult choices these past 14+ months. 

If you have followed any part of my health journey, you might know that we have been to Mayo several times, and are set to return again this September. I am currently on a "drug holiday" (as the doctor called it), and not taking any treatment. I am currently going through a particularly difficult, painful, downhill path in my disease process the last couple of months that has me reevaluating my treatment options. I hurt everywhere! Widespread joint and muscle pain, as well as worsening neurological symptoms make me think it may be time to consider if more medication is necessary.

In the past, I have had to weigh a number of factors in deciding which treatment to try (or not). My disease is rare, and so the research is sparse, ongoing, and thus hard to decipher at times.  It is not easy to make a choice to take a chemotherapy drug that comes with lots of health risks, when the scientific studies were only able to try it on a handful of patients. Many of you have probably made decisions that seem to have no "right' answer and it can be heart-wrenching, or perhaps have disastrous consequences. This new coronavirus pandemic gave us all a taste of what it is like to have a disease no one knows much about. Studies are needed, but take time, and leave a lot of unanswered questions as we make decisions about our health.

It is normal for us to have our emotions and feelings sway our decisions. It is hard sometimes to trust the facts. The most recent research of COVID-19 and the mRNA vaccines seem to suggest that they are very effective at preventing serious illness and death, even with the current variants.  (I recommend CIDRAP for trustworthy research, and a great podcast too) After 14 months of caution, worry, masks, bad news reports, shutdowns and everything else, it can be very difficult to set aside the difficult emotions we have had, and trust the science. Some will be totally comfortable jumping in the deep end of the pool. Others have never gotten out of the pool. Still others are slathered in sunscreen, and just starting to dip a toe in the shallow wading pool. We need to extend grace to each other as we wade back into life, at our own pace. Encouragement, support and love are called for here, not judgment and ridicule!

God made us emotional beings. We should feel things deeply, however we cannot trust our feelings to be the basis of our decision making. Feelings may tell us it is unsafe to drive after watching hours of car crashes, and reviewing accident data. Science and engineering data may help us to trust the braking system in our cars. Those two things are seemingly at odds with each other. Most of us will trust the car to work as we expected, and yet many might still be anxious while driving or being a passenger in a vehicle. We have to move past emotion in many situations. The Bible tells us that "For we walk by faith, not by sight." (2 Corinthians 5:7).

That is not to say that we shove our emotions down deep and ignore them, but we also can't trust our emotions completely. I feel lots of pain, and that makes me feel sad. I feel like I can't do things I want to do, and that makes me feel like I can't contribute in a meaningful way. I could keep going with the "I feel" sentences, but what I know is that God is faithful. God is sovereign "and we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:28) He is trustworthy, my feelings are not. I have to function in the space where I feel all the feelings, but can still trust Him enough to step off the diving board in faith, without drowning in my emotions.

I am struggling right along with all of you. It has been a ROUGH year in so many ways! Pray that we all learn to trust God more fully, love each other more in humility, and forgive others as we have been forgiven. Pray for those who have not yet trusted in Christ alone for salvation. Pray we all suffer well, in a manner worthy of our calling, and in a manner that brings glory to God!

Until Next Time

~Shari

Undone in Twenty-One

The book of Job, in the Bible, is my favorite. For those of you who may be unfamiliar with the story of Job, he was described as a "blameless and upright" man who "feared God and turned away from evil." He was a wealthy landowner, who had several children, and a seemingly close family. He prayed for his children regularly. While I highly suggest you read through the book, especially the early chapters to get a feel for Job's life, I will summarize by saying that Job had a very good life. Then God allowed Satan to tempt Job. I will just stop for a second here to explain that NOTHING that happens in our lives is outside of God's control. Satan needed permission to test Job, but to be clear it is Satan doing the tempting, not God. Satan assumed as soon as things started going south for Job, he would curse God and turn from his faith. (Spoiler alert: Satan was wrong)

Job had a series of catastrophes occur. Raiding troops, fire and wind storms took his livestock, his servants, and then Job's children. While he mourned such great loss, he praised God and trusted Him saying, "The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord." Despite all that happened, Job trusted God. He knew that all of life's blessings come from God's loving hands, and he knew that God was sovereign over all of it. Satan tried harder and struck Job with boils and sores that itched. He was miserable, scratching his wounds with broken pottery. Job still did not curse God, even though his wife urged him to "curse God and die."

I won't pretend that my life compares with Job's. By some standards, I may live an "upright" life. Compared to much of the world, we are "rich". We might be seen as having an abundance like Job had. We have family we love, great friends, a nice house, and good neighbors. Thankfully I have a supporting husband who has encouraged my faith, not pushed me to abandon it, as Job's wife did.

Unlike Job, I have not known the loss of children, or all I possess. Though this past year brought us a long term unemployment, which has eaten our savings, it pales in comparison to Job's immense loss. Also unlike Job, I have discovered a misplaced trust in our security. Chad has worked hard and we saved up for future emergencies. We were trying to be good stewards of all that God has given us, and savings is a great idea (I do not mean to imply that it is wrong). I only bring it up to confess that I allowed a false sense of "self-security" to creep in by growing the balance of my savings, only to have to swept away like Job's possessions. What are we left with when that which we trusted in is gone? 

I was recently reminded of a story from Exodus chapter 16. The Israelites, whom were just delivered by God from Egypt, grumbled and complained that they were brought out to the desert to starve to death. God gave them manna from heaven (literally showered them with sweet bread). They were instructed to take each day the amount they needed to sustain them for that day (the only exception being that they could gather an extra serving so they didn't work on the Sabbath). God provided for them, even though they were ungrateful. He gave them bread, but they decided they wanted meat. So, God gave them meat, SO much of it that they gorged themselves until they threw up!

They gathered more manna than they needed for one day, trying to "save it up" and make sure they had extra (their own little emergency fund, if you will). They had been warned not to gather extra, and when they awoke the next day, they found it stinky and worm infested.

I have not gone hungry (perhaps the opposite is true during this covid period). My "grumbling and complaining" was more of a "whimpering and pleading" and always about my health. It is not the nerve disease (CIDP) or even the paralyzed leg that wears me down. It isn't the inability to go and to do the things I once enjoyed.  Most days it isn't even the chronic back and neck pain. It is simply the "one more thing" that has me in sackcloth and ashes like Job. It is the common place or mundane ailment that becomes the straw that breaks the camels back for me.

It is the latest migraine, the diverticulitis, the kidney stone, the coronavirus, or the sinus infection (all have happened in the last 6 months). It is that small little sickness that happens in addition to my "normal" health struggles that lays me bare before a mighty God. That "one more thing" that brings me to my knees in prayer, begging for mercy. That "one more thing" that makes all the busyness of the world stop, drowns out all the noise, and gets my eyes fixed squarely upon Christ, my only hope. It seems to always take that "one more thing" to get my attention directed back to God and away from myself, my worries, my planning for tomorrow.

It is that "one more thing" that reminds me that tomorrow has enough cares of it's own (Matthew 6:34).  Today, I get my daily bread, one portion of manna needed to get through this day, not tomorrow. I get grace enough to stand up under the tremendous burden, not in my own strength, but in God's strength.....one more day. For in my weakness, His strength shines through. (2 Corinthians 12:9-10) 

God gives each of us our daily portion every single day. We recite this in the Lord's prayer, which says "give us our daily bread" not tomorrow's bread or next week's bread, but enough for today. He is truly enough. 

If you have ever received an email from me, you may notice the verse from Job 13:15, which reads "though He slay me, yet will I trust Him." I hope you might read some of the story that I shared with you today. I pray that you too might find grace and strength in Christ today, and let tomorrow worry about itself. May God cause you to trust in Him, no matter your circumstances.

Until Next Time
~Shari

P.S. God restores double to Job at the end of the book, which you can read about in chapter 42!

(UN)Happy Valley

 I am not sure if anyone else uses this term, but my husband and I tend to call a sleepy, small and safe town (like the one we live in) "happy valley". If you live in a "happy valley", you probably know your neighbors, and maybe don't always lock your doors. You might feel somewhat isolated from big city crime and possibly let your kids play outside without much concern. Recently the term "happy valley" has come to my mind several times. I don't know where we first heard the term. A quick Google search reveals there is an actual town named Happy Valley just outside Portland, Oregon (who knew?). I didn't see a Wikipedia article explaining it the way we use the term, so maybe it isn't a common expression!

I am not even sure how we came to think of a valley as a happy place. Most everyone has heard the familiar words of Psalm 23 verse 4 that read:

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil,

for you are with me;

your rod and your staff,

they comfort me.

This valley doesn't sound all too happy! Although we can fear no evil, with God by our side, and trust him to comfort us. Valleys most frequently used to tell of the low times we go through. Scripture often uses imagery to paint a picture of an idea. Picturing "the valley of the shadow of death" paints a pretty dark picture. Mountain tops are often used as illustrations of a closeness to God, while being in the valley is more desolate.

This year has been overwhelming for most people on so many levels. Political divides, riots, unemployment, worldwide pandemic, and even murder hornets are on the news day after day. Just one of those things is enough to bring us to our knees in prayer, and all of them at once seem almost too difficult to bear up under.

I have had a difficult couple of months myself. Worsening (and virtually continuous pain) is hard enough to handle. It is amplified by the disconnection from friends and family that the coronavirus has caused, and my husband's loss of his job. On top of that, I continue to struggle physically with doing things I enjoy or even chores that must be done. My body does not always cooperate with my to-do list!

When we came home from our Mayo Clinic trip in September, I brought home COVID-19 as a souvenir. I had a fairly mild case, but there were still a few difficult days followed by extreme fatigue. Just as I started to come up for air, I had a mild flu or a bad cold which knocked me down again. Each illness has ripple effects as I seem to lose a little more stamina, bounce back a little slower than I once did, and do not quite make it all the way to 100%. 

Lately it feels like I am in a valley, darkened by the forest canopy that blocks the sun. It doesn't feel like a "happy valley" and yet I am comforted. God is with me, regardless of how I feel. Each step of the way, as I am learning to let go of my plans, dreams, desires, and abilities, God has given me peace. Every painful step has been taken intentionally, moving me onward instead of remaining stagnant. I am not "happy" in the midst of all of this, but am able to have a joyful heart. One day I will look up and see the sun, realizing that my journey has brought me out of the valley. The nighttime of tears will be replaced with the joy that comes in the morning (Psalm 30).

This year has been long, and we all could use a little sunshine. Hang in there. Morning is coming! Flee to Christ, that you may find comfort and joy in him. Lift up your eyes to the hills, for there is where our help comes from (Psalm 121:1-2). Lift up your eyes and see that the view isn't so bad. Maybe we can rename this place our "Joyful Valley" as God restores to us the joy of our salvation (Psalm 51:12), and lifts our eyes off of our own temporary struggles.

Until Next Time

~Shari

Who I've Become

If you have met me in the last few years, you might be surprised to learn that I used to be somewhat adventurous. While I was never one to be a thrill seeker, I did frequently hop in the car at the last minute for a road trip, or impromptu outing with the kids. As a child, my mom would drive me into Chicago to the Planetarium (it was free back then) just to buy an ice cream sandwich from the vending machine (She swore that brand was better, and not available locally). I think her crazy ideas like this rubbed off on me!

In fact, if I think back over the years, even though I have always been introverted, there was rarely a day I didn't get out of the house: nature walks, shopping, museums, movies, or just yard work. Slowly over time, as our kids grew up and moved out, and my health declined, getting out of the house seemed less attractive, and more problematic.

Chad and I were talking about this a couple of days ago, and it has been on my mind ever since. I am very content in my day to day life, but my world has definitely shrunk. I routinely go to church on Sunday, and consider it a victory if I have nowhere to go until church the following Sunday. I still love the outdoors, shopping (especially at thrift stores), and even road trips, BUT (and it is a big but), things have just become much more challenging.

I can no longer just wake up and decide to be spontaneous, heading out for the day to a local museum or park like we used to do. For starters, on the rare occasion that I feel well enough to head out for the day, there has to be much more planning. Medications, medical devices, mobility equipment, etc. are part of my daily life. I have to think through the outing to decide what needs may arise. How long will we be gone? How far would I have to walk, or is it wheelchair accessible? Is there van accessible parking? (especially if I am alone, because I frequently get stuck unable to deploy the ramp either because there are not enough handicapped spots, or someone has parked in the access aisle/striped lines) The list is LONG.

Sadly even when we plan the best we can, trips frequently end with an serious increase in pain. Pain rises throughout the day normally, but increased movement and lengthy activities will increase it more rapidly. Sometimes, I do a cost-benefit analysis and decide the trip just isn't worth the pain.

There is usually some stress and anxiety involved in going somewhere unfamiliar also. Many trips end up disappointing when we discover we can't get around by wheelchair, or there are no bathrooms I can use. Even stores with wheelchair accessible entrances often have narrow or blocked aisles, racks that are too close together and inaccessible bathrooms. Besides being more physically difficult to navigate, it is mentally draining for me as well. I struggle with feeling unwelcome and like I am constantly in other people's way (some of this is my own insecurity, but also because people will literally say it out loud).

When I do have a "good day" it just seems easier to stay home, where it is comfy and Chad has made it all very accessible to me. I can keep myself occupied with crafts, jigsaw puzzles, puppy cuddles, reading and many other favorite activities within my home. Easier for sure, and it makes me happy 😊

Sometimes though, I do miss going out. Frankly, I don't often visit a clothing store to feel the fabrics, browse clearance racks, and try things on just for fun anymore. Having the endurance to do all of that is rare at this point. (even getting my leg brace off and on is quite the workout. The struggle is real, people!) To some degree, my low pain level days seem wasted by going out and struggling to do things that used to be easy and enjoyable....so I just stay home, and use that energy on something that truly is enjoyable.

A little over 10 years ago, when I was healing from the life changing surgery on my left leg, I would have never dreamed that I would become a hermit! I have read about disabilities being isolating, and families with special needs children feeling alone, but didn't really understand why, until now.

I am very thankful that God has given me a contented heart. The introversion I once saw as a huge hindrance, I now see as a true blessing. I don't need a lot of activities or people to have a pleasant day. Seeing a dear friend, talking with family, or keeping busy at home are all real treats. I do know that there are plenty of people in the disability/special needs community who DO need more human interaction. Extroverts are not immune to medical issues, and while I am okay being more isolated than I once was, some people are struggling with loneliness and depression.

Honestly, this whole issue continues to be a struggle in my marriage. Chad is way more social and adventurous than I am anyways. I don't want him to be miserable never going anywhere, and he doesn't want to make me go somewhere knowing I will be in more pain. We run through ideas, evaluate how I feel, imagine how draining it will be and decide if it is worth it or not. I do more with him and for him than I would ever do on my own. Some days I push myself over that hurdle, get out and enjoy the day with my husband. Sometimes it isn't even as hard as I imagined it would be!

This unexpected change in my life has been a slow, sanctifying process. I have learned to be truly content, needing little fanfare to keep me entertained. I appreciate the little things in life more. I appreciate friends who are willing to drive to my house for a visit. Maybe you are able to visit a neighbor or friends who is going through something right now and could use an encouraging word, listening ear, or a push to get out of the house. (Don't push too hard, just offer!)

I am thankful that God has given scientific and technological knowledge to many individuals who bring us new innovations (like the internet), and all the good things that come from that to help us daily. There has never been an easier time to stay home and shop from the comfort of your couch! I am beyond grateful for a Savior, who is ever by my side, good day or bad. Maybe you could bring His word to someone who needs it today!

Until Next Time~
Shari

We Are Not That Different

In my medical journeys I have met many different people. I can put them into two groups for the purpose of my blog today. There are pessimists and optimists. In other words, there are people that can't see anything beyond their pain and loss of ability to do what they enjoy, and there are others that focus on what they still can do, and the good things in their life. My doctors believe that the people who can focus on the positive have better outcomes than those who don't (or perhaps can't).

In waiting rooms across the area, I have met many people who feel life isn't worth living because of their disability, diagnosis, or pain. I have also met people who seem happy despite their struggles. In most areas of my life, I think I probably fall firmly in the pessimistic camp, but if you have read any of my blog posts you might see that, by the grace of God, I am able to see the positive blessings in my life much more clearly than the struggles.

So what does all this have to do with my post today? Not much, except I wanted to point out the way we tend to group people into categories. We think in terms of black and white, even when we don't admit it. I personally like thinking in black and white terms because it makes sense. It is a neat, orderly way to view the world, but the problem is that the world is messy and gray. It took me years to figure that out. This is what my post is about. I am straying from my normal medical post to broach the subject of *gasp* politics.

I have witnessed an alarming trend the last few years, and I want to start a dialogue. We are more aware of bullying now than perhaps any other time in history, and yet my social media newsfeeds are filled with adults calling each other, groups, political parties, and specific people idiots (and much worse). Sadly and frequently these are the same adults that I see standing against bullying for their children, and fail to see that they are engaging in the same behavior.

Here is the truth: You are NOT an idiot, and neither am I. We are human. We make mistakes, we fail, do things we should not, say dumb things sometimes, and the list goes on and on. We have all been there. We have believed things we later discovered were not true. We jump to conclusions. We pass judgment (frequently without having all the facts). We criticize and name call, instead of truly trying to understand and learn from people who think differently than we do.

I have friends on both sides of the "aisle". Liberal and conservative. Christians, atheists, and other religions. Different races, classes and backgrounds. No matter what each of us believes, the truth is we are all human. Fundamentally the same. Largely comprised of oxygen, carbon, hydrogen, nitrogen, calcium, and phosphorus. (for you Star Trek TNG fans we are "useless bags of mostly water" 😃) When we boil it all down to that, NONE of us should feel superior.

As a nation that once prided itself on standing "united", we are the most divided we have ever been. We have lost the ability to have a civil conversation on many "hot button" issues. We dig our heels in, read things that confirm our own biases, and watch news stations that feed us the spin they know we already agree with. In a lot of ways, social media makes this all easier. "Trolls" are free to roam the internet and say things no one would ever say to someone's face.  It emboldens all of us to some extent. We "like" and "share" with little to no effort, and also with no confirmation of facts. We believe what we believe and are not likely to listen to groups who espouse contrary views.

I only bring this all up today, because yesterday, as I scrolled through social media, I saw posts from one group of friends who were calling certain political people morons. The very next post, from my other group of friends, was calling a different person crazy (which is a word I dislike for many reasons), and I felt disheartened. First, it is hard to hold out hope that our country can be united again. Do you remember the afternoon of September 11, 2001? Do you remember that feeling? Remember that you hugged your neighbor, despite their political or religious leanings? Can you fathom today that a random group of strangers would stop and pray, even if they all believe differently, simply because they had to do something....TOGETHER?

I feel sad that our nation that this era is punctuated with bullying at every age. That we are quick to name call, and spread "news" without really knowing it's source, or the bias of the person reporting it. I am especially downtrodden when I consider my dear brothers and sisters in Christ, fellow Christian believers, who post the same inflammatory, derogatory remarks, despite knowing that God clearly calls us to love our neighbor.

So, here it is. I love YOU. I believe with my whole heart that you and I were both created in the image of a holy and just God, and for that reason alone, you are deserving to be listened too, to be loved. We can love our neighbors (and are in fact called to do so) because He first loved us (1 John 4:19, Mark 12:31).

It is true that life has a lot of gray areas.  I pray that you might forgive me if I have ever said or done anything to imply you were stupid, or less than. I pray too that we might be able to share our beliefs in a non-judgmental way, really listening to each other, even if we still walk away with differing viewpoints.

This whole post was started because of a short clip of a documentary, and an interview of it's maker on WGN this morning. The documentary is called List(E)n. The preview shows the filmmaker bringing two people together over coffee to hear each other out. Two people on the opposite side of important issues, coming together to listen. This is how we stand united. We can believe differently, and still show respect and compassion for each other. Part of what made America what it is, is the ability to freely choose our religious and political views without fear of repercussions. Sadly, I fear this is no longer the case.

We are not that different. We are quirky and can be wrong sometimes (maybe even often?). We can be united in the fact that we have more in common than we do differences, or we can continue to see only the differences that divide. We can be optimistic and move forward together, choosing to focus on our similarities, or we can continue to bully everyone who doesn't believe the same as we do. Then maybe we can change our nation's motto to "divided we now stand". Can we start the conversation here? Tell me, what do you think?

Until Next Time~
Shari

Don't Spill the Beans

My mother and I used to play the game "Don't Spill the Beans" when I was a kid. Each player took turns carefully adding a bean to the top of the pot, trying to keep it balanced so it would not tip over and spill the beans all over the table.

Original game photo. We just bought a bag of kidney beans to use.

This game seems like the perfect image for how the last few weeks have felt. In general, I am not an emotional person. I probably shed a few tears once per quarter, and have a good cry once a year or so. Most days my logical side tells me tears won't help, so don't waste energy crying, but then I go through a rough patch. Besides my regular chronic pain and neurological issues, which start my pot off with a handful of beans already, things tend to mount quickly.

Side effects from new high blood pressure medicine - add another bean.
Frustration and disappointment from a body that can't do what I used to do, or what I would really like to do - another bean.
Frequent headaches and migraines - bean.
Cancelled plans - bean.
Financial burden of disability, more pain than normal, weight gain, lack of quality sleep - bean, bean, bean, bean.

It isn't long before I feel my emotions begin to tip to one side, and despite my best efforts to level them out, things tip too far, and streams tears down my face, like the pot dumping all the beans all over the table. I am currently feeling like my pot is about to tip again.

If you are familiar with the game, as soon as the pot tips, emptying all the beans, it swings back and forth slightly a couple of times before it levels out and stops moving.  Just like a good, cleansing cry can swing our emotions, but afterwards there is a calm. All the stress and trials seems to have been washed away, and God graciously rights His vessel once more. He steadies us, having eased our burdens, comforts us and gently reminds us of the joy of our salvation. Christ, who bore the awful load of our sins, takes all our beans (our hardships) upon Himself, gives us a lighter load to carry. May we all be an empty vessel, willing to spill all of our beans into Jesus' loving arms, and look to Him alone for grace, strength and comfort in difficult periods of life.

One day there will be no more pain, or tears, but for now I pray that I will be an empty vessel, willing to be filled and used by God, for His glory. I am beyond grateful for the gift of eternal life, and the hope that I have found In Him. He provides exactly what I need, when I need it.

I thought I would finish with the words of the Heidelberg Catechism question #1:

          Q. What is your only comfort in life and death?

          A. That I am not my own, but belong with body and soul, 
               both in life and in death, to my faithful Savior Jesus Christ. 
               He has fully paid for all my sins with his precious blood,
               and has set me free from all the power of the devil. 
               He also preserves me in such a way that without the will 
               of my heavenly Father not a hair can fall from my head; 
               indeed, all things must work together for my salvation. 
               Therefore, by his Holy Spirit he also assures me of eternal life 
               and makes me heartily willing and ready from now on to live for him.

What "beans" are piling up on your pot? Look to Christ today, and give them all over to Him, before they spill all over the place!

Until Next Time~
Shari

Faith at 49

Yesterday was my 49th birthday, but I don't feel a day over 80 though! 😁 I figured I would celebrate with a blog post since it has been a while.

In a lot of ways, my days have been pretty status quo, but there have been some new developments if I think a little harder. I have been continuing on my infusions of IVIg every other week. Besides being bored for 5 hours in the infusion center, there isn't much to report here. Thankfully the side effects have been minimal, but I am not convinced it is helping at all.

Subjectively I think I have been getting worse. My legs don't seem to want to follow my brain's commands, and seem to have more trouble walking. For sure the numbness, tingling and weakness in my hands and arms has been progressing. Due to this, I have had more issues navigating in my manual wheelchair, and yet I am using it more and more. We have an appointment on the 10th of June at Shirley Ryan Abilities Lab again to begin the process of getting a power wheelchair. Of course, with a power wheelchair, an accessible van is a necessity. (I should probably do a blog post on the expensive nature of a disability, since I think my husband works to pay for all my needs) I am excited though that the new power chair, and the van will make me more independent. I do miss shopping at an actual store (while online shopping is a blessing when you can't go somewhere, it just isn't the same, especially for clothing!)

About two weeks ago, I had an episode of nerve pain in both legs, that grew so bad that I had to rethink what I thought a 10/10 on the pain scale was (even after 2 kids and 20 kidney stones). This was hands down the worst pain I have ever felt, and it landed me in the ER. Thank God for strong drugs! They basically knocked me out for a couple hours, and I woke up feeling better. I was very worried that the pain would come back, or would be here to stay, and knew that there was no way I could handle that.

Even as that thought entered my mind, I wondered "what exactly do I mean?" Many of you have heard a story of someone who has gone through something horrible, or seemingly impossible, and thought "I could never do that!" But what happens when that same terrible accident or illness strikes you? In that moment, you might think along the same lines. I know I did lying in the ER bed: I can't do this, I cannot live in this much pain.  I understand feeling that way, but in reality we have no choice. It is not as simple as rewinding the clock to a time before the accident happened, or telling the doctor you decided not have the disease he just diagnosed you with.

It is in these moments that the rubber meets the road. Does all the talk about my faith mean anything? Do I really believe what I preach? My answer is a resounding YES! However, that does not mean that I never struggle or doubt. The pain is very real. There are many days I feel the reality of the fact that I am not strong enough to handle all of this, but it is also in those moments that God reminds me of His strength.

I know I have said this before, but the saying "God never gives you more than you can handle" is not in the Bible. What is true is that God never gives you more than HE can handle. He grows us in our faith, strengthens us, and allows us to persevere. It is only my lack of trust, my lack of faith, that in the midst of excruciating pain, I cry out to God and say "I can't!" Those words should be immediately be followed by, "but I know You can!"

This is not easy. Life is not easy (or even fair, for that matter), but every day is a blessing. Every day is a choice to dwell on all the things we can't do, or can't handle, or to dwell on the goodness and faithfulness of God. We thank Him, the giver and sustainer of life, for every second of every day that we are given to enjoy His creation, our families, our jobs, our friends or pets, or anything and everything you have in your life that you get to enjoy during our brief time here under the sun. Every breath is a blessing, even if it is a painful one. Be encouraged today, that even though you can't, He can!

Until Next Time~
Shari

Prayer requests:

• Please continue to pray for clear test results in September when we return to Mayo Clinic, so we can make decisions regarding my treatment going forward. 
• My liver enzymes have been elevated for the past couple months, please pray they return to normal.
• Pray for me to trust in God to provide all we need, whether it is about the cost of the van and everything I need, or the pain I am experiencing. I worry (more than I should), but know I should trust God, and am thankful He is teaching me to trust Him more. He has always provided, and I don't expect Him to stop now. I am thankful that Chad doesn't stress over this the way I do! We make a good team <3 
• Pray for the grant I applied for to help (hopefully) with some of the conversion costs of the van. That organization has my case on their agenda for their June meeting.

Dark Circles

Have you ever had that feeling like you are about to pass out? Dark circles envelop your vision, blackness closing in. This seems like a decent analogy of my life currently. Darkness seems overwhelming at times, closing in from every side. I feel like I might "pass out" as I lose the light in my vision. The last several years have been difficult (that might be putting it mildly), but this past year has definitely hit an all time low. My health has continued to decline and the accompanying chronic pain has been overwhelming. Medical treatments and side effects are exhausting. I have spent a LOT of time sitting with a heating pad or ice pack, and zoning out in front of a screen. I haven't done much art, or cleaning, or even leaving the house. I have missed a lot of Sunday morning worship services. Due to my accessibility needs, we switched churches in December of 2017, which combined with my recent spotty attendance record, has made it difficult for me to feel connected. I have lost friends, been unable to do things I love, and gained weight. Any one of these things would be enough to deal with, but all together, I feel alone and surround with darkness.

Disability and suffering are often isolating. When I do go out, I put on a smile, and try not to turn every conversation into a gripe fest of how bad I feel. So instead, I try to love others and ask about their lives. Listening is one of the first things I have learned this past year. As I have spent more and more time alone, stuck in the house, and wishing for someone to talk to, I have learned how valuable a listening ear is! In today's electronic world, it is a rarity to find someone that stops, makes eye contact, and actually pays attention. I am SO very thankful for those friends I have that are willing to do this, and hope I can do the same for others.

I have also learned some things (of the not so pleasant variety) about myself. I have put too much worth on friendships, letting hurt creep in when those relationships fell apart. I am reminded of my own words about managing my expectations of others. In truth, I should be seeking Christ. Wanting a deeper fellowship with Him. Going to Him in prayer, and with my concerns, worries, and pain. Not that friends aren't deeply valued! A good friend is a rare jewel. They can rebuke and encourage us. They help carry our burdens. But we must also remember they are sinful humans, just like us. Christ alone is the "friend that sticks closer than a brother" (Proverbs 18:24), and to Him alone should we look to truly fulfill that need for acceptance and love.

Besides feeling super crummy, gaining back a lot of the weight I lost back in 2013-2014 has added to my frustration and encroaching depression. This issue has also got me thinking about my beliefs on weight, self image, and food. Yes, I do feel worse when my clothes don't fit. My blood pressure is high again, so there is a real health concern, but if we get down to the brass tacks, I want to be thin to "look good." Our culture pushes this agenda, and I have bought in hook, line, and sinker!

I have been going through the book Idols of the Heart by Elyse Fitzpatrick again, and there are plenty of idols coming out of my little "idol making factory" as John Calvin describes our hearts. One more lesson to be learned in all of this darkness.

We want what we want. What we shouldn't have for reasons perhaps unknown to us. We desire that which we think will make us happy: friends, thin bodies, perfect health, no pain, etc. The list goes on and on seemingly forever. It is very difficult, if not impossible, to bear up under the weight of all these things. The dark circle surround us, and just like my analogy about the feeling of passing out, just about the time we think our entire vision is going to go black, and we will most definitely pass out, a tiny light in the center of our vision starts to shines through. Slowly, the center light grows, and chases back the black circle that had threatened to overtake us.

In those moments, I am reminded of 1 Corinthians 4:8-9

"We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; 

perplexed, but not driven to despair; 

persecuted, but not forsaken; 

struck down, but not destroyed"

This is where my hope is found, in Christ, the Light of the World. Just when I think I can't take any more, as I lie alone begging for mercy, wondering if the pain will ever end, asking Him if He is listening, if He even cares, that small dot of light emerges in the distance. As I begin to focus on it, it grows larger and brighter. That is not because God finally showed up, or decided to intervene, but simply because I wasn't focused on the light. I began to focus on the overwhelming blackness. I started to believe He doesn't care, or isn't listening. I begin to believe it will never end. I start to focus on my symptoms and circumstances, and lose sight of my Savior, and His truth. But then, I hear God's still small voice prompting me to remember what is true. God tells us many places in His Word that He will not leave us or forsake us. That is the truth. God never left me, his Light was there all along, I just chose to focus on the darkness. I missed His tender mercy in a card from a faithful friend, because I was thinking instead of the friends I lost. I failed to see the simple joy God brought to my days by way of a little 12-lb dog, and looked only to my feelings of loneliness.

I am not trying to minimize the struggle. I am suffering. I am miserable. This is all very hard. I know you hurt too. I am simply trying to remind you (and myself) to stop focusing on the black circles closing in around us, and focus on the light instead. Keep your eyes fixed upon Christ! (Hebrews 12:2). Be grateful for the faithful friend, or that tiny rescue dog! That is how we give thanks to God in all circumstances, like Paul tells us in 1 Thessalonians 5:18. We start to change our focus to God's blessings, and stop making the pain and disappointment the center of our world. We aren't thankful for the pain and suffering, but we can be thankful to God, even on the worst of days, for His loving care. 

I am thankful that God has been gently revealing the sin in my heart, and for His forgiveness. I am thankful that I am learning to trust Him more, even on those days when I cry out like the child's father did in Mark 9, "Lord I believe, help my unbelief!" Remember to give thanks for His Son, the Savior of our souls, who also knew the pain of suffering and isolation. The One who suffered all of that in our place. 

We used to joke that the light at the end of the tunnel was a train, and some days it still feels like that! I pray we can all look down that tunnel of blackness, and see a small light in the distance, and then draw near to that Light! Keep searching and clinging to the One who preserves our souls, and I know the darkness will fade, even if the suffering continues. That is the truth for all who are in Christ Jesus! Will you choose to cling to the Light, or continue in the darkness?

Until Next Time~

Shari

*DING*

I recently read the book 12 Ways Your Phone is Changing You by Tony Reinke. Tony examines the ways our smart phones are changing how we behave, communicate and participate with those around us. This book is extremely convicting and eye-opening. He does not take the position that our phones are bad, or using them is evil, but in fact quite the opposite is true. He clearly flushes out the usefulness of our pocket computers. These high tech devices help us to spread the Gospel, be more productive, educate, and much more. Unfortunately, our constant connectedness can distract and distance us from those whom we are closest too. Essentially, the more connected we become the lonelier we feel. Where we used to go to the movies with friends, we now stream movies to our living room.

The book's chapters dig deeper into to each of the 12 ways Tony Reinke sees our phones impacting us individually and as a society. The titles of the chapters give a sneak peek as to what you will find inside:

1. We Are Addicted to Distraction
2. We Ignore Our Flesh and Blood
3. We Crave Immediate Approval
4. We Lose Our Literacy
5. We Feed on the Produced
6. We Become Like What We "Like"
7. We Get Lonely
8. We Get Comfortable in Secret Vices
9. We Lose Meaning
10. We Fear Missing Out
11. We Become Harsh to One Another
12. We Lose Our Place in Time

The book is well researched, and well written. It does not condemn technology, or our use of it. It does, however, point out real and present dangers that we should all be aware of. The book points out our Pavlovian dog response to the buzzes and beeps emanating from our devices. Our phones (and as a result we) are "on" 24/7. We are afraid we will miss something. We enjoy getting "likes". This can all be used in a way that can bring glory to God, but frequently it is used to distract us from our boring lives. It might be an escape for us. Our phones and computers provide an atmosphere in which we can portray our lives as something other than what they truly are. We feel jealousy and discontentment as we think we are truly peering into the lives of our neighbors and friends, but in reality seeing only small glimpses into reality.

Technology is a good thing. It is a gift from God, from whom all knowledge originates. Computers and internet have enabled me and others to blog, to share our stories, and the Gospel with people a world away. We have been given an opportunity to use a new, and advanced medium to reach others we would likely never meet face to face, and because of that, it comes with a great responsibility. We will give account for every idle word we have spoken (or written) one day. The distance the internet creates makes us feel safer to be harsher with people. We say things that we would never say if we were standing in front of a group of people. We watch things that we would never consider watching if it weren't from behind the anonymity and privacy of our own screen. This book gives us reason to pause, consider and evaluate our phone usage.

The book is well worth reading, and although it is written by a Christian author, and has a Christian bent, it's research is solid, and the message behind why we respond the way we do is important to reflect upon. You won't be disappointed, and quite possibly you will have your eyes opened wider, like I did.

Wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving!
Until Next Time~
Shari

Good Grief

Grief is a part of life. We grieve the loss of a loved one. We can also grieve the loss of what might have been. The loss of hopes and dreams. We all go through times of grief for things like this. Maybe an injury kept you off the baseball team that you thought would be your future. Maybe it is finding out your child will have special needs, and their future goals may be learning to walk or talk, instead of being the CEO of a fortune 500 as you had hoped. We grieve the dissolution of a marriage, or a child who wanders away from the faith. There are likely hundreds (thousands even) of scenarios that cause us to suffer a loss of some kind, and result in us grieving.

Grief can be necessary and even good. Grief is a natural human emotion, and a process that is as natural as living and dying. Grief can also be bad. It can be a state we enter into and never leave. We can linger too long and let sadness, anger, denial, and bitterness rule our hearts. There is a sinfulness in dwelling in grief too long, however, dealing with grief can be helpful as we come to acceptance, embrace the truth, and move passed it. This is not to say that there is not still a hurt, or a void left behind by the loss, because there frequently will be, especially if our loss is that of a cherished significant other.

Reflecting on all my recent news, I realized all the grieving that I have done, and am still doing. When I first had surgery in September 2009, doctors had hoped that they could remove the tumor from the nerve, and I would not have any ill effects. My surgery that day lasted 8 hours. Just moments after waking up enough to realize where I was, or even who I was, my mother blurted out that the doctors had to remove 7 inches of my femoral nerve. They took a portion of nerve from my inner thigh and tried to reroute it to make my thigh continue to work, but doctors weren't hopeful, and it could take up to 12 months to let the nerve heal and see where we end up. I remember bursting into tears as I heard what I considered to be worst case scenario. I also remember Chad (my husband) saying to my mother that they were going to wait a little while to tell me. My mother was never good at keeping secrets :)

After that surgery, it took me weeks to just sit up in bed for more than a minute or two. I had 3 incisions, each 8-12 inches in length. I had been completely disemboweled during surgery to get to the spine and nerve so they could find the tumor and remove it. It was by far the roughest, most painful thing I have ever been though. Those weeks were very sad, and very difficult. There was a lot of grief and even more tears. Gradually I started to feel better, my stubborn attitude kicked in, and I was determined to get better. The doctors weren't sure I would even be able to walk, but I did. Within a few months I walked without any help. First I used a walker, then a cane, then I just walked, although I wore leg brace the first year that kept my left leg locked in a straight position. I even got back to a fairly fast walking pace, and went on regular walks. I hobbled around on a tennis court, hopping on one good leg and playing couples tennis with some friends of ours. I rock climbed, and kayaked, and got a recumbent bike so I could still ride with my family.

I grieved of what might have been, while realizing there were some things I could never do again, no matter how determined I was. During this time, several friends and family members started jogging (something I had tried for years to get a few of them to do). They really enjoyed the runner's high. Running is something I cannot do ever again. It is not physically possible to run, jump, or kick with no quadriceps muscle. So I grieved.

There were more surgeries to try to return function to my leg. Surgery to help my knee pain that happened because my leg didn't work properly. Surgery because the first surgery caused painful scar tissue to form a neuroma (nerve mass). Surgery to fix a pinched nerve in my right leg because of my change in gait. And there was pain, so much pain. Pain from the surgery. Pain from the resulting issues. Pain from my neck and back that had a previous issue, but were now being contorted in an unnatural position as I tried to swing a dead leg forward and walk. There were plenty of things to grieve. Then, a team of doctors and orthotists at RIC (now Shirley Ryan Abilities Lab) that worked to get me a lighter weight leg brace, that bent went I walked. I kept walking. I worked out. I pushed and pushed, and after sitting on the side lines for 2 years, I joined my family and a group of spectacular friends, and did a 10 mile Tough Mudder obstacle course.

This whole process has been a roller coaster. Lots of waiting and seeing how things will turn out. I have had to grieve, let go of things, evaluate the new circumstances and change course. As Chad likes to say, we "adapt, improvise, and overcome." That is exactly what we have done every step of the way. We cry. We brainstorm a new trajectory, and we move forward. We move through the grief, and work hard not to get stuck in it.

Now we have circled back around. Now as I sit here and type, I am grieving the loss of my "tumor". I have been thinking all this time, that in 2004 when symptoms first appeared, it was due to the tumor they found in 2009. For 14 years, I have been dealing with my "tumor" and all it involves. All the ups and downs, the surgeries, the tears and pain. So, when I first felt symptoms in my right leg in 2011, I felt fear. I was scared that the tumor had returned. I was afraid I would lose the use of my right leg that had been doing most of the work since 2009. Then we learned it was something different. A mystery neurological disease that was unrelated to the rare nerve tumor I had. I grieved some more. It seemed that lightening had struck twice. I now had 2 different problems that both had a very rare occurrence rate, which made finding solutions difficult as no one really knew how to help. I grieved the unknown, and gradual loss of feeling and strength in my "good" leg.

Now in 2018, I am grieving the loss of the "tumor" I thought existed. I now have to wrap my brain around the fact that I have had a progressive neurological disease for 14 years. I never had a tumor, or 2 diagnoses, it's just been one all along. I cannot begin to adequately describe all the poking and prodding, the appointments, testing, waiting, the cost of all of this (emotional, physical and financial). Today I have to grieve my past and my future. I have to deal with the reality of my new diagnosis, which can be a difficult disease. It is rare enough that they cannot really give me a specific prognosis timeline, or treatment plan that works for everyone. They know what has helped some other people, and they hope it will work for me.

Eventually, we all need to move on so we don't get stuck, but today I will just grieve. I know I will continue to fight, it's what I do. I don't take bad news lying down, I get up and consider it a challenge to rise above. Unfortunately, with all the above events, my fight doesn't pack the punch it once did. I grieve that too. Today I will grieve. Tomorrow I will adapt, improvise, and overcome.

With God's grace, we will continue to get through this, one day at at time. He will faithfully strengthen us for each day ahead. Graciously, the Lord has kept Chad and I together as a unit, lock step, through all the ups and downs. I couldn't be more grateful to my Savior for His amazing grace! To God alone be the glory!

What are you grieving today? How will you adapt, improvise, and overcome tomorrow?

Until Next Time~
Shari

I Was Only Trying To Help

We all know the feeling we have when a dear friend, or beloved family member is hurting, sick, depressed, or grieving. We feel helpless. We want to do something to help. In some ways, we need to do somethings tangible to feel useful, and let them know we love them. I understand this need. I am a "fixer" of problems. A trait perhaps most often considered a "man thing" to do. Over the years, I have learned to become a better listener, without listing out the steps to fix the problem (as I see it). I still find this difficult at times, as my mind works in a logical and sequential manner. I enjoy solving puzzles. When I hear a hurting friend say they are struggling, or they have a problem, I immediately think "well, let's fix the problem, then you can be happier, and in turn that makes me feel good to be useful."

I also have had moments when I am sharing my struggles with someone, and they pounce on me with a list things I can do to fix the problem. Over the years, people have bought me vitamins and supplements (or try to sell their brand to me). Given me medical or cook books. Sent me a mile high stack of articles and emails regarding treatment ideas or research. I am also learning something being on the other side of the "fixer." I am learning grace. To be very honest, my first response is irritation at times. I question why people would think I have not considered any of the options they are suggesting. I am a researcher by nature, and have read books, articles, blog posts, and many medical journals looking for answers over the years. I do eat a diet I feel is healthy for me. Perhaps the worst is my response to my several friends who sell the products they believe in, and have worked for them, when I think "No I don't want to buy product x, or I would have bought it." I feel guilty when people spend money to buy books and supplements, when I know that I will likely toss them. I have learned that people need to feel useful and they show love by trying to help fix the problem, just like I am guilty of doing.

One of the problems with being a "fixer" is that it is a way to make ourselves feel better. We feel the need to help, so we do, but in a way we think might be helpful instead of finding out what would actually be helpful to the individual suffering. I have come to understand that feeling of helplessness. I know that I have so many wonderful friends who care, and truly want to help me. They hurt because I hurt. I have to be gracious in my response to their offer of help, and hopefully they will be gracious in return if I seem to not take their advice. (Let me just take a minute here to ask forgiveness to those I have turned away with an unkind word. I am sorry. I am learning to think before I speak, but I am a sinner. I love you all, and would not want to hurt you, and I know you have a concern for me at the root of your offer.)

You all know how I love an analogy, although sometimes I have trouble thinking of a truly effective image, but I am going to try! I am sure you have been in a grocery store when you realize you are in the way of another shopper. You swerve to be considerate, thinking you will give preference to the other person, and patiently wait. But then, just as you swerve, so does the other shopper! You are both trying to do the "right" thing by helping the other person, but in the process you both have gotten in each other's way again! I have had this happen numerous times, and occasionally we have both then corrected our swerves and again ended up in the way. This situation is uncomfortable, and frequently ends in a nervous smile and one person saying "you go ahead, I won't move."

There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to help someone else, but perhaps we should take a minute to listen and identify how we can really be of use. For me, I would prefer someone just say "how can I help?" If I need a ride, or someone to grab a prescription, or mail a package for me, I will ask those whom have offered to help in the ways I need. Some people may not have a tangible way that they need help, maybe a kind word or card, and a listening ear without judgment, is the best "fix" you can give them. Prayer is always a wonderful gift! When we serve others the way they want to be served, instead of in the way we want to serve them, we avoid the nervous smile. We walk together, instead of one of us stepping aside, and telling the other one to go ahead and pass by.

Hopefully, you understand that I am not upset with anyone, I am just trying to say that we could all do a better job of helping the hurting in a way they want/need to be helped, instead of a way that we think will solve the problem. The truth is there are not many things I haven't tried (at least for a time) and the only thing remotely useful thus far has been dietary changes. I lost weight, lowered my cholesterol and blood pressure, but I also continued to worsen with the neurological disease, so clearly it is not a cure-all. I am thankful that your aunt's neighbor, or your cousin's best friend tried a certain diet/vitamin/doctor and got much better. I really am glad to hear that, but I also know that all our bodies are very different, our diagnoses are not the same, and a "one size fits all" approach does not work. When people ask about my dietary changes I tell them, but I do say "it worked for me, but I doubt it will work for everyone." This may be a whole different post, but just the fact they call it "practicing medicine" gives us a glimpse into the difficulty of how different people's bodies respond differently to the same health issue. This is why you can have many people with a herniated disc, and have them all have different outcomes. One gets better, or maybe never has any pain. One needs some therapy, a steroid injection and takes a few months to feel better. Another may need surgery or may be permanently disabled. Doctors tell me half the population would have a herniated disc show up on an MRI, but most never know it because they feel no pain! I am sure you can begin to see the difficulties with treating every person with the same plan!

At the end of the day, hopefully we can all learn to love less selfishly, pray more diligently, and extend grace more consistently, growing more and more each day to reflect Jesus in our lives. I love you all, and am so thankful for your prayers! 💜

Until Next Time~
Shari

Managing Expectations

If you have been around Chad or me very much at all, I am sure you have heard our thoughts on expectations. When my doctor told me that I really needed to contact Mayo Clinic for an appointment, "expectations" were on my mind. Initially, I wanted to be careful and not expect that Mayo would take my case. I didn't want to be disappointed. I tried once a couple years ago, and they did not offer me an appointment.

This time, as it turns out, the neurology department did offer me an appointment for August 1st. So it appears that Rochester, MN will be our vacation spot this year. Now that I know I am traveling to Mayo, I still have to be very careful about my expectations. My doctor thinks that if anyone has seen another patient with these symptoms, it will be the doctors at Mayo Clinic. She feels that even if there isn't a name for this disease, they may at least be able to offer advice on prognosis or a better course of treatment, that could perhaps ease my suffering.

Trust me, that sounds wonderful! I have had several very difficult months. The pain has gotten much worse. My current plan has basically been to just survive each day, try and get some sleep, then wake up and do it all over again. The truth is, I am not particularly hopeful that Mayo will offer much insight, but I can feel myself wanting to believe it to be true. This is why I started thinking of expectations. We always tell people that managing your expectations is the key to a happy marriage (or even a happy life). I joke that the only thing I expect Chad to do is bring home a paycheck, so anything over and above that is just icing on the cake! If you set the bar low enough, he is bound to surpass it, and look like a rock star! haha :)

I am convinced that unmet expectations can quickly become anger, bitterness, and depression. We place expectations on ourselves, our spouses, children and friends, whether we realize it or not. It may not be a conscious thought. It might be a very small expectation. We can expect our husband to notice we need milk, and expect him to stop on the way home to buy some. We expect our children to get good grades or keep their rooms clean. We expect our friends to call us and check how we are doing.

Now, none of these things is particularly difficult to accomplish. Problems arise when we start thinking that someone else will do something, and then they don't do it. We can quickly start to feel angry, bitter, resentful, sad, or one of numerous other negative emotions. Often times, the other person is completely unaware that you wanted them to do something. They may have no clue that they let you down. In fact, we tend to treat others as mind-readers. ("I shouldn't have to tell them, they should just know.") Over time, all these little unmet expectations can break apart marriages, damage friendships, and destroy parent-child relationships. We can start to feel like nothing ever goes our way, and become very unhappy.

Chad and I joke about this, but the truth is that many years ago we learned to start managing our expectations for each other. There are certain things that are non-negotiable (ex. being faithful to each other), but mostly we have learned to ask when we need something, and tell each other when it is something we really need the other person to do. We let a lot of things go, and don't look to the other person to make us happy. The truth is, Chad does not complete me. Although we do quote that line from Jerry Mcguire, it is unfair to expect another person to "complete you."

Managing our expectations is really about realizing that we are sinners. We will disappoint others. We will do what we shouldn't, and fail to do what we should. We will let others down. This is not an excuse not to try, but just an honest evaluation of ourselves and others. We should try to focus on loving others, taking care of our own needs the best that we can, and being honest with each other when we need help. Then we can start moving more in the direction of contentment, and move further away from anger and bitterness. Don't get me wrong, this isn't easy. It is contrary to our nature, and requires diligence.

Even as I type this post, I can quickly start to think of how great everything would be if they had a cure for me at Mayo. If I go there expecting a life without pain or disease, I will come home very depressed indeed! If I can keep my expectations to a minimum (ex. the doctors will do their best to offer me some answers), I am less likely to be devastated on the return trip.

My greatest realization is that no one, not even my Creator, promised me a life of ease. I do not deserve the best of everything. I do not deserve riches, or fame, or happiness. The Bible teaches us just the opposite. As a believer in Jesus Christ, (one who has acknowledged my sin, knows my need of a Savior, and my inability to do anything worthy of earning my salvation) I am promised eternal life with God, but I am also promised hardship, persecution, trials, tribulations, and testing of my faith.

"My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience." ~James 1:3

If I fail to repent of my sins, fail to trust in Christ alone for salvation, I am promised only eternal wrath. When I know that what all my thoughts, words, and deeds really deserve (apart from Christ) is hell, then anything I enjoy here on earth is just icing on the ultimate cake.

"For this light momentary affliction is preparing us for an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal." ~ 2 Corinthians 4:17-18

With expectations of seeing my Savior face-to-face one day, running into His arms, and leaving this body, world, and these troubles behind, I know that I will not be disappointed! Knowing and trusting all of this, I can get through these trials, one day at a time, with contentment.

I pray that Mayo Clinic will be able to help me in some way, but at the end of the day, my hope is not found in Mayo, it is found in my Savior, Jesus Christ alone. So, I will travel to Minnesota with Chad and expect only to have a few days away from home, see some things we have never seen, and perhaps learn something new along the way. That doesn't sound disappointing at all! <3

I am sure that with the long road trip, several days of appointments and tests, and most likely less sleep than normal, my days will be filled with pain. Your prayers would be very much appreciated! Pray for strength and that I will manage my expectations, and not come home disappointed.

Until Next Time~
Shari