Just One Click

 Sometimes it only takes one click to take you back. Most days I don't think about it, but it most definitely impacts my life daily. It shaped who I am, what I do, and how I respond to both people and situations. Just one click on a documentary that was recommended for me got me thinking, and then blogging. Leave No Trace is a documentary about the Boy Scouts and their downfall as stories and documents were brought to light about ten of thousands of boys who were sexually abused in the scouts program and camps. 

In my last post, I talked about being bullied and how that made me an angry teen, but I didn't touch on this other reason for that anger. The specific incident this documentary made me think of happened shortly after my 13th birthday. My mother had always told me stories of my sister being a candy striper at our local hospital, and I really wanted to do it also. I lived about 3 blocks from Mercy Center in Aurora, and walked over to ask questions about it. I learned you had to be 13 to volunteer, and they no longer called them candy stripers. On my 13th birthday, in May 1983, I walked over to Mercy Center again and signed up to be a volunteer. I started off delivering flowers to patients the very next day. I had no friends, so I had a lot of time that summer. Within a few days, I was given more hours and duties. I started working at 6 am each weekday in the admitting office. 

In 1983, the hospital had no computers, so there were piles of paper charts and a huge white board with every bed number in the 5 story building. We had to keep track of each patient coming in and going out. I would get them to complete paperwork, give them a wrist band, assign them a bed, and walk them up to their room. I LOVED this job and must have excelled, because after a couple of weeks, the manager was letting me come in alone on Saturday mornings to check in the rare patient who had a weekend admission. 

In the course of my duties, I had a lot of contact with the nursing station and environmental services to make sure beds were empty and clean. I will spare you the horrid details, but the first week of August that summer, less than 8 weeks from when I started, I was standing in the volunteer coordinator's office being fired. I was sobbing and begging, but she was adamant. As I stood there very upset, weeping and shaking, she explained that a nurse had reported me being in a utility closet with a (30 year old) janitor. She raised her voice to shame me for being young and not understanding that people had jobs to do, and I was an unhelpful distraction. Yes, you may have guessed, I wasn't in that closet looking for supplies. I often wondered how that nurse and supervisor were able to turn a blind eye to something so heinous, but by then, I had already learned how to keep silent and had no self worth.

To be honest, sometimes I wonder if I had a sign on my forehead. I am not joking. I was sexually abused by 5 different adults by the time I was 18. As a teen I was also an easy target for the boys in my age bracket. "Date rape" wasn't a term I heard in the 80's, but I definitely understand what it is and how it happens....at least for me. I was really unable to say "no". I had learned that I didn't have a voice or a choice. I deserved what I got, or at least that is what I thought. I rationalized that if I wouldn't have been there, it wouldn't have happened, so there is no one to blame but myself.

As you might guess, I dealt with depression and anxiety, but I was also angry at the world around me. I really was broken. As broken as a person can be anyways. I had trouble making real friendships and had no sense of "self". My past continues to impact my present, although less than it once did. I still keep people at a distance, have trouble trusting people, and I may never have a truly healthy view of sex, but having a wonderful, patient and understanding husband has absolutely been great medicine!

The two of us dealt with my past when we went to counseling in the mid 1990's, and shortly after that is when we came to Christ. People like to present Christianity as a "cure all". The message that frequently gets communicated either directly or indirectly is, "Trust Jesus and you will be happy and healthy." If you know anything about my life or have read this blog, you will know I am not healthy physically and have struggled with mental health in my life as well, so that clearly isn't a true picture of Christianity.

God's word doesn't promise us health or wealth, at least not the earthly defined type. He does tell us that He is with those who love Him. He comforts us, petitions God the Father on our behalf, gives us His Spirit to guide and strengthen us, and leaves us his Word to give us peace. Christ knows my pain. He shares in our sufferings. He suffered unimaginable pain while hanging on a cross, dying, bearing the weight of my sin. He took my place then, so that I might have life everlasting. On that day, I will know what true health and wealth is. Between now and then, I will keep clinging to my Savior, trusting Him to continue to heal my heart. He is teaching me to love and forgive others as He loves and forgives me. If you haven't trusted Christ, asked Him to forgive you, and placed your faith in him, my friend, please cry out to Him today. He won't take away all the pain instantly, but He will see you through it. 

The early years of my life were marked by trauma, grief and loss. The later years have been marked by grace, healing, and restoration. Praise be to God!


Until Next Time~

Shari

P.S. In case you missed the posts about my childhood and early adulthood.

It Could Have Been Me

 I will start simply by saying this is my personal story, and I am not trying to speak about any specific shooting incidents. I have thought about writing this many times over the last couple of years (every time there is another school shooting in particular).

Things were very different in the 1970's when I was in grade school, or the 80's when I was in junior and senior high school. I have joked many times that I am thankful that social media didn't exist then, because it surely would have documented some of my dangerous, illegal, and stupid activities as a youth. It is not funny, however, to think about how much social media impacts our children's mental health today. Growing up was hard enough before computers. I cannot imagine the pressures the internet brings, but I can tell you my story.

My parents divorced when I was 7 years old. I don't remember much from when my dad lived with us, but have a few unpleasant memories of his harshness and abuse. I have tried to understand how I could have been such a "daddy's little girl" to someone like my father. Maybe I wanted to win him over, assuming things would be better if I just loved him more. Whatever the reason, despite the dysfunctional relationship, I was devastated when he left. My siblings were 17 and 19 at this time, and one was in college and the other in the Navy, so I felt alone. My mother and I were on our own for most of my young life. 

I was always super shy and quiet. The kind of shyness that makes you hide behind a parent and causes you to stare at the ground when a stranger acknowledges you. I was pretty independent at a young age. I walked by myself to and from school with a key on a piece of yarn around my neck (literally a latchkey kid). I am not sure if it was nature, nurture or a combination of both, but I felt responsible for other people, especially my mother. I still have a natural bent towards trying to help others, and feeling bad when I can't fix things, but I also remember lots of incidents of my mother telling me that she would die if I left her. Sometimes she would say I was the only thing keeping her from killing herself, and I bore that burden, as well as my own, for many years, 

In first grade, I saw the school social worker to help me talk about the troubles at home, the divorce, and the lack of my father's involvement in my life. A doctor put me on phenobarbital (a strong barbiturate) for a "nervous stomach" that year. Looking back, I would definitely diagnose myself with depression and anxiety. I was the smallest person in my class for several years, and remained one of the smallest through middle school. Being small and shy, you might imagine how it could be a recipe for being picked on. I was bullied a lot through grade school, and it got worse in middle school, especially as my peers learned I lived in subsidized apartments. 

It is really hard to explain in a few paragraphs, but I was traumatized by our family situation, and the bullying was relentless. I was broken. Besides the school social worker and the barbiturates, there was really no other help. Counseling wasn't really a thing back then (or at least it wasn't offered to me). My mother did her best, but she was also dealing with depression (or not dealing with it would be more accurate). So from a very young age, I was exposed to a dysfunctional home life, then felt the pain of divorce and subsequent abandonment. Finally, the bullying at school added the final ingredient to the recipe that shaped who I was.

I came home and cried almost every day for years. During high school, the crying was accompanied by a constant request that we move somewhere else and start over. I know now that moving would not have fixed the problem, but it sounded like a great idea as an adolescent. I wanted to die, although I never actually told anyone that. I was also a VERY angry person. I was mad at my dad for leaving and for the kids at school who were vicious. I spent many hours planning how I would run my dad over if I ever saw him again. I daydreamed about hurting him like he hurt me. I wanted to be liked, and pushed myself to exhaustion to be "perfect" so the bullying would stop, and I would have friends. With the anger being pushed down, and the constant striving to do better, and yet always falling short, I was a power keg waiting to blow. By high school, I was ready to fight any one, any time, for any reason.

When I finally got counseling in my early 20's, our counselor said he wasn't surprised I hadn't snapped and killed someone in a fit of rage. He wasn't wrong. I would have done anything to make the pain stop; to end the bullying. If social media and round the clock world news would have been available to give me ideas on how to go about taking care of my problem, I very well might have made it on the 6 o-clock news, and not for good reasons. When I hear of another school shooting, I can't help but think "there but by the grace of God go I." I never really wanted to hurt someone else, as much as I wanted others to feel the pain I felt. I wanted the pain I felt to stop. I can clearly see now that hurting myself or others would not "fix" me, but as a child or adolescent, whose mind isn't fully developed, it seems logical in the midst of the deep psychological pain.

Some of you might think you aren't capable of that kind of evil, or would never hurt someone else. Others would say you have never felt pain like I am trying to describe, and so you can't believe you do something that drastic. When I hear people speak of the shooters as "a monster" or "pure evil", I can't help but think defining them as different from ourselves makes us feel better somehow. I can imagine the pain and mental anguish that leads a person to consider doing anything to make it stop. Each case is unique, and I am not speaking of a certain person here, but not everyone who commits a mass shooting is a psychopath. In fact, when I say that it could have been me, I believe we all are capable of hurting other people. I know I was. 

We are all capable of doing things we would call "evil". No one likes to admit it, and many of us might find it impossible to believe. 

Have you ever wished someone would "get what's coming to them?" 

When a reckless driver weaves in and out of traffic, coming dangerously close to your car, do you think he ought to wrap that car around a light pole? 

Have you been glad when someone you dislike goes through something terrible? Would you smile as you say "karma's a bitch"? 

I think if we would be completely honest with ourselves, we would admit that we have all had thoughts like these. Occasionally the groundwork has been laid in such a way, that a person actually follows through with some of those thoughts. 

The Bible is clear that the hearts of men are "deceitful above all things, and desperately sick" (Jeremiah 17:9). Without the grace of God, and the transforming power of the Holy Spirit, I shudder to think about who I would be today. I hope we can all pause, and instead of passing judgement on others, begin to pray for those who are hurting. Reach out to people in our neighborhood and community. Maybe we can all be a little slower to pass judgment and a little more intentional about looking for ways we might help.

May we be faithful in getting to know those around us, loving them, letting them know we are here for them. I wish someone would have been there for me in my youth. I am so thankful that Jesus Christ has changed my heart, saving me from who I could have been, and opened my eyes to the truth. 

Until Next Time~

Shari

P.S.

This may be the first time I have done this, but I wanted to add a couple of things now that I have had a couple of days to think more about this.

1. Not having a gun did not stop me from thinking of ways to use my vehicle, a knife, thinking of ways I could make it look like an accident, etc. Any one with this much hate and pain won't be stopped by lack of a weapon, but also...

2. My personality (I am ISTJ and an enneagram 1w9) is such that law and order make the world make sense to me. That combined with my family life/training made me highly sensitive to "right and wrong". I was eager to do the right thing, be perfect, make people like me, that if I ever would have followed through on my evil thoughts, I think the counselor may have been closer to the truth when he told me that in a fit of blind rage, he thought I would hurt someone. He went on to say that it would likely have been an "innocent bystander who took my parking spot" and not the people whom I actually hated and wanted to hurt. 

3. Many children have difficult/abusive family situations like I did. It most definitely impacts a child, but personality types and teaching they receive all make a difference in the result. A good home life isn't always a recipe for a well-adjusted child, like a bad home life doesn't always result in a bad outcome. it is messy and complicated. Over the years, there were teachers, karate instructors, and police officers in my life that stepped in and really made a difference. Go, be that person to someone else!

I just thought I would clarify some of the how/why of what never ended up happening in my life. I am SO incredibly thankful that I sought help before any of those things happened, or my life would look much different now!

Daily Absence

 Imagine that your elderly mother's birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks and you have the bright idea to plan a surprise birthday party for her. Within minutes, your brain is whirring with to-do lists and plans. You sit down the first chance you get and make a list of guests. Over the next few days you are super busy as you begin squeezing in the party planning along with all your regular activities. You realize you haven't talked to your mom in several days, which is unusual, but you brush that guilt aside because you are busy. You are SO excited and it will be great to spend the day with her on her birthday-- besides you are horrible at keeping a secret and don't want to say anything to ruin the surprise.

Two weeks fly right by and the house is decorated to perfection. Guests start to arrive, and you feel nervous butterflies in your stomach because you want so badly to please your mom and make this day a success. As people start to mingle, you just can't shake the feeling that you forgot something, and it starts to gnaw at you. Within a couple of minutes you realize what the problem is...you forgot to invite your mother. 

The guest of honor isn't there! Embarrassed and guilty, you make excuses and justify how busy you were. Surely you aren't the only one who would have done all of this and forgotten the most important thing. The guests are having a great time. You notice the cheese platter is empty, and before you think about it again, you are back to being a good hostess. As the party winds down, people trickle out and you start the process of cleaning up the party aftermath so you can be ready to get to work tomorrow morning. Just before you head to bed, you call your mom to say "Happy birthday! I love you. Talk to you later. I am very tired. I had a busy day," and hang up the phone just before you drift off to sleep.

Does this all sound ridiculous? Impossible even? I would hope so, yet I fear many of us live our lives just like this when it comes to God. I heard the term "Functional Atheism" many years ago, and it has always stuck in my head. We live busy, independent lives. We go through our day with very little (if any) thought of God, His Word, or prayer. We get things done, run around completing our to-do lists, serving others in God's name, and yet fail to actually include the guest of honor in any of our plans. Basically, we live functionally as though we are atheists, simply planning and doing the tasks we need to do.

Oftentimes I lift my head from a project I have been engrossed in, maybe even frustrated with, and realize that I haven't bothered to pray and ask God for wisdom. In fact, I never even bothered to ask if the task is something I should be doing at all. I lay down to sleep at night, and the thought pops into my head that I should pray, because I "forgot" again today, or didn't have time, only to wake up in the morning and have only a brief memory of a few sentences uttered before I was sound asleep.   When this happens do I spend my morning in prayer? No, to my own shame I do not, but instead I get up and hit the ground running. After all, the dog needs to go out and I am hungry and there is a lot on my to-do list today!

We tend to be driven to God in prayer when bad things happen, and our daily lives are disrupted. The war in Ukraine has been that driver for me the last few days, as reading stories from the people there and seeing the devastation has reminded me how much we need God to intervene. I started to think about those words again: Functional Atheism. Why do I struggle so to be faithful in prayer? God forgive me! I am utterly and completely dependent upon Him for life, light, faith, breath, and, well, EVERYTHING! Yet I continue to rush ahead in my own strength to do all the "good things" I think I should be doing, and all the busy days just keep flying by. May we all be more fully aware of our need for Him. May He graciously increase our desire to spend time with Him, causing us to trust Him more fully.

Until Next Time~

Shari

If I Died Today (What Would My Friends Say?)

 A part of me wishes to remain silent. I wonder if speaking even does any good. Will I just be one more voice among the thousands of voices that will likely only be heard by those who already agree with me? Is there any value in speaking up? I hope so.

After seeing that the term "6%" was trending on Twitter, I looked to see what it was all about. I also quickly found many FB posts regarding the new CDC number breakdowns of all the coronavirus deaths. We have known all along that COVID-19 disproportionately impacts the elderly, people of color, and those with underlying medical conditions (AKA co-morbidity). The numbers did NOT change, but the CDC statistics now clearly show that 6% of the deaths were young, healthy individuals with no underlying medical problems. The other 94% of the deaths involved age and/or health issues; however, the virus is still the reason for their deaths. Heart disease, stroke, diabetes, obesity, and other conditions do make your chances greater for having a serious case of COVID-19, or dying from it. Every one of those deaths was just as much caused by the virus, and every one of those deaths matters!

If I had contracted the coronavirus and died today, my death would be in that 94% bracket, but I MOST definitely died because of the virus. My neurological condition perhaps puts me in a higher risk category than you of serious illness or death from COVID-19, but my disease by itself is not deadly, thus the virus would still be the precipitating event in my untimely death.

If I died today, what would my friends say? Sadly based on social media, I think many would say she was "older" and "sick" so she wasn't worth shutting down an economy or wearing a mask. Others would blame the people who are out having parties, not wearing masks, and "don't care about others." Neither would be accurate, but I see both views on display every day.

The division in our country causes me so much heartache, and I find myself in tears this morning. Sometimes all this bickering is exhausting, and it saddens me to see fellow Christian sharing memes of "sheeple" instead of the gospel. I will continue to pour my heart out to God, but would you join me? May He show us all mercy, and help us to love our neighbor as ourselves. Christian brothers and sisters who say ALL lives matter, surely each and every soul lost to this virus, regardless of any preexisting condition, is a tragedy, most especially those who die apart from Christ.

How did we become such a polarized and hate-filled nation? I ask myself what part have I played? Maybe you are willing to ask yourself the same thing?

The facts and truth are harder than ever to discern. As an example, the CDC was once a nonpartisan organization that presented the medical and scientific facts to educate the public. It has recently become more political, changing policy due to politics rather than science.It should concern us ALL that any group/organization/company would only speak along party lines, never listening to the other side. We must be vigilant and discerning, my dear friends!

While we live in an age of information overload, the truth gets lost in a sea of rhetoric and misinformation, but we have a duty to speak and defend the truth. Especially as a Christian, I know the importance of studying and searching to uncover the truth, being slow to rush to judgment or point fingers. May God help us all to listen, discern, and seek the truth! May it start with me. May God give wisdom and humility freely to all who ask, as they are both much needed!

You who are angry and tired of fighting in the midst of injustice and inequity. I hear you and I see you. Would you share your personal experience and pain you have felt from racism with me? Would you allow me to share my concerns and fears as well? Can we move forward together, giving each other grace to grow and learn?

You are fearful that your rights are being striped away, and the government is taking your freedoms. I hear you and I see you. Would you join me in praying for our nation? Will you tell me what worries you the most? Can I share with you how hot and uncomfortable wearing a mask is, but also explain how it can help protect me, and makes me feel like you care for me? Might we come together in our love for Christ and one another, extending grace as we grow and learn? 

Please don't turn a deaf ear to your neighbor! Maybe we can all agree that these are difficult times! We must be slow to anger, slow speak, and quick to listen. Seek the facts, and the science, and then filter them all through the Scriptures. Be willing to hear the pain and stories of others, showing compassion. Turn off the news/social media and go start a dialogue with your neighbors. Each of us has differing views, unique experiences, and contrasting cultural backgrounds, yet we might all find unity in Christ, and I pray that we will. 

Until Next Time~

Shari

P.S. If you made it this far in reading my post, please pray for our upcoming trip back to Mayo Clinic September 8-10. Will post some updates afterwards!

Shattered Comfort

What can I say about the start of 2020 that you haven't already been made aware? Global pandemic, protests, riots, and SO much political bickering it has, quite frankly, become depressing to be on social media at all. Who could have ever predicted that asking to wear a mask would become a political divide? I am not a theologian, politician, or historian. I am a suburban, white, Christian (reformed), woman with a disability, who feels a bit like giving up. What that means exactly, I haven't quite figured out, but what was once my comfortable little corner of the world, now seems disquieted.

Racism has been the topic most recently dividing my social media newsfeed into an "us" and "them." There seems to be no end to those divisive words thrown about on any given topic. I have just been shook from my comfortable suburban life these past few months, which is a good thing. I have said before that my prayer, my desire, is that God might show me areas in my life where my thinking has been wrong. That I might never get too "comfortable" thinking I have it all figured out. I pray He would reveal to me those hard to see personal sins and my lack of concern and compassion. Give wisdom in areas of ignorance, and grace to change wrong beliefs. Lately, I have prayed for forgiveness in turning a blind eye. So easy to get wrapped up in ourselves, our family, our problems, and forget there are others.

I am sure we all have our favorite spot to sit and read, or that well-worn seat where we wrap ourselves in a blanket and binge watch our favorite show. We have our routines. Each family settles into their "normal" busy lives. We get very comfortable there, don't we? There is a sense in which we think that other people's lives look much the same....or maybe we don't think of their lives at all.

I have noticed the defensive posture many of us take on social media (a posture we may not be so bold in maintaining if we were face to face). Someone calls mask-wearers sheep, or non-mask-wearers are heartless people who don't care if they infect others. It is hard not to put up your shield when approached in such a strong way. We may feel the posts on racism don't include us. Our comfortable live is shaken thinking about some of these issues. And it should be!

If our first thought on any issue is to indignantly reply, "Not me!" instead of taking a close and honest look at our lives and hearts, we have chosen a prideful and dangerous response. I have learned so much about the virus, studied medical journals, read peer-reviewed studies, learned about COVID-19 as the doctors around the world are learning about it. I have also read YOUR posts, both sides of the debate, and then I have tried to form my own (hopefully wise) opinions. BUT I hold that all loosely! So much is still unknown about this new virus. I cannot dogmatically hold firm to what I believed 2 months ago, because new information is coming in that changes that. I must be willing to learn and change also.

The same is true of the recent talks of racism and the Black Lives Matter movement. I have learned more in the last few weeks about black history, reading personal stories from people of color, and have more fully realized that all of our experiences are NOT the same. We do not all have the comfortable suburban life. We do not all have the same struggles or opportunities. I do not think all white people are racist. I do think all people of all colors need to be willing to learn and listen. If someone accuses you of being a racist, I understand the tendency to assume the defensive posture. No one thinks of themselves as a bigot, but we do all have biases. We all have difference experiences/backgrounds which shape our worldview. We must begin to understand that our lives, in fact, do NOT all look the same on a day to day basis.

This hasn't been on the news much if at all, but there have definitely been other forms of discrimination made clear to me these past few months as well. Ageism and Ableism.

Ageism: "Ageism is the stereotyping and discrimination of individuals or groups on the basis of their age; ageism can take many forms, including prejudicial attitudes, discriminatory practices or institutional policies that perpetuate stereotypical beliefs." (source World Health Organization)

Ableism: "Ableism is the discrimination of and social prejudice against people with disabilities based on the belief that typical abilities are superior. At its heart, ableism is rooted in the assumption that people require 'fixing' and defines people by their disability. Like racist and sexism, ableism classifies entire groups of people as 'less than,' and includes harmful stereotypes, misconceptions, and generalizations of people with disabilities."

(source accessliving.org)

I am saddened to see how hard hit nursing homes and group homes for individuals with disabilities have been hit. To be clear, these are not the expensive, private homes that you may see in the upper-middle class neighborhoods. These are the state and federally funded homes that Medicare covers. Places like my grandmother lived. I remember the horrible smell, and the patients left sitting alone in the hallway. Others wandering around half dressed, and seemingly uncared for. We only went to visit her a few times. Our society doesn't place a whole lot of value on the "old" or the "infirmed". If you can't contribute or produce, you don't have much value. That may seem harsh, maybe you feel that impulse to assume a defensive stance. You may not feel that way about your own mother, but that doesn't mean you aren't ageist, much the same as having a black friend doesn't mean you aren't racist. 

People with disabilities are an often overlooked and neglected group as well. Homes like I mentioned above are frequently places of abuse. The National Institutes of Health estimates 1 in 10 are abused in settings like this. Are you aware of this? Recently a man who was living in a care home like this was allowed to die of COVID without treatment, because doctors deemed his quality of life not worth saving.

I have personally experienced ableism (and sexism, but that is a story for a different day!). The ableist says things like: "Such a shame, you're too young to be stuck in that chair" or "I would want to kill myself if I had to deal with what you are going through." (real life examples)

Sometimes it is blatantly obvious, other times it is more subtle. Maybe just a superior attitude of "I can do it better/easier" or condescending "you poor thing." People talk to me like I am 3 years old sometimes, "Look at you, doing that all by yourself." It is more than just words, but again, a systemic problem. Society as a whole does not give any thought to people who are not the same as them. In this case, not the color of my skin, but the ability of my body. Could be missing limbs, or paralysis. Might be a developmental issue or genetic disease that cause you to move, act, speak differently or not at all. Maybe you are deaf or hard of hearing. The world around us is built by and for people who look and move a certain way....."normal."

I have not counted, but conservatively half of the places I go have accessibility issues. Even places that have been made by laws to add an accessible bathroom, block the hallway with chairs or boxes. The worst is all the hospitals and doctors that have step-on garbage cans in the accessible bathroom (I have mentioned this issue before). Recently I had a test done at a local hospital and the bathroom in the room had the handicapped accessible plaque. Unfortunately, it was an old surgical room turned into the testing site, and the sink only had step-on (foot controlled) water. I can stand, but am not stable. Just trying to balance on one foot to step on something to wash my hands is very difficult, and puts me at risk for falling. Others may not have use of their legs, and would be unable to clean up after using the bathroom. I came out after my ordeal, and mentioned to the tech about the foot pedals not being accessible, and they should fix the bathroom to be ADA compliant or removed their sign. Her response is an example of ableism. 

She replied, "It has a grab bar, so that makes it accessible."

Me, "No, much more is needed for a bathroom to be accessible. If I have no use of my legs, how do I wash my hands?"

She thought for a minute and said, "Maybe the person who hung the sign didn't think about someone having legs that don't work, do you think that's it?"

me *blink* *blink* "Yeah, I think that's it."

This seems like a battle I can't win. Maybe you think that ignorance doesn't mean you are ableist. Maybe you are right. Maybe you are wrong. My main point about all of this is that we don't need to attend a white nationalist rally to be racist, or knock little old ladies down in the street to ageist. We need to open our eyes to see the differences around us (color/race, age, sex, ability, etc.), acknowledge and honor those differences. Recognize that when you say "all lives matter" it doesn't excuse ignorance of the situation. All people's lives do matter. Absolutely! And because they do, they are worth our time to get to know, to learn about their struggles, to love, and to treat like a fellow human being. Stop using terms like "us" and "them" and start seeing all of us and "we."

So far, 2020 has been the perfect storm in a sense. Isolation during the shutdown. Perhaps fear of the virus, or for loss of liberty. The nation watched George Floyd being killed, and the desire for justice gave way to protests and riots. We all want to be heard and seen. Take some time to learn about people that are different from you, if all our lives matter.

It is so easy to stay in our comfortable corners of the world, and pay little attention to things that don't impact us. Lately I feel shaken, broken even. There is SO much injustice, so much passing the blame, so little self-reflection. 

So, I pray. 

I pray for myself. May my eyes continued to be open, and may God show me how to contribute in a meaningful way. May He continue to guard my tongue, helping me to respond in love to people who show me ableist attitudes. I pray He helps me to truly see and hear the people created in His image; to love them as He loved me.

I pray for all of you also. May each of you set down your shield, and be willing to read things from the other person's perspective. May we all compare these things to God's word, being willing to grow, change, and repent in areas where needed. May we seek to reconcile and love those across the divide. 

I pray for the US, that we might not just go back to our comfortable pre-pandemic lives, and forget all that 2020 has revealed to us. May God be glorified in our lives, and throughout the world!

Until Next Time~
Shari

We're Not Crazy

By now, unless you live in a cave, you have surely heard of the COVID-19 "novel coronavirus". The divide in America that I have mentioned before, is now focused on the virus instead of politics, but it still gets ugly very quickly! So, whenever I have a lot of thoughts gathering in my brain, I blog about them. I thought I would add my non-medical two cents worth to this whole ordeal (aren't you lucky).

1. "Panic Buying" - Stores are relatively empty of virtually all kinds of grocery items, and definitely out of hand sanitizer, face masks and toilet paper by now. My first point that we should consider, is that people are SCARED. This fear reveals the worst of humanity, the total depravity of man shows itself clearly as shoppers fight over toilet paper. Please pause and consider the shopper behind you who may not be able to get basic supplies they need for survival. If you weren't concerned about the virus at all, you may now be worried about the lack of food, and resulting ripples throughout the economy.

If you have seen people shopping with masks and gloves, it is not always because of fear. Slowing the spread of the virus is not just to protect yourself. There are individuals that are at greater risk for contracting the illness. Some must wear masks to protect themselves or their children, so please be kind. It is so easy to laugh and think they are being ridiculous, like this mother who experienced shaming as she shopped for her family.

This is an opportunity for the body of Christ to reach out with the only message that can calm a soul, the healing balm of the Gospel. As a Christian, I should be wise, educate myself about the virus, be considerate of others and try not to spread the virus. I should recognize this fear, be understanding, listen, and spread the love of Christ instead. Hopefully we can all give consideration to others, and share some of our excess supplies with those who may have very little.

Another thing to consider about the excessive hoarding is the fact there are people with compromised immune systems that need some of the items that were bought in large quantity in the early days. (Read this article for a personal perspective). This leads to my next point....


2. "Price Gouging" - The market generally allows manufacturers and store owners to recognize demand for certain items. They lower prices to help get things sold that aren't selling (think clearance racks). They raise prices to slow sales when items are flying off shelves, while they increase production. Times like this bring out the greed in our society. Some people in an effort to make a lot of money, bought supplies so they could turn around and sell them for a huge profit. (This guy is stuck with 17,700 bottles of hand sanitizer) Again, this is our opportunity to share with those in need.

Under this heading, while I mentioned greed, I thought I could add the fact that almost immediately scams popped up regarding the virus. Selling useless/fake products, including offers of cures and vaccines. Please check for the facts from a reliable source like the Centers for Disease Control (CDC)


3. "Down Playing the Seriousness" - If you aren't concerned about the virus at all, then I think you need to read more about it. It is new, which is why it is called "novel". A couple months ago, they knew nothing about the virus. As experts try to learn quickly, they offer the best practices from the data they have received. I have seen many posts about people overreacting for no reason, or the flu killing more people each year. This virus doesn't have a year's worth of data. As far as all the closures being an overreaction, I would say they are not. Italy is literally choosing which patients get to use the available medical equipment (like ventilators) and which ones die. The US response is meant to slow or stop the spread of the virus so that it does not overwhelm the medical system. The virus is deadly, and while you might be young and healthy with mild symptoms, you can still spread it to others for whom it may be life threatening. To these people, this is a very big deal!

As a side note, please know that even if the virus doesn't end up affecting millions of people does NOT mean it was no big deal! It does mean that all the actions taken (closing businesses/schools, social distancing, washing your hands, etc) DID work, and the disease was starved of hosts. We should be thankful for that and not smug that you were right.

You may have also seen ageism and ableism rear it's ugly head with subtle comments like "it only affects the elderly and sick" or the not so subtle use of the term "the boomer remover" to label the virus. Things like this story are sickening, but again clearly display the sinfulness of man. In the midst of all of this, I hope we can remember that each of us was created in the image of God. As image-bearers, my prayer would be that we might be able to trust Him for our needs; that His Word would bring comfort to our hearts; and His Spirit would prompt us to act in a loving manner towards one another.

Times like these make it clear that none of us are promised tomorrow. The Bible is clear that "today is the day of salvation." So, you should "choose today whom you will serve" and place your faith in Jesus Christ alone for salvation. Believe that Christ died for your sins and was risen to provide eternal life for all who believe. Repent of your sins. Whether you have toilet paper or not, you can trust that God is in control. Life won't be easy, and you might still feel fearful, but you can absolutely trust Jesus and God's Word, and rest in Him. (2 Corinthians 6:2; Joshua 24:14; Mark 1:15)


4. Final reminders - Please, brothers and sisters, check on your neighbors, and help where you can. One thing this whole situation has helped me to see is that I should try to keep a few extra pantry goods, so that when something like this happens we have plenty to share with our neighbors in need. What a beautiful testimony to the unsaved world to be a calm and shining light in times like this! Be safe everyone and together we will get through this.

Until Next Time~
Shari

What Kind of Friend Will I Be?

After a recent conversation with a dear friend of mine, I was left contemplating friendship. It has been a topic on my mind often the last couple of years, as I wondered what constitutes a good friend. The older I get, the more that definition has shifted for me. Several things have altered my thinking over the years. For starters, being married changed how, when, and why I formed and maintained friendships. It also changed the substance of them, since my husband really is my “best friend”.

As a small child, a friend was simply someone to play with. During grade school, friends were someone to talk to, to sit by in class, to have sleepovers with, and to pass notes to in class. By junior and senior high, the circle of close friends became a smaller, tight-knit group. They knew your secrets, your struggles, your crushes, and your likes and dislikes. You trusted them, sometimes with disastrous results.

I was pregnant by my 20th birthday. Being a wife and mother at such a young age probably shifted things for me quicker than most, but friends became a sounding board for life's struggles and demands. My friends were the people I spent hours a week talking to on the phone (before cell phones). We laughed and cried together. We shared special moments and hurtful situations.

At the age of 28, my husband and I became Christians at the same time my health struggles started. Friends became a source of encouragement on top of the above listed things, but over the past 20 years, as I have grown older and learned more about scripture, my definition of friendship has shifted yet again.

Let's take a look at some things the Bible says about friendship:

• "As God's chosen people.....forgive one another.....as the Lord forgave you." (Col 3:12-14)
• Jesus commands: "Love each other as I have loved you." (John 15:12-15)
• "As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another." (Proverbs 27:17)
• A friend "loves at all times." (Proverbs 17:17)
• Only wound us in ways that are trustworthy. (i.e., tough love; Proverbs 27:6)
• Are more loyal than family at times (Proverbs 18:24)
• Provide mutual edification (Proverbs 27:17)
• Impart wisdom to one another (Proverbs 13:20)
• Friends may even sacrifice themselves for us (John 15:13)
• We should be compassionate, kind, humble, meek, patient, forgiving, living at peace with one another, loving, and thankful (Colossians 3:13-15)
• Friends also teach one another and worship God together (Colossians 3:16).

John 15:12-15 describes Jesus, the truest friend of all, "This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command you. No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you."

Friends love one another with sacrificial love. Friends know each other well and promote one another's welfare. Does this describe the type of friend I was or had when I was younger? No.

Frequently friendships were filled with petty arguments, envy, strife, fighting, selfishness, and gossip. Many of my friendships were "one-sided" where either I or the other person gave more and tried harder to keep the relationship going, not out of love and service but from a place of longing to be accepted.

Friendship has been on my mind the last couple of years for a few reasons. First, as my health gets worse and I struggle more to get out and do things, I have thought about how to nurture friendships while still taking care of myself. It seems more difficult to maintain that closeness when I have to cancel so many plans. Secondly, when we had to switch churches a couple of years ago, it was difficult to get plugged in at the new church. This is hampered again by health issues. I cannot be there every time the doors are open like we once were. I am no longer the "do-er" that signs up to serve, clean, help, or whatever all the time. Lastly, many people have talked to me about feeling disconnected at their churches, or not having friends and community at church. I began to ponder how we can all assemble at church week after week, and yet feel lonely. I questioned what I wanted out of a friendship. What did I expect from my friends? Did I give others the same things I felt that I wanted? How can we stop being lonely in a crowd of fellow believers?


Well, I am sorry to report that I don't have all the answers. I have been thinking about all of this for the last couple of years though, and thought I'd share what has been rattling around in my brain lately. I admit that not everyone struggles in the same way I do, so perhaps not all of this will ring true for you. Younger me craved acceptance and looked at friends as someone to please so that they would love me. Friendship was a form of idolatry, something I deeply wanted, expecting it to fill a dark whole in my life. As years passed and I slowly learned that friends let you down, can't be trusted with secrets, and turn against you in a heartbeat, I started to change my views. I convinced myself I didn't need people, and I selfishly started looking for friends to meet my needs, giving little in return.

As a young Christian, a couple of close, trustworthy friends emerged, but even then our conversations with often ungodly. Complaining and gossiping about people or church, focusing on the ways our husbands were failing, or whining about our children's misdeeds. Slowly conviction crept into my heart as I studied God's word more. Truly Proverbs 10:19 "When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is wise" was very true. Maybe spending hours on the phone with friends was unwise? Thus began the another shift for me.

More growth in this area and I struggled to find friends who would be an encouragement, find joy in God's Word together, call me out when I sinned, and who fit the description of the things on the list above. That is when God started to speak to my heart: I need to be that person! I should be looking for those attributes in myself, not others. I was still setting my expectations too high, and expecting others to meet my needs. I think that missed the whole point of friendship. Friendship starts with being that loyal friend that scripture speaks of. Do I encourage others? Have I lovingly called someone out on their sins or challenged them? Do I pray for them and with them? How can I expect others to be what I myself fail to be? Do I look to a friend to provide something that is fulfilled in Jesus, who loves perfectly, is faithful, and knows our needs?

I am no Bible scholar, but from what I know about scripture, it doesn't tell us to choose friends that will meet our needs, or be fun to hang out with. Friendship is not about us. It isn't about getting what we want or need. Friendship should flow out of the love we have for God into the lives of others. Our Christian walk is one of self-denial, love for others, and service. As popular culture likes to say "be the change you want to see." Friendship isn't just a choice we make consciously, as if we have the power in ourselves to love others, but really because God first loved us, His Spirit and love compel us to love others. God is love (1 John 4:7), and what better foundation to build a friendship upon than our unity in Christ!

My prayer for you and me as that God would keep working in our hearts to make us a friend like Jesus, one willing to lay down our lives for our friends. I think you will find as you start become this kind of friend to others, you will look up one day and realize you have a community of true friends around you, and these relationships will be healthy, godly and bring glory to our Lord!

Merry Christmas to you all! May we all be better friends in 2020!

~Until Next Time
Shari

Opening A Can of Worms

I have hesitated writing about this particular subject, but now that I am a couple years out from the event, and with my current observations, I decided it was time. An alternative title might be "Grace and Education" since that is my hope....to educate, but also to extend grace to myself and others as we learn.

I have frequently pointed out issues to my friends that I have experienced as my disability has progressed. One example would be my disdain of the step-on garbage cans in handicapped bathrooms. HOW is someone in a wheelchair (or with no balance, no legs, or whatever) supposed to step on the foot pedal and open the garbage can to toss out the paper towels??? There are dozens of things like this that I have figured out as I go. I put these items in the category of "you don't know until you know". Nobody has a reason to think through all the scenarios that could arise, nor would we be able to think of ALL the possible differences, before we plan, design, or implement an idea. But, for the one person for whom the problem exists, it is a trouble spot. I run into these dilemmas many times a day.

I have tried to remember to extend grace to others, because I do know people want to help. People have generally responded well when I point out problem areas (although most of them don't change when I visit the location again). I am not a dogmatic disability activist, but I would like to lovingly help others to think through things they don't know until they know.

One of the things I have noticed as my disability has become more visible, is the look of pity that I get. I am sure most people don't even know they are doing it, but it is obvious when you're on the receiving end. Recently, I have ventured out alone to some stores, now that I have a van and am a little more independent. Times like these are when I notice the pity look the most. People rush over to hold doors, clear aisles, and the like, all while their face (and sometimes even their mouths) say "awww, poor thing." I am stubbornly independent, but I am also in pain, and starting to have trouble with my arm and hand strength so, in many ways, I am just thankful someone opened the door, or cleared the path, so I didn't have to struggle so much. However, there are many (perhaps even the majority) of people with a disability who are strong, capable, and independent. We do not need or want your pity, even when we could use your help. If I can turn this post into a learning experience, then the first lesson is that you should ask someone if they would like help. You wouldn't rush over to a able-bodied person, and grab the door out of their hand to open it the rest of the way, so don't do it to a person with a disability.

Basically, just treat all people the same. Easy peasy! Okay, not really. Everything we do is tainted by sin. Even our best efforts to help others are mixed with wrong motives. Many times I get the "pity look" as someone opens the door for me, and it is quickly followed by this look (or sometimes an explanation to a child) that says "I am so awesome for helping the poor, crippled woman." I try not to be oversensitive, or read things into a situation that aren't there. The truth is my response is tainted by that same sin nature. This all reminds me of an article I posted on FB a few years ago about "volun-tourism". We travel to a third world country, hug some orphans, hand out water and candy, build a home, and go on safari. It was pointing out our tendency to use a missions trip as a photo op. We go back home a week later with great photos and feeling good about ourselves for "helping those poor people". I have done this too, but we quickly go right back to our American life of excess, and the other people we just thought we "helped" have not had any actual change in circumstances.

(More useful tips and disability etiquette links are listed below. In addition, I added some info about the trend in volun-tourism, since they explain the issue much better than I do. Please take a few minutes and browse some of the highlights!)

This segue brings me to the story I haven't talked about. A few years ago, my husband and I attended a camp aimed at families who have a member with special needs. In a lot of ways, we probably went there with the volun-tourism mentality. We were going to go serve the families struggling with the pressures of dealing with special needs. We learned a lot about disability etiquette there for the first time. As a person with a disability, I was overwhelmed seeing families embraced, loved, and served by many volunteers. I wrote about my experience, and my growing pains, as God revealed ugly truths in my own heart. It was painful, and wonderful, all at the same time. This was also a week of learning to extend grace. If you know me, you know my middle name is Organization. Dealing with a dis-ability is not as hard for me as dealing with dis-organization. That old post shows how I struggled to find a spot to serve, or to help without making it about me. By the end of that week, I felt I had found my niche, and for the first time felt that I could be useful despite my disability. And then....

A year later we signed up to serve again, but we would end up never going back. Turns out that even an organization built on serving families with disability has trouble doing the one thing they talk about a lot: co-laboring. They are absolutely wonderful at making families feel loved and welcomed. Many of these families think this camp is the best week of the year, and we need more places like this! The trouble is that there is still a disconnect when it comes to the able-bodied people helping dis-abled people (or differently-abled, if you prefer).

Like any week of service or missions, we show up expecting to help and bless the less fortunate. Even if we don't want to think or talk about it, it shows in our faces, actions, words. When we went to sign back up to serve again at this camp, there were issues, many that I will not discuss publicly, but the one I will talk about is the fact that they asked me to return as a camper, not a volunteer. It was brought up that we could come as a family and be served, and relax for the week.

While this was super heartbreaking for me, because it was the one place I actually felt useful, but I don't bring this story up for that reason. I want to talk more about our tendency as humans to help others to feel good about ourselves, instead of helping people who need/want our help. It is not wrong to open a door for someone, but honestly, do you do that for everyone, or deep down do you think the person with a disability needs you to do it? Basically, I am asking you to truthfully evaluate if you treat people the same. This requires some soul searching and brutal honesty with yourself. I would venture to say that we all do this very thing. Whether it is physical, or intellectual, there are areas in our lives that we feel superior, even if that is not a thing we would say to someone. We have those moments of thinking we could do something faster, or figure something out better, than someone else.

What it boils down to actually, is the fact that we all need to be more aware of our motives, our sin, and remember that we all have strengths and weaknesses, but none of us wants someone else rushing over to "fix" our problem. We can come together, find a place where we can work shoulder to shoulder, utilizing each other's God-given strengths, and do so to the glory of God.

Missions and service projects are fantastic, and I am not trying to say to not do them. My point is more about really learning to co-labor, whether it is in the disabled community, or a village in Africa. Ask how or what you can do to help, and roll up your sleeves, side-by-side with the others, and work together. I want you to serve, but I mostly want you to understand that a week at a camp may not be the best way. Only you can prayerfully decide how and where to spend your time and gifts, but be intentional and educate yourselves before you do.

I am thinking of the old saying:

Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you feed him for a lifetime.

In order to truly do that though, you have to be willing to talk and listen. Find the areas in an individual's life where they could use your giftings, and show up. Opening a door for me at Kohl's might be just fine, but maybe what I really need is help with shopping. A meal might be great, but I may have a refrigerator full of food, and a dozen loads of dirty laundry. This type of service and love involves more. More knowledge, more love, more dying to your own interests, and looking more to the interest of others. It is not about feeling good about yourself, but about laying your life down in service to another. This all takes lots of grace, love, and forgiveness. It also takes time to educate yourselves. (Please check out some of the resources listed below)

I will finish with these words from Philippians 2:1-8:

"So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men.   And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross."

Until Next Time~
Shari


Resources:

Disability-

1. "Interacting With People With Disabilities"
2.  Etiquette and Language Tips
3. "Introduction to Disability Etiquette" 

Volun-tourism-

1. "The Reality of Voluntourism"
2. "The Business of Voluntourism"
3. "As Voluntourism Explodes In Popularity, Who Is It Helping The Most?"

(Please note this links are to outside resources, and all the information/views are not mine, but are provided here to educate you more on this topics.)

Ignoring The Warning Signs

Sometimes you know that you have a problem. Maybe you are too busy to deal with it. You might not want to face the problem (denial- it ain't just a river in Egypt!). You could even be dealing with another bigger problem, and choose to ignore the warning signs. I am an endless supply of prayer requests, and am always dealing with multiple issues. Sometimes, it feels like the more I pray for relief, the more new things pop up!

I had been feeling the stomach discomfort, and knew I was taking more NSAIDS recently to help with pain. I have had an ulcer in the past (twice actually) from steroids and ibuprofen usage, so I know what the signs are. I was aware enough that there was a problem, that I started taking over the counter stomach meds, but honestly, I didn't want to think about one more problem.....so I didn't. Sometimes, you ignore the warning signs until you are doubled over in pain after every meal, and it refuses to be ignored any longer.

Doctors now have me on a stronger, prescription medication for a gastric ulcer, and I am adjusting my diet to help also. I was left with no other option, than to accept the fact that I could no longer ignore the symptoms. Choosing to overlook little "problems" can often be life-threatening. An ulcer, if ignored long term, can grow larger until it literally eats a whole in your stomach, and you could die. A medical condition that is very common, and usually benign, over time becomes a very serious issue.

Our lives are all like this. We ignore signs, especially when the problem seems small, and easy to overlook. We convince ourselves it isn't a big deal, or we will deal with it at a more convenient time. Sin is the same way. We can let ourselves off the hook regarding our thoughts, words or deeds. We make excuses or convince ourselves it won't happen again. Eventually, that unchecked sin can becoming life-threatening. The Bible tells us that all of us sin, but did you know that your conscious can become so dull, that you no longer feel the gnawing pain of your sin? Your heart becomes callous, with repeated sin, like hands that are submitted to daily hard work. Eventually it fails to cause us pain any longer, and therefore we fail to take notice and rectify the problem.

Some of you might be tired of my constant reminders of our sin. Our need to repent, and turn to Christ alone for salvation, but what is more loving? Should we let our loved ones just fly passed all the clear warning signs, when we know the bridge is out ahead, and they are heading for disaster? Of course not! If we could help a friend or family member to accept and deal with a difficult issue, before it becomes life-threatening, we most certainly would! God's word is clear that sin will result in death. Not just the physical death that we all with face, but spiritual death- left dead in our sins, being eternally separated from God in hell, where there is no longer any hope for salvation.

Don't ignore that gnawing pain in your gut, my friends. It was put there to awaken you from your spiritual slumber, and cause you to see the deadly consequences of your sin. Go straight the Thy Great Physician, God Himself, in faith, and repent today so your healing may be complete. 💜

Until Next Time~
Shari

Is There Something In My Teeth?

Have you ever come home after a day out, and realized you had food in your teeth (or maybe it was toilet paper stuck to your shoe, a spot on your shirt, or something in your nose)?

You immediately start to wonder:

How long it has been there? 

Who saw it? 

Why didn't anyone tell me!?!?! 

You may feel embarrassed or ashamed. It might make you more vigilant on your next outing, so you double check to be sure it doesn't happen again.

This has happened to me. More than once actually. We confidently walk around a party, meet new people, and enjoy the company of old friends, all the while unaware of the leftover meal protruding from our smile. It is blatantly obvious to everyone else around us, yet we remain blissfully ignorant. People might turn away from us, or stop talking to us because they are uncomfortable, offended or grossed out. Some may talk about us to the other party goers. A few may bravely whisper in our ear, and help us avoid further embarrassment.

Once we become aware of the food in our teeth, we would likely hurry to the nearest bathroom, and look into a mirror to examine our teeth.

I was thinking about how this situation is similar to us recognizing our own sin. Or perhaps, our failure to recognize our own sin. We all have sins that we seem unable (unwilling) to see, and yet are on display for all the world to notice. We fail to recognize these sins perhaps because we have hardened our hearts to them, or have excused them as personality traits, or simply bad habits.

Hopefully, we all have friends that would quietly confront the issue with love, rather than walk away and leave us in our current condition. One that would love us enough to overcome their fear of confrontation, talk to us privately, and point us back to Christ in repentance. Matthew 18:15 tells us to do just that.

God's moral laws, the Ten Commandments, act like a mirror for each of us. We look into that mirror, seeing the perfection and holiness of Christ reflected back to us. The mirror shows us our sinfulness; just as the bathroom mirror exposes the specks of food in our teeth.

James 1:23-25 warns us not to just glance into the mirror, then turn, walk away, and promptly forget what we look like. In the same way we would not leave the food in our teeth, and just walk back out of the restroom, and continue to mingle. We need to deal with the problem.

Unlike getting parsley out of our incisors, we cannot simply get all the sin out of our lives. The mirror simply reveals the truth that we all fall far short of God's holy standards. We cannot just "fix" ourselves. However, our good deeds don't earn favor or status in God's kingdom, the way perhaps, a clean smile earns friends at a party.

This quote I just read in the book, The Imperfect Disciple by Jared Wilson, seems to explain this concept fairly well:

"You are more sinful than you realize, but you are also more loved than you know." 

We are hopelessly sinful. The bad news is that we can never be good enough to get to heaven, or earn God's love. The good news is that God so loved the world that He sent his son to die for our sins. God offers us that free gift of grace, through faith in Christ, to all who believe and repent of their sins.

Jesus took our place. He paid the penalty (took our punishment). When we trust in Him alone for our salvation, God sees Christ's perfect reflection when He looks at us, instead of our sinfulness. This is why it is called the "good news". That is what is so amazing about grace, that it is none of us, and all Jesus Christ. (John 3:16; Galatians 3:13-15, 24-26; Romans 5:8, 3:23-25)

Hopefully you have checked the mirror, and don't have anything in your teeth! More importantly, I pray we all look into God's Word, compare ourselves to that standard, and find that we are all lacking. I pray that drives you to Christ, seeking His forgiveness, and placing your trust in him alone.

Until Next Time~
Shari

P.S. The Imperfect Disciple: Grace for People Who Can't Get Their Act Together by Jared C. Wilson, is a wonderful book full of grace for those of us who struggle to see past our sins, and a beautiful reminder of Christ's finished work.

Dark Circles

Have you ever had that feeling like you are about to pass out? Dark circles envelop your vision, blackness closing in. This seems like a decent analogy of my life currently. Darkness seems overwhelming at times, closing in from every side. I feel like I might "pass out" as I lose the light in my vision. The last several years have been difficult (that might be putting it mildly), but this past year has definitely hit an all time low. My health has continued to decline and the accompanying chronic pain has been overwhelming. Medical treatments and side effects are exhausting. I have spent a LOT of time sitting with a heating pad or ice pack, and zoning out in front of a screen. I haven't done much art, or cleaning, or even leaving the house. I have missed a lot of Sunday morning worship services. Due to my accessibility needs, we switched churches in December of 2017, which combined with my recent spotty attendance record, has made it difficult for me to feel connected. I have lost friends, been unable to do things I love, and gained weight. Any one of these things would be enough to deal with, but all together, I feel alone and surround with darkness.

Disability and suffering are often isolating. When I do go out, I put on a smile, and try not to turn every conversation into a gripe fest of how bad I feel. So instead, I try to love others and ask about their lives. Listening is one of the first things I have learned this past year. As I have spent more and more time alone, stuck in the house, and wishing for someone to talk to, I have learned how valuable a listening ear is! In today's electronic world, it is a rarity to find someone that stops, makes eye contact, and actually pays attention. I am SO very thankful for those friends I have that are willing to do this, and hope I can do the same for others.

I have also learned some things (of the not so pleasant variety) about myself. I have put too much worth on friendships, letting hurt creep in when those relationships fell apart. I am reminded of my own words about managing my expectations of others. In truth, I should be seeking Christ. Wanting a deeper fellowship with Him. Going to Him in prayer, and with my concerns, worries, and pain. Not that friends aren't deeply valued! A good friend is a rare jewel. They can rebuke and encourage us. They help carry our burdens. But we must also remember they are sinful humans, just like us. Christ alone is the "friend that sticks closer than a brother" (Proverbs 18:24), and to Him alone should we look to truly fulfill that need for acceptance and love.

Besides feeling super crummy, gaining back a lot of the weight I lost back in 2013-2014 has added to my frustration and encroaching depression. This issue has also got me thinking about my beliefs on weight, self image, and food. Yes, I do feel worse when my clothes don't fit. My blood pressure is high again, so there is a real health concern, but if we get down to the brass tacks, I want to be thin to "look good." Our culture pushes this agenda, and I have bought in hook, line, and sinker!

I have been going through the book Idols of the Heart by Elyse Fitzpatrick again, and there are plenty of idols coming out of my little "idol making factory" as John Calvin describes our hearts. One more lesson to be learned in all of this darkness.

We want what we want. What we shouldn't have for reasons perhaps unknown to us. We desire that which we think will make us happy: friends, thin bodies, perfect health, no pain, etc. The list goes on and on seemingly forever. It is very difficult, if not impossible, to bear up under the weight of all these things. The dark circle surround us, and just like my analogy about the feeling of passing out, just about the time we think our entire vision is going to go black, and we will most definitely pass out, a tiny light in the center of our vision starts to shines through. Slowly, the center light grows, and chases back the black circle that had threatened to overtake us.

In those moments, I am reminded of 1 Corinthians 4:8-9

"We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; 

perplexed, but not driven to despair; 

persecuted, but not forsaken; 

struck down, but not destroyed"

This is where my hope is found, in Christ, the Light of the World. Just when I think I can't take any more, as I lie alone begging for mercy, wondering if the pain will ever end, asking Him if He is listening, if He even cares, that small dot of light emerges in the distance. As I begin to focus on it, it grows larger and brighter. That is not because God finally showed up, or decided to intervene, but simply because I wasn't focused on the light. I began to focus on the overwhelming blackness. I started to believe He doesn't care, or isn't listening. I begin to believe it will never end. I start to focus on my symptoms and circumstances, and lose sight of my Savior, and His truth. But then, I hear God's still small voice prompting me to remember what is true. God tells us many places in His Word that He will not leave us or forsake us. That is the truth. God never left me, his Light was there all along, I just chose to focus on the darkness. I missed His tender mercy in a card from a faithful friend, because I was thinking instead of the friends I lost. I failed to see the simple joy God brought to my days by way of a little 12-lb dog, and looked only to my feelings of loneliness.

I am not trying to minimize the struggle. I am suffering. I am miserable. This is all very hard. I know you hurt too. I am simply trying to remind you (and myself) to stop focusing on the black circles closing in around us, and focus on the light instead. Keep your eyes fixed upon Christ! (Hebrews 12:2). Be grateful for the faithful friend, or that tiny rescue dog! That is how we give thanks to God in all circumstances, like Paul tells us in 1 Thessalonians 5:18. We start to change our focus to God's blessings, and stop making the pain and disappointment the center of our world. We aren't thankful for the pain and suffering, but we can be thankful to God, even on the worst of days, for His loving care. 

I am thankful that God has been gently revealing the sin in my heart, and for His forgiveness. I am thankful that I am learning to trust Him more, even on those days when I cry out like the child's father did in Mark 9, "Lord I believe, help my unbelief!" Remember to give thanks for His Son, the Savior of our souls, who also knew the pain of suffering and isolation. The One who suffered all of that in our place. 

We used to joke that the light at the end of the tunnel was a train, and some days it still feels like that! I pray we can all look down that tunnel of blackness, and see a small light in the distance, and then draw near to that Light! Keep searching and clinging to the One who preserves our souls, and I know the darkness will fade, even if the suffering continues. That is the truth for all who are in Christ Jesus! Will you choose to cling to the Light, or continue in the darkness?

Until Next Time~

Shari

ODAAT

I like schedules. Actually, my life is full of lists and schedules. I even make a weekly dinner menu. Order and structure characterize my days, so much so, that some days you will find me doubled over in pain cooking dinner. If the menu says spaghetti on Tuesday, we are eating spaghetti on Tuesday if there is any humanly possible way for me to get it done. Sometimes, Chad comes home from work and just shakes his head in disbelief. "You know that no one else does this, right?" he asks.

Since I like things planned out (no surprises for this girl!) I begin each day looking over the week's activity list. When I was younger and healthier, I always got everything done. Now, I try to save energy for the days that have the most important tasks. The trouble is, ALL the tasks on my list are *important* to me. According to the Meyers-Briggs personality test my kids had me take a few years ago, I am "the duty-fulfiller" type. Basically, this means that I have a list of things that I need to get done each day. I push through to get every last item done, always have, and always......well, actually not anymore. Some days, no matter how hard I push, there are still items left on my to-do list at the end of the day, which tends to leave me feeling like I failed. (Yep, I got issues)

I have always planned my days and weeks far in advance, even down to life's least important tasks. I am a creature of habit. I do laundry on Mondays, clean each level of the house on their specified days, and grocery shop on Thursday mornings. Every chore, and even things like reading or art, are in my calendar in their official time slot. Chad also shakes his head when my phone buzzes every few minutes reminding me to do basically everything. What a glorious time we live in to have smart phones with reminder alarms! I used to write everything on a wall calendar, and use notepads for endless lists.

I have written before about managing expectations. Honestly, I am WAY better at letting others off the hook, giving them grace, and lowering my expectations of them, than I am of myself. I am my own worst enemy. I know that my list doesn't really matter. Although I like structure, I do know that if my laundry doesn't get done until Friday, the world won't fall apart. Honestly, I won't even run out of clean clothes that soon! If my life seems ridiculously organized, all I can say is that I am a LOT more laid back than I was twenty years ago. (Hard to believe, right?) Age, children, marriage, poor health, and most importantly, my faith in Christ have all impacted me in a positive way, and helped me to let go of some things. I have learned to cut myself a little slack. I am still a work in progress.

Lately, each day seems to start differently, unpredictably. I never know how I will feel. New challenges present themselves, and as Chad likes to say, we adapt, improvise, and overcome. I have been made more and more aware of my tendency to want to perfectly perform my (never ending) lists. I am a taskmaster. I place unnecessary burdens upon myself, especially now. There is nothing quite like completing a task, and being able to cross it off my list! I am learning that most of what is on my list is unimportant. I need to prioritize, but I also need to learn to let go. Everything is not of equal importance. It really is okay if the furniture is dusty.

I am trying to take each day as it comes. I can't change how I feel when I wake up every morning, but I can choose how I view each day. I am working to figure out why I am how I am, growth is an important part of life (although I am not a huge fan of change). For now, I am learning to take One Day At A Time (ODAAT). By the grace of God, I am learning to forgive myself, and give myself permission to "fail" at finishing my list. The Lord has been teaching me so much through all these trials, and most recently, He has been gently revealing the heart issues behind my compulsive behavior. My need to do everything on my list is a form of works righteousness. It shows my sinful tendency to want to do something to earn favor, or feel accomplished. It speaks to my trying to control things, which reveals a lack of faith and trust. All my striving to complete a list is simply futility. The good news is that Christ's work was complete. I do not have to contribute anything to my salvation, nor could I add anything to it. Jesus said, "It is finished." I don't need to run myself ragged over a ridiculously long and detailed list of chores. I need only to enter into His rest. I am grateful for God's loving correction, and His grace to live ODAAT.

Until Next Time~
Shari

A Long Way To Go

A few years ago, I read a blog post about a woman who was chronically ill. She mentioned starting each day with a limited number of spoons (Yep, she was holding actual spoons for a visual prop). Some days she had several spoons, if she was having a good day. On other days when she felt worse, she had only one or two spoons. After I read that article, I shared it with Chad. Since that time, we have used that same expression. It is not uncommon for Chad to come home and ask me how many spoons I have left 💜

Some days I feel great upon awaking, and have many spoons ( a lot of energy). Other days, especially days following busy days, I have few (if any) spoons. As I plan my day, I have to choose wisely what things are most important and do them first, assigning each task the needed number of spoons. Many days I run out of spoons before I finish my list. Occasionally, when I have a really good day, I try to catch up on everything, and then crash, needing several days to recover. I am still working to find the balance that is needed to accomplish necessary work, without wearing myself completely out and needing to rest for days.

Today we are headed to Minnesota for my appointment at Mayo. Just over 5 hours from our door to the hotel. I am not looking forward to the long drive, the long periods of time in waiting rooms, and exam rooms, the inevitable tests, and the poking and prodding that will result. I cannot avoid the upcoming fatigue and increased pain that is sure to ensue.  I will need to be as careful as possible to rest when it is feasible, and let Chad help with things he can help with, so I can preserve spoons. We have a long drive, followed by an unknown number of days at Mayo, and then a long ride back home.

Every parent dreads the words that virtually every child utters at some point on a long road trip:

"Are we there yet?"

It is easy on a long road trip to grow tired, bored, or uncomfortable and wonder when it will end. Just like children, we would like things to be smooth sailing, fun and exciting without all the drudgery and waiting. Unfortunately, life doesn't work like that. Life is just like my upcoming trip to Mayo. There are highlights and lowlights. The are bumps, and turns, and occasional missteps that may cause us to travel in circles a while before finding our way forward again. We can quickly find ourselves wondering "are we there yet?"

The answer to that question is resounding NO! We have not, and will never "arrive" (at least not this side of heaven). We may gain victory over some areas in our lives with God's help, but the journey continues with all of it's struggles. If we find ourselves thinking we have it figured out, we have reached the finish line, or have "arrived", we should quickly check our hearts for pride and unbelief. 

I have heard many times that "the more we learn about God, and His Word, the more we realize how much we don't know." I think that lesson applies here. While we will never achieve perfection in our lifetime, we should be able to look back at our lives, and see that we have made some progress along the way. If we are still hanging out in the parking lot where we started, or traveling in circles never getting anywhere, we should be examining our hearts to see if we are truly in Christ. 

If your faith is in Christ alone, you can know that God is working in you throughout the journey. Thankfully God gives His children grace for today. If I start the day with 10 spoons or just 1, ultimately doesn't matter, but what does matter is whether or not I am found IN Christ. I am responsible to prioritize what I do with the spoons I am given today, and make decisions on where to expend my energy. Am I looking to Christ for grace and strength, or trying to get by on my own merits? Will I glorify God this day with all of the spoons He has given me, or live only for myself? God's grace is sufficient to get me through this trip, one day at a time. He will get you through your journey as well, if you believe and repent.

I continue to ask for prayers during our trip. May God be pleased to provide us with some answers, safe travels, and enough energy for each day. 

Stay in the Word, and cling to Christ on whatever journey you are on this week! How will you use your spoons today?

Until Next Time ~

Shari

Like It Really Matters

The internet has changed the world. Growing up, I still went to a library to research answers, talked on a phone with a cord, and the only games I played were done with a board (until I got an Atari). Recently I have really appreciated that I can sit on my couch and schedule appointments, order food, research anything, and keep in touch with distant friends and family. This is particularly of interest to me because of my disability. I have mentioned plenty of times how living with a disability can be isolating. It also makes getting out and about more difficult. If going to a library to research an answer was still the only way to get information, I am afraid many of my interests would just not be investigated further.

The internet has a lot of great attributes. Besides the things listed above, we have instant access to world wide news, endless music, and how-to videos. It has done many good things, but it also can make it too easy to stay isolated. It is less personal in a lot of ways. It is nothing like real life fellowship, and is a poor substitute for a visit with friends. We have gotten so use to using the internet for everything, that we rarely question what we read. Now fake news spreads like wild fire. We read, click share, and believe things, without ever doing our own research. This internet complacency is obviously not good, and sometimes I fear what our world will look like in a couple decades of social isolation and fake news!

This whole post arose out of this photo that popped up on my FB page a this morning-

Another thing the internet, and social media in particular, has done is entice us to seek approval. We constantly check our phones afraid we might miss something. It is easy for the internet to make us a bit neurotic. We post and watch to see if there will be likes and comments. Viral posts and videos are like striking gold in our society today. Attention-seeking and people-pleasing feed our desire to be "liked." We have a tendency to become self-centered. We feel disappointment when our friends are taking their third vacation this year, and we aren't going anywhere....again.

Does it all matter? Does it matter if everyone likes our funny cat video, or our vacation photos? Should it matter? Of course it is easy to say no, it doesn't matter. We say, "I don't care what everyone else thinks." Then, we are privately disappointed. (Am I alone in this?) Part of the reason I share my struggles is because it appears to me while scrolling through my newsfeed that everyone else's life is perfect. Or at least it is easy to start thinking that way. 

"My husband got a raise" 

"My child won an award" 

"We just bought a new home" 

We see smiling family photos and happy stories. We begin to wonder why we can't get our acts together like everyone else. Rarely does someone post things like:

"I lost my job and have no money for food"

"My spouse cheated" or "I cheated"

"I yelled at my children today"

"I am hurting/struggling"

The internet and social media would have us to believe we are different. We are failures and everyone else is successful. Bitterness, sadness, shame begin to creep in to our hearts, as we compare ourselves with others.

We must be vigilant over our hearts. There is a war going on. Actually there are two wars. There is a war raging within us, one between the spiritual man and our sinful flesh. The other war is the spiritual battle that goes on in the heavenly realms for your very soul (Ephesians 6:12). The battle is real, and it has serious, life-threatening consequences!

As believers, we are called to be pleasers of God, and not people pleasers. We need to do and think what God would "like", what is pleasing to Him, and not do things hoping others will "like" it.  We live in a society that tells us that you are nothing if you don't have fans, followers, and likes, but we serve a God that calls us sons and daughters. We have been grafted in to His family vine. We are to be followers of Jesus Christ. We ought to live lives, like the apostle Paul, that allow us to say "Be imitators (followers) of me, as I am of Christ." (1 Corinthians 11:1) Those are the kind of people I want to follow, and the type of followers I want!

How do we overcome this societal pressure? It will be a daily battle. We must fight to keep our eyes fixed upon Christ. We must remember that we are in a battle, and not get complacent. If you are not a believer, not a follower of Christ, do not think that you are excluded from this battle. Your unbelief, and denials do not negate the FACT that this war is raging around you. Your soul is the prize. You have two choices: serve God or not. By not serving God, coming to Him in repentance and faith, you are serving your soul up on a silver platter to the enemy who "prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour." (1 Peter 5:8) This enemy is Satan himself. Choose this day whom you will serve, for tomorrow is promised to no one (Joshua 24:15).

I will leave you with this; praying that you and I both would put on the whole armor of God, and open our mouths to proclaim boldly the mystery of the gospel.

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end, keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints, and also for me, that words may be given to me in opening my mouth boldly to proclaim the mystery of the gospel." Ephesians 6:10-19 (ESV)

Until Next Time~
Shari