From One Generation to the Next

I listened to a podcast recently about technology and kids, and the guest briefly mentioned she lived with her parents in a multigenerational home. While this was not the main point of the podcast, it got me thinking about what a blessing it is to provide daily care for my grandchild.

Our oldest was born when we were just 20 years old. Not only were we young and selfish, we were not Christians and had a very worldly view of children and family. My mother babysat on weekends and other times when she wasn't working so we could go do things we wanted to do. Selfish is the only word that comes to mind. I am honestly not sure if I even gave much thought to my mother's desires or the true benefit to my children of getting to spend time with their grandmother. I knew my kids were safe and I was free to pursue my own interests.

As I look back now, I am so grateful that my kids had as much time with my mom as they did, and that she loved them so much. I wish she would have lived longer so I could talk to her more about my foolishness back then and how thankful I am now for all that she did. Maybe this is just the nature of aging? The older I get, the more I realize how important time with family is. We love our grandbaby almost as much as her own parents do, so what a blessing to be able to pour into her life!

Two of my grandparents died before I was born. My father's father was an abusive alcoholic, and I remember meeting him once in a nursing home, where he told me you get freckles from wearing a straw hat in the sun. My mother's mother lived with us briefly when I was in my early teens before she went to a nursing home. She did not like me and made that clear. She once called me the "spawn of Satan" due to her hatred of my father, and I wrote more about that here. 

God has been so faithful to us! Our faithful Father has taught us over the years to put aside our own selfish desires, cherish time with family, and make Christ central in our lives. He has enabled us to be able to pour our time into Maddie, even before she is old enough to know the blessing of the rich heritage of faith and love surrounding her (and future grandchildren). 

Ever since we became Christians in 1998, my prayer has been that we might parent faithfully. I have prayed that we would see our children and our children’s children be raised in the nurture and admonition of the Lord, and that God might be pleased to see generation after generation of our family live to follow and serve Christ!

Each person in our family has different strengths, gifts, and levels of patience, each of which will be useful in the lives of all the grandchildren we may have. I believe God will use these multigenerational relationships to refine us, teach us humility, and make us less self-serving. Our grandkids will see a genuine faith modeled by different generations in everyday life, resembling a micro-version of the body of Christ.

Glory be to God!

“One generation shall commend your works to another, and shall declare your mighty acts.”

Psalm 145:4 (ESV)

Until Next Time~

Shari

Roller Coaster

 Five weeks ago, I had surgery. 

Four weeks ago, I was told I had breast cancer. 

Three weeks ago, the oncologist told us it looked like good news: caught early and favorable tumor markers. We had a plan to get more testing and consultations with a surgeon and radiologist.

Two weeks ago, I began the last two weeks at my job, which I have loved, but I have a higher calling....

Last week, our first grandchild was born, and I will have the privilege of providing childcare for her in just a few short weeks. #bestjobever

Yesterday, my consultation with the surgeon provided more good news. The ultrasound of my lymph nodes looked good, so she will not do a biopsy of the nodes (it has some risk and will not change the game plan). We are waiting for some more tests, but I will be seeing the radiologist soon and have been cleared to begin radiaiton treatments. The surgeon reiterated that my cancer really is the best case scenario. Stage 1, non-aggressive, slow-growing, hormone positive (responds well to medication). She explained that the genetic mutation of the Bard1 gene that I have, put me in the hish-risk group to develop breast cancer, but now that it has happened, the risk of developing a different breast cancer drops to an average risk.

I still have radiation treatments to get through (not sure how long yet), anti-estrogen meds to take (5-10 years), and a lot of monitoring, tests, scans over the next few years, but they do not expect to find any more cancer beyond what was already removed, and put my long term survival rate at 98-99%. 

I am just beyond grateful for that surgery that caught this cancer so early!! Cancer can be so scary, but it sounds more like a short, rough patch instead of the longer "battle" I was gearing up for! Praise God for His mercy in this emotional roller coaster that has been 2026 so far!

More Than A Year

 The end of 2023 is just a couple of days away, and I realized it has been over a year since I posted anything. When I started the blog in January 2013, I posted every day for a while. Turns out I didn't have as much to say as I originally thought (this will come as a shock for all who know me haha). Over time, I tried to post regularly, as a story would come up that needed telling, and eventually the blog ended up on the back burner.

The good news is that part of the reason I haven't blogged all year is because things have been pretty good. We took a year off from traveling to Mayo Clinic, I started working part time, and we have just enjoyed a year without many challenges. Praise God!

I hope, my dear reader, that as 2023 comes to a close, and 2024 is ushered in, you can join me in looking back over the last several months and recognize God's faithfulness in the mundane, everyday things. May we all start the year off with gratitude for all that God continues to work in our lives. I look forward to a study in the book of Psalms with a friend, and all the rest that God will bring into our lives in 2024. 

Happy New Year!

Until Next Time 

~Shari

When Did I Quit?

 I can't really tell you the day or the hour, or even the week, but at some point I feel like I gave up. What does giving up mean you might ask? Well, for me it was cloaked in my thinking that I was just accepting reality.

I have always been a fighter. I had a friend tell me once that I'm the kind of person that walks right up to a challenge, and never backs down, but finds a way through it and overcomes. I am not too sure that that's true anymore. My disability has been a long, slow journey. As more and more of my work, hobbies and pastimes were stripped away, something changed in my mind that convinced me I couldn't do it anymore, and thus I shouldn't bother to try. In all reality, many things have gotten much harder, but they are still possible. We have taken more of an "adapt, improvise, and overcome" approach in the sense of solving issues as they arise, but mostly I have just given up a lot of things that I put in the "too hard to do anymore" category.

I don't feel sad about this, again, it just seems like it's my reality. I really am okay being somewhat of a hermit. I've always been on more of the shy, introverted side of things, and spending a lot of hours alone usually doesn't bother me too much. However, when I look back a few years ago and compare that life to now, I feel like I've changed so much sometimes I hardly recognize myself. I used to love to just go browse thrift stores or antique shops, and we were always out doing things on the weekend. Museums, kayaking, and lots of hiking were among our weekly outings. Now, when I see that I have a couple of physical therapy appointments in the same week, I feel slightly overwhelmed that I have to leave home multiple times (especially by myself). All of it just seems too difficult, so it has gotten easier to just stay home. The thing is, I'm actually very content at home. This fact actually leads to making the situation worse though. If I was the kind of person who missed getting out and doing things, or missed large groups of people, I think that I would force myself to do more even if it's harder than it once was.

Years ago, my blood pressure was creeping up and I was having issues with blood sugar. I decided I had had enough. Literally overnight I changed the way I eat and exercised. Within a few months I had dropped 40 lbs and no longer needed to have any medication for those issues. I maintained that for about 3 years, but gradually as things got more difficult for me physically, I started to make little excuses and exceptions. A quick bite of food here or there that wasn't on my diet, skipping exercise because I was in too much pain, and things like that started to become more normal. Now here I am back at the weight that I started at in 2012. I've been on blood pressure medication for more than a year, and I've started to have problems with blood sugar regulation again.

In my mind, I still feel like that young, strong, fighter, and yet in reality have become something different. I'm not sure this is all bad. I can easily make excuses for how I'm taking care of myself, but the truth is I would prefer to be that younger healthier woman. Days like today when the pain isn't too bad, I wake up and face a new day with determination that I'm going to change everything on a dime again. Lately though, I make that proclamation a few times a week, and by the end of each day I feel defeated as the reality sets in. My lack of mobility and increased pain slowly strip away my intestinal fortitude. I used to think all I had to do was pull myself up by my bootstraps and muscle through. Another friend of mine reminds me the bootstraps are nowhere mentioned in the Bible! I no longer feel that that is actually true, not everything can be overcome. Grit and determination aren't always enough.

Above all I do believe that the battle for all of this begins in our minds. What we believe about ourselves and the world around us really does impact what we think and feel. The Bible, which is God's word, is my ultimate source of strength and truth. It's where I go on good days to be reminded of God's loving plan, and it's the thing I cling to on bad days to remind me of God's providential care. 

I'm very thankful that God has helped me to be content in my circumstances, to learn to trust him more, and deepen my faith in the midst of all my struggles and suffering. God may not really care if I weigh 160 or 120 lb, but I know he absolutely does care for me! Because I'm an all or nothing kind of gal, it's hard for me to just try to choose one small thing and focus on accomplishing that. When I wake up in the morning and think about changing something in my life, the conversation in my head looks more like this:

"Okay. Today I will stop eating or drinking anything that's not healthy, eat less overall, exercise at least an hour every day, and get out and do more activities with family and friends. Also, be home in time to make dinner."

That all sounds super easy, right!? Obviously, when I can't accomplish that to 100% perfection, it tends to discourage me and makes me want to give up. My biggest struggle these last few years is realizing that everything is not so black and white. I'm learning to embrace the gray. Today I'm going to focus on one small thing I can do that will be healthier for me, and work to do that. Tomorrow when I wake up, I'll remind myself not to look back at my failures, but to stay present today and focus on one more small thing I can do. God's mercy is new every morning!

I'm reminded of the song from Santa Claus Is Coming To Town where the lyrics say:

Put one foot in front of the other,
and soon you'll be walking across the floor.
Put one foot in front of the other,
and soon you'll be walking out the door.

Walking across the floor

Do you set goals for yourself? Do you set yourself up to fail like I do? What one small thing can you do today to make a bigger difference down the road? Share with us in the comments!

Until Next Time

~Shari

(UN)Happy Valley

 I am not sure if anyone else uses this term, but my husband and I tend to call a sleepy, small and safe town (like the one we live in) "happy valley". If you live in a "happy valley", you probably know your neighbors, and maybe don't always lock your doors. You might feel somewhat isolated from big city crime and possibly let your kids play outside without much concern. Recently the term "happy valley" has come to my mind several times. I don't know where we first heard the term. A quick Google search reveals there is an actual town named Happy Valley just outside Portland, Oregon (who knew?). I didn't see a Wikipedia article explaining it the way we use the term, so maybe it isn't a common expression!

I am not even sure how we came to think of a valley as a happy place. Most everyone has heard the familiar words of Psalm 23 verse 4 that read:

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil,

for you are with me;

your rod and your staff,

they comfort me.

This valley doesn't sound all too happy! Although we can fear no evil, with God by our side, and trust him to comfort us. Valleys most frequently used to tell of the low times we go through. Scripture often uses imagery to paint a picture of an idea. Picturing "the valley of the shadow of death" paints a pretty dark picture. Mountain tops are often used as illustrations of a closeness to God, while being in the valley is more desolate.

This year has been overwhelming for most people on so many levels. Political divides, riots, unemployment, worldwide pandemic, and even murder hornets are on the news day after day. Just one of those things is enough to bring us to our knees in prayer, and all of them at once seem almost too difficult to bear up under.

I have had a difficult couple of months myself. Worsening (and virtually continuous pain) is hard enough to handle. It is amplified by the disconnection from friends and family that the coronavirus has caused, and my husband's loss of his job. On top of that, I continue to struggle physically with doing things I enjoy or even chores that must be done. My body does not always cooperate with my to-do list!

When we came home from our Mayo Clinic trip in September, I brought home COVID-19 as a souvenir. I had a fairly mild case, but there were still a few difficult days followed by extreme fatigue. Just as I started to come up for air, I had a mild flu or a bad cold which knocked me down again. Each illness has ripple effects as I seem to lose a little more stamina, bounce back a little slower than I once did, and do not quite make it all the way to 100%. 

Lately it feels like I am in a valley, darkened by the forest canopy that blocks the sun. It doesn't feel like a "happy valley" and yet I am comforted. God is with me, regardless of how I feel. Each step of the way, as I am learning to let go of my plans, dreams, desires, and abilities, God has given me peace. Every painful step has been taken intentionally, moving me onward instead of remaining stagnant. I am not "happy" in the midst of all of this, but am able to have a joyful heart. One day I will look up and see the sun, realizing that my journey has brought me out of the valley. The nighttime of tears will be replaced with the joy that comes in the morning (Psalm 30).

This year has been long, and we all could use a little sunshine. Hang in there. Morning is coming! Flee to Christ, that you may find comfort and joy in him. Lift up your eyes to the hills, for there is where our help comes from (Psalm 121:1-2). Lift up your eyes and see that the view isn't so bad. Maybe we can rename this place our "Joyful Valley" as God restores to us the joy of our salvation (Psalm 51:12), and lifts our eyes off of our own temporary struggles.

Until Next Time

~Shari

Who I've Become

If you have met me in the last few years, you might be surprised to learn that I used to be somewhat adventurous. While I was never one to be a thrill seeker, I did frequently hop in the car at the last minute for a road trip, or impromptu outing with the kids. As a child, my mom would drive me into Chicago to the Planetarium (it was free back then) just to buy an ice cream sandwich from the vending machine (She swore that brand was better, and not available locally). I think her crazy ideas like this rubbed off on me!

In fact, if I think back over the years, even though I have always been introverted, there was rarely a day I didn't get out of the house: nature walks, shopping, museums, movies, or just yard work. Slowly over time, as our kids grew up and moved out, and my health declined, getting out of the house seemed less attractive, and more problematic.

Chad and I were talking about this a couple of days ago, and it has been on my mind ever since. I am very content in my day to day life, but my world has definitely shrunk. I routinely go to church on Sunday, and consider it a victory if I have nowhere to go until church the following Sunday. I still love the outdoors, shopping (especially at thrift stores), and even road trips, BUT (and it is a big but), things have just become much more challenging.

I can no longer just wake up and decide to be spontaneous, heading out for the day to a local museum or park like we used to do. For starters, on the rare occasion that I feel well enough to head out for the day, there has to be much more planning. Medications, medical devices, mobility equipment, etc. are part of my daily life. I have to think through the outing to decide what needs may arise. How long will we be gone? How far would I have to walk, or is it wheelchair accessible? Is there van accessible parking? (especially if I am alone, because I frequently get stuck unable to deploy the ramp either because there are not enough handicapped spots, or someone has parked in the access aisle/striped lines) The list is LONG.

Sadly even when we plan the best we can, trips frequently end with an serious increase in pain. Pain rises throughout the day normally, but increased movement and lengthy activities will increase it more rapidly. Sometimes, I do a cost-benefit analysis and decide the trip just isn't worth the pain.

There is usually some stress and anxiety involved in going somewhere unfamiliar also. Many trips end up disappointing when we discover we can't get around by wheelchair, or there are no bathrooms I can use. Even stores with wheelchair accessible entrances often have narrow or blocked aisles, racks that are too close together and inaccessible bathrooms. Besides being more physically difficult to navigate, it is mentally draining for me as well. I struggle with feeling unwelcome and like I am constantly in other people's way (some of this is my own insecurity, but also because people will literally say it out loud).

When I do have a "good day" it just seems easier to stay home, where it is comfy and Chad has made it all very accessible to me. I can keep myself occupied with crafts, jigsaw puzzles, puppy cuddles, reading and many other favorite activities within my home. Easier for sure, and it makes me happy 😊

Sometimes though, I do miss going out. Frankly, I don't often visit a clothing store to feel the fabrics, browse clearance racks, and try things on just for fun anymore. Having the endurance to do all of that is rare at this point. (even getting my leg brace off and on is quite the workout. The struggle is real, people!) To some degree, my low pain level days seem wasted by going out and struggling to do things that used to be easy and enjoyable....so I just stay home, and use that energy on something that truly is enjoyable.

A little over 10 years ago, when I was healing from the life changing surgery on my left leg, I would have never dreamed that I would become a hermit! I have read about disabilities being isolating, and families with special needs children feeling alone, but didn't really understand why, until now.

I am very thankful that God has given me a contented heart. The introversion I once saw as a huge hindrance, I now see as a true blessing. I don't need a lot of activities or people to have a pleasant day. Seeing a dear friend, talking with family, or keeping busy at home are all real treats. I do know that there are plenty of people in the disability/special needs community who DO need more human interaction. Extroverts are not immune to medical issues, and while I am okay being more isolated than I once was, some people are struggling with loneliness and depression.

Honestly, this whole issue continues to be a struggle in my marriage. Chad is way more social and adventurous than I am anyways. I don't want him to be miserable never going anywhere, and he doesn't want to make me go somewhere knowing I will be in more pain. We run through ideas, evaluate how I feel, imagine how draining it will be and decide if it is worth it or not. I do more with him and for him than I would ever do on my own. Some days I push myself over that hurdle, get out and enjoy the day with my husband. Sometimes it isn't even as hard as I imagined it would be!

This unexpected change in my life has been a slow, sanctifying process. I have learned to be truly content, needing little fanfare to keep me entertained. I appreciate the little things in life more. I appreciate friends who are willing to drive to my house for a visit. Maybe you are able to visit a neighbor or friends who is going through something right now and could use an encouraging word, listening ear, or a push to get out of the house. (Don't push too hard, just offer!)

I am thankful that God has given scientific and technological knowledge to many individuals who bring us new innovations (like the internet), and all the good things that come from that to help us daily. There has never been an easier time to stay home and shop from the comfort of your couch! I am beyond grateful for a Savior, who is ever by my side, good day or bad. Maybe you could bring His word to someone who needs it today!

Until Next Time~
Shari

...and After

Mayo Clinic and Minnesota are in our rear-view mirror once again. We had a wonderfully scenic and relaxing trip up north to Canada from Duluth along the North Shore Scenic Drive. We enjoyed a lot of time outdoors, even though we had to bundle up, and I got stuck a couple times!

Minnesota was a tad colder than Chicagoland last weekend. I am thankful for the extra days Chad was able to take so that all of his vacation time this year wasn't spent just sitting at Mayo Clinic. It is great to have a little time to unplug, unwind and reconnect to each other (not just the internet); however, I am looking forward to getting home shortly, because there is no place on earth more comfortable. (and I miss my puppy 😭)

I repeated three of the nerve tests over the last two days and returned to the neurologist. The test results are basically the same as our visit 7 months ago, with one being marginally worse. We have decided to take a year off now and see if I stay stable or get worse. I will repeat these same tests again next fall, and compare the two years (one with meds, one without).

If I start getting worse this year we can always restart the infusions. Also, doctors at Mayo have developed a new blood test to check for certain markers in the blood for people with an inflammatory neuropathy (like me). If I have what they are looking for, we might have a different treatment to consider.

Anyways, our visit is over for now. I really appreciate all of the much needed prayers. I have some amazing, faithful friends 💜

I hope I explain things well enough. We know I have a form of CIDP, which is progressive, and will likely get worse with time. It is a rare disease so there isn't a ton of info on it, but my doctor and his father are the leading experts.

So, keep praying, but also know that we are holding steady on the current course, and not expecting earth-shattering news or treatment options that will "cure" me. Please pray for pain control, wisdom, and even healing, if God so wills, but know that my trips to Mayo are not a search for a cure or diagnosis. We are trusting God's good, pleasing, and perfect will in each of these trials, and taking one day at a time.

Thanks for following along on my journey with me!

~Until Next Time
Shari

The Heavy Weight of Scales

Once upon a time, I lived an active lifestyle: biking, running, walking, hiking, rock climbing, swimming, kayaking, the list goes on and on. I did all of our yard work, and helped shovel snow. I did all the shopping, and errands, and was always on the move. I have always tried to eat fairly healthy, not really denying myself any guilty pleasures, but always being careful not to over do it. Both of my parents were overweight all of their adult life, and genetically I am very similar. I have always had to be aware of what I eat, how much I eat, and how many calories I burn, and even then, I could still gain a couple pounds very easily.

The older we get, our metabolisms naturally slow, and weight loss does becomes more difficult. Genetics play a huge role in metabolism, and it is difficult (but not impossible) to overcome that genetic predisposition.

As you know, I am not as active as I once was. I have trouble walking even short distances. Chronic pain and arthritis keep me from doing much with my upper body also, so I do a lot more sitting than I once did. I have read many studies showing that "sitting is the new smoking", and if that is the case, I have a 3 pack a day habit!

Lack of real exercise (combined with my genetics and poor food choices) are causing me some issues.....again. I have been overweight before following my surgery in 2009. I held steady at 122 lbs for a few years, following a strict paleo diet. It was hard, very hard at times, especially when we were away from home, but I can be very disciplined when I put my mind to it!

Last year, my cardiologist told me to start adding some whole grains to my diet for heart health. I had already been slipping a little, because eating a strict paleo diet requires fresh ingredients, lots of washing and chopping and cooking. I was feeling worse, living with daily intense pain. I was having more difficulties doing my shopping, and stopped going to so many stores for fresh foods every few days. Cooking complicated recipes became too much on some days. The changes were small at first, and I rationalized that "it wouldn't hurt just this once" to eat something unhealthy. It wasn't long before "adding whole grains to my diet" just became "let's have a bowl of ice cream after dinner".

I convinced myself that I would work harder tomorrow. I rationalized that I was still eating more healthy food than bad, and it wasn't necessary to deprive myself of yummy treats. Now, 30 lbs later, I am nearing that weight I was back in 2012 when I started the paleo journey. My blood pressure is elevated again, and I am on medication for that. My blood sugar is out of whack frequently, and I am having digestive troubles again.

Anyone who has struggled with food, understands the mental games we play with ourselves. We promise ourselves it will be "just a little bit" or "just this once". The diet will start (over again) on Monday. A few pounds heavier, and we think we will cut back for a few days, or increase activity, and the weight will leave again....but we keep on doing the things we hate and having "just a little bit more." I have gained 30 lbs. The scale doesn't lie.

We play similar mental games to convince ourselves we are "good people." Sure, we have done some bad things (not too bad), said something we shouldn't have (not as bad as what other people say though), or thought things that aren't kind (but didn't actually act upon them). We add up all our good deeds on one side of the scale, and hope it outweighs the pile of bad things on the other side. The trouble is, that the scale doesn't lie, even if we try to convince ourselves.

The truth is that every thought, word, and deed is tainted with sin. The scale shows the truth, and there is no hiding from it when we step on. Hiding my head in the sand, or rationalizing does not change the fact: I am gaining too much weight, and it is not healthy. I am also a sinner, whose sins far outweigh the "good deeds" I have tried to do. Thankfully, Christ has come to take the weight of our sins upon Himself, for all who believe and repent. So, when God weighs our deeds, He will only see Jesus Christ, and His works where ours should be.

He is also here to offer grace, wisdom, and peace to me as I struggle to find a way to live as healthy as I can. Diet and exercise advice are all over the map! Having a disability makes exercising much more difficult, and I am still trying to find activities I can safely do without falling, or causing myself too much pain. I am trying to take one day at a time, trying to dig deep and find the discipline to eat right again, but I am also trying to extend grace to myself. I am so thankful to know that in all of my failings, Christ's forgiveness and mercy are never beyond reach.

Until Next Time~
Shari

Why Me?

Several people over the years have said that I must question why all of this is happening to me. Why I have to suffer. Why I can't seem to catch a break. Why me??

My response has almost always been: "Why not me?"

Honestly, this question has still come to my mind many times. I may not have asked "why me?" in the pity party sense. Instead, I am in awe as I ponder the fate that my sin truly deserves, and yet know I received grace instead. The mere fact that I might enjoy anything in this life, moreover inherit eternal life through Jesus Christ, leaves me speechless.

The lyrics of the hymn How Sweet and Awesome Is This Place  capture this wonder:

...Each of us cry, with thankful tongues,

"Lord, why was I a guest?

"Why was I made to hear Thy voice,

And enter while there's room,

When thousands make a wretched choice, 

And rather starve than come?"

When you let that sink in, you can't help but to ask "Why me?"

I am still doing a study with the book by Jared C Wilson that I mentioned in this post. The chapter this week brought up a story of the author's friend (Richard) who found out he was dying of cancer. During that period, Richard wrote these words in an email to Pastor Wilson:

"I really feel so blessed that God would actually use me at all to attempt to bring Him the glory He so deserves. Why me, brother?"

Wow. I read through that a couple of times. What a marvelous and humble response from someone facing death. I won't presume to know God's plan, but this story hit me like a ton of bricks. My prayers have consistently been that God would strengthen me to suffer well. That I might suffer faithfully in a manner that would bring Him glory in the midst of these trials. So, when I read this story of a dying man questioning why God would graciously choose him to be a part of the bigger picture, it touched me.

The Westminster Shorter Catechism asks:
Q. What is the chief end of man?
A. Man's chief end is to glorify God, and enjoy Him forever.

I want God to be glorified. I know that through every twist and turn in my life, God has been growing me. I am not who I once was. I am also not who I will be. Sanctification is a process, and in some ways I have come a long way, and in other ways I have barely moved.

Life is not easy. Some days lately it seems overwhelming and impossible, in fact. Through all of these trials, God has revealed things in my own heart that are not pleasant. He has chastened and corrected me. He has convicted me of my need to love and serve others. He has humbled me, painfully so, at times. I know more about myself than I used too. I am learning a lot about others as well. God has deepened my faith and my trust in Him.

This week, I find myself echoing that book chapter, "Lord, why me? Why would you use me at all to attempt to bring yourself the glory that you alone deserve?"

As I ponder these things, my heart sings praises to Him. I feel thankful to know that He can (and will) be glorified in the midst of my suffering. He does strengthen and sustain me. He hears my cries, and He replies:

"Why not you?"

I pray you all might be guests with thankful tongues, and not make a wretched choice. May God be glorified through us all!

Until Next Time~

Shari

Dark Circles

Have you ever had that feeling like you are about to pass out? Dark circles envelop your vision, blackness closing in. This seems like a decent analogy of my life currently. Darkness seems overwhelming at times, closing in from every side. I feel like I might "pass out" as I lose the light in my vision. The last several years have been difficult (that might be putting it mildly), but this past year has definitely hit an all time low. My health has continued to decline and the accompanying chronic pain has been overwhelming. Medical treatments and side effects are exhausting. I have spent a LOT of time sitting with a heating pad or ice pack, and zoning out in front of a screen. I haven't done much art, or cleaning, or even leaving the house. I have missed a lot of Sunday morning worship services. Due to my accessibility needs, we switched churches in December of 2017, which combined with my recent spotty attendance record, has made it difficult for me to feel connected. I have lost friends, been unable to do things I love, and gained weight. Any one of these things would be enough to deal with, but all together, I feel alone and surround with darkness.

Disability and suffering are often isolating. When I do go out, I put on a smile, and try not to turn every conversation into a gripe fest of how bad I feel. So instead, I try to love others and ask about their lives. Listening is one of the first things I have learned this past year. As I have spent more and more time alone, stuck in the house, and wishing for someone to talk to, I have learned how valuable a listening ear is! In today's electronic world, it is a rarity to find someone that stops, makes eye contact, and actually pays attention. I am SO very thankful for those friends I have that are willing to do this, and hope I can do the same for others.

I have also learned some things (of the not so pleasant variety) about myself. I have put too much worth on friendships, letting hurt creep in when those relationships fell apart. I am reminded of my own words about managing my expectations of others. In truth, I should be seeking Christ. Wanting a deeper fellowship with Him. Going to Him in prayer, and with my concerns, worries, and pain. Not that friends aren't deeply valued! A good friend is a rare jewel. They can rebuke and encourage us. They help carry our burdens. But we must also remember they are sinful humans, just like us. Christ alone is the "friend that sticks closer than a brother" (Proverbs 18:24), and to Him alone should we look to truly fulfill that need for acceptance and love.

Besides feeling super crummy, gaining back a lot of the weight I lost back in 2013-2014 has added to my frustration and encroaching depression. This issue has also got me thinking about my beliefs on weight, self image, and food. Yes, I do feel worse when my clothes don't fit. My blood pressure is high again, so there is a real health concern, but if we get down to the brass tacks, I want to be thin to "look good." Our culture pushes this agenda, and I have bought in hook, line, and sinker!

I have been going through the book Idols of the Heart by Elyse Fitzpatrick again, and there are plenty of idols coming out of my little "idol making factory" as John Calvin describes our hearts. One more lesson to be learned in all of this darkness.

We want what we want. What we shouldn't have for reasons perhaps unknown to us. We desire that which we think will make us happy: friends, thin bodies, perfect health, no pain, etc. The list goes on and on seemingly forever. It is very difficult, if not impossible, to bear up under the weight of all these things. The dark circle surround us, and just like my analogy about the feeling of passing out, just about the time we think our entire vision is going to go black, and we will most definitely pass out, a tiny light in the center of our vision starts to shines through. Slowly, the center light grows, and chases back the black circle that had threatened to overtake us.

In those moments, I am reminded of 1 Corinthians 4:8-9

"We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; 

perplexed, but not driven to despair; 

persecuted, but not forsaken; 

struck down, but not destroyed"

This is where my hope is found, in Christ, the Light of the World. Just when I think I can't take any more, as I lie alone begging for mercy, wondering if the pain will ever end, asking Him if He is listening, if He even cares, that small dot of light emerges in the distance. As I begin to focus on it, it grows larger and brighter. That is not because God finally showed up, or decided to intervene, but simply because I wasn't focused on the light. I began to focus on the overwhelming blackness. I started to believe He doesn't care, or isn't listening. I begin to believe it will never end. I start to focus on my symptoms and circumstances, and lose sight of my Savior, and His truth. But then, I hear God's still small voice prompting me to remember what is true. God tells us many places in His Word that He will not leave us or forsake us. That is the truth. God never left me, his Light was there all along, I just chose to focus on the darkness. I missed His tender mercy in a card from a faithful friend, because I was thinking instead of the friends I lost. I failed to see the simple joy God brought to my days by way of a little 12-lb dog, and looked only to my feelings of loneliness.

I am not trying to minimize the struggle. I am suffering. I am miserable. This is all very hard. I know you hurt too. I am simply trying to remind you (and myself) to stop focusing on the black circles closing in around us, and focus on the light instead. Keep your eyes fixed upon Christ! (Hebrews 12:2). Be grateful for the faithful friend, or that tiny rescue dog! That is how we give thanks to God in all circumstances, like Paul tells us in 1 Thessalonians 5:18. We start to change our focus to God's blessings, and stop making the pain and disappointment the center of our world. We aren't thankful for the pain and suffering, but we can be thankful to God, even on the worst of days, for His loving care. 

I am thankful that God has been gently revealing the sin in my heart, and for His forgiveness. I am thankful that I am learning to trust Him more, even on those days when I cry out like the child's father did in Mark 9, "Lord I believe, help my unbelief!" Remember to give thanks for His Son, the Savior of our souls, who also knew the pain of suffering and isolation. The One who suffered all of that in our place. 

We used to joke that the light at the end of the tunnel was a train, and some days it still feels like that! I pray we can all look down that tunnel of blackness, and see a small light in the distance, and then draw near to that Light! Keep searching and clinging to the One who preserves our souls, and I know the darkness will fade, even if the suffering continues. That is the truth for all who are in Christ Jesus! Will you choose to cling to the Light, or continue in the darkness?

Until Next Time~

Shari

Friends

I woke up this morning with some old song lyrics playing in my head. Not sure if many of you were Whodini fans back in the day, but these were the words I heard this morning on auto repeat upon waking:

"Friends

How many of us have them?

Friends

Ones we can depend on 

Friends

How many of have them

Friends

Before we go any further, let's be

Friends"

Now, you may very well think this is a weird thing to be thinking as soon as my eyes open before 6 am, but for me, my brain is either fully asleep or going 100 mph, so this is normal for me! Friendship has been on my mind a lot lately. I have been thinking back over my life and about the people who have come and gone. I have been trying to define what friendship is, and what reasonable expectations I should have.

I was born in 1970, and grew up in a different era. An era where "screen time" wasn't a term. If we watched TV at all, it was one of a half dozen channels, tuned in with a rabbit ear antenna. It was also live TV. If you weren't home in front of the television on a Friday night, you didn't get to see who shot J.R. We also didn't wear bike helmets (the first car I can remember that we had, didn't even have seat belts in the back seat). During the summer, I would be up and outside early in the morning, shortly after my single mom left for work, and would return only to grab food or for a bathroom break, and not be back until dinner. We didn't have cell phones, and while I can't say with certainty, I don't think my mom worried about where I was. Being out with friends all over the neighborhood was normal. We would ride our bikes a couple miles to the convenient store and buy candy and pop. I was truly a latch-key kid. I walked to kindergarten alone, with a key strung on a piece of yarn around my neck. I left for school when the Bozo show was over, and returned back home almost 2 hours before my mom got back from work. Lots of things were different back then.

It was also an age when abuse or bullying were not readily recognized or dealt with. I have written about my back story a few times, and if you are interested in the details, just go back to the first few blog posts I ever wrote. For the sake of today's discussion about friends, I will just summarize by saying that I came from a broken home, where abuse occurred. The impact of this on me at a very young age, by the people closest to me, was that I withdrew. As a young grade school age kid, I struggled to make sense of the world. I was small in stature, and painfully shy. The kind of shy where you sit in a corner, don't speak, and are on the verge of crying or vomiting when the teacher calls your name. I had trouble making friends, which would be a theme throughout my childhood. I did best one-on-one, and had a close friend or two at a time.  I was not athletic, and some would probably say clumsy. School came easy for me, without studying, and I was always the first one done with every test. This became a game I played to see how fast I could complete the test, but to some degree a necessity. I was bullied, and those same kids would want to copy the answers off my worksheets and tests. What I learned at home from the abuse was that saying no was not acceptable. You did what was asked of you, and were not given a choice. I did not want to let people copy my work, but was too timid to say no. My solution, was to be super fast, and run the paper up to the teacher's desk as soon as I could, and sheepishly apologize for not being able to "help."

I can't deny that all of these experiences shaped who I am. While I believe that we are born with natural talents and personality traits, our experiences and upbringing impact those things drastically some times. I had trouble trusting people. My experience was that people let you down, hurt you, and abandon you. I found people difficult to understand. I liked things to fit in a neat little (controllable) box, and people were none of those things. They were complicated and impossible to figure out. I felt like everyone else got a manual on navigating social circles, and I never got to read it. People were exhausting. I learned that I could only trust myself, and no one else. So I started building walls to keep others out.

As the years past, I realized that even the few people you let into your inner circle will turn on you to help themselves, share your darkest secrets to increase their social standing or drop you like a hot potato when it is to their advantage. As I began junior high, I became acutely aware of the fact that I was from a poor, black neighborhood. This was a fact that I had not understood up until this point. It was normal to me, and I never dreamed that my white "friends" would shun me for being different. I didn't fit in to the rich, white, preppy club, and those two years were such a struggle, that it would change the course of my life.

I spent a lot of time alone, and when I did talk to anyone, it was the neighbors that I knew. The wall I had built around myself became higher and thicker. I was determined to never let anyone hurt me again. I got angry, and instead of sheepishly saying yes, when I wanted to say no, I became ready to fight with anyone, at a moments notice. As newer families moved into our apartment complex, I met more and more of them, and quickly found that becoming part of their group provided me with fast friends. The trouble was that the apartments had become an area for the gang named "black gangster disciples". I wanted to belong very badly to a group, especially one that hated the clique that had shunned me. The gang was more than willing to include me. I then got involved in drugs and stealing, and fighting.....lots of fighting. All of this was to make and keep "friends."  By this time, I used people to achieve what I needed. I was fairly intelligent, and would use that to my advantage to get people to do what I wanted. My issues with saying no continued though, and lead to to do things I didn't want to do still. I was a broken mess, who still found social events to be exhausting. People were a jigsaw puzzle with so many missing pieces that I could never solve it.

Chad can testify to my short fuse back when we met (1989). Throughout the early 90's, I was a ticking time bomb on the verge of killing someone for looking at me funny. I was willing to fight with anyone, anywhere, at any time. In my early 20's, I had Chad, and my two kids, and no real friends to speak of. I was out to prove I didn't need anyone, even Chad knew he was expendable. (love you honey!)

This is where I was when God entered the picture in 1998. Now, just over 20 years since I became a Christian, and am happy to report that He is still working feverishly in my heart to correct all these wrong and sinful attitudes. It began by Him graciously showing me my sinfulness. when it came to wrong thoughts about people. God showed me that I am not independent, and not in control of my life. Slowly, very slooowwwllllyyyyyy, God has torn down the wall I spent years building (the dust is still settling). He has really convicted me that others are "created in His image" (Genesis 1:27), and when I would start going back to old thought patterns (thinking people are exhausting, not worth the effort, to be kept at arm's length, or just obstacles to be stepped over and manipulated to get what I want) the Holy Spirit is quick to let the rooster crow and show me my sin. This has been a long road, and this journey still continues. It is hard to change so many years of history that has shaped the essence of who I have become, actually it is impossible apart from Christ. It has been painful at times, as sanctification is never a pleasant experience. I will be the first to admit that making friends still isn't easy for me. People can be needy and unkind. Most times I still find socializing exhausting. I spend a lot of time in prayer trying to set reasonable expectations of others, wanting to be vulnerable and open with others, and figuring out how to meet the needs of others while setting healthy boundaries.

When God first started this process, I began to realize that my definition of "friendship" was all wrong, all worldly. Friends were the people in my life I expected to meet every demand, always have my back, and love me unconditionally, all while I invested very little of my own energy doing the same. Like a self-fulfilling prophecy, I set myself up to prove my hypothesis that people were untrustworthy, and would stab you in the back the first chance they got. As I studied God's word, He lead me to passages like these:

"A friend loves at all times." (Proverbs 17:17)

A sweet friendship refreshes the soul." (Proverbs 27:9)

"Love one another." (Romans 12:10)

"Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others." (Philippians 2:4)

"He who withholds kindness from a friend forsakes the fear of the Almighty." (Job 6:14)

"Bear one another's burdens." (Galatians 6:2)

"Encourage one another and build one another up." (1 Thessalonians 5:11)

"Serve one another." (1 Peter 4:10)

"Do to others as you would have then do to you." (Luke 6:31)

"...that we may be mutually encouraged by each other's faith." (Romans 1:12)

"Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.' (Proverbs 27:17)

"And this commandment we have from him: whoever loves God must also love his brother." (1 John 4:21)

"Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends." (John 15:13)

"Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity." (Colossians 3:12-14)

Scripture turns my definition on its head! Friends are not put into our lives to do our bidding, or meet our needs. Friends are are a blessing from God. People who choose to love us, because God loves us. God commands us to love and serve others. Yes, friendships take work, and it requires that we die to our own selfish desires. It is an intentional choice to love someone, not because we want something in return, but in response to what Christ has already done.

Friends are a gift that are placed in our lives to help encourage our faith, to correct and rebuke us, and to carry our burdens, as we carry theirs. A friend is not just a person who agrees with you, or is easy to talk to. Each brother and sister in Christ, each of our neighbors, every person who tries talking to us n line at the grocery store, are all opportunities to show Christ's love to others. We can create true friendships, built upon a firm foundation with God and His Word as it's base. We are only able to love and forgive others, because we have been loved and forgiven by God. We recognize God's image in the face of others, even those who are different than we are. Yes, even those who are "weird" or difficult or hard to love.

God is graciously continuing His work in me. I have a long way to go in this area. I still tend to be exhausted (mentally and physically) after social events. My self-righteousness still rears its ugly head when I walk away from interactions wondering why someone didn't ask about me. The Lord is quickly making the theme of 2019 "it isn't about me." Another painful, but necessary sanctifying lesson to be learned. I pray that God would show each of you your sinfulness, and your desperate need of a Savior. I pray He opens your eyes to the people around you, that maybe you tend to overlook. Those who were all created in His image, and could use a true friend. The kind that sticks closer than a brother (Proverbs 18:24), not because you want something from them, but because you love God so much that His love bubbles up and pours over onto others. May He gently remind us all that this life is not about us, but it is about Him.

Until Next Time~
Shari

Staring At The Glass

Some have called me a pessimist. I, however, prefer to think of myself as a realist. I will admit that if I am asked the age old question, "Is the glass half full or half empty?", my answer would always be the same. Looking at a 16 oz glass with 8 oz of liquid in it, I would say the glass is half empty. Others of you might say that the glass is half full. Realistically, whatever you call it, it is still 8 ounces of liquid in a 16 ounce cup.

Some days we might see that glass and wonder where the missing 8 ounces went. We might reflect back to a time we drank it down. Did we spill it? Waste it? Or was it a refreshing thirst quencher?

We might look at that half empty glass, and realize we started with only 8 ounces even though our travel mug has always held 16 ounces. We might begin to think it seems unfair. Why do others get a full glass, when we only get a measly 8 oz.?

There will also be days that we don't care about how much water we have at all, but are concerned more about the container. One person may have a crystal goblet, and another may have an old travel mug with a broken handle.

On days when we are feeling optimistic, we are aware of that cold 8 fluid ounces of water sitting in our cup, and we feel bad we have so much when others don't have any.

Today, on this Christmas Eve, I sit here looking at my cup, and I am simply grateful. The 8 ounces that I do have are a gift from God, the same way 16 ounces would be, or even an empty glass. It doesn't matter if my glass is big or little, glass or tin. The most important thing is to remember who gave us the gift.

Christmas is the best time to reflect upon God's perfect gift to us-- His son, Jesus Christ. Jesus says, "If anyone thirsts, let him come to me and drink" in John 7:37. I am praying we will all remember that Jesus truly is the reason for the season. I also pray that we are able to be thankful as we gather tonight and tomorrow, perhaps with family or friends, or even as we sit alone. Whether we have 16, 8 or 0 ounces in the glass in front of us, we can and should be thankful for whatever God has provided each of us, being careful not to compare it to what other people have. So this Christmas, lets give thanks to the Lord, for our cup truly does runneth over. Merry Christmas!

Until Next Time~
Shari

I Was Only Trying To Help

We all know the feeling we have when a dear friend, or beloved family member is hurting, sick, depressed, or grieving. We feel helpless. We want to do something to help. In some ways, we need to do somethings tangible to feel useful, and let them know we love them. I understand this need. I am a "fixer" of problems. A trait perhaps most often considered a "man thing" to do. Over the years, I have learned to become a better listener, without listing out the steps to fix the problem (as I see it). I still find this difficult at times, as my mind works in a logical and sequential manner. I enjoy solving puzzles. When I hear a hurting friend say they are struggling, or they have a problem, I immediately think "well, let's fix the problem, then you can be happier, and in turn that makes me feel good to be useful."

I also have had moments when I am sharing my struggles with someone, and they pounce on me with a list things I can do to fix the problem. Over the years, people have bought me vitamins and supplements (or try to sell their brand to me). Given me medical or cook books. Sent me a mile high stack of articles and emails regarding treatment ideas or research. I am also learning something being on the other side of the "fixer." I am learning grace. To be very honest, my first response is irritation at times. I question why people would think I have not considered any of the options they are suggesting. I am a researcher by nature, and have read books, articles, blog posts, and many medical journals looking for answers over the years. I do eat a diet I feel is healthy for me. Perhaps the worst is my response to my several friends who sell the products they believe in, and have worked for them, when I think "No I don't want to buy product x, or I would have bought it." I feel guilty when people spend money to buy books and supplements, when I know that I will likely toss them. I have learned that people need to feel useful and they show love by trying to help fix the problem, just like I am guilty of doing.

One of the problems with being a "fixer" is that it is a way to make ourselves feel better. We feel the need to help, so we do, but in a way we think might be helpful instead of finding out what would actually be helpful to the individual suffering. I have come to understand that feeling of helplessness. I know that I have so many wonderful friends who care, and truly want to help me. They hurt because I hurt. I have to be gracious in my response to their offer of help, and hopefully they will be gracious in return if I seem to not take their advice. (Let me just take a minute here to ask forgiveness to those I have turned away with an unkind word. I am sorry. I am learning to think before I speak, but I am a sinner. I love you all, and would not want to hurt you, and I know you have a concern for me at the root of your offer.)

You all know how I love an analogy, although sometimes I have trouble thinking of a truly effective image, but I am going to try! I am sure you have been in a grocery store when you realize you are in the way of another shopper. You swerve to be considerate, thinking you will give preference to the other person, and patiently wait. But then, just as you swerve, so does the other shopper! You are both trying to do the "right" thing by helping the other person, but in the process you both have gotten in each other's way again! I have had this happen numerous times, and occasionally we have both then corrected our swerves and again ended up in the way. This situation is uncomfortable, and frequently ends in a nervous smile and one person saying "you go ahead, I won't move."

There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to help someone else, but perhaps we should take a minute to listen and identify how we can really be of use. For me, I would prefer someone just say "how can I help?" If I need a ride, or someone to grab a prescription, or mail a package for me, I will ask those whom have offered to help in the ways I need. Some people may not have a tangible way that they need help, maybe a kind word or card, and a listening ear without judgment, is the best "fix" you can give them. Prayer is always a wonderful gift! When we serve others the way they want to be served, instead of in the way we want to serve them, we avoid the nervous smile. We walk together, instead of one of us stepping aside, and telling the other one to go ahead and pass by.

Hopefully, you understand that I am not upset with anyone, I am just trying to say that we could all do a better job of helping the hurting in a way they want/need to be helped, instead of a way that we think will solve the problem. The truth is there are not many things I haven't tried (at least for a time) and the only thing remotely useful thus far has been dietary changes. I lost weight, lowered my cholesterol and blood pressure, but I also continued to worsen with the neurological disease, so clearly it is not a cure-all. I am thankful that your aunt's neighbor, or your cousin's best friend tried a certain diet/vitamin/doctor and got much better. I really am glad to hear that, but I also know that all our bodies are very different, our diagnoses are not the same, and a "one size fits all" approach does not work. When people ask about my dietary changes I tell them, but I do say "it worked for me, but I doubt it will work for everyone." This may be a whole different post, but just the fact they call it "practicing medicine" gives us a glimpse into the difficulty of how different people's bodies respond differently to the same health issue. This is why you can have many people with a herniated disc, and have them all have different outcomes. One gets better, or maybe never has any pain. One needs some therapy, a steroid injection and takes a few months to feel better. Another may need surgery or may be permanently disabled. Doctors tell me half the population would have a herniated disc show up on an MRI, but most never know it because they feel no pain! I am sure you can begin to see the difficulties with treating every person with the same plan!

At the end of the day, hopefully we can all learn to love less selfishly, pray more diligently, and extend grace more consistently, growing more and more each day to reflect Jesus in our lives. I love you all, and am so thankful for your prayers! 💜

Until Next Time~
Shari

Lost In Space

I thought I would try to write a short post, since I have been very wordy recently! I mentioned the sensory and motor nerve issues that were discovered on my tests in yesterday's post. I have been thinking about the doctor explaining this all to us.

Tests showed some motor nerve involvement. This would cause weakness, and muscle atrophy, which is why I fatigue quickly, and can't walk as far as I used to. There is also some demyelination. Myelin is the protective covering over your nerves. It is like the outside plastic sheath on electrical wires. When nerves show signs of demyelination it means that the protective coating is being destroyed by the disease process. Just like a short in an electrical wire, without the coating on the nerves, the signals slow or stop and cannot pass correctly along the nerve, getting lost along the way.

My tests also show sensory nerve damage. In fact, my testing shows that this part is the worst part of my particular case. The doctor said it was one of the worst sensory exams he has done. Sensory nerves help you feel hot or cold. They allow you to feel rough and smooth surfaces. They enable you to walk, and feel the ground under your feet. My legs are numb from my toes to my hips. So much so that I have burned myself in the shower without realizing it. One of the biggest problems with not having much feeling in your limbs, is the difficulty your brain has trying to communicate properly with them. I cannot always tell where my feet are in space. Proprioception is the brain's ability to have a sense of the position of all our body parts as we move. It usually lets us know how hard we are pushing down, or weight bearing.

Because of all of this, I am a bit "lost in space." I start to take a step forward, and instead I lose my balance and end up side-stepping to try to stop from falling (danger Will Robinson!). I end up going in a direction that I did not intend to go, and THAT sums up our life right now. It probably seems like a lot of your lives too. We think we are headed in one direction (at work or home, perhaps medically or relationally), when we realize we have had to do a couple quick side steps to stop from falling. I went to Mayo thinking that we would get answers about our future (learn more about my prognosis), and came home questioning our past.

Proverbs 16:9 reminds us that "The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps." We may feel like we are stumbling around. It may seem like we are falling and side-stepping instead of heading in the direction we should be going, but God has ordained our steps. We may not feel like we are on a straight path. Our idea of straight may be different from the Lord's. God's ways are higher than ours. His purposes mightier. We are to trust in the Lord with all our heart, and not lean on our understanding, but in all our ways acknowledge Him. If we do, He promises us to make our paths straight. (Proverbs 3:5-6)

I have said many, many times that this is not a path I would have ever chosen. I don't think anyone in their right mind would sign up for this, but I believe with all my heart, that I am walking this road for God's glory and my good. I am thankful for His loving discipline, and the Spirit's leading and guiding. I am grateful that He has begun teaching me patience, love and compassion. I am praying that God would graciously open your eyes to His truth, open your heart to His Son, and give you faith to trust that He is making our crooked paths straight.

Until Next Time~
Shari

It's About Time

Hello! Thousands of seconds have ticked by between my last blog post and this one, which is literally about time. With very little thought I can come up with a long list of song lyrics and sayings that mention the word or concept of time. Some talk of "time flying by" while others ponder "making up for lost time." We can surely all admit to "wasting time" at various points in our lives, and I bet most of us have been told that "time heals all wounds." While that may not be totally true, I do think time can make us remember things differently than we felt when going through the events.

Looking back causes me to reflect on a number of physical abilities I used to have, and think of them in a more favorable light than I perhaps once did, though I am quickly reminded to not spend my remaining years looking in the rear view mirror. Contentment comes when I choose to embrace this moment in time, be thankful for it, and enjoy where I am right now. Minute by minute I get through each pain-filled day by God's grace, not by reminiscing about what used to be, or what could be, but by simply being grateful for what is.

So, the topic of time was on my mind since I saw the cardiologist today. I completed the 30-day heart monitor, and then tried 30 days of medication for the arrhythmia I have. Thankfully they were able to record a few of the events on the heart monitor, so an implanted device is not necessary. YAY! They did not see any A-fib (which was their biggest concern). (For those of you interested, there were PVC's, and PAC's that caused atrial runs/PSVT.) I have decided since this isn't dangerous, to forgo any more medication at this time, and just follow-up with the doctor if anything changes. Thank you all for your prayers, and praise God that this is nothing serious!!

The constant pain continues, some days being worse than others. I manage each hour as it comes, trying to minimize medication usage, but still get enough relief that I feel halfway decent. It is quite the balancing act! Upcoming appointments with both the neurologist and new rheumatologist to discuss long-term treatment, will hopefully provide more relief than I am currently experiencing! The battle continues one day and one medical decision at a time. I still covet your prayers! This is a long, hard road I am on, that comes with many difficult decisions to be made.

The elevator has been on hold, as we have been awaiting a backordered door. We had anticipated being done (or nearly done) by now, but we have hit one snag after another. "If it can go wrong, it will" pretty much sums up the construction process thus far! Lord willing, we will get things wrapped up and inspected by the beginning of May. Stay tuned for final pictures!

Hopefully each of you will make some time to enjoy this beautiful day! Each day is a gift to be thankful for, so stop looking in the rear view mirror, and look around at where God has brought you to in this very moment, and give Him thanks and praise for bringing you here!

Until next time~
Shari

Garbanzo Beans and Other Things

Many years ago, when our children were actually children, Chad and I were having lunch along the lakefront near the planetarium in Chicago. I was on one of my health kicks, and had made a new recipe for some bean salad, that I packed without tasting first. Sitting in the grass overlooking the water, we started to eat. I soon realized that I was no fan of garbanzo beans, or at least not cold, out of a can, in a bean salad. I started to pick them out, and fling them over to the side, where the seagulls instantly swooped in to help themselves. (I will digress for just a moment, because this day has two funny stories!) If you are not aware, seagulls can be very aggressive and unafraid when trying to eat your lunch, and we actually got up and ran away leaving most of our items, including cooler and blanket, because they were literally swarming us, and a bit scary!

But, the reason I bring this story up, is that the seagulls, while they did seem to enjoy our chips and sandwich we left behind, apparently they did not like garbanzo beans either. One gull after another picked one up in it's beak, only to spit it back out. We were laughing about all of this, and it is one of those memories you tend to bring up from time to time.

I have been a bit MIA lately on social media, and even in real life. I have had to cancel several visits with friends, and even some doctor appointments. I have been dealing with a LOT of pain. The doctors also decided to try another 30-day wearable heart monitor before they implant the long term one. This is part of my prayer request by the way. I am 16 days into the 30 days, and still have not been able to record the intermittent palpitations I have been having. I am praying for a strong one, that is captured on the recorder in hopes of avoiding the implant.

In addition to all this, I got a cold last week. A cold that has hung on through several boxes of tissues, and not been helped by OTC cold meds. A cold that has lead to a deep cough and plenty of sinus headache pain. Last night, I was feeling very sick, and my headache was getting worse. Chad picked up some Panera soup for dinner, and I got worse as the evening wore on. That headache turned into a horrible migraine. With all the cold meds, pain meds, steroids, and other things I have been on, I waited too long to take the migraine medications, because of drug interaction worries. I finally called the pharmacist around 7 pm, and started the "rescue med" drugs. After several hours of pain, made so much worse with every cough and sneeze, and the inevitable vomiting because of the migraine, I dozed off, cuddled up with my bucket a few times, only to wake up at 2 am and start the course of meds all over again. By 5:30 this morning, my headache was finally gone, but my cold seems worse today.

Garbanzo beans, or you may know them as chickpeas, are perhaps still not my favorite, but I do LOVE hummus, and was surprised to know that is the main ingredient. So, why do I bring this all up? (those with weak stomachs may want to skip ahead to the next paragraph) The "soup" Chad got me was the turkey chili, which has garbanzo beans, and reminded me of the story above, but also, after last night, I was reminded how much I am not a fan of them.

The chronic pain is very difficult, but when it is increased with a flare-up, and then compounded upon with other problems, it becomes unbearable. The kind of unbearable that leaves you weak on a bathroom floor, cold and sick, hugging a toilet in the middle of the night, and begging God for relief. I will be honest I asked for healing, but I also prayed for a more permanent kind of relief.

On a good day, my hope is to grow old with Chad, see future grandchildren grow up, and hopefully walk with the Lord. What joy could be greater than to see your children, and grandchildren, generation after generation, come to know and love the Lord?! (3 John 1:4; Psalm 78:6)

On a bad day, this light and momentary suffering draws me into the strong arms of my loving Savior, and makes me long for glory, when He will wipe every tear from my eye, my pain will end, and I will dance again. Today is likely not that day, but if it were, I would be ready. No matter what your circumstances are, or how old you are, this day is fast approaching and comes without warning. Are you ready?

I am very thankful for a my husband who was right there with me all night, losing sleep, so that I might find rest. I am thankful for my dear friend, who is currently studying the book of Job with me, as last night I was feeling a bit of Job's despair. I am also thankful to pastors who faithfully expository preach through God's word. I have been re-listening to the series on Job from Pastor Megchelsen, which has been a wonderful reminder of God's purpose in suffering, my call to suffer well, and to know that my life is not meaningless. Sometimes, in the midst of all this, it is easy to feel like I have no purpose, and his sermons this week have really reminded me that even in the little things I am able to do, God is at work.

I pray you are able to lean on the strength of God even in your weakness. No matter how dark the moment is, God's light does shine through. Keep your eyes fixed upon Christ! I truly appreciate your prayers. This has been a rough couple of weeks. May God's will be done! Thankful for you all <3

Until Next Time ~
Shari

Wait and See

Thursday morning started like any other, except my left eye was irritated and my vision seemed a little blurry. Yesterday I woke up, and it was worse. I quickly noticed that when I covered my right eye, everything seemed dimmer and gray. My eye ball actually hurts, not a lot mind you, but enough that I feel it, and that isn't normal. The medical geek in me decided to do a pupil reaction test to light, and quickly discovered that my left pupil dilated (it should constrict) when I shined a light in my eye. The right side seems normal. This concerned me enough to call my optometrist and go see her a couple hours later.

She confirmed that I had "afferent pupillary defect" (pupil dilates instead of contracts), and that my left optic nerve was larger than the right. With the other test results, symptoms, and my complex medical history, she said she thought it was Optic Neuritis. She called the neuro-ophthalmologist at Aurora Eye Clinic, and they squeezed me in an hour later. This doctor (who was wonderful by the way), said she thinks it is likely Optic Neuritis, but my vision had not deteriorated enough to justify the normal treatment plan of 3-day IV steroids, which will make me "very sick" according to her, inpatient at a hospital. I am supposed to call immediately if anything changes, and I will see her again next Friday. She said I may have caught it early enough that it hasn't gotten that bad yet. Symptoms sometimes develop over 7 days or so.

So we wait and see. At least I hope I still see. Thinking a lot yesterday about how we take for granted so many things our body does with ease, until it doesn't. I watch people breeze up a set of stairs without a second thought, and I wish I had been more thankful for that ability. Now, I look around and see beautiful colors, and am thankful for my vision. May I encourage you today to take a step back, look around, and spend some time being grateful for some of the functions your body performs without a second thought.

"I will praise you, 

for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

Marvelous are Your works,

and that my soul knows very well."

~Psalm 139:4

Please pray that whatever is going on clears up on its own without getting worse. If things do progress, pray that I will catch it early and the treatment would be effective, without making me "very sick."

I stumbled upon this song this morning by Chris Tomlin, and am so very thankful that God is "sovereign in my greatest joy, sovereign in my deepest cry." Be encouraged, in whatever you are facing today, if you are in Christ, God is with you.

Until next time-
~Shari

I Used To Love Lemonade

I used to love lemonade. When I gave up sugar and grains a few years ago, it was one of the things I missed most. I am sure you know the old saying, "when life hands you lemons, make lemonade." It seems lately I have been handed more lemons than I know what to do with, and I don't drink lemonade, so what's a girl to do?

Pain levels lately (mostly from my neck pain) have been very high. I have been managing that pain with lots of different medications. It feels like I am just spending my days trying to survive the pain-filled day, only to go to bed, wake up and start all over again. On top of the increased pain level, I have had constant muscle twitching, with frequent spasms in my legs. The short days and restless sleep bring increased fatigue. This past two weeks has also brought a cold, UTI, and almost daily headaches (a few actual migraines).

So what is a girl to do with a 20-lb sack of lemons? I just slice them up, and use them one at a time. (They taste great in water or tea!) One day at a time. One "lemon" at a time. That is how I am dealing with this all right now. Thinking about how I am going to feel in 10 years if this continues, overwhelms me, but thinking about right now, this minute, I am doing it. I am surviving it. People frequently tell me they could never handle all this, or that I am such a strong person to keep going, but the truth is that there is nothing special about me.

I deal with it the same way you all would. I manage one day at a time. Sometimes, just one minute at a time. I do often want to give up, but really what does that look like? Life still goes on around me. I still have to shower, get dressed, and eat at a bare minimum. I need to take care of some basic things around my house. I have a family, and although they are older and self-sufficient, I like to think they still need me. :)

I can't really "give up" even when I though I some times want to. I don't have a choice to quit. I can't make myself well. I can't just stop the train and get off. So, I press on. My choice is to remember all that God has graciously provided for me, including the medicines that make the pain more bearable, and be thankful each night that I manage to make it through another day. The only other choice is to become bitter, like the lemons, and miss out on enjoying this life I have been given.

Dealing with all of this has definitely slowed me down. I can't just rush through life too busy to stop and smell the roses. Not just because I choose to, but because it is honestly not physically possible to rush around anymore. So, I try to gather all the "lemons", slice them up, and eat them one wedge at a time. I try to enjoy that they flavor my life, and not let them make me bitter. I cling to God, and His promises, and try to enjoy my slower-paced life, and extended periods of alone time that can be used in sweet communion with great friends, a loving family, and a righteous Savior, who laid His life down for mine.

I know that every thing I experience has been filtered through my Lord's loving hands, to produce good fruit in my life, to remind me to appreciate those people He has placed in my life, and to be thankful each morning that I have another day in which to slice lemons.

Until next time~
Shari

IVs and Hand Sanitizer.....Here We Go Again

July 2016 is when I had my first infusion of the chemotherapy drug Rituxan. Now, one year later, things have definitely gone downhill. Balance issues have become one of the worst symptoms, as I have several "near falls" daily. Stair climbing and long walks are getting more difficult, if not impossible. The muscle cramping and constant twitching is painful and irritating. Sleepless nights leading to overwhelming fatigue are also part of my new normal.

Today, Chad joined me at my neurologist appointment at Northwestern. We spent some time reviewing how I was last year, how I was during the 6 months of chemo, and how things have gotten worse since I stopped. The doctor thinks I should restart the infusions, and see if we notice a lessening or slowing of symptoms again. I have agreed to give it another go around, but with some reservations. As I have mentioned in the past, there are a lot of potentially dangerous side effects. There isn't a good way to predict who will have these issues, or when. I will need to be diligent again about avoiding sick people over the next 6 months.

Some days I am convinced to just stop all treatment and let the progression happen naturally. Other days, I am certain that fighting this is the best course. Honestly, it is not an easy decision. Nothing about this is easy. Life isn't very accessible, so even if I just get to a point where I need my wheelchair full time, it makes everything harder. There are places I can't go alone, items I cannot reach, and pain. Lots of pain. Both from the disease itself, and from the added difficulty of maneuvering.

Pain is part of my daily life. Thankfully a blend of prescriptions and the medical cannabis has made it bearable and allowed me to get back out into the world. I have been doing a lot more things I enjoy, so that is a good thing. I do hate that it takes a lot of meds to get me to that point, but am grateful for the relief.

The lack of accessibility is frustrating and exhausting. You just don't realize how difficult it is to shop, or enjoy lunch with friends while in a wheelchair, until you actually try to do those things while in a wheelchair. I have been tempted to start a Twitter or Instagram account just to post #disabilityfails posts. There are so many "accessible" rooms, parking spots, businesses, and bathrooms where items like chairs, boxes, or other things are stacked to utilize that "large storage space" rendering those places completely unaccessible. (I do not think that word "accessible" means what you think it means)

We have spent the last month remodeling the house. Most of the process has been windows, doors, and siding to update our home and make it more insulated, but we also remodeled the powder room to make it accessible. We have an appointment on September 20th with an elevator company. That day is coming quicker than I would like. I pray the chemo helps slow things down, halts the progress, or even reverses it. (is that too much to ask?) I at least hope we have enough time to recuperate, both financially and mentally, for the next round of remodeling, as an elevator install is no small undertaking! My mental health definitely requires a break from construction for a while too!! haha

I continually praise God for His faithfulness. He has patiently taught me so much through all of these trials. He has provided me with fantastic friends who pray for me and with me, who send a cheerful message or card just when I need it most, and give selflessly of their time to sit with me during infusions, drive me to doctors, or bring a meal (even with my crazy paleo diet). God has strengthened family relationships too. I would never have chosen to go through any of this, but I stand in awe as I look back over the last several difficult years, and see His handiwork in my heart, and all around. His mercies truly are new every morning! Turn to God, through Jesus Christ, and may He give you the forgiveness and sustaining grace you need to get through this painful life. <3

Until next time-
~Shari

Seeking the Lesser

Being sick stinks. It doesn't matter if you have a cold, the flu or a stomach bug, no one wants to be ill. Chronic illness is a difficult and unpleasant road, and I want off of it. There is rarely a day that goes by that I don't pray for God to heal me, to ease my pain, to make my body work right. I know that He is able. I started reading the book of Mark this morning, and although I have heard the story dozens of times, this morning it seemed to really touch my heart.

Mark 2:1-12 (ESV)

Jesus Heals a Paralytic

"And when he returned to Capernaum after some days, it was reported that he was at home. 2 And many were gathered together, so that there was no more room, not even at the door. And he was preaching the word to them. 3 And they came, bringing to him a paralytic carried by four men. 4 And when they could not get near him because of the crowd, they removed the roof above him, and when they had made an opening, they let down the bed on which the paralytic lay. 5 And when Jesus saw their faith, he said to the paralytic, “Son, your sins are forgiven.” 6 Now some of the scribes were sitting there, questioning in their hearts, 7 “Why does this man speak like that? He is blaspheming! Who can forgive sins but God alone?” 8 And immediately Jesus, perceiving in his spirit that they thus questioned within themselves, said to them, “Why do you question these things in your hearts? 9 Which is easier, to say to the paralytic, ‘Your sins are forgiven,’ or to say, ‘Rise, take up your bed and walk’? 10 But that you may know that the Son of Man has authority on earth to forgive sins”—he said to the paralytic— 11 “I say to you, rise, pick up your bed, and go home.” 12 And he rose and immediately picked up his bed and went out before them all, so that they were all amazed and glorified God, saying, “We never saw anything like this!”"

The paralytic man was brought to Jesus to be made well. Jesus tells him that his sins are forgiven. People hearing this, grumble, question, and accuse him of blasphemy. It was Jesus' response that really hit me this morning, and was a great reminder. Jesus asks "which is easier, to say to the paralytic, 'Your sins are forgiven,' or to say, 'Rise, take up your bed and walk'? 

Jesus had already told the man his sins are forgiven, but it wasn't until Jesus healed him that "all were amazed and glorified God." May it not be that I would be a person who seeks a healing, a simple sign, or the "easier" of the two. Today I was reminded that for Jesus, healing me is the lesser, just frosting on the cake if you will. What I should be doing is thanking God for doing the greater in my life. My sins are forgiven!! I am amazed!! May I bring glory to God by telling you all, that it is God alone who forgives sin, and He provided that through His Son, Jesus Christ.

It may not be a sin to want to be well (although it certainly can easily become sin), but I urge you to seek the greater and not the lesser. May we quit seeking wellness, relief, an easy life, or a quick fix! Turn from your sin and seek the One who can do both the greater and lesser. Remember that forgiveness of sins is the greater work in your life; the greater gift and blessing. May my longing to be something I am not (in my case made well, it may be something different for you), be replaced with gratitude for what I am. Praise be to God-

I AM REDEEMED!!!

Until next time-

~Shari