Just One Click

 Sometimes it only takes one click to take you back. Most days I don't think about it, but it most definitely impacts my life daily. It shaped who I am, what I do, and how I respond to both people and situations. Just one click on a documentary that was recommended for me got me thinking, and then blogging. Leave No Trace is a documentary about the Boy Scouts and their downfall as stories and documents were brought to light about ten of thousands of boys who were sexually abused in the scouts program and camps. 

In my last post, I talked about being bullied and how that made me an angry teen, but I didn't touch on this other reason for that anger. The specific incident this documentary made me think of happened shortly after my 13th birthday. My mother had always told me stories of my sister being a candy striper at our local hospital, and I really wanted to do it also. I lived about 3 blocks from Mercy Center in Aurora, and walked over to ask questions about it. I learned you had to be 13 to volunteer, and they no longer called them candy stripers. On my 13th birthday, in May 1983, I walked over to Mercy Center again and signed up to be a volunteer. I started off delivering flowers to patients the very next day. I had no friends, so I had a lot of time that summer. Within a few days, I was given more hours and duties. I started working at 6 am each weekday in the admitting office. 

In 1983, the hospital had no computers, so there were piles of paper charts and a huge white board with every bed number in the 5 story building. We had to keep track of each patient coming in and going out. I would get them to complete paperwork, give them a wrist band, assign them a bed, and walk them up to their room. I LOVED this job and must have excelled, because after a couple of weeks, the manager was letting me come in alone on Saturday mornings to check in the rare patient who had a weekend admission. 

In the course of my duties, I had a lot of contact with the nursing station and environmental services to make sure beds were empty and clean. I will spare you the horrid details, but the first week of August that summer, less than 8 weeks from when I started, I was standing in the volunteer coordinator's office being fired. I was sobbing and begging, but she was adamant. As I stood there very upset, weeping and shaking, she explained that a nurse had reported me being in a utility closet with a (30 year old) janitor. She raised her voice to shame me for being young and not understanding that people had jobs to do, and I was an unhelpful distraction. Yes, you may have guessed, I wasn't in that closet looking for supplies. I often wondered how that nurse and supervisor were able to turn a blind eye to something so heinous, but by then, I had already learned how to keep silent and had no self worth.

To be honest, sometimes I wonder if I had a sign on my forehead. I am not joking. I was sexually abused by 5 different adults by the time I was 18. As a teen I was also an easy target for the boys in my age bracket. "Date rape" wasn't a term I heard in the 80's, but I definitely understand what it is and how it happens....at least for me. I was really unable to say "no". I had learned that I didn't have a voice or a choice. I deserved what I got, or at least that is what I thought. I rationalized that if I wouldn't have been there, it wouldn't have happened, so there is no one to blame but myself.

As you might guess, I dealt with depression and anxiety, but I was also angry at the world around me. I really was broken. As broken as a person can be anyways. I had trouble making real friendships and had no sense of "self". My past continues to impact my present, although less than it once did. I still keep people at a distance, have trouble trusting people, and I may never have a truly healthy view of sex, but having a wonderful, patient and understanding husband has absolutely been great medicine!

The two of us dealt with my past when we went to counseling in the mid 1990's, and shortly after that is when we came to Christ. People like to present Christianity as a "cure all". The message that frequently gets communicated either directly or indirectly is, "Trust Jesus and you will be happy and healthy." If you know anything about my life or have read this blog, you will know I am not healthy physically and have struggled with mental health in my life as well, so that clearly isn't a true picture of Christianity.

God's word doesn't promise us health or wealth, at least not the earthly defined type. He does tell us that He is with those who love Him. He comforts us, petitions God the Father on our behalf, gives us His Spirit to guide and strengthen us, and leaves us his Word to give us peace. Christ knows my pain. He shares in our sufferings. He suffered unimaginable pain while hanging on a cross, dying, bearing the weight of my sin. He took my place then, so that I might have life everlasting. On that day, I will know what true health and wealth is. Between now and then, I will keep clinging to my Savior, trusting Him to continue to heal my heart. He is teaching me to love and forgive others as He loves and forgives me. If you haven't trusted Christ, asked Him to forgive you, and placed your faith in him, my friend, please cry out to Him today. He won't take away all the pain instantly, but He will see you through it. 

The early years of my life were marked by trauma, grief and loss. The later years have been marked by grace, healing, and restoration. Praise be to God!


Until Next Time~

Shari

P.S. In case you missed the posts about my childhood and early adulthood.

We're Not Crazy

By now, unless you live in a cave, you have surely heard of the COVID-19 "novel coronavirus". The divide in America that I have mentioned before, is now focused on the virus instead of politics, but it still gets ugly very quickly! So, whenever I have a lot of thoughts gathering in my brain, I blog about them. I thought I would add my non-medical two cents worth to this whole ordeal (aren't you lucky).

1. "Panic Buying" - Stores are relatively empty of virtually all kinds of grocery items, and definitely out of hand sanitizer, face masks and toilet paper by now. My first point that we should consider, is that people are SCARED. This fear reveals the worst of humanity, the total depravity of man shows itself clearly as shoppers fight over toilet paper. Please pause and consider the shopper behind you who may not be able to get basic supplies they need for survival. If you weren't concerned about the virus at all, you may now be worried about the lack of food, and resulting ripples throughout the economy.

If you have seen people shopping with masks and gloves, it is not always because of fear. Slowing the spread of the virus is not just to protect yourself. There are individuals that are at greater risk for contracting the illness. Some must wear masks to protect themselves or their children, so please be kind. It is so easy to laugh and think they are being ridiculous, like this mother who experienced shaming as she shopped for her family.

This is an opportunity for the body of Christ to reach out with the only message that can calm a soul, the healing balm of the Gospel. As a Christian, I should be wise, educate myself about the virus, be considerate of others and try not to spread the virus. I should recognize this fear, be understanding, listen, and spread the love of Christ instead. Hopefully we can all give consideration to others, and share some of our excess supplies with those who may have very little.

Another thing to consider about the excessive hoarding is the fact there are people with compromised immune systems that need some of the items that were bought in large quantity in the early days. (Read this article for a personal perspective). This leads to my next point....


2. "Price Gouging" - The market generally allows manufacturers and store owners to recognize demand for certain items. They lower prices to help get things sold that aren't selling (think clearance racks). They raise prices to slow sales when items are flying off shelves, while they increase production. Times like this bring out the greed in our society. Some people in an effort to make a lot of money, bought supplies so they could turn around and sell them for a huge profit. (This guy is stuck with 17,700 bottles of hand sanitizer) Again, this is our opportunity to share with those in need.

Under this heading, while I mentioned greed, I thought I could add the fact that almost immediately scams popped up regarding the virus. Selling useless/fake products, including offers of cures and vaccines. Please check for the facts from a reliable source like the Centers for Disease Control (CDC)


3. "Down Playing the Seriousness" - If you aren't concerned about the virus at all, then I think you need to read more about it. It is new, which is why it is called "novel". A couple months ago, they knew nothing about the virus. As experts try to learn quickly, they offer the best practices from the data they have received. I have seen many posts about people overreacting for no reason, or the flu killing more people each year. This virus doesn't have a year's worth of data. As far as all the closures being an overreaction, I would say they are not. Italy is literally choosing which patients get to use the available medical equipment (like ventilators) and which ones die. The US response is meant to slow or stop the spread of the virus so that it does not overwhelm the medical system. The virus is deadly, and while you might be young and healthy with mild symptoms, you can still spread it to others for whom it may be life threatening. To these people, this is a very big deal!

As a side note, please know that even if the virus doesn't end up affecting millions of people does NOT mean it was no big deal! It does mean that all the actions taken (closing businesses/schools, social distancing, washing your hands, etc) DID work, and the disease was starved of hosts. We should be thankful for that and not smug that you were right.

You may have also seen ageism and ableism rear it's ugly head with subtle comments like "it only affects the elderly and sick" or the not so subtle use of the term "the boomer remover" to label the virus. Things like this story are sickening, but again clearly display the sinfulness of man. In the midst of all of this, I hope we can remember that each of us was created in the image of God. As image-bearers, my prayer would be that we might be able to trust Him for our needs; that His Word would bring comfort to our hearts; and His Spirit would prompt us to act in a loving manner towards one another.

Times like these make it clear that none of us are promised tomorrow. The Bible is clear that "today is the day of salvation." So, you should "choose today whom you will serve" and place your faith in Jesus Christ alone for salvation. Believe that Christ died for your sins and was risen to provide eternal life for all who believe. Repent of your sins. Whether you have toilet paper or not, you can trust that God is in control. Life won't be easy, and you might still feel fearful, but you can absolutely trust Jesus and God's Word, and rest in Him. (2 Corinthians 6:2; Joshua 24:14; Mark 1:15)


4. Final reminders - Please, brothers and sisters, check on your neighbors, and help where you can. One thing this whole situation has helped me to see is that I should try to keep a few extra pantry goods, so that when something like this happens we have plenty to share with our neighbors in need. What a beautiful testimony to the unsaved world to be a calm and shining light in times like this! Be safe everyone and together we will get through this.

Until Next Time~
Shari

We Are Not That Different

In my medical journeys I have met many different people. I can put them into two groups for the purpose of my blog today. There are pessimists and optimists. In other words, there are people that can't see anything beyond their pain and loss of ability to do what they enjoy, and there are others that focus on what they still can do, and the good things in their life. My doctors believe that the people who can focus on the positive have better outcomes than those who don't (or perhaps can't).

In waiting rooms across the area, I have met many people who feel life isn't worth living because of their disability, diagnosis, or pain. I have also met people who seem happy despite their struggles. In most areas of my life, I think I probably fall firmly in the pessimistic camp, but if you have read any of my blog posts you might see that, by the grace of God, I am able to see the positive blessings in my life much more clearly than the struggles.

So what does all this have to do with my post today? Not much, except I wanted to point out the way we tend to group people into categories. We think in terms of black and white, even when we don't admit it. I personally like thinking in black and white terms because it makes sense. It is a neat, orderly way to view the world, but the problem is that the world is messy and gray. It took me years to figure that out. This is what my post is about. I am straying from my normal medical post to broach the subject of *gasp* politics.

I have witnessed an alarming trend the last few years, and I want to start a dialogue. We are more aware of bullying now than perhaps any other time in history, and yet my social media newsfeeds are filled with adults calling each other, groups, political parties, and specific people idiots (and much worse). Sadly and frequently these are the same adults that I see standing against bullying for their children, and fail to see that they are engaging in the same behavior.

Here is the truth: You are NOT an idiot, and neither am I. We are human. We make mistakes, we fail, do things we should not, say dumb things sometimes, and the list goes on and on. We have all been there. We have believed things we later discovered were not true. We jump to conclusions. We pass judgment (frequently without having all the facts). We criticize and name call, instead of truly trying to understand and learn from people who think differently than we do.

I have friends on both sides of the "aisle". Liberal and conservative. Christians, atheists, and other religions. Different races, classes and backgrounds. No matter what each of us believes, the truth is we are all human. Fundamentally the same. Largely comprised of oxygen, carbon, hydrogen, nitrogen, calcium, and phosphorus. (for you Star Trek TNG fans we are "useless bags of mostly water" 😃) When we boil it all down to that, NONE of us should feel superior.

As a nation that once prided itself on standing "united", we are the most divided we have ever been. We have lost the ability to have a civil conversation on many "hot button" issues. We dig our heels in, read things that confirm our own biases, and watch news stations that feed us the spin they know we already agree with. In a lot of ways, social media makes this all easier. "Trolls" are free to roam the internet and say things no one would ever say to someone's face.  It emboldens all of us to some extent. We "like" and "share" with little to no effort, and also with no confirmation of facts. We believe what we believe and are not likely to listen to groups who espouse contrary views.

I only bring this all up today, because yesterday, as I scrolled through social media, I saw posts from one group of friends who were calling certain political people morons. The very next post, from my other group of friends, was calling a different person crazy (which is a word I dislike for many reasons), and I felt disheartened. First, it is hard to hold out hope that our country can be united again. Do you remember the afternoon of September 11, 2001? Do you remember that feeling? Remember that you hugged your neighbor, despite their political or religious leanings? Can you fathom today that a random group of strangers would stop and pray, even if they all believe differently, simply because they had to do something....TOGETHER?

I feel sad that our nation that this era is punctuated with bullying at every age. That we are quick to name call, and spread "news" without really knowing it's source, or the bias of the person reporting it. I am especially downtrodden when I consider my dear brothers and sisters in Christ, fellow Christian believers, who post the same inflammatory, derogatory remarks, despite knowing that God clearly calls us to love our neighbor.

So, here it is. I love YOU. I believe with my whole heart that you and I were both created in the image of a holy and just God, and for that reason alone, you are deserving to be listened too, to be loved. We can love our neighbors (and are in fact called to do so) because He first loved us (1 John 4:19, Mark 12:31).

It is true that life has a lot of gray areas.  I pray that you might forgive me if I have ever said or done anything to imply you were stupid, or less than. I pray too that we might be able to share our beliefs in a non-judgmental way, really listening to each other, even if we still walk away with differing viewpoints.

This whole post was started because of a short clip of a documentary, and an interview of it's maker on WGN this morning. The documentary is called List(E)n. The preview shows the filmmaker bringing two people together over coffee to hear each other out. Two people on the opposite side of important issues, coming together to listen. This is how we stand united. We can believe differently, and still show respect and compassion for each other. Part of what made America what it is, is the ability to freely choose our religious and political views without fear of repercussions. Sadly, I fear this is no longer the case.

We are not that different. We are quirky and can be wrong sometimes (maybe even often?). We can be united in the fact that we have more in common than we do differences, or we can continue to see only the differences that divide. We can be optimistic and move forward together, choosing to focus on our similarities, or we can continue to bully everyone who doesn't believe the same as we do. Then maybe we can change our nation's motto to "divided we now stand". Can we start the conversation here? Tell me, what do you think?

Until Next Time~
Shari

The Heavy Weight of Scales

Once upon a time, I lived an active lifestyle: biking, running, walking, hiking, rock climbing, swimming, kayaking, the list goes on and on. I did all of our yard work, and helped shovel snow. I did all the shopping, and errands, and was always on the move. I have always tried to eat fairly healthy, not really denying myself any guilty pleasures, but always being careful not to over do it. Both of my parents were overweight all of their adult life, and genetically I am very similar. I have always had to be aware of what I eat, how much I eat, and how many calories I burn, and even then, I could still gain a couple pounds very easily.

The older we get, our metabolisms naturally slow, and weight loss does becomes more difficult. Genetics play a huge role in metabolism, and it is difficult (but not impossible) to overcome that genetic predisposition.

As you know, I am not as active as I once was. I have trouble walking even short distances. Chronic pain and arthritis keep me from doing much with my upper body also, so I do a lot more sitting than I once did. I have read many studies showing that "sitting is the new smoking", and if that is the case, I have a 3 pack a day habit!

Lack of real exercise (combined with my genetics and poor food choices) are causing me some issues.....again. I have been overweight before following my surgery in 2009. I held steady at 122 lbs for a few years, following a strict paleo diet. It was hard, very hard at times, especially when we were away from home, but I can be very disciplined when I put my mind to it!

Last year, my cardiologist told me to start adding some whole grains to my diet for heart health. I had already been slipping a little, because eating a strict paleo diet requires fresh ingredients, lots of washing and chopping and cooking. I was feeling worse, living with daily intense pain. I was having more difficulties doing my shopping, and stopped going to so many stores for fresh foods every few days. Cooking complicated recipes became too much on some days. The changes were small at first, and I rationalized that "it wouldn't hurt just this once" to eat something unhealthy. It wasn't long before "adding whole grains to my diet" just became "let's have a bowl of ice cream after dinner".

I convinced myself that I would work harder tomorrow. I rationalized that I was still eating more healthy food than bad, and it wasn't necessary to deprive myself of yummy treats. Now, 30 lbs later, I am nearing that weight I was back in 2012 when I started the paleo journey. My blood pressure is elevated again, and I am on medication for that. My blood sugar is out of whack frequently, and I am having digestive troubles again.

Anyone who has struggled with food, understands the mental games we play with ourselves. We promise ourselves it will be "just a little bit" or "just this once". The diet will start (over again) on Monday. A few pounds heavier, and we think we will cut back for a few days, or increase activity, and the weight will leave again....but we keep on doing the things we hate and having "just a little bit more." I have gained 30 lbs. The scale doesn't lie.

We play similar mental games to convince ourselves we are "good people." Sure, we have done some bad things (not too bad), said something we shouldn't have (not as bad as what other people say though), or thought things that aren't kind (but didn't actually act upon them). We add up all our good deeds on one side of the scale, and hope it outweighs the pile of bad things on the other side. The trouble is, that the scale doesn't lie, even if we try to convince ourselves.

The truth is that every thought, word, and deed is tainted with sin. The scale shows the truth, and there is no hiding from it when we step on. Hiding my head in the sand, or rationalizing does not change the fact: I am gaining too much weight, and it is not healthy. I am also a sinner, whose sins far outweigh the "good deeds" I have tried to do. Thankfully, Christ has come to take the weight of our sins upon Himself, for all who believe and repent. So, when God weighs our deeds, He will only see Jesus Christ, and His works where ours should be.

He is also here to offer grace, wisdom, and peace to me as I struggle to find a way to live as healthy as I can. Diet and exercise advice are all over the map! Having a disability makes exercising much more difficult, and I am still trying to find activities I can safely do without falling, or causing myself too much pain. I am trying to take one day at a time, trying to dig deep and find the discipline to eat right again, but I am also trying to extend grace to myself. I am so thankful to know that in all of my failings, Christ's forgiveness and mercy are never beyond reach.

Until Next Time~
Shari

What is Truth?

My post yesterday mentioned believing what is true, and holding firmly to that in the storm. So with that in mind, combined with a movie I watched last week (the name of which I cannot remember....which actually goes along with the basis of the movie. I am notoriously bad at remembering names of actors, movie titles, and even plots), I decided to dig into the topic of "truth" today.

The movie I am referring to had a murder mystery plot, but the purpose of the film was to point out that our memories, as well as the things we see or hear (or think we saw or heard) can never be proven or trusted. Our memories, feelings and thoughts betray us. The main character actually started to believe he had committed the murder, and was having flashbacks of doing it. Turns out the death was just an accident and the movie ends without more explanation. The movie concluded that because we can never be sure that we know or remember things accurately, then there is no real truth.

Now this idea isn't new. I mean it is "new" in the last hundred years, but not new in today's culture. We hear terms like "your truth" or "my truth" suggesting that each person decides what is true, but that contradicts the very definition of truth. Instead, that redefines the word. The 1828 Webster's Dictionary uses words like "fact" "reality" and "correctness" to define the word truth. It goes on to quote Scripture verses about God's Word being truth. The latest Merriam-Webster Dictionary includes terms like "an idea accepted as true" or "sincerity" which is vastly different than fact. We can be sincere in our beliefs, or accept an idea and true, and still be wrong. Sincerely wrong. Believing something doesn't make it true.

Perhaps part of the problem is our own insecurity. Can you imagine thinking that everyone else somehow has the answers, and you don't? Have you ever felt like you walked into a room where everyone else knows the agenda, and you somehow missed the memo? I know I have! We like the sound of having "our truth" and "your truth" to some degree because we can feel better about ourselves. No one can question what we believe if truth is individual. We never have to feel stupid or uneducated.

Pride plays a role here too. We feel comfortable in letting people live their lives the way they want (even if we aren't comfortable with it). Who are we to judge? If each person sets their own truth, then we are always right, even if we all disagree, and who doesn't love to be right? We also never have to take someone else's opinion of our life choices to heart. No guilt or worry, because we can both be right.

All of this also plays in to our need to feel loved and accepted. We don't want to be seen as a prude or a bigot. We want others to like us, and don't want to confront their beliefs. We can easily start to believe truth is relative, because it is hard to stand against the rushing tide. To be the lone voice holding fast in a swift current is difficult at best. As a nation many years ago it was the minority of voices pushing the boundaries. As those voices grew louder, we turned away, not dealing with the hardship. We slow give in to the changing tide, instead of dissenting. That is not to say that no one held firmly to truth and stood up to society's changes, but the majority started to buy into it. Somehow during this rise of postmodern thought, we agreed to accept that truth is relative, which lets us off the hook of answering the tough questions about right and wrong, truth and falsity.

None of us can trust our feelings, thoughts or memories, which is exactly why we need that compass of truth to keep our ships heading due north, or we will stray off course. I won't get political here, but I think we can see the country has shifted sharply in the last 100 years. Things once thought to be vulgar or taboo, are streaming constantly on TVs and social media feeds. The meanings of words have changed and morphed. Truth is harder to discern. We are a nation sharply divided. One whose compass has broken, and we have indeed drifted far off course. Although we are okay with the idea of no "absolute truth", I think that the constant stream of heated, divisive conversations on social media prove otherwise. We really like the idea of not being wrong, and we really want what we believe to be the real truth. I think this is the root of all the hate speech I read when two sides of any issue try to talk. They think yelling their beliefs louder will result in it being true. We are fine when "your truth" doesn't impact our lives, at which point we want "our truth" to be the rule.

One thing I do agree with from the movie is that our feelings and thoughts can't be trusted. The truth is that our hearts do deceive us (Jeremiah 17:9). How do I know that this is true? God's Word says so.  My believing God's Word doesn't make it true. His Word is not true because I believe it is, it is true because God IS truth. The definition of truth comes from God. He is the Way, the Truth, and the Life (John 14:6). His Word is given to us as our compass. It leads us to true magnetic north and keeps us on course.

Likewise, if you don't believe God's Word is true, it doesn't negate the fact that it is indeed true. The question really becomes "if you believed something that wasn't true, would you want to know?" Seriously, are you happy to remain on your current course, with a compass that doesn't actually point north, but merely confirms north is the direction "your truth" tells you it is? Many times the truth is hard to hear, even harder to believe, especially when it challenges our choices and worldview, but choosing to just ignore it is a recipe for disaster. My prayer for all of us is to be teachable, truly wanting to know any area of our lives where we believe wrongly about something. Check your compass today, and make absolutely sure that it is pointing you true north, to the One who is The Truth.

Until Next Time~
Shari