Bruised

When people ask how they can pray for me, I frequently tell them to pray that I might suffer well. While I would love for God to heal me, to end my pain and suffering, and to make me well, it is not the thing I ask for most often.  No one but God knows how long this season of suffering will last, but I do know that I am called to endure, to continue to praise God, and to bring glory to His name. I want to be a faithful witness. In my weakness and my darkest moments, I cry out to God for strength, grace, and healing, but always end my prayer saying "not my will, but Yours be done."

I was given a book to read recently, "Holding on to Hope: A Pathway through Suffering to the Heart of God" by Nancy Guthrie. If you have gone through a period of suffering, grief, or loss, get this book! She brought up a great point in the book, and it has really stuck with me. She mentioned that we seem to tack on the little phrase "Your will be done" at the end of our prayers, but really should start our prayers in this manner. Imagine if we could really give all our wants and desires over to the Lord and pray "Your will be done", fully trusting He will work all things for our good. Honestly, just go read the book, as I am not doing it any justice here! It is hands-down the best book on suffering I have read, and I have read a LOT of them.

Before I sign off, I figured it is time for some updates. First, I began my weekly IVIg infusions on Friday, October 26th, and will have my 3rd one this Friday. Side effects thus far are fatigue and a mild headache, although last Sunday I had a full blown migraine. Additionally, my veins aren't cooperating, so the doctors are currently deciding if I should have a port put in to enable easy access for the IV. It took 3 attempts last week to get the IV started, and my arms are very bruised, but I know that God does not break a bruised reed.

Hopefully, my body will adjust, and treatment can continue. I am really suffering, and this is the last line of treatment. With my legs, the main symptoms were numbness, weakness, cramping, loss of reflexes and balance issues, but overall not painful. Now that we realize my upper body issues are related to the CIDP also, it has helped me to understand some of my symptoms. While I do have numbness, weakness, and muscle cramping in my arms, I also have constant burning nerve pain in my neck and hands. The most painful aspect has been the random electric shocks that shoot down my arms unexpectedly. I remain cautiously optimistic that this treatment will provide some relief, choosing each day to not linger in the self pity and depression that constantly stalk me. Pray for me to continue to cling to my Savior, and to suffer faithfully. I know He will give me the grace needed to live each day for His glory.

The last thing to tell you about is a letter I recently wrote to the doctor (whom shall be known as "Dr. D") who performed my original surgery. I wrote three pages explaining everything that has transpired since 2009 when he removed the "tumor." I wasn't sure "Dr. D" would even read the letter, remember me, or respond. He was only my doctor for about a year, before we moved on to second and third opinions. Since he is at a teaching hospital, the letter was meant to inform and be used as a learning experience. I was pleasantly surprised to receive a two page hand-written response from "Dr. D" a couple weeks later. His response was sincere and humble. He admitted he should have done better at  following up with me. It was a cathartic thing to do, and helps me to close that chapter and move on. And so, I am moving on...

Until Next Time~
Shari