When Tears Fall

Some days I forget that I am human. I feel like a superhero, able to leap tall buildings…oh, no, wait…able to endure any amount of pain, able to deal with all the appointments, and the never ending string of doctor’s appointments without needing anyone. On the one hand, this drives my husband crazy because he would like me to rest and let him take care of me. On the other hand, he is thankful that I don’t need him to miss work to go with me to every appointment (of course, if I did, he’d be unemployed—there are a LOT of appointments). On days like today, I am glad he was there with me.

This has been a LONG week! I have been up very early everyday and driven into Chicago for four days of testing. The first 3-day long test wasn’t painful, but it did involve more than two hours of driving per day and lying on a hard, uncomfortable table for over an hour each day. When you deal with chronic back pain, this “simple” test can become painful. Today I started the day out with a lip biopsy (trust me, so far it isn’t fun), and then an afternoon round of nerve testing. Again, the nerve testing isn’t really painful, but it is uncomfortable, especially when your lip hurts and you are sleep deprived (did I mention I have been up before the sun every day this week?).

On days like today, I feel human. I feel the weight of my pain. As I sit there being hooked up to electrodes, I hurt, I am tired, and frustrated. I feel alone and overwhelmed, and in that brief moment, the tears fall. I fight them back, after all superheroes don’t cry. I don’t like “pity parties” and I don’t often cry. There are just days like today when you need to let the tears fall. When you feel like you can’t do this anymore, when it all seems too much. And then, in that next breath I am reminded that I am never alone. God has been right there beside me, giving me that daily dose of “superhero” strength; the strength I need to go on. I look forward to the day when “God will wipe away every tear from [my] eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain…” (Revelation 21:4). So for today, I will let the tears fall.