Why Zebras?

(Be sure to read to the end to get the latest on my next trip to Mayo, and prayer requests)

Zebras have become a symbol for rare, unknown, and difficult to diagnose diseases. Why zebras, you may ask? That is a good question! I first heard this line many years ago on an episode of House, M.D.:

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses not zebras.

The idea being that generally, in medicine, if you go to the doctor with a list of symptoms, the doctor should consider the most common reasons for the symptoms first, before moving on to more obscure options. Wikipedia explains the origins of the saying here.

February 28th is Rare Diseases Day. The National Organization for Rare Diseases (NORD) wants to raise awareness of the reality that 1 in 10 people suffer from a rare disease. There are currently over 7,000 known rare diseases, and many that have yet to be named/discovered.

If you aren't familiar with my journey, I suggest starting here. This was our first trip to Mayo, and when we finally got a definitive diagnosis.

I have CIDP (Chronic Inflammatory Demyelinating Polyradiculopathy). There are estimated to be about 5-7 cases of CIDP diagnosed per 100,000 patients. It has been a long, difficult, and painful journey. It is important to raise awareness, because rare diseases don't get the funding for studies or drug trials like well known illnesses do, which means there is less chance for a cure.

On March 13th, I will be loading up the car and heading back to Mayo Clinic.

I started doing weekly IVIg infusions on October 26th, 2018, and have 2 more infusions before I return to Mayo for repeat testing. Please pray for clear results. So far, I have not really noticed any difference, although I have had a lot of headaches, high blood pressure, and flu like symptoms from side effects. I don't want to continue the treatment if the testing can't conclusively verify it is working.

I will keep everyone posted of my travels and my results. In the meantime, I will be wearing my zebras stripes today to #showyourrare

Until Next Time~
Shari

Is There Something In My Teeth?

Have you ever come home after a day out, and realized you had food in your teeth (or maybe it was toilet paper stuck to your shoe, a spot on your shirt, or something in your nose)?

You immediately start to wonder:

How long it has been there? 

Who saw it? 

Why didn't anyone tell me!?!?! 

You may feel embarrassed or ashamed. It might make you more vigilant on your next outing, so you double check to be sure it doesn't happen again.

This has happened to me. More than once actually. We confidently walk around a party, meet new people, and enjoy the company of old friends, all the while unaware of the leftover meal protruding from our smile. It is blatantly obvious to everyone else around us, yet we remain blissfully ignorant. People might turn away from us, or stop talking to us because they are uncomfortable, offended or grossed out. Some may talk about us to the other party goers. A few may bravely whisper in our ear, and help us avoid further embarrassment.

Once we become aware of the food in our teeth, we would likely hurry to the nearest bathroom, and look into a mirror to examine our teeth.

I was thinking about how this situation is similar to us recognizing our own sin. Or perhaps, our failure to recognize our own sin. We all have sins that we seem unable (unwilling) to see, and yet are on display for all the world to notice. We fail to recognize these sins perhaps because we have hardened our hearts to them, or have excused them as personality traits, or simply bad habits.

Hopefully, we all have friends that would quietly confront the issue with love, rather than walk away and leave us in our current condition. One that would love us enough to overcome their fear of confrontation, talk to us privately, and point us back to Christ in repentance. Matthew 18:15 tells us to do just that.

God's moral laws, the Ten Commandments, act like a mirror for each of us. We look into that mirror, seeing the perfection and holiness of Christ reflected back to us. The mirror shows us our sinfulness; just as the bathroom mirror exposes the specks of food in our teeth.

James 1:23-25 warns us not to just glance into the mirror, then turn, walk away, and promptly forget what we look like. In the same way we would not leave the food in our teeth, and just walk back out of the restroom, and continue to mingle. We need to deal with the problem.

Unlike getting parsley out of our incisors, we cannot simply get all the sin out of our lives. The mirror simply reveals the truth that we all fall far short of God's holy standards. We cannot just "fix" ourselves. However, our good deeds don't earn favor or status in God's kingdom, the way perhaps, a clean smile earns friends at a party.

This quote I just read in the book, The Imperfect Disciple by Jared Wilson, seems to explain this concept fairly well:

"You are more sinful than you realize, but you are also more loved than you know." 

We are hopelessly sinful. The bad news is that we can never be good enough to get to heaven, or earn God's love. The good news is that God so loved the world that He sent his son to die for our sins. God offers us that free gift of grace, through faith in Christ, to all who believe and repent of their sins.

Jesus took our place. He paid the penalty (took our punishment). When we trust in Him alone for our salvation, God sees Christ's perfect reflection when He looks at us, instead of our sinfulness. This is why it is called the "good news". That is what is so amazing about grace, that it is none of us, and all Jesus Christ. (John 3:16; Galatians 3:13-15, 24-26; Romans 5:8, 3:23-25)

Hopefully you have checked the mirror, and don't have anything in your teeth! More importantly, I pray we all look into God's Word, compare ourselves to that standard, and find that we are all lacking. I pray that drives you to Christ, seeking His forgiveness, and placing your trust in him alone.

Until Next Time~
Shari

P.S. The Imperfect Disciple: Grace for People Who Can't Get Their Act Together by Jared C. Wilson, is a wonderful book full of grace for those of us who struggle to see past our sins, and a beautiful reminder of Christ's finished work.

What is Truth?

My post yesterday mentioned believing what is true, and holding firmly to that in the storm. So with that in mind, combined with a movie I watched last week (the name of which I cannot remember....which actually goes along with the basis of the movie. I am notoriously bad at remembering names of actors, movie titles, and even plots), I decided to dig into the topic of "truth" today.

The movie I am referring to had a murder mystery plot, but the purpose of the film was to point out that our memories, as well as the things we see or hear (or think we saw or heard) can never be proven or trusted. Our memories, feelings and thoughts betray us. The main character actually started to believe he had committed the murder, and was having flashbacks of doing it. Turns out the death was just an accident and the movie ends without more explanation. The movie concluded that because we can never be sure that we know or remember things accurately, then there is no real truth.

Now this idea isn't new. I mean it is "new" in the last hundred years, but not new in today's culture. We hear terms like "your truth" or "my truth" suggesting that each person decides what is true, but that contradicts the very definition of truth. Instead, that redefines the word. The 1828 Webster's Dictionary uses words like "fact" "reality" and "correctness" to define the word truth. It goes on to quote Scripture verses about God's Word being truth. The latest Merriam-Webster Dictionary includes terms like "an idea accepted as true" or "sincerity" which is vastly different than fact. We can be sincere in our beliefs, or accept an idea and true, and still be wrong. Sincerely wrong. Believing something doesn't make it true.

Perhaps part of the problem is our own insecurity. Can you imagine thinking that everyone else somehow has the answers, and you don't? Have you ever felt like you walked into a room where everyone else knows the agenda, and you somehow missed the memo? I know I have! We like the sound of having "our truth" and "your truth" to some degree because we can feel better about ourselves. No one can question what we believe if truth is individual. We never have to feel stupid or uneducated.

Pride plays a role here too. We feel comfortable in letting people live their lives the way they want (even if we aren't comfortable with it). Who are we to judge? If each person sets their own truth, then we are always right, even if we all disagree, and who doesn't love to be right? We also never have to take someone else's opinion of our life choices to heart. No guilt or worry, because we can both be right.

All of this also plays in to our need to feel loved and accepted. We don't want to be seen as a prude or a bigot. We want others to like us, and don't want to confront their beliefs. We can easily start to believe truth is relative, because it is hard to stand against the rushing tide. To be the lone voice holding fast in a swift current is difficult at best. As a nation many years ago it was the minority of voices pushing the boundaries. As those voices grew louder, we turned away, not dealing with the hardship. We slow give in to the changing tide, instead of dissenting. That is not to say that no one held firmly to truth and stood up to society's changes, but the majority started to buy into it. Somehow during this rise of postmodern thought, we agreed to accept that truth is relative, which lets us off the hook of answering the tough questions about right and wrong, truth and falsity.

None of us can trust our feelings, thoughts or memories, which is exactly why we need that compass of truth to keep our ships heading due north, or we will stray off course. I won't get political here, but I think we can see the country has shifted sharply in the last 100 years. Things once thought to be vulgar or taboo, are streaming constantly on TVs and social media feeds. The meanings of words have changed and morphed. Truth is harder to discern. We are a nation sharply divided. One whose compass has broken, and we have indeed drifted far off course. Although we are okay with the idea of no "absolute truth", I think that the constant stream of heated, divisive conversations on social media prove otherwise. We really like the idea of not being wrong, and we really want what we believe to be the real truth. I think this is the root of all the hate speech I read when two sides of any issue try to talk. They think yelling their beliefs louder will result in it being true. We are fine when "your truth" doesn't impact our lives, at which point we want "our truth" to be the rule.

One thing I do agree with from the movie is that our feelings and thoughts can't be trusted. The truth is that our hearts do deceive us (Jeremiah 17:9). How do I know that this is true? God's Word says so.  My believing God's Word doesn't make it true. His Word is not true because I believe it is, it is true because God IS truth. The definition of truth comes from God. He is the Way, the Truth, and the Life (John 14:6). His Word is given to us as our compass. It leads us to true magnetic north and keeps us on course.

Likewise, if you don't believe God's Word is true, it doesn't negate the fact that it is indeed true. The question really becomes "if you believed something that wasn't true, would you want to know?" Seriously, are you happy to remain on your current course, with a compass that doesn't actually point north, but merely confirms north is the direction "your truth" tells you it is? Many times the truth is hard to hear, even harder to believe, especially when it challenges our choices and worldview, but choosing to just ignore it is a recipe for disaster. My prayer for all of us is to be teachable, truly wanting to know any area of our lives where we believe wrongly about something. Check your compass today, and make absolutely sure that it is pointing you true north, to the One who is The Truth.

Until Next Time~
Shari

Dark Circles

Have you ever had that feeling like you are about to pass out? Dark circles envelop your vision, blackness closing in. This seems like a decent analogy of my life currently. Darkness seems overwhelming at times, closing in from every side. I feel like I might "pass out" as I lose the light in my vision. The last several years have been difficult (that might be putting it mildly), but this past year has definitely hit an all time low. My health has continued to decline and the accompanying chronic pain has been overwhelming. Medical treatments and side effects are exhausting. I have spent a LOT of time sitting with a heating pad or ice pack, and zoning out in front of a screen. I haven't done much art, or cleaning, or even leaving the house. I have missed a lot of Sunday morning worship services. Due to my accessibility needs, we switched churches in December of 2017, which combined with my recent spotty attendance record, has made it difficult for me to feel connected. I have lost friends, been unable to do things I love, and gained weight. Any one of these things would be enough to deal with, but all together, I feel alone and surround with darkness.

Disability and suffering are often isolating. When I do go out, I put on a smile, and try not to turn every conversation into a gripe fest of how bad I feel. So instead, I try to love others and ask about their lives. Listening is one of the first things I have learned this past year. As I have spent more and more time alone, stuck in the house, and wishing for someone to talk to, I have learned how valuable a listening ear is! In today's electronic world, it is a rarity to find someone that stops, makes eye contact, and actually pays attention. I am SO very thankful for those friends I have that are willing to do this, and hope I can do the same for others.

I have also learned some things (of the not so pleasant variety) about myself. I have put too much worth on friendships, letting hurt creep in when those relationships fell apart. I am reminded of my own words about managing my expectations of others. In truth, I should be seeking Christ. Wanting a deeper fellowship with Him. Going to Him in prayer, and with my concerns, worries, and pain. Not that friends aren't deeply valued! A good friend is a rare jewel. They can rebuke and encourage us. They help carry our burdens. But we must also remember they are sinful humans, just like us. Christ alone is the "friend that sticks closer than a brother" (Proverbs 18:24), and to Him alone should we look to truly fulfill that need for acceptance and love.

Besides feeling super crummy, gaining back a lot of the weight I lost back in 2013-2014 has added to my frustration and encroaching depression. This issue has also got me thinking about my beliefs on weight, self image, and food. Yes, I do feel worse when my clothes don't fit. My blood pressure is high again, so there is a real health concern, but if we get down to the brass tacks, I want to be thin to "look good." Our culture pushes this agenda, and I have bought in hook, line, and sinker!

I have been going through the book Idols of the Heart by Elyse Fitzpatrick again, and there are plenty of idols coming out of my little "idol making factory" as John Calvin describes our hearts. One more lesson to be learned in all of this darkness.

We want what we want. What we shouldn't have for reasons perhaps unknown to us. We desire that which we think will make us happy: friends, thin bodies, perfect health, no pain, etc. The list goes on and on seemingly forever. It is very difficult, if not impossible, to bear up under the weight of all these things. The dark circle surround us, and just like my analogy about the feeling of passing out, just about the time we think our entire vision is going to go black, and we will most definitely pass out, a tiny light in the center of our vision starts to shines through. Slowly, the center light grows, and chases back the black circle that had threatened to overtake us.

In those moments, I am reminded of 1 Corinthians 4:8-9

"We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; 

perplexed, but not driven to despair; 

persecuted, but not forsaken; 

struck down, but not destroyed"

This is where my hope is found, in Christ, the Light of the World. Just when I think I can't take any more, as I lie alone begging for mercy, wondering if the pain will ever end, asking Him if He is listening, if He even cares, that small dot of light emerges in the distance. As I begin to focus on it, it grows larger and brighter. That is not because God finally showed up, or decided to intervene, but simply because I wasn't focused on the light. I began to focus on the overwhelming blackness. I started to believe He doesn't care, or isn't listening. I begin to believe it will never end. I start to focus on my symptoms and circumstances, and lose sight of my Savior, and His truth. But then, I hear God's still small voice prompting me to remember what is true. God tells us many places in His Word that He will not leave us or forsake us. That is the truth. God never left me, his Light was there all along, I just chose to focus on the darkness. I missed His tender mercy in a card from a faithful friend, because I was thinking instead of the friends I lost. I failed to see the simple joy God brought to my days by way of a little 12-lb dog, and looked only to my feelings of loneliness.

I am not trying to minimize the struggle. I am suffering. I am miserable. This is all very hard. I know you hurt too. I am simply trying to remind you (and myself) to stop focusing on the black circles closing in around us, and focus on the light instead. Keep your eyes fixed upon Christ! (Hebrews 12:2). Be grateful for the faithful friend, or that tiny rescue dog! That is how we give thanks to God in all circumstances, like Paul tells us in 1 Thessalonians 5:18. We start to change our focus to God's blessings, and stop making the pain and disappointment the center of our world. We aren't thankful for the pain and suffering, but we can be thankful to God, even on the worst of days, for His loving care. 

I am thankful that God has been gently revealing the sin in my heart, and for His forgiveness. I am thankful that I am learning to trust Him more, even on those days when I cry out like the child's father did in Mark 9, "Lord I believe, help my unbelief!" Remember to give thanks for His Son, the Savior of our souls, who also knew the pain of suffering and isolation. The One who suffered all of that in our place. 

We used to joke that the light at the end of the tunnel was a train, and some days it still feels like that! I pray we can all look down that tunnel of blackness, and see a small light in the distance, and then draw near to that Light! Keep searching and clinging to the One who preserves our souls, and I know the darkness will fade, even if the suffering continues. That is the truth for all who are in Christ Jesus! Will you choose to cling to the Light, or continue in the darkness?

Until Next Time~

Shari

Friends

I woke up this morning with some old song lyrics playing in my head. Not sure if many of you were Whodini fans back in the day, but these were the words I heard this morning on auto repeat upon waking:

"Friends

How many of us have them?

Friends

Ones we can depend on 

Friends

How many of have them

Friends

Before we go any further, let's be

Friends"

Now, you may very well think this is a weird thing to be thinking as soon as my eyes open before 6 am, but for me, my brain is either fully asleep or going 100 mph, so this is normal for me! Friendship has been on my mind a lot lately. I have been thinking back over my life and about the people who have come and gone. I have been trying to define what friendship is, and what reasonable expectations I should have.

I was born in 1970, and grew up in a different era. An era where "screen time" wasn't a term. If we watched TV at all, it was one of a half dozen channels, tuned in with a rabbit ear antenna. It was also live TV. If you weren't home in front of the television on a Friday night, you didn't get to see who shot J.R. We also didn't wear bike helmets (the first car I can remember that we had, didn't even have seat belts in the back seat). During the summer, I would be up and outside early in the morning, shortly after my single mom left for work, and would return only to grab food or for a bathroom break, and not be back until dinner. We didn't have cell phones, and while I can't say with certainty, I don't think my mom worried about where I was. Being out with friends all over the neighborhood was normal. We would ride our bikes a couple miles to the convenient store and buy candy and pop. I was truly a latch-key kid. I walked to kindergarten alone, with a key strung on a piece of yarn around my neck. I left for school when the Bozo show was over, and returned back home almost 2 hours before my mom got back from work. Lots of things were different back then.

It was also an age when abuse or bullying were not readily recognized or dealt with. I have written about my back story a few times, and if you are interested in the details, just go back to the first few blog posts I ever wrote. For the sake of today's discussion about friends, I will just summarize by saying that I came from a broken home, where abuse occurred. The impact of this on me at a very young age, by the people closest to me, was that I withdrew. As a young grade school age kid, I struggled to make sense of the world. I was small in stature, and painfully shy. The kind of shy where you sit in a corner, don't speak, and are on the verge of crying or vomiting when the teacher calls your name. I had trouble making friends, which would be a theme throughout my childhood. I did best one-on-one, and had a close friend or two at a time.  I was not athletic, and some would probably say clumsy. School came easy for me, without studying, and I was always the first one done with every test. This became a game I played to see how fast I could complete the test, but to some degree a necessity. I was bullied, and those same kids would want to copy the answers off my worksheets and tests. What I learned at home from the abuse was that saying no was not acceptable. You did what was asked of you, and were not given a choice. I did not want to let people copy my work, but was too timid to say no. My solution, was to be super fast, and run the paper up to the teacher's desk as soon as I could, and sheepishly apologize for not being able to "help."

I can't deny that all of these experiences shaped who I am. While I believe that we are born with natural talents and personality traits, our experiences and upbringing impact those things drastically some times. I had trouble trusting people. My experience was that people let you down, hurt you, and abandon you. I found people difficult to understand. I liked things to fit in a neat little (controllable) box, and people were none of those things. They were complicated and impossible to figure out. I felt like everyone else got a manual on navigating social circles, and I never got to read it. People were exhausting. I learned that I could only trust myself, and no one else. So I started building walls to keep others out.

As the years past, I realized that even the few people you let into your inner circle will turn on you to help themselves, share your darkest secrets to increase their social standing or drop you like a hot potato when it is to their advantage. As I began junior high, I became acutely aware of the fact that I was from a poor, black neighborhood. This was a fact that I had not understood up until this point. It was normal to me, and I never dreamed that my white "friends" would shun me for being different. I didn't fit in to the rich, white, preppy club, and those two years were such a struggle, that it would change the course of my life.

I spent a lot of time alone, and when I did talk to anyone, it was the neighbors that I knew. The wall I had built around myself became higher and thicker. I was determined to never let anyone hurt me again. I got angry, and instead of sheepishly saying yes, when I wanted to say no, I became ready to fight with anyone, at a moments notice. As newer families moved into our apartment complex, I met more and more of them, and quickly found that becoming part of their group provided me with fast friends. The trouble was that the apartments had become an area for the gang named "black gangster disciples". I wanted to belong very badly to a group, especially one that hated the clique that had shunned me. The gang was more than willing to include me. I then got involved in drugs and stealing, and fighting.....lots of fighting. All of this was to make and keep "friends."  By this time, I used people to achieve what I needed. I was fairly intelligent, and would use that to my advantage to get people to do what I wanted. My issues with saying no continued though, and lead to to do things I didn't want to do still. I was a broken mess, who still found social events to be exhausting. People were a jigsaw puzzle with so many missing pieces that I could never solve it.

Chad can testify to my short fuse back when we met (1989). Throughout the early 90's, I was a ticking time bomb on the verge of killing someone for looking at me funny. I was willing to fight with anyone, anywhere, at any time. In my early 20's, I had Chad, and my two kids, and no real friends to speak of. I was out to prove I didn't need anyone, even Chad knew he was expendable. (love you honey!)

This is where I was when God entered the picture in 1998. Now, just over 20 years since I became a Christian, and am happy to report that He is still working feverishly in my heart to correct all these wrong and sinful attitudes. It began by Him graciously showing me my sinfulness. when it came to wrong thoughts about people. God showed me that I am not independent, and not in control of my life. Slowly, very slooowwwllllyyyyyy, God has torn down the wall I spent years building (the dust is still settling). He has really convicted me that others are "created in His image" (Genesis 1:27), and when I would start going back to old thought patterns (thinking people are exhausting, not worth the effort, to be kept at arm's length, or just obstacles to be stepped over and manipulated to get what I want) the Holy Spirit is quick to let the rooster crow and show me my sin. This has been a long road, and this journey still continues. It is hard to change so many years of history that has shaped the essence of who I have become, actually it is impossible apart from Christ. It has been painful at times, as sanctification is never a pleasant experience. I will be the first to admit that making friends still isn't easy for me. People can be needy and unkind. Most times I still find socializing exhausting. I spend a lot of time in prayer trying to set reasonable expectations of others, wanting to be vulnerable and open with others, and figuring out how to meet the needs of others while setting healthy boundaries.

When God first started this process, I began to realize that my definition of "friendship" was all wrong, all worldly. Friends were the people in my life I expected to meet every demand, always have my back, and love me unconditionally, all while I invested very little of my own energy doing the same. Like a self-fulfilling prophecy, I set myself up to prove my hypothesis that people were untrustworthy, and would stab you in the back the first chance they got. As I studied God's word, He lead me to passages like these:

"A friend loves at all times." (Proverbs 17:17)

A sweet friendship refreshes the soul." (Proverbs 27:9)

"Love one another." (Romans 12:10)

"Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others." (Philippians 2:4)

"He who withholds kindness from a friend forsakes the fear of the Almighty." (Job 6:14)

"Bear one another's burdens." (Galatians 6:2)

"Encourage one another and build one another up." (1 Thessalonians 5:11)

"Serve one another." (1 Peter 4:10)

"Do to others as you would have then do to you." (Luke 6:31)

"...that we may be mutually encouraged by each other's faith." (Romans 1:12)

"Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.' (Proverbs 27:17)

"And this commandment we have from him: whoever loves God must also love his brother." (1 John 4:21)

"Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends." (John 15:13)

"Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity." (Colossians 3:12-14)

Scripture turns my definition on its head! Friends are not put into our lives to do our bidding, or meet our needs. Friends are are a blessing from God. People who choose to love us, because God loves us. God commands us to love and serve others. Yes, friendships take work, and it requires that we die to our own selfish desires. It is an intentional choice to love someone, not because we want something in return, but in response to what Christ has already done.

Friends are a gift that are placed in our lives to help encourage our faith, to correct and rebuke us, and to carry our burdens, as we carry theirs. A friend is not just a person who agrees with you, or is easy to talk to. Each brother and sister in Christ, each of our neighbors, every person who tries talking to us n line at the grocery store, are all opportunities to show Christ's love to others. We can create true friendships, built upon a firm foundation with God and His Word as it's base. We are only able to love and forgive others, because we have been loved and forgiven by God. We recognize God's image in the face of others, even those who are different than we are. Yes, even those who are "weird" or difficult or hard to love.

God is graciously continuing His work in me. I have a long way to go in this area. I still tend to be exhausted (mentally and physically) after social events. My self-righteousness still rears its ugly head when I walk away from interactions wondering why someone didn't ask about me. The Lord is quickly making the theme of 2019 "it isn't about me." Another painful, but necessary sanctifying lesson to be learned. I pray that God would show each of you your sinfulness, and your desperate need of a Savior. I pray He opens your eyes to the people around you, that maybe you tend to overlook. Those who were all created in His image, and could use a true friend. The kind that sticks closer than a brother (Proverbs 18:24), not because you want something from them, but because you love God so much that His love bubbles up and pours over onto others. May He gently remind us all that this life is not about us, but it is about Him.

Until Next Time~
Shari

Half Time

I contemplated calling this post "Half Way" but with football season upon us, and me sitting here in my New England Patriots sweatshirt today, I figured "Half Time" would be more appropriate. Today's infusion is my half way point. 10 Fridays have passed, and I have 10 more Fridays to go before I repeat the testing at Mayo, and follow up with the neurologist one more time (hopefully the last time).

It has been a difficult 10 weeks. I have been having headaches almost daily, and frequent migraines. We have the infusion rate as low as possible, which makes for long days on Friday. The doctor has added steroids, Benedryl, and Tylenol at the beginning of each infusion to help stop the reactions. So far it has been 10 weeks of side effects with no noticeable benefit. Mayo doctors did tell me that it can take 4-6 months to see any benefit....if there will be any benefit to see.

Right now, I feel like a football team in the locker room at half time, down by 30 points. I am discouraged, but determined. I know there is a long second half ahead, but I am not giving up. There is still a chance, and I have to keep fighting until the last buzzer (ok, honestly, I will admit that I am not sure there is a buzzer at the end of a football game. Am I mixing my sports metaphors again?!?). I may very well be the underdog, and the odds might not be in my favor right now, but there just might be a 4th quarter come back.

You have heard me say it many times, especially in recent months, but I am hanging in there and taking one day at a time. I am managing my expectations. I am keeping my eyes upon Christ, and trusting fully in the fact that God is working in the midst of all of this. He has and will continue to strengthen me, giving me the grace I need for today.

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas with family and friends. Praying for good health in 2019, but more importantly, I pray that each of you might come to truly know Christ as Lord and Savior.

Staring At The Glass

Some have called me a pessimist. I, however, prefer to think of myself as a realist. I will admit that if I am asked the age old question, "Is the glass half full or half empty?", my answer would always be the same. Looking at a 16 oz glass with 8 oz of liquid in it, I would say the glass is half empty. Others of you might say that the glass is half full. Realistically, whatever you call it, it is still 8 ounces of liquid in a 16 ounce cup.

Some days we might see that glass and wonder where the missing 8 ounces went. We might reflect back to a time we drank it down. Did we spill it? Waste it? Or was it a refreshing thirst quencher?

We might look at that half empty glass, and realize we started with only 8 ounces even though our travel mug has always held 16 ounces. We might begin to think it seems unfair. Why do others get a full glass, when we only get a measly 8 oz.?

There will also be days that we don't care about how much water we have at all, but are concerned more about the container. One person may have a crystal goblet, and another may have an old travel mug with a broken handle.

On days when we are feeling optimistic, we are aware of that cold 8 fluid ounces of water sitting in our cup, and we feel bad we have so much when others don't have any.

Today, on this Christmas Eve, I sit here looking at my cup, and I am simply grateful. The 8 ounces that I do have are a gift from God, the same way 16 ounces would be, or even an empty glass. It doesn't matter if my glass is big or little, glass or tin. The most important thing is to remember who gave us the gift.

Christmas is the best time to reflect upon God's perfect gift to us-- His son, Jesus Christ. Jesus says, "If anyone thirsts, let him come to me and drink" in John 7:37. I am praying we will all remember that Jesus truly is the reason for the season. I also pray that we are able to be thankful as we gather tonight and tomorrow, perhaps with family or friends, or even as we sit alone. Whether we have 16, 8 or 0 ounces in the glass in front of us, we can and should be thankful for whatever God has provided each of us, being careful not to compare it to what other people have. So this Christmas, lets give thanks to the Lord, for our cup truly does runneth over. Merry Christmas!

Until Next Time~
Shari