Fall in Chicagoland

This time of year is bittersweet. The foliage is absolutely beautiful! I enjoy warm sweaters and hot tea. It is also a time of realization that soon snow and ice will cover the ground and keep me from getting out of the house much. It is difficult enough to get around with one leg that doesn't fully work but adding slippery surfaces and uneven terrain make things much more difficult, if not impossible, for me to navigate alone.

It has been several months since I last blogged. A lot has been going on here. It has been almost three years since I was diagnosed with Chronic Inflammatory Sensory Polyradiculopathy, and things are progressing faster than I would prefer. I have numbness, tingling, nerve pain and severe leg cramping in both legs now. The neurological symptoms are causing some muscle weakness, whichs hinders my ability to climb stairs and sometimes makes walking difficult (along with more personal and depressing symptoms that I will spare you the details of).

I wish I had a great analogy to tell or story to have this all make perfect sense and encourage your faith, but at the moment I cannot think of one. I have grown a lot spiritually these last few months. I have made new, irreplacable friends, who have studied scripture with me, driven me to appointments, sent me cards and let me hang onto their arm when I needed help getting out in bad weather. God has shown me so much love and compassion through these dear friends, and has grown me in my capacity to love and care for others as well. This is not the road I would have chosen for myself, and I am struggling daily to keep my eyes lifted up toward heaven, and not on my circumstances in this world. The battle against depression is real, and I have to immerse myself in God's truth (which is trustworthy) and fight against the feelings of my situation (which are not trustworthy).

I don't know how I will feel tomorrow. I don't know what all the tests will show, or if the medicine will help me or make me sicker again. There is SO much that I don't know, but what I DO know is this: God will never leave me or forsake me. The path He has chosen is for His glory and for my good. I don't need to understand it, I just need to be faithful in it, and I can trust knowing that He who called me IS faithful.

So if I can encourage you at all in your time of sorrow, pain, depression, grief, let it be in this: YOU ARE NOT ALONE! There are people who have walked this path, some who understand your pain, and those who care for and love you, but greater still is a merciful and loving God who has made Himself available to all who would believe and call upon the name of the Lord. Confess your sins, admit your utter need for His forgiveness, His Spirit, His righteousness, and cling to the Anchor for your soul. He can get us through this and He will wipe away every tear from our eyes! I rejoice knowing that He shall preserve my soul!

Psalm 121:

"I will lift up my eyes to the hills—
From whence comes my help?
My help comes from the Lord,
Who made heaven and earth.

He will not allow your foot to be moved;
He who keeps you will not slumber.
Behold, He who keeps Israel
Shall neither slumber nor sleep.

The Lord is your keeper;
The Lord is your shade at your right hand.
The sun shall not strike you by day,
Nor the moon by night.

The Lord shall preserve you from all evil;
He shall preserve your soul.

The Lord shall preserve your going out and your coming in
From this time forth, and even forevermore."

#letscarryshari

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the Sunday, May 10th Chicago Tough Mudder! After an entire year of trying to build stamina, we arrived early in the morning to 45 degrees, fog, rain and LOTS of mud! I quickly realized none of my "training" prepared me for this.

This was the third time our family was on the Tough Mudder course on Mother's Day, and it was BY FAR the worst weather and muddiest course we had ever seen. Our team, #letscarryshari, completed the course in about 5 hours with all 11 team members (Chad, Kate, Ender, Greg, Tom, Tiffany, Jason, Kris, Tony, and Kyle). It was quite possibly the most difficult thing I have ever done, but it was also one of the best days of my life!

As I sit here on Tuesday morning, two days post-event, there is not a muscle in my body that doesn't hurt! Many of my team members would say the same thing. The other 10 members of my team varied in skill and ability level, but EVERY one of them gave 110% and not one of them quit on me! I literally could not take a step in the deep, wet, mud without hanging onto at least one arm, and most of the way I needed to hold onto two different people. Together, we soldiered on. I was so impressed with everyone's commitment to helping me get through and over and under each obstacle and across every step of that 10.6 mile course, without complaint, even when we were all of the verge of hypothermia. And a special thank you to my niece, Libby, and her friends Amanda and Marissa, who drove three hours to volunteer for a 6-hour shift at the finish line, just to be there when I finished! <3

I am deeply touched, truly humbled, inspired and forever grateful to each and every one of them.I learned so much about myself, about my 10 teammates, about 3 spectators that came to cheer us on in that miserable weather even though they had never met me, about complete strangers out on the course, and about God. I was really encouraged that complete strangers stopped to help me, and to cheer me on throughout the course. God showed me His strength in my weakness, through each person He put alongside me on Sunday. Praising God that we all finished without injury and thanking Him for His grace that got me through. To God alone be all the glory!

Bracing Myself

I haven't done much blogging lately. To be honest, I haven't given it much thought. I have been doing a lot of other things (some beneficial and some not). My most recent endeavors include trying to get as strong as possible and build endurance to do the Chicagoland Tough Mudder in May 2015. I am less than 90 days away from the event now, and thought I was doing pretty well getting ready for it, when my back started to hurt again; worse than before, and more then usual. I finally saw the doctor a few days ago, and she thinks I may have a compression fracture. I have had sharp pain in my mid-back since just after Christmas. Pain, that although I tried to ignore, made itself known in such a way it had to be dealt with, and soon!

I was given a back brace to wear to give me some additional support. This brace fits VERY snug and isn't so comfortable. It is a corset style brace, and when you lace it up, it holds everything in tightly. I am supposed to wear it when I am out and about and being active. After church, I couldn't wait to get to the comfort of my own home to undo the straps and velcro and relieve the pressure. AHHHHH! What relief to get out of that thing!

At 6 am this morning, I was laying in an MRI machine. I laid there thinking about how the machine spins the magnets around and makes it possible to see every detail inside my spine. The noisy *thunk* *thunk* *thunk* as the magnets move and create images, slice by slice, of our body. The MRI makes it possible for the doctor to see all the bones, and nerves and various other parts clearly, even though normally those items are hidden by skin.

All of this got me thinking about our lives. Have you ever tried to "hold it all together" while you are out and about, only to come home and let the real you come out? Once you are in the comfort of your own home, do you think as much about what you say and how you say it? Are you aware of your witness for God with your own family as much as while you are out in public? Are you concerned about what your family sees and thinks of you, or just the people at church? Sometimes, I think, it is easy to "cinch up" all our struggles and head out to church or the store and make it seem like everything is okay, only to walk through our front door and blow up at our children or spouse over a small issue.

Similarly, like the MRI lays bare our insides to all who view the images, we cannot keep hidden our sins from God. He knows our struggles and shortcomings. He knows where we fall short and need correction. Our corset cannot keep our sins in a neatly tied-up package, hidden away from viewing, from the one true and living God. No matter how hard we try to keep things hidden from others, we know that God is examining our hearts, slice by slice, and He knows all.

We feel the "pain" of sin, it makes itself known, just like my back injury did. It doesn't go away on its own, but needs to be acknowledged and treated. Ask God to show you the MRI of your heart today. Look to see all the areas where there is sin in your life. Submit yourself onto Him, humble yourself, and turn to Him in repentance. Forgiveness is found in Jesus Christ alone.

No need to hold back. Release that corset and say "AHHHHH!" as you enjoy the sweet fellowship with Him as He forgives your sins and heals you.

So, as I wait to hear the results of my MRI, and what those results will mean for my future Tough Mudder event, I will be praying that God will reveal to me the images of my own sinful heart, and I will be clinging to my only hope and salvation, Jesus Christ.

Climbing With The "Rock" of Ages

My latest endeavors have involved rock climbing with my husband, daughter and friends. It is a sport which is physically difficult, made even more so with only one working leg. On the rare occasion that I actually make it to the top of the wall, I feel accomplished, but getting there can be terrifying, especially for someone deathly afraid of heights! From the moment my feet leave the ground, I am gripping that wall for dear life. I know that I am securely attached to the belaying rope and trust my belayer (the person making sure I don't fall on the other end of the rope), but that knowledge and that fairly thin rope, do not bring me much comfort.

As I climb higher and higher, the fear grows, and I find myself unable to look down. As my arms grow more tired, the reality that each step increases the reality that my grip may give out and I may fall, sets in. Once I reach the top, or realize I can no longer hang on, the moment comes when I must let go of the wall. I must trust that the rope and the person on the other end have me. I mean REALLY trust that they have got a firm grip, and I won't plunge to my death.

This morning's devotional reading, after our night of climbing, was the perfect illustration for this post. From Donald Barnhouse's Commentary on Romans:

     "Let me illustrate in terms of a mountain-climbing expedition. We are roped to our companions and are climbing steadily. Suddenly God plants eternal life within us, and with that life comes sight. We glance at the Savior and see that He is holding us; then we look down and discover that we are dangling thirty feet in mid-air. We turn in terror to the One who is holding us, and regain confidence. When we look down again, we see that the distance below is a hundred feet. We look to the Savior, confident that we are safely held, and He guides us across the face of the rock, telling us where to plant our feet. Whenever we slip we have a new and frightening consciousness of the depth beneath us.......

     When the life of Christ first comes to us it brings the consciousness that there is nothing beneath us in our old life that can in any wise support us. Some Christians struggle, claw with their hands, thrash with their feet, and take a long time to come to rest in Him who is holding them. When you stop resting in Christ and step out on your own, you will find yourself in the place of struggle, and will undergo the wrenching nausea of the pit of Romans 7. But always it is possible to get back into the place of rest - quick as a look." 

No amount of striving, grasping, climbing or gripping will ever save me. I cannot live under the burden of the law. No matter how hard I try, I will never succeed at keeping God's law. My only hope is in Christ alone for my salvation. I must keep my eyes on Jesus where my soul will find peace and rest, and keep my eyes from looking down and living in fear when I see how far I have to fall. While I may never be comfortable at high elevation at a rock climbing gym, I am thankful that God has made me alive in Christ and even when I am a thousand feet in the air, I can let go of the rock face and relax completely, knowing that I am in secure hands.

Seek God with all your heart, soul and mind that you may know that Jesus is holding the other end of the rope, and He has you. With Christ alone as your climbing partner, you can rest in knowing He will never let you fall.

After The Rain

During my morning walk today, I saw an unusually large number of dried up worms along the path. We have had rain here for several days, and although gloomy today, it is dry. The longer I walked and the more dead worms I saw, the more I thought about them. (I know, I know, a little crazy maybe, but this is just how my mind works)

I love a good analogy. They make for an interesting and hopefully memorable post, and I find them helpful for making mundane, everyday, practical things teach us a spiritual lesson. So, I just knew that there HAD to be a lesson in the dead, dried worms on the sidewalk. Now, usually the analogies I come up with just sort of "pop" into my head. Sometimes in the middle of the grocery store or at 3 am, but occasionally, I actually have to think a little about them!

So what spiritual lesson could be learned from the crusty, old, worms?

Was it the fact that they had ventured away from their safe habitat and into the unknown? Maybe a lesson about turning your back on God and the wages of sin being death? Or making wrong decisions, leaving God's protection? None of these ideas were really giving me a well developed thought, so I walked some more.

The worms quite possibly could represent the Israelites wandering in the desert and dying there, failing to make it to the Promised Land.

Maybe the worms were like the 10 virgins (Matthew 25), five of whom had no oil for their lamps and weren't ready when the Bridegroom returned. Nope, I got nothing.

I am not sure there is a good spiritual lesson to be learned from dried out worms, but they did cause me to think (perhaps WAAAY too much) about venturing out of my comfort zone. Maybe I just needed to learn to get outside, and enjoy all God has given me. Possibly I needed a reminder to just go dance in the rain, enjoy this day, for tomorrow is promised to know one.

Hope you are enjoying today instead of worrying about tomorrow! Today, spend a little time praising God (even in the midst of the rain) and let me know if you can think of any better analogy for dead worms! :)

I'm Sure You've Heard

Thought it was a good time to catch up! It has been a quick summer filled with long walks, bike rides and day trips. I had surgery in July to fix some scar tissue from a previous surgery that had caused a neuroma to form and a lot of pain. I feel much better, and am glad I finally had it fixed. My leg brace is currently getting remade because I lost so much weight it was way too big, and I am eagerly awaiting it's return.

In May, on Mother's Day actually, I stood on the side lines again and took pictures at the Tough Mudder. This year was different as both my husband and daughter participated (last year just my husband ran the event while my daughter and I volunteered). When we left the event, I decided that no matter how long it takes me to finish, next year I will be completing the Tough Mudder course right alongside Chad and Katherine. To my amazement, several of our friends have decided to join my team and help me to finish. I am thankful for such a great support system! (as a side note and shameless plug- there is still room on my team #letscarryshari. If you are interested and live in the Chicago area let me know and you can come join us!)

All of this has me thinking about Philippians 4:13: "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." The reason this verse came to mind, is not what you might expect. This verse has become a common refrain among stars, athletes and everyday people doing activities out of the norm. It has been used to mean "no matter what I decide to do, Christ will enable me to do it." This usage is not at all correct however. This verse is not an indication of our ability to accomplish anything we set our minds too, but it is an expression of our sufficiency in Christ.

Paul was not giving us a prescription to be able to accomplish anything we desire. I physically cannot run any more than my husband can physically give birth to a child. Neither of those things can happen, even if we wanted them to, and believing that "I can do all things through Christ" doesn't change that fact. In Philippians chapter 4, Paul is writing to Christians as a prisoner for Christ, expressing that he has learned to be content in every circumstance. "...for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content: I know how to be abased, and I know how to abound. Everywhere and in all things I have learned both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." (Philippians 4:11-13).

I do intend to finish the Tough Mudder on Mother's Day in May 2015, both with my friend's help and my own stubbornness, and while being both "in Christ" and "with Christ." I have no false belief that this verse confirms that I can complete a Tough Mudder course. This verse will not be my team motto. Whether I finish or not, I can be content in Christ. I can rest in Him and be satisfied in my circumstances. I do not need to be mad or question why God let me fail, because this verse was not a promise that I can do anything I set my mind too, but assurance that He is the one in control. I can trust Him and be content in all situations knowing that every happening is filtered through His loving hands, and through Christ my salvation is secure. Whatever the outcome next May, I am thankful for a God who gives me peace and contentment through His Son.

The Carpenter's Wife

Most of you know that I happen to be married to a carpenter. Saying that he is a "carpenter" gives you just a slight idea of what he actually does each day since carpenters do a wide variety of work. Presently, Chad works doing concrete work. In the past, he had done a variety of carpentry tasks including: rough framing houses, remodeling, truss building, trim, decks, and the list goes on and on. The type of tools Chad needs to use depends on the type of work he is completing. Some times he needs a large, heavy hammer or perhaps even a sledge hammer, other times he uses small trim nails in a nail gun, and yet at other times he uses a saw. Each tool he uses creates a very different result, and serves a very different purpose. A skilled carpenter has the finesse to use each tool in the right way and the wisdom to know which tool he needs for the job. When the job is complete, he can stand back and look at the finished project and smile knowing it is a job well done.

We learn in the New Testament that Jesus was the son of a carpenter. Jesus would have learned this trade growing up in Joseph's home. As the ultimate Carpenter, Jesus applies His craft to change our hearts. Some days it can feel like we are being shaped by a sledge hammer, other times His still small voice gently guides us, softly smoothing off our rough edges with fine grain sandpaper. Every event, no matter how small, is lovingly brought into our life, by God, for His glory and our sanctification. The Bible calls us, who make up the church,  the bride of Christ. "....just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish." (Ephesians 5:25-27)

Each day I pray that this construction project, that is my life, might reveal a wonderful finished project. I am thankful to be able to trust my Savior knows best what circumstances I need brought in my life to whittle away my rough spots to help me increasingly become more and more like Him. I rest "being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ." (Philippians 1:6) Today I have peace knowing that I am THE Carpenter's wife.