Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Any Control Freaks, Like Me, Out There!

The last two days we have been discussing God’s sovereignty (ok, so there really hasn’t been ANY discussion…is there anybody out there?) Today, I would like to focus in on control; as in relinquishing control or better yet, as in finding out you never were in control at all.

For those of you who read my story (and for those of you who didn’t, you really want to and you can read Part 1 here and Part 2 here), know that I was abused as a child. The abuse I suffered shattered the trust and love that a child should know. In a subconscious effort to make sense of a world that didn’t make much sense, I became a control freak. I know now that this is common among people who suffered child abuse. I grew up obsessed with keeping everything I owned private, organized and clean. I hated when friends would come over and want to see my bedroom, or wanted to play with my toys. (Those who knew me then, recognize how far I have come; those who haven’t known me long still think I suffer with OCD.) I didn’t like for anyone to break my things, take them away or get them dirty.

The first step in giving up some of my perceived control was getting married. (I love you honey, but you did drive me crazy in the beginning.) Then, along came my two kids. It is very difficult to control your schedule, home, possessions, or anything else with little ones running around. For a long time my world felt out of control. (We joke about how I never had a library fine for a late book until I had kids.) Losing control was a frightening experience for me. I stressed and struggled and made my family insane trying to hold it all together.

I had come to believe that if I could control everything in my environment, I could be happy and safe. I was constantly striving and never achieving that security.

That is when the Lord stepped in. After becoming a Christian and learning more about the Lord, I started to gradually realize what we talked about yesterday. God is the One in control. No matter how much I tried, how much energy I expended or how much I worked at it, I could not make things turn out like I wanted them to. If we compare my life to a dam about to burst, I was the tiny little person at the bottom trying to plug every leak with my finger. Not only could I not stop the dam from leaking, or bursting but also I never really felt safe or happy. Mostly, I felt stressed and tired and untrusting of people.

 When your eyes are open to God’s sovereignty, you really discover what peace is all about. I quit driving myself mad; quit pushing myself so hard and just started to enjoy the moment. I enjoyed my kids more, my husband more, my friends, and home and life more. Life got less stressful when I got off the hamster wheel I was running on since I was a child. My progress has been gradual, but I have continually repented of my desire to control things and prayed to continue to trust in my Savior.

Some would say I relinquished control, but the truth is it was never mine to begin with. What freedom comes to those who trust God completely; who know, beyond a shadow of a doubt that He and He alone is in control.

Are you running yourself ragged in the hamster wheel? Are you constantly trying to stop the leaking dam? Are you stressed all the time? It’s time to stop and let God be God, He always was the One in control anyways.

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