Turning the Page

It has been a couple of weeks since I have written a post again. It has been a long, rough couple of months. I had my second treatment this past week. I have had more headaches and blood pressure issues again. After discussing all the side effects with my doctors, we have decided to stop treatment and wait and see. There is such uncertainty and yet, such peace, in this decision.

The doctors don't know the prognosis for this disease since it is so rare. The few patients they have tracked with Chronic Inflammatory Sensory Polyradiculopathy have varied outcomes: some having very little progression, others ending up unable to walk. In all noted cases, there is marked improvement of symptoms, sometimes as much as ten years after symptoms first appeared, when starting the IVIG or an anti-rejection medication (CellCept). Knowing that, I cannot tolerate 2-3 weeks of headaches, overwhelming fatigue, high blood pressure and several abnormal labs right now, after every infusion, knowing every 28 days the cycle starts over again. So, I am turning the page and moving on to the next chapter.

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble" (Matthew 6:34). I won't stress and worry about tomorrow, I will focus on the Lord today. By His grace I will get through today and it's troubles. For now I will work on trying to get my blood pressure back down to normal, getting rid of these bad headaches, and being content where I am today. I am thankful that His mercies are new every morning!

"Through the Lord's mercies we are not consumed,

Because His compassions fail not.

They are new every morning;

Great is Your faithfulness.

'The Lord is my portion,' says my soul,

'Therefore I hope in Him!'"

Lamentations 3:22-24

Are you living in today's worries, or stressed about the future? Look to Jesus Christ, cast all your worries onto Him, and rest in Him today, let tomorrow worry about itself.

The Wisdom in a Mother's Last Words

“I had one plan, God had another. We are going to go with God’s plan because He knows best.” These are some of the last words my mother ever said to me. July 2011 my mother was battling stage 4 breast cancer for the 4^th time in 14 years. She developed an intestinal infection because her immune system was so low from the chemo and was admitted to the hospital. Within 48 hours she went from doing pretty well to hospice care. We were told to say goodbye as she had only hours left. During one of our tear-filled moments together, she just hugged me and said “I know” and then said those words above.

I have dealt with sickness and disability for years by then. In fact, the week she went into the hospital I had my regular, full-length leg brace on my left leg, AND had a walking cast on my right foot and was using crutches! I didn’t know it at the time, but her words would be of great comfort to me since her death. I have been going through even more than I could have imagined at the time. “I had one plan, God had another. We are going to go with God’s plan because He knows best.”

I always wanted to run a marathon; wanted to travel and hike in faraway places. I never did. “I had one plan, God had another. We are going to go with God’s plan because He knows best.”

I never wanted to be in pain every day; never wanted to spend my days in doctor’s offices and testing labs; never wanted to have to take so much medication to get through the days, but I am. “I had one plan, God had another. We are going to go with God’s plan because He knows best.”

I find it peculiar that in the 40 years I had together with my mother, the words she uttered just hours before slipping into a coma, would be some of the most impactful. Of all the lessons she tried to teach me and in the ones in which she succeeded in teaching me, her last lesson rang most true. “I had one plan, God had another. We are going to go with God’s plan because He knows best.”

As I prepare to spend the 2^nd Mother’s Day without her, I am comforted in God’s amazing sovereign goodness yet again. My heart aches for a little more time with her. I thought that we had so much more time together, thought that we had so many more talks to have, so many more places to go together, but we didn’t. “I had one plan, God had another. We are going to go with God’s plan because He knows best.”

God used my mother to help remind me to daily cast aside my plans, my dreams, and my hopes. Daily I am reminded to embrace all God has planned for me, to pray that His desires would be my desires. I am seeking to be comforted and contented in His plan, while I continue to let go of my own. Thanks be to God, whom allowed my mother’s last words to produce fruit and be a symbol of His goodness, mercy and grace.

“I had one plan, God had another. We are going to go with God’s plan because He knows best.”

What Color is Your Parachute?

Imagine your life as a plane ride. We board the plane, settle into our seats and prepare to sit back and relax. Shortly after take off, the pilot gets on the intercom and announces that when the plane reaches 12,000 feet cruising altitude, all of us will be required to jump to get to our destination; the plane will not be landing! You start to feel the anxiety build. This is not the scenario you anticipated when you boarded the plane. The steward walks down the aisle handing out parachutes. You grab one and put it on and cinch it very tight. You are so very grateful that you have been given a parachute to save you from the jump that is to come. You cling tightly to it and feel a bit of relief. After several minutes you start to feel the extra weight of the parachute. It is uncomfortable and is digging in to your shoulders. As more time passes, you start to look around and realize other people's parachutes are newer looking, or maybe a color you prefer more than what you were given. You start to feel a bit of bitterness, and perhaps jealousy. Do you reject this parachute and jump without it? (I heard this analogy years ago from evangelist Ray Comfort. I am paraphrasing since it has been so long since I heard the original, but wanted to give credit where credit is due! I am quite certain I have left some of it out, but hopefully you get the picture.)

This is an analogy of our lives. We are all "traveling" through this life, brief as it is, waiting for the "jump" that is coming. The Bible is clear that all men will die and face judgment (Hebrews 9:27). We are to "put on the lord Jesus Christ" (Romans 13:14) and in doing so, we have confidence to stand before God on judgment day, not in our own righteousness, but clothed in the righteousness of Christ. "For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our lord." (Romans 6:23). You have been warned that the "jump" is coming, don't reject the One True Gift.

Do you look around at other's lives and wish yours was different? Do you wish your parachute was a different color, or maybe wasn't so tight? Are you content with the gifts God has given you? Has the gratefulness you once felt for the salvation you have received dissipated? Turn your eyes once more to Jesus, with a grateful heart that you have been given new life and rescued from the jump that lies ahead. Stop comparing your travel here to others, and be thankful for the life you have been given.

God Loves You and Has a Wonderful Plan for Your Life

“God loves you and has a wonderful plan for your life” is the refrain of modern evangelism. Know someone who is unhappy or suffering? The answer to your problems is Christ, so the modern church says if you accept Christ all your troubles will go away. Not surprisingly, many get discouraged when they find this untrue, and turn away (those who weren’t truly called of God).  So many times Christ is presented to the unsaved as a cure all. Scripture tells us that as believers, God does love us. For the unbeliever, the Bible is clear that God’s wrath abides upon them.

While it is true that if we are truly His, He provides us an escape from the punishment to come, by having taken the punishment of our sins upon Himself, can we say that all who know Jesus will have a “wonderful life”? What does the Bible have to say about this subject? Jesus told us to expect the world to hate us and persecute us, as it hated and persecuted Him (John 15:18-20). We can be assured that in this life troubles will come. Just because we bear the name of Christ does not mean we will never experience hardship, pain, sadness, etc. James 1:2-4 tells us “My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.”

So, what does change when we are followers of Jesus Christ? Does God have a wonderful plan for the life of a believer? ABSOLUTELY!! But, let me explain. For starters, it is a matter of defining our terms. Recalling the story of Joseph in Genesis, he tells his brothers that what they did to him (sold him into slavery), they meant for evil; but God intended it for good (Joseph was used to deliver God’s people).

As we come to know God and His word more fully, we come to realize that our perception of things is not correct. Proverbs 3:5-6 tells us not to lean on our own understanding. We cannot trust what our hearts might tell us is “good” or “wonderful”. How do we come to know the difference? Psalm 111:10 says “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom.”  For starters, we learn more about God by reading His word. While we may never understand fully all that we are called to endure, we can trust that all we go through will be for His glory and our good. As we come to trust in Him, we find that even in the midst of suffering we have joy. Joy is different than happiness. Happiness is an emotion that is fleeting as it relies on having good feelings from events in our life. Joy, on the other hand, is something that is rooted in Christ. We have joy because we are saved from the wrath to come, not because things are going well today. Our joy is not based on what we have or what we are going through, BUT it is found in who God is, and He does not change. Our joy is rooted in the fact that nothing can separate us from the love of God (Romans 8:35-39), all the trials, sufferings and pain we have in this life are but a temporary light that is soon extinguished. Will you spend this time feeling sorry for yourself that your life doesn’t live up to your expectations of  “wonderful” or will you cling to Jesus Christ and His word and allow these circumstances to mold you more into His image. Will you allow Him to give you true, lasting joy and stop seeking a temporary happiness?

What is really at the heart of the matter is what our understanding of “wonderful” is.  As sinful humans we think the world revolves around us. We strive to make ourselves happy. We seek praise and attention. When we come to a correct understanding that we are not the center of the world; God is to be the center.  Life is not all about us. It is the chief end of man to glorify God and enjoy Him forever. When we exalt ourselves to try to take His place, we can strive all we want for “happiness”, but will find it elusive and fleeting. It is God and God alone who deserves the praise.  As long as our eyes our focused on ourselves and our problems instead of Christ, we cannot begin to understand that our lives are indeed wonderful!

If we are His and can grasp that this life is not about us, but about Him-serving Him, bringing glory to Him-we will know that God loves us and has a wonderful plan for our lives.

Remember Me?

Been a long time since I posted anything. So much has happened in regards to my health. Here is a quick run down on what has been happening.

The predisone caused many difficult side effects, and I am slowly getting back to my old self now that I am no longer taking it. My insurance has approved the long term medication and I should start my IVIG infusion at the end of next week. We are hopeful that this will help.

Also, I received another grant from the Challenged Athletes Foundation to purchase a rowing machine. This is a HUGE blessing, as it paid for everything except $9. The timing could not be more perfect, as the doctor is really wanting me to work my upper body and lose some weight.

The Lord has continually proven Himself faithful through each day. He shows His love for me through family and friends. I am so grateful for each prayer, each word of encouragement. There have been so many low days these past couple of months, and at times it seems hard to trust that He is with me, but in God's perfect timing, and with His still, small voice; He gently shows me that He is right here.

Be encouraged! Even in the midst of suffering, if you are truly His, "He will not leave you nor forsake you" (Deuteronomy 31:6). Whatever you might be going through, no matter how difficult and dark the days seem, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths." We cannot trust our own understanding, that would tell us we are alone in our struggles, that no one cares, that this will last forever and we cannot handle our circumstances. But when we trust and acknowledge the Lord, He will direct our paths. This may not be the path we would have chosen, but it will be the paths directed by the Lord. We can take comfort knowing that He is with us, guiding us, and molding us more into the image of His Son along the way!

What are you going through today? Are you trusting in Him or leaning on your own understanding?

Have a great day! Hope to write a little more often now that I am feeling better :)

Unexpected Events

Sometimes life throws you a curve ball. Many of you know that I went to visit a good friend in Virginia last week. The day before I left to return home (Saturday) I woke up with some blistering on my left leg. I decided to go to urgent care since I can't feel that leg, and was on immunosuppressants, and I didn't know what caused it. Turns out it was cellulitis (infection of the deeper layers of skin), due to the Prednisone weakening my immune system. So I started on an antibiotic.

Sunday morning I got up early and packed up to head to the OPC church about 3 hours from where I was staying, to visit another friend on my way home. We had a nice visit and lunch. I started not feeling so well following the meal. After getting back on the road, I was feeling even worse-dizzy, headache, and felt pressure in my chest. I stopped at a CVS, and while there I decided to take my blood pressure, which was 175/110. I asked the pharmacist for directions to the local ER (My hubby is not happy that I did not call 911, but I did have the foresight not use cruise control just in case I should pass out and the car would keep going). I ended up being admitted and having a bunch of testing. My heart is basically healthy, the high blood pressure is also a side effect of the Prednisone  which I AM HAPPY TO REPORT--I officially finished as of yesterday! (unfortunately, it can take a couple of months for the side effects to subside.)

As God would have it, I stayed in the hospital near the church I visited, so the new friends I had lunch with, were able to stop in and sit with me, and the local pastor came and prayed with us too. I love the way the body of Christ works. No matter where we travel, we are not outside of God's control. He orchestrated every detail so that people at a sister church would be there to help out, got Chad out to Virginia to drive home with me, and even provided Christians on the hospital staff that prayed with me. We may not know each other and live miles apart, but we are all united in Christ.

In my morning reading today, the commentary on Exodus chapter 2 said, "There are no accidents or chance happenings in a world presided over by the living God. There are times when everything appears to be going wrong for us but, despite everything, God is working out His purposes." How true and how comforting! I obviously would not have expected or planned for the ending I had to my vacation, but how amazed I continue to be by God's grace. My friendship has been deepened with those who came to my aid in Charlottesville. My faith has been strengthened by the outpouring of love from the body of Christ. God has continued to strengthen me, and for that I am utterly grateful. Once again I am humbled and in awe of how amazing our God is!

So, as an update for everyone, I am following up with my family doctor on Friday afternoon. I was told I should see a cardiologist, so I will see if he would like to refer me to one. My follow up with the neurologist was yesterday, and I am currently waiting to see if the insurance is going to cover the medication that he would like me on long term. Please pray that this process may be quick and be approved. I do know that God is ultimately in control of this as well, and am willing to accept whatever He has in store. I continue to pray that His will would be done and not mine, and that He would continue to enable me to deal with all that I am going through. I couldn't do this without Him. I am thankful for all my faithful friends who regularly pray for me. You are so truly appreciated!!

God's Purpose in Our Suffering

In God's providence, on Sunday, in the Sunday school class we teach, we talked about God's purposes in suffering. On Friday, I read this quote from the book "A Place for Weakness" by Michael Horton -- "The last thing at least some believers need in their trials is the added burden of trying to figure out why it is all happening. And the good news here is that nowhere in scripture are we expected to do that. God’s secrets remain just that. We must try to avoid two extremes: one, suggesting that God’s secret purposes in our lives and in providence generally are available to us; and the other, usually in reaction, concluding that God does not actually have purpose for all of the details of our lives, from the smallest to the greatest." 

Since this topic is on my mind, I thought I'd combine the two ideas. The quote above really hit home for me, mostly because I hear both of those thoughts on a regular basis. Not always, but generally, if I hear either of those thoughts from people it tends to be Christians that will "encourage" me that I am to learn something in my trial; whereas non-Christians tend to point out the unfortunate "fact" that suffering has no purpose and it is  such a shame. Most assuredly their is a purpose in our sufferings and trials. God is not helpless to prevent these trials, and He allows them in our lives for His purposes. I do not believe we are always to learn something from them. While there may very well be something we are to learn, the thought that we somehow have to figure that out to make the trial stop, or that we are even able to discern God's purposes in every trial is simply not true. No where in God's Word (as the quote reminds us) do we have a mandate to figure out the reason for our trials. 

I do realize that people say things to be encouraging. I have spent many a night trying to figure out what I am supposed to be learning. I have been convinced in the past, that I must be the worst student ever. I clearly have not learned what I was supposed to be learning, or so I thought. I spent so much energy and was stressed out over trying to find God's lesson in my struggles, that I missed the greater blessing. How wonderful it is to be able to rest in Him, trusting Him to show me anything I should learn, but not striving in my own strength to come up with some specific answer to a question I didn't even know. I have learned so much about God and myself in the midst of my suffering. Not all has been pleasant, for instance, I have learned that I am independent and stubborn, neither of which are great character traits!

Our Sunday school lesson was an overview of Paul's teaching about suffering from 2 Corinthians.We learned a few thing about trials. Instead of driving ourselves crazy trying to figure out some hidden meaning in our suffering, we can know a few things that suffering can and should do in our lives. This is by no mean a complete list of the reasons we endure trials, but just a couple of things that I have been reminded of this week.

First, the apostle Paul reminds us in 2 Corinthians 1:4 that it is God "who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble." Going through trials helps us to become more compassionate. We are able to comfort others in their suffering because we ourselves have been comforted.

Also, as Paul is dealing with his "thorn in the flesh" he is told by God that "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness" (2 Corinthians 12:9) Trials are a display of the God's strength and power in our lives. We are able to point to others to Him in the midst of our sufferings as our only source of strength.

We know that God works all things "together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose" (Romans 8:28). This is important to remember as sufferings are not random and purposeless in our lives. Instead verse 29 goes on to tell us that "He also predestined [us] to be conformed to the image of His Son." Trials are definitely one way God conforms us to his image, as he shows us the sin in our hearts as we walk this difficult road. Trials should turn our hearts and minds to God, and make us aware of our own sinfulness and weakness. May it be that we all would suffer well and be able to point to God as the sole source of our strength. May He be your refuge in times of trouble!