As a small child, a friend was simply someone to play with. During grade school, friends were someone to talk to, to sit by in class, to have sleepovers with, and to pass notes to in class. By junior and senior high, the circle of close friends became a smaller, tight-knit group. They knew your secrets, your struggles, your crushes, and your likes and dislikes. You trusted them, sometimes with disastrous results.
I was pregnant by my 20th birthday. Being a wife and mother at such a young age probably shifted things for me quicker than most, but friends became a sounding board for life's struggles and demands. My friends were the people I spent hours a week talking to on the phone (before cell phones). We laughed and cried together. We shared special moments and hurtful situations.
At the age of 28, my husband and I became Christians at the same time my health struggles started. Friends became a source of encouragement on top of the above listed things, but over the past 20 years, as I have grown older and learned more about scripture, my definition of friendship has shifted yet again.
Let's take a look at some things the Bible says about friendship:
- "As God's chosen people.....forgive one another.....as the Lord forgave you." (Col 3:12-14)
- Jesus commands: "Love each other as I have loved you." (John 15:12-15)
- "As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another." (Proverbs 27:17)
- A friend "loves at all times." (Proverbs 17:17)
- Only wound us in ways that are trustworthy. (i.e., tough love; Proverbs 27:6)
- Are more loyal than family at times (Proverbs 18:24)
- Provide mutual edification (Proverbs 27:17)
- Impart wisdom to one another (Proverbs 13:20)
- Friends may even sacrifice themselves for us (John 15:13)
- We should be compassionate, kind, humble, meek, patient, forgiving, living at peace with one another, loving, and thankful (Colossians 3:13-15)
- Friends also teach one another and worship God together (Colossians 3:16).
John 15:12-15 describes Jesus, the truest friend of all, "This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command you. No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you."
Friends love one another with sacrificial love. Friends know each other well and promote one another's welfare. Does this describe the type of friend I was or had when I was younger? No.
Frequently friendships were filled with petty arguments, envy, strife, fighting, selfishness, and gossip. Many of my friendships were "one-sided" where either I or the other person gave more and tried harder to keep the relationship going, not out of love and service but from a place of longing to be accepted.
Friendship has been on my mind the last couple of years for a few reasons. First, as my health gets worse and I struggle more to get out and do things, I have thought about how to nurture friendships while still taking care of myself. It seems more difficult to maintain that closeness when I have to cancel so many plans. Secondly, when we had to switch churches a couple of years ago, it was difficult to get plugged in at the new church. This is hampered again by health issues. I cannot be there every time the doors are open like we once were. I am no longer the "do-er" that signs up to serve, clean, help, or whatever all the time. Lastly, many people have talked to me about feeling disconnected at their churches, or not having friends and community at church. I began to ponder how we can all assemble at church week after week, and yet feel lonely. I questioned what I wanted out of a friendship. What did I expect from my friends? Did I give others the same things I felt that I wanted? How can we stop being lonely in a crowd of fellow believers?
Well, I am sorry to report that I don't have all the answers. I have been thinking about all of this for the last couple of years though, and thought I'd share what has been rattling around in my brain lately. I admit that not everyone struggles in the same way I do, so perhaps not all of this will ring true for you. Younger me craved acceptance and looked at friends as someone to please so that they would love me. Friendship was a form of idolatry, something I deeply wanted, expecting it to fill a dark whole in my life. As years passed and I slowly learned that friends let you down, can't be trusted with secrets, and turn against you in a heartbeat, I started to change my views. I convinced myself I didn't need people, and I selfishly started looking for friends to meet my needs, giving little in return.
As a young Christian, a couple of close, trustworthy friends emerged, but even then our conversations with often ungodly. Complaining and gossiping about people or church, focusing on the ways our husbands were failing, or whining about our children's misdeeds. Slowly conviction crept into my heart as I studied God's word more. Truly Proverbs 10:19 "When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is wise" was very true. Maybe spending hours on the phone with friends was unwise? Thus began the another shift for me.
More growth in this area and I struggled to find friends who would be an encouragement, find joy in God's Word together, call me out when I sinned, and who fit the description of the things on the list above. That is when God started to speak to my heart: I need to be that person! I should be looking for those attributes in myself, not others. I was still setting my expectations too high, and expecting others to meet my needs. I think that missed the whole point of friendship. Friendship starts with being that loyal friend that scripture speaks of. Do I encourage others? Have I lovingly called someone out on their sins or challenged them? Do I pray for them and with them? How can I expect others to be what I myself fail to be? Do I look to a friend to provide something that is fulfilled in Jesus, who loves perfectly, is faithful, and knows our needs?
I am no Bible scholar, but from what I know about scripture, it doesn't tell us to choose friends that will meet our needs, or be fun to hang out with. Friendship is not about us. It isn't about getting what we want or need. Friendship should flow out of the love we have for God into the lives of others. Our Christian walk is one of self-denial, love for others, and service. As popular culture likes to say "be the change you want to see." Friendship isn't just a choice we make consciously, as if we have the power in ourselves to love others, but really because God first loved us, His Spirit and love compel us to love others. God is love (1 John 4:7), and what better foundation to build a friendship upon than our unity in Christ!
My prayer for you and me as that God would keep working in our hearts to make us a friend like Jesus, one willing to lay down our lives for our friends. I think you will find as you start become this kind of friend to others, you will look up one day and realize you have a community of true friends around you, and these relationships will be healthy, godly and bring glory to our Lord!
Merry Christmas to you all! May we all be better friends in 2020!
~Until Next Time
Shari
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