Disability and suffering are often isolating. When I do go out, I put on a smile, and try not to turn every conversation into a gripe fest of how bad I feel. So instead, I try to love others and ask about their lives. Listening is one of the first things I have learned this past year. As I have spent more and more time alone, stuck in the house, and wishing for someone to talk to, I have learned how valuable a listening ear is! In today's electronic world, it is a rarity to find someone that stops, makes eye contact, and actually pays attention. I am SO very thankful for those friends I have that are willing to do this, and hope I can do the same for others.
I have also learned some things (of the not so pleasant variety) about myself. I have put too much worth on friendships, letting hurt creep in when those relationships fell apart. I am reminded of my own words about managing my expectations of others. In truth, I should be seeking Christ. Wanting a deeper fellowship with Him. Going to Him in prayer, and with my concerns, worries, and pain. Not that friends aren't deeply valued! A good friend is a rare jewel. They can rebuke and encourage us. They help carry our burdens. But we must also remember they are sinful humans, just like us. Christ alone is the "friend that sticks closer than a brother" (Proverbs 18:24), and to Him alone should we look to truly fulfill that need for acceptance and love.
Besides feeling super crummy, gaining back a lot of the weight I lost back in 2013-2014 has added to my frustration and encroaching depression. This issue has also got me thinking about my beliefs on weight, self image, and food. Yes, I do feel worse when my clothes don't fit. My blood pressure is high again, so there is a real health concern, but if we get down to the brass tacks, I want to be thin to "look good." Our culture pushes this agenda, and I have bought in hook, line, and sinker!
I have been going through the book Idols of the Heart by Elyse Fitzpatrick again, and there are plenty of idols coming out of my little "idol making factory" as John Calvin describes our hearts. One more lesson to be learned in all of this darkness.
We want what we want. What we shouldn't have for reasons perhaps unknown to us. We desire that which we think will make us happy: friends, thin bodies, perfect health, no pain, etc. The list goes on and on seemingly forever. It is very difficult, if not impossible, to bear up under the weight of all these things. The dark circle surround us, and just like my analogy about the feeling of passing out, just about the time we think our entire vision is going to go black, and we will most definitely pass out, a tiny light in the center of our vision starts to shines through. Slowly, the center light grows, and chases back the black circle that had threatened to overtake us.
In those moments, I am reminded of 1 Corinthians 4:8-9
"We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed;
perplexed, but not driven to despair;
persecuted, but not forsaken;
struck down, but not destroyed"
This is where my hope is found, in Christ, the Light of the World. Just when I think I can't take any more, as I lie alone begging for mercy, wondering if the pain will ever end, asking Him if He is listening, if He even cares, that small dot of light emerges in the distance. As I begin to focus on it, it grows larger and brighter. That is not because God finally showed up, or decided to intervene, but simply because I wasn't focused on the light. I began to focus on the overwhelming blackness. I started to believe He doesn't care, or isn't listening. I begin to believe it will never end. I start to focus on my symptoms and circumstances, and lose sight of my Savior, and His truth. But then, I hear God's still small voice prompting me to remember what is true. God tells us many places in His Word that He will not leave us or forsake us. That is the truth. God never left me, his Light was there all along, I just chose to focus on the darkness. I missed His tender mercy in a card from a faithful friend, because I was thinking instead of the friends I lost. I failed to see the simple joy God brought to my days by way of a little 12-lb dog, and looked only to my feelings of loneliness.
I am not trying to minimize the struggle. I am suffering. I am miserable. This is all very hard. I know you hurt too. I am simply trying to remind you (and myself) to stop focusing on the black circles closing in around us, and focus on the light instead. Keep your eyes fixed upon Christ! (Hebrews 12:2). Be grateful for the faithful friend, or that tiny rescue dog! That is how we give thanks to God in all circumstances, like Paul tells us in 1 Thessalonians 5:18. We start to change our focus to God's blessings, and stop making the pain and disappointment the center of our world. We aren't thankful for the pain and suffering, but we can be thankful to God, even on the worst of days, for His loving care.
I am thankful that God has been gently revealing the sin in my heart, and for His forgiveness. I am thankful that I am learning to trust Him more, even on those days when I cry out like the child's father did in Mark 9, "Lord I believe, help my unbelief!" Remember to give thanks for His Son, the Savior of our souls, who also knew the pain of suffering and isolation. The One who suffered all of that in our place.
We used to joke that the light at the end of the tunnel was a train, and some days it still feels like that! I pray we can all look down that tunnel of blackness, and see a small light in the distance, and then draw near to that Light! Keep searching and clinging to the One who preserves our souls, and I know the darkness will fade, even if the suffering continues. That is the truth for all who are in Christ Jesus! Will you choose to cling to the Light, or continue in the darkness?
Until Next Time~
Shari
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