I can't really tell you the day or the hour, or even the week, but at some point I feel like I gave up. What does giving up mean you might ask? Well, for me it was cloaked in my thinking that I was just accepting reality.
I have always been a fighter. I had a friend tell me once that I'm the kind of person that walks right up to a challenge, and never backs down, but finds a way through it and overcomes. I am not too sure that that's true anymore. My disability has been a long, slow journey. As more and more of my work, hobbies and pastimes were stripped away, something changed in my mind that convinced me I couldn't do it anymore, and thus I shouldn't bother to try. In all reality, many things have gotten much harder, but they are still possible. We have taken more of an "adapt, improvise, and overcome" approach in the sense of solving issues as they arise, but mostly I have just given up a lot of things that I put in the "too hard to do anymore" category.
I don't feel sad about this, again, it just seems like it's my reality. I really am okay being somewhat of a hermit. I've always been on more of the shy, introverted side of things, and spending a lot of hours alone usually doesn't bother me too much. However, when I look back a few years ago and compare that life to now, I feel like I've changed so much sometimes I hardly recognize myself. I used to love to just go browse thrift stores or antique shops, and we were always out doing things on the weekend. Museums, kayaking, and lots of hiking were among our weekly outings. Now, when I see that I have a couple of physical therapy appointments in the same week, I feel slightly overwhelmed that I have to leave home multiple times (especially by myself). All of it just seems too difficult, so it has gotten easier to just stay home. The thing is, I'm actually very content at home. This fact actually leads to making the situation worse though. If I was the kind of person who missed getting out and doing things, or missed large groups of people, I think that I would force myself to do more even if it's harder than it once was.
Years ago, my blood pressure was creeping up and I was having issues with blood sugar. I decided I had had enough. Literally overnight I changed the way I eat and exercised. Within a few months I had dropped 40 lbs and no longer needed to have any medication for those issues. I maintained that for about 3 years, but gradually as things got more difficult for me physically, I started to make little excuses and exceptions. A quick bite of food here or there that wasn't on my diet, skipping exercise because I was in too much pain, and things like that started to become more normal. Now here I am back at the weight that I started at in 2012. I've been on blood pressure medication for more than a year, and I've started to have problems with blood sugar regulation again.
In my mind, I still feel like that young, strong, fighter, and yet in reality have become something different. I'm not sure this is all bad. I can easily make excuses for how I'm taking care of myself, but the truth is I would prefer to be that younger healthier woman. Days like today when the pain isn't too bad, I wake up and face a new day with determination that I'm going to change everything on a dime again. Lately though, I make that proclamation a few times a week, and by the end of each day I feel defeated as the reality sets in. My lack of mobility and increased pain slowly strip away my intestinal fortitude. I used to think all I had to do was pull myself up by my bootstraps and muscle through. Another friend of mine reminds me the bootstraps are nowhere mentioned in the Bible! I no longer feel that that is actually true, not everything can be overcome. Grit and determination aren't always enough.
Above all I do believe that the battle for all of this begins in our minds. What we believe about ourselves and the world around us really does impact what we think and feel. The Bible, which is God's word, is my ultimate source of strength and truth. It's where I go on good days to be reminded of God's loving plan, and it's the thing I cling to on bad days to remind me of God's providential care.
I'm very thankful that God has helped me to be content in my circumstances, to learn to trust him more, and deepen my faith in the midst of all my struggles and suffering. God may not really care if I weigh 160 or 120 lb, but I know he absolutely does care for me! Because I'm an all or nothing kind of gal, it's hard for me to just try to choose one small thing and focus on accomplishing that. When I wake up in the morning and think about changing something in my life, the conversation in my head looks more like this:
"Okay. Today I will stop eating or drinking anything that's not healthy, eat less overall, exercise at least an hour every day, and get out and do more activities with family and friends. Also, be home in time to make dinner."
That all sounds super easy, right!? Obviously, when I can't accomplish that to 100% perfection, it tends to discourage me and makes me want to give up. My biggest struggle these last few years is realizing that everything is not so black and white. I'm learning to embrace the gray. Today I'm going to focus on one small thing I can do that will be healthier for me, and work to do that. Tomorrow when I wake up, I'll remind myself not to look back at my failures, but to stay present today and focus on one more small thing I can do. God's mercy is new every morning!
I'm reminded of the song from Santa Claus Is Coming To Town where the lyrics say:
and soon you'll be walking across the floor.
Put one foot in front of the other,
and soon you'll be walking out the door.
 |
| Walking across the floor |
Do you set goals for yourself? Do you set yourself up to fail like I do? What one small thing can you do today to make a bigger difference down the road? Share with us in the comments!
Until Next Time
~Shari
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