Who'd A Thunk it?

Tens years ago today, September 18th, 2009, on an early Friday morning, we were heading to Northwestern Hospital in Chicago for me to have surgery. On June 25th, an MRI showed what the radiologist believed was a nerve sheath tumor. I was told it would need to be removed. I knew the tumor was long, estimated at 5.5" along the femoral nerve, beginning near my spine, and traveling along the nerve towards my leg. They weren't sure if it was cancerous or benign. I was told there were only two options:

1. The tumor could be a schwannoma which would mean the tumor was on the surface of the nerve. This would mean they could possibly just peel the tumor off the nerve, and there would be no lasting damage, although it still was a possibility.
2. The tumor could be neurofibroma which would mean that it grew through the nerve, and thus not something that could be removed without removing a section of the nerve. This would possibly result in significant disability.

A team of 3 surgeons was assembled: 

• A neurosurgeon would inspect my spine and be present in case there was any evidence the tumor was growing on my spinal cord. 
• A general surgeon was there to make the incisions, move all my organs and bowel out of the way, so that the 3rd doc... 
• A plastic surgeon (they are also peripheral nerve surgeons) could access the nerve tumor and remove it. He made the decision to remove 7" of my femoral nerve to get the tumor out. He later said the tumor appeared so intertwined with the nerve he couldn't see the difference in tissue. 

Based on what he saw, he diagnosed this to be a neurofibroma. He also performed a nerve transfer, taking another nerve from a different section of my leg and transplanted it in the gap he had just created.

After the 8 hour surgery, the doctor came out to the waiting room to tell my family the news. 

I don't remember very much that day. Spending 8 hours on general anesthesia and then pain meds (LOTS of pain meds) tend to wipe your memory. I do remember waking up at some point late in the evening, and my mom blurting out that they removed the nerve and I may never walk again. I remember starting to cry as I heard Chad tell her that they had decided they were going to wait to tell me that. (She wasn't great at keeping a secret haha) I quickly dozed back off, and remember bits of time from the overnight hours. 

My daughter decided she would be the one to sleep in my room that night, because she is a helper and was worried about me. Mostly I remember waking up in the middle of the night, and realizing that my "dead" leg had slid off the mattress, and I couldn't move it to get it back on the bed. I spent about 20 minutes trying to wake my daughter up to help me, before pushing the nurse button. (Both of my kids, and my husband truly can sleep through ANYTHING!)

Ten years ago today, my life changed forever. Sometimes I can hardly remember when I could walk about freely. This date will probably always stick in my mind, since it was a major turning point in my life. It ranks up there with our first visit to Mayo last year when we found out that I never had a tumor, it was all part of my current diagnosis CIDP. 

If there is anything I have learned in all of this, it is that you never know what tomorrow holds. Even when you think you know, you think it have it figured out, you have adapted and accepted the reality of your situation, and then BAM! you get side swiped with different news that contradicts what you knew.

The one thing that hasn't changed in all of this is God. He is the same yesterday, today and forever (Hebrews 13:8). He was also not blind-sided by any of this, even if I was. He is sovereign, which means He controls all, knows all, sees all. If He is not in control of everything, He is not sovereign, by the word's very definition. He either controls everything, or He controls nothing.

God has not changed through the last ten years, but I have. I have learned more about myself: my struggles, selfishness, lack of compassion and patience, along with many other sins. I have learned that my stubbornness is both a blessing and a curse. (It just depends on who you ask! Chad would say it is a bad thing that gets me into trouble, but my doctor prefers to call me tenacious.)

I have learned about others as well. Learned to accept help, to let others show me love through service. I have found wonderful friends, who have faithfully prayed and served me without complaining, showing me God's love in a real, tangible way. 

God taught me to love more deeply, enjoy each day more fully, and is still working in me to develop trust and patience and other good things. He has definitely taught me that we all need to extend more grace to everyone around us. Most of us are trying to do our best, and sometimes we get it wrong. We should not be quick to assume wrong motives, but offer grace, grace and more grace.

This day, ten years ago, was a very rough day. I pray that I never go through a surgery that intensive or painful again. I am beyond grateful for all I have learned on my journey. I am excited to see what God has in store for the coming years, should He see fit to bless me with more, but for today I am content with where I am. I will try to stay present in today, because I know He isn't finished with me yet. There is still more learning and growing to do!

Until Next Time~

Shari